I want my own life

Yes grandmajules I think most of us on here feel the same and you know what we only have ourselves to blame because we have brought our children up to be reliant on us because we did and still do toooo much for our children

I know you want to be a good mum and don't stop being a good mum but do start being good to yourself too

A little appreciation goes a long way. It doesn't have to be fulsome praise and enormous bouquets. There have ben other posters who feel that all they do is taken for granted, and it doesn't even occur to their children that gran gets tired and desponmdent too, and doesn't have the reserves of energy that she had when she was younger - or that she has worked hard for her savings, and deserves to spend some on herself, not always on bailing them out.

Totally understand GrandmaJules I feel like that sometimes and then one of the grandchildren (and sometimes their parents) will just come out with something so lovely that I know I’m appreciated.

However I do take myself off for a few days sometimes. In August I went to the Edinburgh Fringe, alone, though I did meet up with some rather lovely Scottish grand for a quick coffee. And next week I’m taking myself off again to Liverpool where I’ll meet up with some ex-colleagues, for a couple of hours. The rest of the time away will just be for me to wander and do my own thing.

Elegran, I have noticed that too. Short of parading all the times you have at great sacrifice gone to enormous lengths to help your children in times of need, there is not much one can do about it. The compensation is having a DC take you out for a very nice meal to say thank you for some help you have given in a crisis or going to a DC to do some holiday child minding and finding all your favourite foods in the fridge.

Treat yourself, give them plenty of notice and you will feel refreshed and alive and be so pleased to come back and tell them all about your adventures. They are taking you for granted, look after yourself first

Monica Quite a lot of these posts assume that it is either/or - that either you are delighted to do anything and everything for your family, to spend all your money on buying them things, to give up all thought of taking a much-needed holiday, to clean and wash and shop for them, and treat them as helpless infants, or you refuse to do anything, you would let them starve in a freezing garret before you spend a couple of pounds on buying them a tin of beans and a hot water bottle, you put your own comfort first and you keep your money firmly locked away and the key hidden.

It is not like that. If your children need you, you are there, but if they can do it themselves, they don't need you to do it for them - they need themselves to be strong, capable and independent.

And they need a parent who is NOT feeling like a cross between a free childminder, a free cleaning and decorating service and a free ATM.

Elegran, as ever, you sum it up perfectly.

I they are ill or unhappy or have horrible things happen to them then of course you step in and help, as they would step in and help you. If you have more money than you need, and they have less than they need, opf course you help out, and buy things for them. That is indeed what family does.

But what if you need a holiday but they want to change their car? What if you are tired and ill and getting older, but they are going on holiday and automatically expect you to look after several boisterous pets? What if their house needs redecorating and "Dad could do it while we are away." Should you always sacrifice your own interests for theirs?

.....and I believe that is how it should be for you as well!

It’s not about always picking the pieces up if they are ill or mentally unwell or left by a spouse/ partner or have horrible life things happen to them it’s not spoiling them to help You can’t just walk away and say get on with it. Not all people have blessed livescthrough no fault of their own

Brigeit, Illtellim was warning that these threads are sometimes placed on Twitter FB and in the Daily Mail and she was warning posters to be careful not to give more away than they are happy to see in print

No I don't feel like you! My children have to deal with their problems and my aim when bringing them up was to ensure that they had the resilience to do so! I help when and where I can but only what I am willing and able to do around my own life!!

By always picking up the pieces of your children's mistakes, you are not doing them any favours. Be there for them to discuss and try and find a solution, but providing the cash for new cars, holidays, home improvements, etc is not a good idea. This probably sounds harsh to some, sorry, but when will they ever learn to "go it alone"? If you need a break/holiday, and can afford it, surely you deserve it and should enjoy your life while you can.

