I hate my stepmother

Another one here who had an evil stepmother. I am not sure who I am more angry with my birth mother who dumped me on Paddington Station age 7 or the evil woman who my father married when I was 11. She loathed me and I fortunately escaped at 18 and did nursing and have gone on to have a happy life with DH and 3 birth DCs and 8 adopted SN children sadly 3 have died and her attitude was it is not like losing your own, which really put me in my place. She had 3 birth children who she doted on and they did everything better than me, and their children were perfect.
She died a few years ago and I managed to cry by thinking of my dead children. Why now do I feel so angry, why didnt I have the guts to tell her.
Oh this has been so cathartic. Sorry OP didnt mean to hijack but I do feel for youxx

So true, Grannyknot!

Imo, trisher makes some good points, tribune. Also. sm may sense that you and your siblings dislike her, even though you don't think it shows. That may be another reason she keeps you away as much as she can. I know it's her fault due to the things she has said and done. But she may not see that or may not care.

Do you really want to be around her or her kids, anyhow? Why not celebrate your dad's birthday with him separately on one of the days that you get to see him on his own? You will all probably be happier that way, and you won't feel as if you missed his birthday.

I read something the other day: Blood doesn't make us family. It makes us related. It really made me think about "family" in the many guises it comes in over time. There is so much trouble and angst in the name of "blood".

tribune their are some women who when they have their hands on a man can't bear to share him with anyone else. I suspect your step mum is one of those. She can happily invite her own children because they have no bond with him. There isn't much you can do. Perhaps take comfort in the fact that your dad does love you and that is what upsets your step mum . But you shouldn't feel guilty, she doesn't seem to be making much effort to care for you so why should you care for her? Just stay civilised for your dad's sake and keep communication open. She may be wishing you would take offence and stop seeing them, don't let her win.

Yes, that would boil my blood, and I might be inclined to show up for it, as if I had been invited, all smiles, presents and gratitude for the invitation....puts her in a slightly complicated situation, doesn't it?
If she does bring it up with you, it will be in private, and you can always say..."I imagined the invitation had got lost in the post, and didn't want to miss Dad's big day!!!"

But then I am a nasty person....

Complicated they are

Baggs - yes, I understand to an extent but if she is having a birthday party for him why invite her children who are not his blood relatives but not his own (who he is close to)? My mother also remarried and we are included in all those things with her - but then my stepfather is perfectly decent. We are not close although I am to my mother but at least he is a nice person

To put the other side of the story, tribune, as a step-mother myself, to a daughter who came to live with us aged 5, it's a very difficult relationship.
We both married after divorce, the other parent still alive.
I don't think I was a very good step-mother, and there was much hostility on both sides. Mainly feelings of jealousy, which I wasn't expecting, and were overwhelming at times.
Thankfully my SD and my daughter became very good friends so things improved a lot.
I can understand her feelings better now, she was just a little girl, I should have realised what a challenge it was going to be, but we were all in a mess at the time.
Hoping you can reconcile with your father.
Many years later, husband and SD don't communicate at all, although I do - she's more relaxed with me now.
I give up - only my daughter keeps in touch (her Dad lives in the same town.)
ASs I said, step families are so complicated. Birth families too.

I think if I acquired a step-parent after I had grown up I would not expect to be automatically included in step-family gatherings even though my remaining parent was naturally involved as a newly acquired step-parent the other way.

yes all children were grown up and yes, birthday celebrations, Christmas etc etc.

I agree with what others have said about your not feeling guilty about your feelings. Don't.

What I don't understand from what you've posted so far though is what sort of thing you think you should be invited to but aren't. Are you not invited to any celebrations of your father's birthday, for instance?

There's no indication in your posts about how you feel about your step-siblings, or how well you know them, whether you grew up with them, etc. Did your father and SM marry after you and your step-sibs were grown up?

It is entirely fine to hate a hateful person!

You're not a bad person. This woman has been nasty to you for thirty years. Someone being mean for that long would make a parson throw his book in the fire.

Thank you - I appreciate this. If she wasn't married to my lovely father I would go NC as fast as I could. But I have to appear to maintain a relationship for his sake (he knows) and because I want to spend time with him. We are lucky that we are not far away so I can see him when she is out where possible. But still

Good heavens, you are not a bad person! - you are human like the rest of us. See her the absolute minimum necessary, but above all ditch the guilt - it is a pointless emotion and wasteful of energy and time when you could be having fun.

I hated my FIL, but feel not one whit of guilt - he was a nasty old bugger!

Look after yourself and just let it go.

Yes we invite them to all birthdays and other celebrations that family would expect to be invited to. They generally don't come but they know they are welcome (invitations are always offered warmly and not grudgingly - I don't want our DC etc to know how I feel) Sometimes they do accept but I suspect that is as much for her to claim ownership of DF in a public setting as for his benefit (even after all these years)

We are invited to pretty much nothing there. Yet her children are included in all birthday and other celebrations (the sorts of things that we invite them to). It is hard for DF to make plans independently as he is disabled.

And yes those are wise words about comparison. But it still hurts not to be included in anything special in their lives despite having a good relationship with DF and seeing him as regularly as possible.

My sympathies, tribune. You can't help how you feel. Obviously, sm has brought this on herself. (((Hugs)))

Who gets to decide what "should" be a "family occasion" though? Only the people hosting, surely?

It sounds as if sm may be a very controlling person and only interested in her own side of the family. What's to stop your df (dear father) from making plans with you on his own, however?

Also, do you ever invite them/him to anything?

We gps are often advised not to compare our role to that of other gps as it will just aggravate us. It might help you to follow the same advice as concerns your step siblings.

Its very difficult to watch someone you love being treated in a way which is less than they deserve.
30 years is a long, long time to 'keep a lid on it' so well done to you!