Husbands

Frankly in this situation I would be depressed.
Do you have your own bank account? Is your salary paid in to that? Frankly, I think you are being taken advantage of.
Do take some advice.
With regards to work, I would quietly carry on doing your job as well as possible and not rush to resign.
You are worth it.

There are some great bits of advice here and you should certainly seek financial advice regarding your debts and also employment as it seems your company are also riding rough roughshod over your position and trying to push you in a direction you don't want to go. It's clear that you are not in a strong place right now, physically or emotionally and in the first instance you need someone to help you mediate with your husband. I don't know where you start with getting help to do that but possibly one of your children might help or your GP? You have been very candid in writing how you feel here and perhaps you might feel empowered to write something similar to your husband if you feel you can't physically sit down and tell him how you are feeling. If he truly cares he will read your words and then perhaps you can both work out what's the best thing to do going forward. It might be that he is scared that he's got himself in the same situation that he had with his previous marriage and doesnt feel he should be the one to bale you out of your financial issues like he had to before. However it is his responsibility as the main earner to provide financial support. It seems he is expecting you to provide provisions and certain things within the home that clearly are over and above your earnings. Perhaps you could come to an arrangement where he pays so much a month into your account for housekeeping, I know it sounds rather victorian but at least it might help. He could also offer pay off your debts and make part of the amount an interest free loan which you could agree to pay him back once everything else has been sorted out. He needs to be made aware that the current situation is making you ill and unless he helps you sort things out it will only get worse. I hope that you can reconsile your situation both at home and work. You are only 56yrs old there is a lot of life to be lived yet so don't give up, get help; Online free advice from Citizens Advice and other organisations maybe able to give you the confidence you need to start putting yourself first. Good luck lady!

I did quite a bit of insolvency work before I retired and IVAs are rarely a good idea unless you have a property or business to try to save.
You need to put forward a proposal and get 75% of creditors by value to agree and personal creditors may be disallowed unless you have very good evidence of any debts. The proposal needs to be in a particular form and approved by the Court. The Inland Revenue and VAT office rarely agree to them.
It is usually better to try to arrange things outside of an IVA to save the costs involved although it does bind your creditors.
It does seem strange that you are still running up a credit card debt just to buy food (although I have been hard up enough in the past to have to do that so I do understand)and you do need someone objective to look at your debt situation.
I do have some sympathy with your husband not wanting a joint account at this stage and some posters have made some good points looking at things from his point of view.
I think you are at the 'gathering information' stage.

I agree with Vampire Queen,make yourself a plan won't be easy BUT you'd at least have your own life

Vampirequeen has told you exactly what you must do. Certainly don't wait for 3 years until you are debt free because you won't be and you will be an emotional wreck by then. Go to the council and talk to them about housing and find out what your rights are, look for a flat in the area or a house share and make tomorrow the first day of the rest of your life. Get out and never look back.

I cried when I read this it sounds like my first marriage. I would normally be the first to advocate trying to work it out but I feel this situation is at best out of hand and at worst abuse. You clealy have mental heath issues and are suffering from anxiety and you are clearly depressed with low self-esteem and no confidence . First Please stop beating your self up you say in one reply you feel stupid for getting into this mess. You actually didn't get into this mess alone you are buying food on your credit card food i assume he eat? . All you have done is trust a man so stop giving your self a hard time. Have you spoken to your Doctor about your situation He or she can help in more than just your help they can help you access agencies of support ? I also think you need to get advice about your work situation they may tell you there will be no redundancies but this may not be lawful. I personally would not want to go into shared accommodation as an older lady but I would speak to women's aid. Also speak to the council these days they have a duty of care toward women in your situation. Bankruptcy and IVA are nor things to go into lightly without advice and support. If you do leave and need to start again Bankruptcy or IVA will restrict you greatly and could be hinder to you if you need to find a landlord or buy anything. Only you know if your marriage is worth saving if you think it is suggest counselling ( my mum was a penny pincher due to being brought up during rationing) But first I think you need to get yourself on track to feel stronger to cope. Seek advice understand your options and start loving your self you deserve better . Good luck

I feel your pain.
I'm in a similar situation, except I have two teenage boys, one on the spectrum who finds coping difficult, let alone change.
It's a difficult one - but all advice from previous Gransnetters sounds like it's the way forward for you!

What is it that you love about this man? I suggest that you learn to love yourself. Look after yourself, he is not going to. Plan your escape and don't look back. Good luck! x

So sorry to read your story, I know how it feels to be in such an unhappy situation where you feel trapped, but you have had some good advice and I believe you have the strength to find your way out of it. However hard that might seem, focus on the long term goal of achieving the happiness you deserve. There’s always a way.

In a way you are living a single existence anyway, this man isn’t making you happy. You don’t have to rush into anything, but once you make your decision to leave this selfish man, and start making plans you’ll feel positive about your future.

I feel sorry for the situation you find yourself in, it can,t be easy for you at all. I am starting at the point were you say because you live in a council house your husband refuses to do any redecorating because it is a waste of money. I see the place where someone lives as a home regardless of whether you own or rent it. Also he he dabbles on the stock market and is good at saving money! To me he sounds very mean and penny pinching. Yes he may have had problems with debt from his ex...however I wonder if he actually contributed to this with his meanness and she thereby had to pay for things on credit like the shopping as you are now doing. There has been some good advice above. As someone else suggested try and see if it's possible to get a small sheltered housing flat with the original HA. Once you are 55 you qualify to apply. Is there a way if that is,nt possible that you you can apply for one in another area maybe closer to one or other of your children. Could you perhaps have two smaller part time jobs as opposed to one full time one, giving you an opportunity to escape from the work you do now. Also see your GP as if you are feeling down like this a course of anti-depressants could help you cope better. The CAB can help you to sort out your debt problems...try and book an appointment soon so that you will feel more in control of it. Refuse to pay for household shopping yourself....your husband earns three times more than you...has no mortgage to pay....saves up his money ... dabbles the stock market....he is rubbing your nose in it and sounds worse than the original Scrooge. Some people put money above everything else and he sounds like one of them. Take your courage in your hands ..... and be determined to get somewhere else to live and work. I hope things will soon improve for you.

