DH had an affair. Should we tell our children?

I don't think there's any 'should' about it. Perhaps it would make things easier for you if you did tell; perhaps it wouldn't. I don't think "setting a good example" comes into it either. Is it 'setting a good example' to confess one's (or someone else's!) 'sins'?

Sorry. Not much help.

It should be discussed with them. As well as dealing with your hurt, you are also having to deal with unremitting pretending (always stressful) and also watching them treat him as if he is a beacon of virtue when you know better. This simply adds to your burden.

In essence you are protecting him - do you feel he deserves this?

You cannot protect your adult children from life's realities; and they cannot support you (which I am sure they would wish to do) if they are kept in the dark. It is a potentially explosive revelation, but that is how life is.

Sorry you are having to deal with all this.

Agree with luck

Hard though.

Difficult one - my children were very young when this happened to me the first time. Eventually I ended the marriage due to several repeats, but if its only happened the once and you are determined to repair the damage, maybe best not to involve your children. You will be the best one to judge how they would cope with such a shock. Is it possible that they've already guessed and are just keeping quiet about it hoping it will all settle down?

Is the affair still going on? That also puts a different complexion on it rather than if it was a short lived error of judgement.

Only you can decide if it would be a good idea to get things out in the open. You may feel better for doing so, but I wouldn't think about setting examples. Your children are grown - I'm sure they have their own issues which they wouldn't particularly share with you. Sorry you're having to deal with this, it must be difficult to know what to do.

The affair was ended upon my discovery so not ongoing.

Baggs it's not so much about confessing to sins it's about sharing your problems and making them aware of what we're going through. I would hate to think my children would keep a massive secret like this from me.

I think we're at the point where anything that would help us reconcile is being considered.
If we split up we would tell them anyway.

Speaking from experience I would rather not have known about my father's affair.

How would the children benefit from knowing?

Thanks chelseababy that's interesting.

Annie I know it would hurt them but maybe they would feel involved and possibly benefit from their parents staying together.

Possibly Ruby, or it could cause a rift between them and their father, I wouldn't tell but only you know who would benefit and who would lose , good luck, I hope your marriage can be healed

Thanks Annie

It's hard.
I would hate for them to hear through someone else one day.

It doesn't bother me to think my kids keep "massive secrets" from me. I guess that's where the difference in possible approaches might lie. Whatever you do, ruby, I wish you all the best.

might keep

No don't tell them. This is between you and him. There is a danger that they will feel they must take sides. I have been that child. Please do not do it.

Would it help the situation if they knew? Would it change how they feel/speak about their father and you? Would you spend precious energy protecting him if they attack him or start to ignore him?

I know.
It's a minefield.

Thank you for your thoughts everyone

Why might they hear it from someone else, who else knows?.
I don't see any point in telling your children, why involve them!.
It might make you feel better but you risk splitting your family with some taking sides. What is the point in telling them, you will make them feel very unhappy and it could finish your marriage.

If you think you are not going to recover from this and that there's no hope of your marriage surviving the affair then that would be the time to tell them.

Do you know why he had an affair?.

Are you seeing Relate or any other counselling organisation? If not that might be a better first bet rather than talking to your children.

A horrid situation for you.

Keeping secrets that affect family life is very hard and adds extra pressure to an already difficult situation. Only you know and understand your family dynamic and can say how telling/not telling fits into that. In my family we are very open about difficulties and struggles, but we have also, in the past, protected the children from the direct effects of those at times. In your situation my children would expect me to tell them about the affair, but each family is unique and I can't speak for yours. Have you spoken with your husband about the possibility of discussing this?

No advice from me but thinking back to when DH used to go on a lot of courses and jollies with his job and knowing that there was quite a lot of this sort of thing going on I always hoped that if he got involved I would never find out. I just wasn't sure I would have coped if I had known. I have no reason to think he did but who knows?

I cannot think how telling your children would help the situation unless you want them to help you decide whether to end the marriage or not.

I don't think it advisable to tell the children. It may well affect their relationship with their dad, bring up all sorts of other issues and possibly have a knock-on effect in your own relationship.

Yes, we are aware what triggered the affair.
Yes, we went to relate and now I'm going alone.
Yes, I have discussed with DH about telling them, and going public.
We have told no-one but I have no idea if the OW has told anyone.

Most of your replies mention the children and their relationship with him. It's all about protecting him.