DH had an affair. Should we tell our children?

That doesn’t sound disrespectful at all Bridgeit
I do know what I need to do, I just can’t find a way there. Hopefully my new counsellor can help. Relate not really any help as they are trained in relationships only. This is something in me and I need to delve deeper.

I hope you manage to resolve this situation in a way that means you can both find some peace. Harbouring anger and resentment, which we would all do in your situation, is very stressful. I wish you both well.

Hope this doesn't sound disrespectful to your situation Ruby21, but if you have a good relationship & you are staying together despite what has happened, you have to get over this betrayal , either you forgive wholeheartedly or you don't. Your relationship will never be quite as it was, perhaps it may be even better, but you are stuck between a rock & hard place, you may not ever forget,but pack it away ,if you truly want to move on positively good luck

Just to be clear.
Our relationship is very good. The problem I have is getting over the betrayal.
I don’t think I’ve given mixed messages at all and I’m not sure I understand how that would be part of the problem with my DH. Are you blaming me? I do think some posters have put their own slant on the situation. That’s not a criticism, I haven’t given much away and it’s only natural for people to be influenced by their own experiences.

Interesting point, loopy. "very much in love" doesn't sound like a long-standing married relationship either. Loving, yes; "in love"?

Yes but Ruby says they are still " very much in love" which does not sound like years of a cold relationship to me.
She seems to give us mixed messages. I wonder if she does this to her DH which might be part of the problem.

You haven't said anything I fundamentally disagree with, mes. I think we are just coming at it from a slightly different angle. I'm talking from the perspective of someone who had supposedly been addressing the issues (trying to at any rate) for years, without success. I also think "cheat" is too strong a word in some circumstances. I guess I'm arguing that not all "cheating" is equal. Also, in my hypothetical situation, the "cheater" has felt cheated for many years before "cheating" themself. I think, perhaps, that you only regard sexual infidelity as cheating in a marriage? That may be where the difference in our viewpoints lies.

I also think that, like some of the other commenters on this thread, I'm making more allowances for human frailty and anguish and ways of coping with them. Non-simple issues don't have simple solutions.

If the marriage is so dead Baggs, that there has been s consistent lack of love and honour then personally, I would not live a lie. I would end it. I still believe that we have the choice to say yes or no and that the majority of people are able to make informed, adult choices. Each of us is slso accountable for our decisions and actions, referring up those that have no impairment obviously. Yes, forgiveness is a besutiful thing and yes, human nature is full of frailties. However, it does not admonish is from the results of our actions. Most of us have had temptations of some sort or other present to us, but I am sure most of us did not give in to it because we knew it was wrong. In still comes down to a choice, do you cheat or do you not. If you feel you have a need to cheat, then address the issues that make you feel you are justified in cheating. We all have our own thoughts on this type of scenario. I honestly hope Ruby can find her peace with whatever she decides to do. My best wishes to each and everyone that may be struggling with the same issue. I dont have anything more to say except to repeat, may Ruby find resolution.

I agree with your posts Luckygirl and Petra

I suppose it all comes down to some of us understanding the frailties of human nature and being more forgiving.

Depends on your definition of astray. What if 'straying' is the result of years during which there was a lack of "love and honour" shown by the other partner–not a comment on the OP, just a possible scenario that petra's "accumulation of many factors describes"? Is that not the first breaking of the marriage contract, a straying away from the commitment made?

What matters here (to me) is that somebody committed an action, reason unknown to us, which has had grave repercussions, but is apparently trying to make amends. Does repentance count for nothing?

How does one let themselves be led astray ?? If we go astray we do so knowing that we are.

Luckygirl you have made quite a few assumptions about OPs husband casting his behaviour in a better light than perhaps it really was

Life is imperfect, as indeed we all are; and sometimes people are tempted to do things that ideally they should not do, especially at an age when they can see that most of their life and opportunities are slipping away.

