I want my own life

No I don't prop my children up to the extent you seem to. Maybe you could say no when they lean on you too much we only have one life and only you can change the amount they are relying on you.
I know it's hard but you need to let them sort out their own lives they are adults after all.

I agree with tanith. Is it possible that they lean on you so much because you've made it easy for them to? Time for tough love to help them to stand on their own feet?

Yes a little.

We have always lived near our daughters and over the years have been chief childcare, bank and bottle washers .

Now we are moving about 90 mins away to fulfill a long held dream of NOT living in this city .

Our plans weren’t met with joy by one daughter at first and I’ll be honest and say all their concerns were to do with impact on their lives. No ready baby sitter for ‘date nights’ ( I NEVER remember having a date night in 40+ years of marriage) , no emergency transportation when it’s raining, no ability to have us pickup or drop off GC etc.

But we have held fast because if we do not pursue our dreams now - then when ? When is our time?

I can honestly say our whole marriage has centred round doing what was best for our girls but in giving that support I do wonder if we have made them too reliant on us. So now is our time and they will learn to stand fully on their 2 feet . I hope it’s good for all of us.

So, GrandaJules I think a little selfishness is in order. They had their children so they need to resolve childcare for holiday times , after all what will they do when you’re gone? If they own a car then there’s no such thing as unexpected repairs only unplanned ones. If they have not saved and they have a breakdown then let them feel the consequence of failure to plan because if you continually bail them out there’s no pain is there?

Pain makes planning easier [ smile]

This is not a dress rehearsal - it’s your life . Now is your time.

Sounds like you are being taken advantage of. Possibly because you have allowed that to happen. It's time to stand up for yourself now, isn't it?

Frankly, after reading all the posts on these boards about gps who are co of their gc's lives or whose gc live far away, I'm glad I'm often called upon to babysit. It's one of my greatest joys.

But I do plan activities for myself, usually on days/evening when I'm not usually asked to watch my grands (I generally leave Saturday night open, for example). Occasionally, also, I go on holiday for a few days. I always let dd know well in advance. That way she knows she either can't have outside childcare on those dates or has to make other arrangements.

Sometimes, I admit, I feel a bit guilty, especially if she says she had plans for a time I'm not available and just hadn't told me yet. So yes, I know how you feel. If I can reschedule, I do. But if not, I've learned to go ahead with my plans. She and her dh work things out.

That's good for their sakes, as well as mine. I mean, I hate to say it, but what if I died suddenly? They have to be able to manage on their own. So do your ac/cil.

I don't have the money issue, fortunately. But if I ever was asked to help them out that way, I would if I could. It's natural, imo, to want to help our ac.

But I'm not a bank or a charity. And I hope I wouldn't feel as if I "owed" dd and sil money for some hypothetical future "disaster." This seems to be how you feel. I hope you can shake that feeling.

If I spend money on a holiday, well then, it's gone and that's that. If it meant I couldn't cover an unexpected bill for dd and sil, they would have to work it out some other way.

Your ac are probably more resourceful than you -or they - think. Please trust them to solve their own problems.

1. Book a holiday - give them a bit of advance warning to arrange alternative child care and just go!

2. You are entitled to spend your money on yourselves - you should not really be saving it up to help them - they are old enough to help themselves!

I provide school pick-ups and regular child care, BUT the girls all know that if we have an appointment or something else we need to do, then that takes precedence. We do try and give them as much notice as possible. They have NEVER grumbled about it - not once! They know they are lucky to have this free care.

And as to money....I did split a legacy from my parents so that they had a share at a time when they needed house deposits - it was a nice surprise for them and in no way expected by them. And we did pass on a car when one of them was in need.

There is no sense in which they expect these things; nor do they count what each has and make comparisons.

It seems that you have got into a pattern that ties you in and carries expectations - maybe going on hols might break that pattern a bit.

I am sure that you love having your DGC, as we all mostly do, but you need some space for yourselves too.

Thank you everyone, some comments I may not have wanted to hear but actually now make good advice. I'm going to set out a 'plan' so that I can regain some time for myself, and maybe look into learning something new. Thank you all again.

Good luck jules, You have been given good advice. Adult children have their own family which is their responsibility. Not yours.
We all have this to deal with because so much support is asked of us grandparents and as long as we provide it, it will be expected or even taken for granted by our adult children. support which we generally didnt get nor did we expect when we had young families.
Enjoy your holiday. We are off to cyprus this week and are looking forward to a much deserved break. The grandchildrens parents will have to sort out school pick up on the days that we cant. It does remind them of quite how much we do, no bad thing.

Grandma Jules, understand TOTALLY.

Am in much the same situation myself, i.e. torn between wanting to help my children and wanting a life of my own!