Bambam* thats how I think too,I had children that was my choice and I'm not going to walk away because they're adults.They'll always be the most important part of my life ....along with their dad.The GC have spent so much time with us they think of us as surrogate parents and we are happy about that too.They have their own rooms here and clothes and toys and I wouldn't have it any other way ,like us they'll cope just fine when we're no longer around as we have without our folks but why would they have to until its a necessity? I saw my mum every day of my married life ,I was happy to do that and to care for her when she needed me.THATS what family does

I have enjoyed all the help that I have given my Dd and Ds and have never resented it (if I didn't want to do it, I wouldnt)
I have been "hands on" with all my Dgc and have always felt that it is just part and parcel of being a loving , close family.
I have occasionally helped out with emergency finances, they have always offered to pay me back, sometimes I let them and sometimes I dont (that is my choice).

I hav

If your children did not exist and you were to encounter some big problem yourself, what would you do? Would you fall about weeping and wailing and wishing that your parents were there to fix it for you as they did when you were a child? Or would you take a deep breath and work out the best way to solve it, get round it or survive it?

It sounds as though you are a solver and able to sort things out for yourself - so why haven't you brought up your children to be solvers too? Is it because it is pleasant to have them dependent on you, to be the go-to person who will magically smooth away all roughness from their lives?

That is lovely for them, and reaffirming for you, but at some point you are going to join your own parents and be unavailable. If they have had no experience of using their own judgment, living within their means, thinking things through and taking sometimes uncomfortable decisions, they will suffer far more from losing you than they might have done.

I don't understand your comment ILLTELLHIM ??

If children are brought up to believe that their parents are the answer to every problem and will get them out of every hole they dig themselves into, then they will always see their parents as the answer to every problem.

I brought my children up to be strong, resilient and self reliant. Yes, of course they made a mess of things in their student days and we helped them resolve their problems and pay their debts. We help them now, when we see a need or emergency and they know we are there, but they do not look to us to solve all their problems.

We do not live near enough to provide much child care, but the other grandma does and we can see that while she has given them a lot of help, even with her so close they only ask for help from her in emergencies. They accept that their children are their responsibility and however much she loves them, she is entitled to a life of her own.

Our children never asked to be born unlike some of the offspring of some of the posters on this thread, can't help wondering Why didn't they ask for better parents

This is an ideal story for a newspaper to feature - also your family members can read Gnet even without joining. So do be careful giving too much info that would easily identify you. If you want one of your own posts removed 'report' it.

It's a question of balance isn't it and being able to say 'no' sometimes. We are not helping by encouraging our adult children to rely on us all the time. They have to find their own way and make their own mistakes. We should be able to have a life of our own too.

GrandmaJules you are me! I am desperate for time to myself, go away for a few days, etc etc but my DD lurches from one crisis to another and has MH issues so don't feel I can leave her to sink and swim; sometimes I despair of ever having a life of my own again !

Just wanted to say, make sure to warn your DS and DD that you / your time / your money will be less available and they'll need to think ahead more.

Grandma Jules, understand TOTALLY.

Am in much the same situation myself, i.e. torn between wanting to help my children and wanting a life of my own!

I had four daughters in five years (plus two stepsons who we shared 50/50 custody)

My life wasn't all that easy as my husband died young too and money was tight but I plodded along thinking one day I would be free to ...please myself........

Except it has never happened! I now have ten grandchildren 8 and under! One of my daughters had a really bad time and I had to help her. Then my others started asking for equal shares of my time with babysitting. One of my grandsons has epilepsy and learning difficulties. I also have an elderly mother who I care, clean and cook for and it goes on. Oh and am still working part time also.

I am 64 now and still can't just up and go on holiday when it suits. I have to discuss with the family. Nothing much has changed and at times I just want to run away ha ha

I know I never will and my moans are unheard anyway so I just get on with it. I don't ALWAYS feel peeved, just now and again I wonder ...When is it MY time!!!! So yes, I understand totally where you are coming from. It sometimes isn't easy to assert yourself in the way others seem to be able to.

Take care

Good luck jules, You have been given good advice. Adult children have their own family which is their responsibility. Not yours.
We all have this to deal with because so much support is asked of us grandparents and as long as we provide it, it will be expected or even taken for granted by our adult children. support which we generally didnt get nor did we expect when we had young families.
Enjoy your holiday. We are off to cyprus this week and are looking forward to a much deserved break. The grandchildrens parents will have to sort out school pick up on the days that we cant. It does remind them of quite how much we do, no bad thing.