How do I get DH to do his share? Long post, sorry!

A few observations:

I sensed the adversarial divide between women (professional or not) who work outside their homes and the SAHM's. It seems that both sides view the other as somehow being the lesser, or somehow having the advantage. Neither of those statements are true.

All work has value, monetary or otherwise, whether it's raising a family or helping a company's bottom line. As many of you pointed out, an equal partnership in marriage means sharing fairly and equitably.

Deliberate or not, many of the posts had shades of shame, blame and 'guilting', lurking between the lines. Some of you still seem to believe that it's a woman's duty to be subservient to her husband and to take care of his every need. Many of you even suggested short cuts (ready frozen dinners or ordering 'take out') just as long as he still gets his three meals without ever having to break a sweat.... effectively enabling more of the same demanding behaviors.
Archaic attitudes such as these, perpetuate the very same kind of misogynistic male culture that has destroyed marriages and/or women's careers in the first place.

A 'freeloader' is never a good partner and neither is a bully. In a true, loving, respectful partnership no one should have a subservient role.

Sulking and being moody is a kind of emotional blackmail and lots of people give in for the sake of a quiet life and not wanting to cause an 'atmosphere'. I've discovered that it is possible to ignore this behaviour and kind of detatch myself from it and life is a lot easier! Its amazing how liberating it is. It means you can please yourself entirely and if he's going to be a misery guts thats his lookout. All this may sound a bit harsh but H is manipulative and lazy and full of self pity. Its too late for me to leave now as he has early dementia but in a sense I have left and retreated into a life of my own. I'm lucky to be able to go out as we have family close by to keep an eye on him.

Willa45 if the OP had said she was a stay at home mum for 30 years thats THIRTY YEARS on benefits there would have been an outcry .Whats different about her expecting her husband to work...who knows what kind of hours or what kind of stressful job,while she stayed home.In my book thats every bit as bad.Of course it doesn't end there because he will have to provide for her for the rest of her life ...she hasn't contributed to NI so no state pension ...so its been down to him to provide for their old age too.I am a feminist..feminism means CHOICE but with choice comes responsibility ...I dont see much of that from a woman who expected to be carried .Housework nowadays doesn't take 8 hours a day...nor do children when they're at school ...and loads of women ,me included also did the from home stuff as well as working full time ...Avon,Tupperware.Jewellery parties etc etc .

I am beinning to feel sorry for the poor chap, we have one side of the story, Shirley Valentine and a geriatric lynch mob at the ready.

I think older blokes are a bit like that sometimes, doesn't mean they are bullies and brutes, just an age thing.

Thiry years are home is a long time had she wanted to, she could have addressed this earlier, just as she can now. Part time job is the solution. He is just as entitled to his choices as she is.

Paddyann wrote......^"....loads of women ,me included also did the from home stuff as well as working full time ..."^

About the OP Paddyann wrote ...I dont see much of that from a woman who expected to be carried .

...Of course it doesn't end there because he will have to provide for her for the rest of her life ...she hasn't contributed to NI so no state pension ...so its been down to him to provide for their old age too.

If you read Sharon's reply on page two, you will see that she also held several other jobs that she did from home (in addition to taking care of the house, the kids, chauffering, event planning, administrating and bookeeping) for the better part of those thirty years. Whether or not she has contributed to NI is not the issue. From her post however, it appears that her husband has been reaping many 'benefits' during the past thirty years and continues to do so.

Like you Paddyann, many women hold jobs in addition to taking care of the house and their families. The issue here is that the OP is tired of pulling more weight than her husband. She's also been taken advantage of and verbally abused in the process.

After thirty years of her own hard work, she is just as deserving of the benefits her husband has earned, because she has earned them too and she is owed at least that much if not more!

Sharon123 I can't believe that there are husbands who act in this way in the 21st century! He is a lazy sod.Being at home with three children was a hard job for you. You needed help then and you need help now. Will you let your husband read some of these replies or does he not know how to switch on the computer ? He is not in the real world Hope things change for you. Certainly makes me appreciate my own husband who always does his fair share.

