I want my own life

Thank you everyone, some comments I may not have wanted to hear but actually now make good advice. I'm going to set out a 'plan' so that I can regain some time for myself, and maybe look into learning something new. Thank you all again.

1. Book a holiday - give them a bit of advance warning to arrange alternative child care and just go!

2. You are entitled to spend your money on yourselves - you should not really be saving it up to help them - they are old enough to help themselves!

I provide school pick-ups and regular child care, BUT the girls all know that if we have an appointment or something else we need to do, then that takes precedence. We do try and give them as much notice as possible. They have NEVER grumbled about it - not once! They know they are lucky to have this free care.

And as to money....I did split a legacy from my parents so that they had a share at a time when they needed house deposits - it was a nice surprise for them and in no way expected by them. And we did pass on a car when one of them was in need.

There is no sense in which they expect these things; nor do they count what each has and make comparisons.

It seems that you have got into a pattern that ties you in and carries expectations - maybe going on hols might break that pattern a bit.

I am sure that you love having your DGC, as we all mostly do, but you need some space for yourselves too.

I don't have the money issue, fortunately. But if I ever was asked to help them out that way, I would if I could. It's natural, imo, to want to help our ac.

But I'm not a bank or a charity. And I hope I wouldn't feel as if I "owed" dd and sil money for some hypothetical future "disaster." This seems to be how you feel. I hope you can shake that feeling.

If I spend money on a holiday, well then, it's gone and that's that. If it meant I couldn't cover an unexpected bill for dd and sil, they would have to work it out some other way.

Your ac are probably more resourceful than you -or they - think. Please trust them to solve their own problems.

Frankly, after reading all the posts on these boards about gps who are co of their gc's lives or whose gc live far away, I'm glad I'm often called upon to babysit. It's one of my greatest joys.

But I do plan activities for myself, usually on days/evening when I'm not usually asked to watch my grands (I generally leave Saturday night open, for example). Occasionally, also, I go on holiday for a few days. I always let dd know well in advance. That way she knows she either can't have outside childcare on those dates or has to make other arrangements.

Sometimes, I admit, I feel a bit guilty, especially if she says she had plans for a time I'm not available and just hadn't told me yet. So yes, I know how you feel. If I can reschedule, I do. But if not, I've learned to go ahead with my plans. She and her dh work things out.

That's good for their sakes, as well as mine. I mean, I hate to say it, but what if I died suddenly? They have to be able to manage on their own. So do your ac/cil.

Sounds like you are being taken advantage of. Possibly because you have allowed that to happen. It's time to stand up for yourself now, isn't it?

Yes a little.

We have always lived near our daughters and over the years have been chief childcare, bank and bottle washers .

Now we are moving about 90 mins away to fulfill a long held dream of NOT living in this city .

Our plans weren’t met with joy by one daughter at first and I’ll be honest and say all their concerns were to do with impact on their lives. No ready baby sitter for ‘date nights’ ( I NEVER remember having a date night in 40+ years of marriage) , no emergency transportation when it’s raining, no ability to have us pickup or drop off GC etc.

But we have held fast because if we do not pursue our dreams now - then when ? When is our time?

I can honestly say our whole marriage has centred round doing what was best for our girls but in giving that support I do wonder if we have made them too reliant on us. So now is our time and they will learn to stand fully on their 2 feet . I hope it’s good for all of us.

So, GrandaJules I think a little selfishness is in order. They had their children so they need to resolve childcare for holiday times , after all what will they do when you’re gone? If they own a car then there’s no such thing as unexpected repairs only unplanned ones. If they have not saved and they have a breakdown then let them feel the consequence of failure to plan because if you continually bail them out there’s no pain is there?

Pain makes planning easier [ smile]

This is not a dress rehearsal - it’s your life . Now is your time.

I agree with tanith. Is it possible that they lean on you so much because you've made it easy for them to? Time for tough love to help them to stand on their own feet?

No I don't prop my children up to the extent you seem to. Maybe you could say no when they lean on you too much we only have one life and only you can change the amount they are relying on you.
I know it's hard but you need to let them sort out their own lives they are adults after all.