I had four daughters in five years (plus two stepsons who we shared 50/50 custody)

My life wasn't all that easy as my husband died young too and money was tight but I plodded along thinking one day I would be free to ...please myself........

Except it has never happened! I now have ten grandchildren 8 and under! One of my daughters had a really bad time and I had to help her. Then my others started asking for equal shares of my time with babysitting. One of my grandsons has epilepsy and learning difficulties. I also have an elderly mother who I care, clean and cook for and it goes on. Oh and am still working part time also.

I am 64 now and still can't just up and go on holiday when it suits. I have to discuss with the family. Nothing much has changed and at times I just want to run away ha ha

I know I never will and my moans are unheard anyway so I just get on with it. I don't ALWAYS feel peeved, just now and again I wonder ...When is it MY time!!!! So yes, I understand totally where you are coming from. It sometimes isn't easy to assert yourself in the way others seem to be able to.

Take care

Just wanted to say, make sure to warn your DS and DD that you / your time / your money will be less available and they'll need to think ahead more.

GrandmaJules you are me! I am desperate for time to myself, go away for a few days, etc etc but my DD lurches from one crisis to another and has MH issues so don't feel I can leave her to sink and swim; sometimes I despair of ever having a life of my own again !

It's a question of balance isn't it and being able to say 'no' sometimes. We are not helping by encouraging our adult children to rely on us all the time. They have to find their own way and make their own mistakes. We should be able to have a life of our own too.

This is an ideal story for a newspaper to feature - also your family members can read Gnet even without joining. So do be careful giving too much info that would easily identify you. If you want one of your own posts removed 'report' it.

Our children never asked to be born unlike some of the offspring of some of the posters on this thread, can't help wondering Why didn't they ask for better parents

If children are brought up to believe that their parents are the answer to every problem and will get them out of every hole they dig themselves into, then they will always see their parents as the answer to every problem.

I brought my children up to be strong, resilient and self reliant. Yes, of course they made a mess of things in their student days and we helped them resolve their problems and pay their debts. We help them now, when we see a need or emergency and they know we are there, but they do not look to us to solve all their problems.

We do not live near enough to provide much child care, but the other grandma does and we can see that while she has given them a lot of help, even with her so close they only ask for help from her in emergencies. They accept that their children are their responsibility and however much she loves them, she is entitled to a life of her own.

I don't understand your comment ILLTELLHIM ??

If your children did not exist and you were to encounter some big problem yourself, what would you do? Would you fall about weeping and wailing and wishing that your parents were there to fix it for you as they did when you were a child? Or would you take a deep breath and work out the best way to solve it, get round it or survive it?

It sounds as though you are a solver and able to sort things out for yourself - so why haven't you brought up your children to be solvers too? Is it because it is pleasant to have them dependent on you, to be the go-to person who will magically smooth away all roughness from their lives?

That is lovely for them, and reaffirming for you, but at some point you are going to join your own parents and be unavailable. If they have had no experience of using their own judgment, living within their means, thinking things through and taking sometimes uncomfortable decisions, they will suffer far more from losing you than they might have done.

I hav

I have enjoyed all the help that I have given my Dd and Ds and have never resented it (if I didn't want to do it, I wouldnt)
I have been "hands on" with all my Dgc and have always felt that it is just part and parcel of being a loving , close family.
I have occasionally helped out with emergency finances, they have always offered to pay me back, sometimes I let them and sometimes I dont (that is my choice).

Bambam* thats how I think too,I had children that was my choice and I'm not going to walk away because they're adults.They'll always be the most important part of my life ....along with their dad.The GC have spent so much time with us they think of us as surrogate parents and we are happy about that too.They have their own rooms here and clothes and toys and I wouldn't have it any other way ,like us they'll cope just fine when we're no longer around as we have without our folks but why would they have to until its a necessity? I saw my mum every day of my married life ,I was happy to do that and to care for her when she needed me.THATS what family does

By always picking up the pieces of your children's mistakes, you are not doing them any favours. Be there for them to discuss and try and find a solution, but providing the cash for new cars, holidays, home improvements, etc is not a good idea. This probably sounds harsh to some, sorry, but when will they ever learn to "go it alone"? If you need a break/holiday, and can afford it, surely you deserve it and should enjoy your life while you can.

No I don't feel like you! My children have to deal with their problems and my aim when bringing them up was to ensure that they had the resilience to do so! I help when and where I can but only what I am willing and able to do around my own life!!

It’s not about always picking the pieces up if they are ill or mentally unwell or left by a spouse/ partner or have horrible life things happen to them it’s not spoiling them to help You can’t just walk away and say get on with it. Not all people have blessed livescthrough no fault of their own

Brigeit, Illtellim was warning that these threads are sometimes placed on Twitter FB and in the Daily Mail and she was warning posters to be careful not to give more away than they are happy to see in print