Take to your bed with a sore back,he can't leave you there unfed etc for ever,see how he manages and stick with it--
When there make lists,go back to work part time,give up ironing,apparently no one in the younger generation does it anyway,take short cuts for everything.Join a few groups and have fun,you are setting an example for your children so make the most of every minute and think positive life should be fun,good luck.Let us know how you get on you can do it!

Will u be satisfied by the way he does the chores, I think you will check up which is why he won't do anything, I think change very unlikely will just cause more friction,

Second contribution. Seeing Sharon's later posts, I wonder if Mr. Sharon is a little bit on the autistic spectrum? Would explain a lot. Sorry to see so many judgemental comments from women who were lucky enough i) not to have difficult sulky husbands and ii) were able to work outside of the family home. Who looked after YOUR kids when you were at work? OP has explained that she did work AT home.

It is quite clear that he is not going to change at this stage . I would have a good think about whether you want to stay with this uncaring , thoughtless bully . My X was very much like your H , he seems to have managed to master all the skills required to live alone since we divorced !

Have you properly listed all the jobs he does?
If he is the breadwinner in a stressful job he will need to rest.
Does he do DIY, who takes care of the car(s) does he do all the repairs around the house are you being fair. Who deals with household repairs, does he phone around in his lunch hour and tea breaks dealing with energy bills, getting the right deal and the phone bill, broadband etc.
Does he do any shopping?
Does he fix the computers and tech stuff? Very time consuming.
Is he Mr fixit because there is a lot of work there.
Do you own your own home, in which case there is a load of work and expense there.
It can cost £5000 per year for house maintenance. Who pays? Has he got a good job?
It is always easy for anyone to think they are doing too much work but a fair assessment not ignoring all his contributions is needed. Diy and other house management tasks can be very time consuming so it is easy to ignore the hard work your partner does. You have to be totally fair and not belittle the work each other does otherwise there will be problems in the marriage.
Each of you should make a list over several months of what you actually do.
What is the value of his job if he lost it?

"if he is the breadwinner in a stressful job he will need a rest". Is this 1955? That comment could have come straight out of the magazines for 'housewives' in there 50's. Nothing about her needs, every focus on the man.
Like many other gransnetters, I worked full time in a stressful job, so did my husband. We shared the emotional and physical care of our children. We shared the domestic tasks and though we worked hard, we had satisfying work and a happy family life.
I was a sahm in a first unsuccessful marriage so I've experience of both ways of life. I don't criticise the OP as some do, suggesting in effect she had it easy. Given a choice I'd have worked less hours but I wouldn't have been in the kind of situation she seems to have been for a dozen gold clocks.

Find a job you like & enjoy if you can. Do the home jobs if & when you can, leave what you can't do. Don't stress if he doesn't like the changes. Just carry on be a multi tasker like many woman are & definitely don't pander to any whims , spring clean the way you think & enjoy life good luck

For goodness sake stop telling this poor woman that she could have done something about this earlier! She knows that! For whatever reason she didn't! And criticising her choices re SAHM and working from home and child care!!!!! She made those decisions! Done and dusted!! She is asking for advice about NOW!!!

Sharon123, may I suggest you plan a weekend away...and them many more after that.
Good Luck!

Sharon, this is your time - you need to reclaim it and stop being a slave to this man. Nothing in your OP is positive about your relationship. Does he make you happy in any way? He sounds very selfish and uncaring. If you do not wish to leave the marriage then you have to take serious steps to change this situation. I like the list idea. I suspect there are certain tasks that you would prefer to do but there are certainly many that he could take responsibility for, particularly if they concern him only. Let the insurance go but don't go in the car! What would happen if you were knocked down by the proverbial bus tomorrow?? It is a kindness to educate DH into some of the tasks that he would need to be able to do for himself to survive! My own DH is totally the opposite and since retirement has taken on some of 'my' tasks, eg food shopping and cooking! This has its own drawbacks believe me as I have to share the kitchen but I am getting used to it! He also does all the admin and banking - he assures me all the passwords, etc are listed so that I can take over if necessary but we both enjoy our own separate lives as well as joint ones - as it should be. We have ploughed our own furrow and it is important you do too, otherwise when retirement comes you will still be doing everything as no doubt he will have 'earnt his retirement' and not expect anything to change. Not sure if you are a 'gran' yet but there is a risk your children will expect you to be at their beck and call too if they have not witnessed you asserting your own needs. Like the holiday idea - visit family or friends or a solos holiday - give him a taste of being on his own - he needs a serious wake-up call in my book. Good luck.

