DH had an affair. Should we tell our children?

Thank you Norah and star lady for your comments. My first post and I did not realise I had tagged onto another thread my apologies to all

Grannyflower, I like time alone with my DDs. Their DHs are fine with our time.

Grannyflower, welcome! I have some things to say in reply to your post, but Ruby's right, imo, you need to start your own conversation. If you don't know how, I'll tell you. First, click on "Relationships," above, which will take you back to the list of topics in this section. At the top of that list, on the left, you'll see "Start a new discussion." Click that on and you're all set.

Ruby, glad you're in counseling and wish you the best. Since the affair was "long and complicated," I imagine there are a lot of "little" betrayals to get over inside the "big," overall one. The fact that dh got involved with ow in the first place, some of the special things they did together, lies he told you to cover up, maybe a few times when he tried to break it off but then didn't, etc. Idk how counselors deal with this, but I imagine you'll have to work through some of these separately.

Some of the hurts may never fade away completely. Both you and dh will have to live with that if it happens, I guess. But I hope you get past it all and move on.

I appreciate that there are things he does with/for you that he never did with/for her, and I'm glad you appreciate it. Would it help, also, to start building some new experiences together that aren't tainted by his affair? Maybe go on a vacation somewhere neither of you has ever been and learn about it together? Or start to volunteer together for a cause or organization that you both care about.

Anyhow, best of luck moving forward!

Depends whether you want to stay or go. Would you be happier alone? What about all the other aspects of divorce? The children may well not take your side, there will be rifts. If you really are very much in love then perhaps you already have your answer?
I wouldn't worry about being identified, there have been half a dozen posts that I could have written myself. (No, not this one though).

I m amazed this thread is still going on At the end of the day everyone will have a different level of acceptance which is probably entirely different to Ruby s Only she knows the circumstances and has rightly made it quite clear they are not up for discussion, so what advice can possible be given. Only she knows her husband and his good sides if she Is able to go into the kitchen for a cuddle while he cooks her dinner they are no where near parting
Ruby personally I would finish the thread and talk to your counsellor who will be able to know the full story and hopefully untangle the tangles
Good luck

Hi Grannyflower
This is a bit off topic for this thread and you may get more replies if you start your own.

However, my thoughts are that your future son-in-law should be spending some time on his own with his DM.
Does your DD spend time alone with you or is he always there?
I have always insisted my DH see his Mum on his own and he frequently takes her out for lunch. My own DS (who lives with his GF) also sees me alone and his Dad.
It’s important these relationships are nurtured.

DD is planning her dream wedding but her MIL to be is now texting her DS saying she wants to see him without my DD being present and wants M & S time. That she gave birth to him, gave him life, cared for him and brought him up. He shares the text messages with my DD which she finds upsetting as she bends over backwards to include his mother in everything. Takes her for lunch, shopping etc arranges to meet again then his M texts DS to say she is exhausted because of it all. She has an 'ailment' for everything and has to make a drama to get attention, including ringing DS in the early hours! She lives with 2nd DH and DD. How do I help them all to have good relations?

bluegal I agree with you and don't think you are a geriatric floozy - just a normal human being with flaws, as we all are .

I do think the only anyone can get over the damage to trust that an affair causes it to accept just that - we are all flawed human beings; flawed in that we let these things happen and flawed in whether we can get over it or not. We are not saints and sometimes have to accept that.

Oops. Not sure what happened there. Apologies.

Certainty could take some time to come ruby, wishing you strength to work toward the ending. As *ga has said, I admire the sentiment behind your final two sentences.

She had an affair; you had and have a marriage

Thank you.

I try not to think about the moments they shared. They’re insignificant to the life we have had together. He has never cooked her dinner, woken with her on a Christmas morning, he has never stroked her head when she was ill, they have never gardened together, chosen paint colours, danced in the kitchen ......

Ruby I so admire the sentiment behind your final two sentences.