The OP's partner has made a huge mistake and the OP is struggling with the issue of forgiveness. This is not a serial adulterer or a partner who does not care a jot; it sounds as though it is a man who has been a good husband, but let himself be led astray. It may be that there is a lot to be gained by both of them if they can move on and make it work in their own way.

I do not feel in a position to judge. I have had my temptations in my time and some offers that seemed attractive - I did not act on them; but I am not about to throw the first stone and label as bad someone who gave in to one of those temptations.

Let us support the OP in her efforts to find the right path for her and her OH, rather than labeling her OH as evil and uncaring.

Petra, with all due respects, what has happened to people's sense of decency and honouring a commitment they made to their partner/spouse. People are not forced to commit adultety. If you are not free, then you have no right to commit adultery. If you want to be with someone else, then do the decent thing and leave the relationship. Don't people have self control any more? Especially when their actions cause so much hurt to spouses and family. I really cannot believe people can be so selfish and only think of themselves. Look at the pain and turmoil the OP is still suffering. Adultety is adultery, no matter how one chooses to dress it up. If you cant/won't stay loyal and faithful to your spouse/partner then you shouldn't be eith them. It's just not right.

MesMopTop
I think you'll find that very few people set out to deliberately have an affair. It's usually an accumulation of many factors until the 'opportunity' presents itself.

Hi Baggs, I don't know enough about autism to be able to make an informed comment so will leave it at that.

Sexual faithfulness is only one aspect of marriage faithfulness. Marriage 'faithfulness' is a complex thing and, to my mind, includes all sorts of behaviours including the ordinary everyday way partners treat each other either deliberately or because of underlying problems with social skills such as those caused by autism.

Based on that I would argue that an extra-marital affair can be called a mistake rather than a deliberate choice. That's not to argue that all extra-marital affairs can be called mistakes. It is saying some can.

Mumofmadboys. I responded to the post from the OP about whether she wanted to stay it leave her husband because he had been unfaithful. That was not a mistake. He deliberately chose to be unfaithful to his wife regardless of the potential hurt and devastation it would cause if he were found out. I fully appreciate there is no such thing as a perfect marriage, but I'll wager there are many marriages where lying and cheating with affairs just wouldn't happen. The OP has to decide whether she stays of leaves this man and I feel she has answered her own question. One may forgive but that still won't make everything right. I just wonder if his being caught is what ended the affair as that would be very telling . Again, it's the OPs decision as she is the one that has to live with the consequences of her decision. I will again reiterate, I was not suggesting for one second she look for another man. Hardly the thing I think she would choose when she's had so much trouble with her husband. I was telling her that there are very many men out there that would never cross that line, preferring to raise any issues with their wives and talk about it, rather than choose to have an affair. An affair is hardly a mistake, it is s choice the person consciously makes.

Ruby21. My apologies if that came over incorrectly. I was not suggesting for one minute you look for another man, I was stating that there areanyany honourable men out there that have remained faithful to their wives/partners. Your husbamd may have been faithful for 25 years but he didn't remain faithful. That's whatbi would be concerned about. The fact that rather than talk with you about any problems or doubts he just went ahead and had an affair. No concern about what it would do to you or your family. I still think you have answered your own question about whether you stay or go. It's a hard decision when you've invested a lot of time and sometimes the thought of being alone when you have been used to being a couple is frightening. An affair is a serious thing, not some silly mistake. Only you can choose because you're the one that has to live with the consequences of your decision.,good luck to you.

I hope returning to counselling helps ruby21. Wishing you well.

May have tried it, may have liked it but long term solution, nah !

Bridgeit
You've obviously never tried it

The thing that strikes me "Ruby" is your insistence that you and your husband are still in love. If he was in love with you why did he betray you? And if you did manage to make him fall in love with you all over again how long do you think it will last if you are continually agonising over what happened two years ago? I think you have to either put it completely behind you or leave.