DH had an affair. Should we tell our children?

How does drunken sex solve anything ! ?

While you are considering leaving the man you say you love the other woman is winning .. Do you really want that to happen . I know I wouldn't.
Go on a dirty weekend . Get drunk together .Go to Ann Summers ..Have plenty of drunken sex and laugh together and then maybe you can talk things through and start to rebuild your marriage as I'm certain there is plenty to rebuild .
That's what I would do .

Keep on hugging!

Thank you Petra ?
I have just been out to the kitchen, where he is cooking dinner, and given him a big hug.

I will reply when I’ve gathered my thoughts x

Ruby
I have sent you a PM.

Yes Loopy, I’m sure of that.
I don’t want to go into details but it was certain circumstances and situations that led to the affair.

Sorry to be so suspicious but are you sure he was faithful for 20 years? Seems a bit strange that after all that time he would stray. Unless he suddenly realised he was getting older.
I do hope you both work it out, you obviously have a lot of shared life together.

Well I think Ruby21 isn't that certain because if she was she would have already decided. I think she is wanting to hear other opinions in the hope that something will give her more clarity. Being in a quandary is very debilitating. Somewhere deep inside of each of us is a little voice trying to be heard and to guide us with such difficult decisions. Good luck Ruby, listen to your inner self .ps. Perhaps it would help if you stay together to make some changes in what you accept in terms of behaviour, way of living etc

Ruby I hope I don't sound patronising when I say well done for not throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Your pain is readily apparent and yet you're holding on to some really positive truths; there is still love between you and your husband, and you acknowledge his past faithfulness. I'm rooting for your marriage to work out as the lesser of two painful options. There are several on Gransnet who have been in similar positions to you and have come through it with their marriages restored - I hope you can too.

Mesmoptop your post doesn't seem at all helpful . Ruby has said she loves her husband. Isn't there room in life for making mistakes and receiving forgiveness? None of us are perfect and much of life is a compromise. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage.

I’m guessing you haven’t been in this situation MesMopTop?
It’s not a case of finding one of your ‘many men’. Why would I do that?
That’s not even crossed my mind tbh. My decision is whether to be with a man who was faithful to me for over 20 years or be alone.

So sorry you are in this podition. Did the affair end only because he was found out? I would think that people that were in love with each other would stay faithful to each other. You know what the trigger was? Yeah, he couldn't be honest and faithful and keep it in his pants. Probably still be going on if you hadn't caught him. I don't think I could continue a marriage after such a betrayal, because that's what it is. I think you've andwered your own question by suggesting you don't think it would work out. My opinion is that I'd be worth so much better than a lying, cheating husband. I would not be making excuses for him either. He needs to take responsibility and be accountable for what he did to you. Don't think he was thinking much about you or his family when he was out having his jollies. How much did he think of his children then. Only you can decided what you want/need to do but there are many lovely men out there that continue to honour their wives and girlfriends byvrmsining faithful to them. Best of luck in whatever you decide.

Good plan. You are NOT bonkers - if you are, we all are!!

Thanks all ?
‘Permission’ to hate the OW has made me feel slightly less bonkers.

Doing nothing and waiting is a good plans so I resume counselling, for myself only, next week to try and find a way forward.

You are entitled to hate the OW - don't feel that is bad and you have to suppress it - we would all feel like that. Maybe this is what your counselling should focus on to start with.

Whether or not to tell the children about the affair does not seem to be the first question you are asking yourself.
Should I stay? Should I go?
When I really don't know what to do, I generally do nothing until I have really thought about it.
And sometimes the answer comes.

Please go to counselling.

The OW? Laugh in her face, she lost, you're still together.
Don't let her win!

I think you are allowed to hate the ow! I would! Regardless of what I thought about dh!!

Thank you

I/We haven't had counselling for 2 years. We had about 6 sessions that finished a year ago.

I have arranged to go back. I know that leaving is a terrible idea but I need to figure out how to stay It's painful either way but probably easier with him to support me.

I also need to address my hatred of the OW which is all consuming at times.

Being in love is usually something that dies down a bit as the years go by and something else gradually takes its place - just as valuable, but different.

I agree with loopyloo I think you are at a real crossroads and maybe thinking ‘I m going’ one day and not the next
I also understand you can’t divulge any more on a public www so I really think you should get back to counselling and tell the counsellor all the things you have told us and more and work it out with someone who does know the details We re all guessing at things on here we don’t know you or him and only no little pieces of the story so please don’t be driven my any of us
If the counselling is not working after two years find a different one some types of counselling suit some more than others but really really be sure before walking away
Good luck and come back and tell us when you are totally sure which road you are taking

But you say you have decided to end the marriage and the split will be amicable.
I think you should get some more counselling. If you are still in love, surely you should not rush to do anything.
Whatever you do I wish you well.

Just calling in to see how you're feeling Ruby and reading through from my last post and I feel a shift from you regarding you separating.
If you can't envisage life without him and you are both still in love then there is a lot of hope for your marriage.
Tell me if I'm wrong but because of what's happened, do you feel silly and self conscious being flirty/sexy with him now and that is the "sticking point" with repairing your relationship?
Only asking as my Best Friend went through this years ago and when I finally got her to tell me what was holding her back, even though they still loved each other, this is what she told me.
She was so distraught by this time, that she was staying with me so that she could "get herself together" and told him to leave her alone.
Anyway, after two weeks or so, he arrives at my door, clearly distressed and i told him she didnt want to see him but I would sit in his car and speak to him.
I didn't tell him what my friend had confided, obviously, but I said that if he wanted her back, I suggested he "court" her again like he did when they first met. I ran in and spoke to her to see if she agreed and the "first date" was set for the following night.
He arrived, very smart and courteous and was invited into the hallway where when she descended the stairs he presented her with bouquet of flowers and a tiny box of chocolates and off they went for a meal.
The next night, the cinema and so on. and they dated for, if my memory serves, five night.
Fifth night, she never came "home".
They were together for the next 40 odd years, happily and he treated her like the "Princess" she was for the rest of her life.
I remained "best friends" to them both until they both passed away and the "week of dating" was never mentioned again.
(and now I am in tears remembering my best friend).
So, do you think something along these lines might help with you?

I have no idea what I envisage tbh because I can't imagine not being with him.
That is one of the saddest posts I have read.
Silly phrases go through my mind like " he's your fella and you love him and that's all there is to that;" and Gigi: " I would rather be miserable with you than without you."
I don't think you are ready to leave him, you would just exchange one misery for another.
You are right in not disclosing details of the affair-sometimes it's just too painful, but I wonder if you have a trustworthy, non-judgemental friend or relative you could unburden yourself to, not for advice but just for someone to give you comfort.
As your children are 18 plus, you may be suffering empty-nesting on top of everything else. Is there any way you could change direction slightly in your life: a different form of work, going for promotion, training for something challenging physically, (not my preferred option, I admit.)? OU helped me. Studying tired me out and occupied my mind; sleepless nights were spent worrying worrying about exam questions rather than a faithless spouse, and small successes repaired my my damaged self-esteem.