It shouldn’t be minimised and is an awful betrayal, but every situation is different and I certainly haven’t been gaslighted.

I really appreciate all the responses here so thank you to each and every one of you.

Just to update, I have identified the reason behind my ‘blip’ and have hopefully found a way through.
It’s hard, I’m still unsure.

I considered the other day how I would feel if he said he was leaving. I thought about a future without him in my life. OW has moved on with her life. I want to see this affair as a bad chapter in a great book. I don’t want it to be the final chapter, I want a happy ending.

We are all different & react differently to each other. But, in my experience, with affairs comes abuse. The lying & deceit can take its toll on the betrayed spouse who is often ground down by the cheater & find themselves a shadow of their former self. They question their own sanity after being gaslighted over a long period of time. There are worse things in marriage than infidelity? Really? I lost a member of my family in the aftermath of an affair. He committed suicide. He felt so betrayed, embarrassed, ashamed, he couldn't bear to see her with the other man so he took his own life.
Maybe some can get over such betrayal & move on but some just can't. It can be a dreadful dreadful thing to do to someone. It shouldn't be minimised- in my humble opinion.

Oh, I so agree with you, Bluegal. There are worse things than infidelity in a marriage, and the perpetually martyred spouse can do more harm than a clean break. As for plain simple lives.... Well! Not quite a soap opera, but as my mother said to me during one of my marital crises, well, at least you could never say your life is dull!

You said it, Bluegal

Think I am going to put the cat amongst the pigeons now.

I have had a husband who was unfaithful (I forgave him) and I have also been the OW (many years apart when I was a widow). Of COURSE his DW hated me, when she found out, couldn't expect much else and we ended it although have still stayed friends, because that is what we started off as. If we had been stronger people, then it would not have led to a physical affair but... ...we weren't! I had long conversations with DW, in which we were all honest and she chose to stay with him because she loved him and was prepared to forgive him.

My own F had an affair when I was a young teenager. My DM, stayed with him but NEVER forgave him and I really wish she had left him. Not for her sake but for his! She made him pay constantly for the next 40 years!! He did everything he could to make up for it. I hurt for my dad much more than my mum and even though I was young I could see both sides of it all (I was nosy and listened in to conversations I shouldn't have)

I don't think anybody sets out to hurt anyone deliberately.... yes it would be very simple if everything was as black and white as lots of people seem to feel. You meet someone, fall in love and that's it for ever more... Don't forget when marriage was invented....people were only married for a few years as one or other generally died before they were 30!!!

This isn't me giving excuses I am just pointing out that its a human failing to be attracted to other people. Sure, you don't have to 'act' on it but..... so many people succumb. Non of them intend to hurt anyone although they know it will hurt. It kind of eludes them when they are in la-la land, which is basically what an affair is! A selfish insular bubble of existence.

It really is up to you Ruby21. I just sense you can make this work but it will take time and maybe more compassion than you think you can muster? It doesn't sound to me that your DH would ever put you through this again and as you say you have had 20 or so great years, why throw it away?

I don't expect many of you to agree with me and I am probably being labelled the geriatric floozy now.....[laugh] I am more amazed at how many of you have had plain simple lives........Mine resembles a soap opera!

luckily I had told my children of their grandfather's affairs because at his funeral a still beautiful woman of over 80 came up to one of my daughters and said in a very meaningful way that she had been a 'very close friend' of his in the past!!! My daughter was speechless! Thankfully my mother did not attend.

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Thank you Baggs

My DH is not receiving ‘mixed messages’. I’m completely honest with him, he knows I’m struggling and tbh, why wouldn’t I be.

None of what I wrote is blaming you, ruby, or anyone else. It was general discussion of situations like yours. I hope you can find a way to get over the betrayal you feel. Someone said up thread that it might take a long time. I think that's worth bearing in mind. Good luck

My very best wishes Ruby and I do so hope you find resolution and peace.

Just to say that the affair was long and complex, so there’s a lot to work through