Parent of AC facing prison

Injejones, - No, he was very guilty. All his crimes were committed under influence of alcohol and drugs. Without those, he was always a very pleasant person. I knew him from a young pre-teen. The final crime got him a spot on television crime watch programme where the victim identified him by a particular scar. It was then that his parents realised it was him. However, because of this he never had any recall of his crimes, which is why he always said he was not guilty. As long as he stays drug and drink free he will be able to lead a normal life now.
Point I was making is that his parents hated what he had done (his sister took nearly five years to come to terms with it and visit him), but he was still their son and they were there for him. That trust helped him to try to lead a normal life now.

When my two were little I used to say "I love you when you're good, I love you when you're bad, but when you're bad you make me very, very, sad."
I think a grown up version of that is the way to go Abbeygran.
Hope you have support through this and don't blame yourself.

Glad to hear you're coping better, Abbey gran! I know this won't be the perfect Christmas for you, but I hope you can find some level of enjoyment.

Franbern, after reading your post it left me wondering if maybe he was innocent. Not many very serious offenders can completely change character like that AC apparently did. Maybe he was always of good character.

Abbey gran, know it has been so hard for you, hope that you manage to enjoy Christmas.

Some twenty odd years back, I can so well remember going round to very dear friends, on the afternoon that their son was found guilty of a very nasty crime. I can remember thinking that there is not an etiquette book written that says what to do in these circumstances. They were /are a lovely family, their daughter was at Uni, and this was their eldest. Not the first time he had been in trouble, and he could never admit his crimes. His sentence was ten years, which had to serve in full.
Whatever he had done, he was still their son, and they made it quite clear to him that whilst, hating what he had done (and they knew he had done it), they still loved him. His sister took much longer to come to terms with what her beloved elder brother had done.
The parents always visited him at the many different prisons he was sent to - never missing a visiting time. They supported him as he took various exams, and moved home to a different part of the country, ready for when he was finally released. They did not encourage him to come back to live with them, but helped him find a small flat to get out of the probation hostel.
They did make it very clear at that point, that this was his last chance with them and any further offences of any sort, they would cut him out of their lives.
Since he has been out, a few years now, - he has turned his life around - and is working and leading a good, respectable life. Even got himself a girlfriend, yes she does know about his past record. He, himself does say that if his parents had not been there supporting him over that ten years, then there is no way he would be where he is now.
Your child remains just that always.......I know when I hear of some horrific crime involving young people as perpetrators, I do find myself with tears for their parents as well as the families of the victims.
Good Luck - it will get easier with time.

Glad to hear you are coping better. It will pass and hopefully things will get better. Although you cannot be happy with something serious worrying you try and enjoy the odd moment of joy/ happiness. Wishing you well xx

Thank you again to all of you who provided messages of support, suggestions and many kind thoughts. We're still not out of the woods, but I'm coping better.

Merry Christmas to you all.

So sorry to read about your situation Abbeygran, I know to a slight extent how heartbreaking it is to cope with the consequences of a loved ones punishable actions.. But at the same time it can be a relief that it is out in the open and can become an opportunity to understand the why's & wherefores & then to decide how to deal with your relationship moving forwards. Possibly even setting new boundaries even at the same time as being a supportive parent. Good luck, stay strong, & mostly take care of yourself

I can only repeat what so many Grans have already said - keep on showing your son that you love and support him.
Whatever he's done, however bad, he has owned up. and that's the first step to turning over a new leaf and trying to lead a better life.
He needs your love even more now.
God knows we've all done bad things, mostly never found out, then tried to correct them. (Or forget them)

It is surely the OP and her family we are supporting, in the very fraught situation she finds herself, none of it presumably of her making.

Yes, you are quite right.
I personally hope that Abbeygran can gain some comfort from some of the replies here.

harrigran

Nannarose, please do not speak for other Gransnetters.

Thank you Abbeygran. I think we here on GN are glad to be part of your support network. Do take time to care for yourself so that you have the strength to help the family.

[Libralady] thank you for replying. You are so right, we just have to cope, there is no alternative. We're still waiting for the investigation to conclude, and find out what happens next. Tough times indeed, but I'm taking it a day at a time. My love and best wishes to you.

The experience broke my heart. My son served his time, took several exams that would be useful to him when he was released and was back in full-time employment after 3 weeks of being released. The experience changed him but he got on with it and has been in work ever since. He had to report to his Probation Officer for a while but eventually became a mentor for other young offenders and was commended by a Judge. He took his punishment like a man and he turned his life around and has stayed out of trouble since. It changed him - and me. Having studied all the statements which varied greatly, the legals should have done a more thorough job in their investigations. It would have taken time (I spent about 39 hours sifting through the statements and cross-referencing them but it should have been done by his legal team.) I think the outcome would have been different. Water under the bridge now but it made me feel very troubled. Abbeygran, we have to cope - horrendous at the time but we both got through it - as you will too. Good luck and keep strong.

libralady so sorry to hear you too have experienced the same - how is your AC now, and how have you coped - if you don't mind me asking?

Of course a mum wouldn't turn her back. You will love him forever. Do take care.

My heart goes out to you Abbeygran. I have been in that situation and could not and would not turn my back on my AC.

Thank you for taking the trouble to say that. I hope you can feel the support here, and find it useful.
If you can, I would take some solace in the fact that he has admitted guilt - it may not feel like it now, but this will make it easier on everyone, and must have taken some courage.

Reading the posts I was thinking along the same lines as Nanarose. When our children have a behavioural problem wen often blame ourselves but we should not. I had a problem childhood but have not repeated my parents' behaviour because I have had better experiences since leaving home. In the same way, a good childhood can be abandoned because the 'child' mixes in bad company. He is an adult and has made choices as an adult, it is not your fault.

Something not so far said is that I think it must feel like a bereavement. The AC you know and love seems to have been lost and left behind someone you do not recognise. He may or may not be truly penitent. He may only have admitted his crime because he was caught committing it. That doesn't matter, we cannot change what is past but you can show him the unconditional love you showed him when he was born.

I think it is easy for those whose children have grown up without any problems to say they would not support a criminal child but those of us with a wider experience will see it differently. One of my DiLs was very intolerant of a mother who supported a drug using son but now that she is a mother she says she would support her sons no matter what.

I wish you strength to cope with it all. If any of your friends are unsympathetic or make tactless comments, drop them. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you didn't commit the crime. I have had one very insensitive comment since my son died and want no more to do with them. They had a chance to apologise and didn't take it.

I think if its a one off and he knows he shouldn't have done it ,then he should have your support.We all make mistakes ,his just is worse than some and of course he's been caught when many aren't.Dont be ashamed of him ,he's still your son.Everyone of us is flawed thats why we shouldn't judge others

Absolutely agree that the family - innocent bystanders - deserve all possible support.
However if I'd been the mother of Brady or Hindley I'd be just as disgusted as any member of the family of the victims.
As I said, it depends on the nature of the offence.
Equally if a member of my family committed a crime and I knew about it, I'd have few qualms about reporting them to the police. There's a difference between giving unconditional support and condoning wrongdoing.

Nanarose thank you for your reply, I particularly like this paragraph :

Be truthful to GCs as far as is practical - Victim Support can be helpful, and so can school (you don't say their ages) who will have dealt with this before. A useful phrase, that kids are used to is 'making bad choices': we are very sad that daddy made some very bad choices, and we must all support each other now.