Oh dear, in the 60's I was married to a man who thought nothing of leaving me to do all the household jobs ( although I worked part time). He was also prone to all night card games with his mates and arriving home at the same time as the chap next door, who worked night shift at Vauxhall Motors.
Fast forward to now, after many ups and downs in between, this same man cooks most weekday evening meals, hoovers like there is no tomorrow and makes sure my car is facing outwards when I leaving the house for my outside interest's.
Meanwhile I do all the online admin covering insurances, banking and energy bills etc.
He will not supermarket shop or hang out the washing properly. I don't do car cleaning or all the DIY around the house.
So, I think a Happy Compromise has to reached and you both need to want it..

OP will be entitled to a pension.
She worked from home so she may have made NI contributions, but irrespective she will receive a pension based upon her husbands contributions.
SAHM'S receive contributions to their state pensions for all the years they stay at home rearing their children until they reach school leaving age.

My ex always appeared pleased when I took on part-time work and even arranged a couple of jobs for me. But he was much more grumpy when I was working outside the home and expected the same degree of wifely attention. When I did get a full time, permanent job, the first thing he did was leave me for a very slightly younger woman! Left with two teenage sons, I didn't feel the burden of domestic responsibility - perhaps I am a bit of a slob! They are both now fantastic husbands and dads, doing their bit - and in one case far more than his bit - around the house and garden. Their children are being brought up not to take mum for granted and DS1, now 13, has been spotted ironing his own shirt! As for me - having sustained a fractured shoulder, I now have a cleaner and a gardener.

My first husband said to me after 10 years of marriage that he didn't understand what I was "moaning about, I let you work, don't I". Yep, I left him. I was younger than the op, in my late twenties, we married young in the 60's. I have never regretted leaving, though it was dire. The first in my family to divorce. It sounds nothing now but it certainly was a thing then. I felt I'd let my parents and grandparents down, not just by divorcing but by marrying such an idiot in the first place. I'm so relieved I'm not having to deal with all those feelings now. Best of luck OP

Does anyone remember the agony aunt, Marjorie Proops?

She advised women who worked to, 'Get home from work before your husband, and make sure you have something nice cooking in the oven so that he smells it as soon as he opens the front door.'

Yes of course, Marj - would never dream of doing anything else..

My husband and I sadly divorced - serial infidelity on his part but I was a working mum and it's damned hard. I recall him saying "I never realised how much you did until you weren't there" which probably says it all. Take a long holiday and leave him to it for a bit...or as other posters have said, plan your escape.

I'm glad you're planning to stand up for yourself, Sharon. Be prepared for dh to argue though and don't back down.

"...but his argument was always that these jobs don't take long so I should stop complaining, his job is very stressful, he needs to rest, I'm better at doing them anyway, blah blah blah."

"well you can do it, you have nothing else to do, I'm at work all day, you're sitting at home" etc"

I don't think his words are intended to be abusive so much as just excuses. Please don't accept this anymore. And please don't accept his view of you as having an "easy life." Any time he says that, just point to the list of what you do. If he argues, "These jobs don't take long," counter with, "But they add up."

I agree that this won't all be resolved in one conversation/argument. Let him think it over for a few days, then raise the issue again, etc. If ever it gets too heated or if he gets rude, tell him, "I won't talk about it if you're like this. I'll speak to you again when you calm down."

But, imo, your bottom line needs to be that you're not doing as much anymore. He may not take on all the jobs you want. He may not do them quite the way you like (you'll have to accept that). But, hopefully, something will change if he sees you mean business.

Good idea to get a cleaner if you can afford it. If dh doesn't want to spend the money, he may suddenly decide to do some cleaning himself. If he's ok with it, then it's still a break for you.

I was in a similar situation for many years and just accepted it as my husband had a very demanding job and was a great provider. Luckily, once he retired (early) he started to help out. I felt I shouldn't have to ask him to do certain things but soon found out that he was perfectly willing if made aware of necessary 'chores.' I was annoyed and felt I shouldn't have to ask as though he was doing me a favour.
Maybe your husband will change when he retires - or he could become even worse!