I am sorry for your situation. I can’t add anything to the great advice already given but do some research into reducing your debt. You don’t have to struggle for 3 years to pay it off as there are IVAs which are less drastic than bankruptcy but be careful as there are people who will rip you off causing more heartache. Go to Citizens Advice Bureau and ask for information on IVAs and reputable companies who can help with this. moneysavingexpert.com also has a great forum section on debt and there will be information on IVAs from people who are going through the procedure.

I’m sure this is a legacy of his first marriage. He could cope before u married because legally he was not responsiblyefpr your debts. He needs to see you are able to pay off ur debts responsibly. Try a debt charity like STEPS . TO SHOW HIM YOU MEAN TO BE DEBT FREE. THEN WRITE DOWN FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS EVERY THING YOU SPEND AND REPAY. let him study this and tell him that u I no way are going to land him in the same mess as last time. Tell him that if he cannot accept this u will have to leave, give him a month to get his head round it, then do what u feel u need to do , stay or go. Meanwhile, research your options.

I do feel for you when you move in with someone to me you become a partnership and you share everything that's the idea your man is definitely abusing you financially and keeping you right under his thumb look at spare room . Com better to share a house than be committed into renting a place in your own or place a free ad on there and see what happens tell him nothing I think he will try to talk you around with false promises as men do I'm always here if you want to chat or private message Good Luck ?

He doesn’t sound pleaaant but I am baffled why you are in a huge amount of debt.

He pays the main bills and yet you’re putting shopping on yoir credit card bills.

As for buying new things for the house, it would seem that he has everything but you didn’t like the fact it was things he had had with his ex, so you went out and bought new things.

He has everything his way. It is a shame that you didn't take the new job but I understand that as I have allowed myself to be coerced into bad decisions. The problem is that while you are with him you are not going to be strong enough to deal with the other problems because he is bringing you own.
Aside from the security, do you gain anything from this relationship?
I agree with the comments others have made. Speak to Womens Aid or a similar organisation. You need to talk through the whole situation. Hopefully you will be eligible for a council flat yourself which seems likely as you were in a housing association before but you do have to push a bit nowadays as they try to keep their lists down. Don't rush yourself into decisions but start taking it step by step in the right direction.
If you get offered another job, accept it and then present it to your husband as a fait accompli.

You're not alone in this situation so don't blame yourself or think that it's unique. Start having face-to-face conversations with loyal friends and family but don't expect them to tell you what to do. This is your decision and your life.
I'm a retired family lawyer & have seen the damage done by selfishness and its attendant misery.
Take one step at a time and you have already taken the first with this conversation.
I suspect that you know that you will have to leave: it's just a question of when. Who holds the tenancy of your home ? Can you check out the cost of available bolt-holes ? Would you be happier in somewhere small for a while ?
Imagine life in 20 years time.......do you want to look back and find you've waited all those years.
No one is happy all the time - that's just a media myth - but your situation sounds like classic abuse and you need all your skills of self-preservation.
Be brave and move forward.

Only you know deep down if you would be happier with or without him. If you divorced you would get some of his assets but 5 years marriage seems to be when assets shared equally. Go to cab and seek advice. Your health is important so look after yourself.

I understand there are a variety of debt charities out there who can support you -https://www.stepchange.org/
At least it would be one aspect off your mind while you consider making other changes to your life. Good luck!

He does some housework and has encouraged you to work less to protect your health, doesn't sound like a monster, more like a man worrying about money.

Sort you own debts out there are new debt orders available for this DRO I think they are called look on Gov.com web site.

If you worked less, maybe you could decorate the house, paint is cheap enough, second hand stuff on freecycle can be very useful.

When you moved in with him you must have refered his furniture to your own, or you would have kept yours. You did love / do love him. Money would appear to be the issue then, he has suffered from a profligate wife before and that prospect seems to worry him, as well it might.

One person wanting to be more frugal than the other isn't really abuse is it? It could so easily be argued the other way that he works hard and is abused by a wife who runs up debts.

Time to resolve the finances between the two of you..... but for you especially, to see what debt help is out there for you, whether you stay or go you will need that.

Oh dear. Sorry, but what you are experiencing amounts to both emotional and financial abuse. Your husband is far more interested in you as a source of income than as a true partner in life. The chances of him changing now are minimal, and even if he did, would you trust in the change lasting long term? The advice given by Vampire Queen is absolutely spot on, and I can add nothing to it. In your position, I'd divorce and go for a clean break with a 50/50 split of assets. You may be both shocked and pleasantly surprised when you see what your husbands is actually worth... Go for it... Don't end up looking back in your old age at a wasted, miserable existence when you can take the initiative now and start afresh.

Feel for you ....except here boot is on other foot ! OH loves to spend ...everything ..on whatever he sees ...I have largely managed to stop this as I now control all the income and outgoings for both of us ...he still demands to buy things, so I produce every month a sheet of where the money has gone. He hates me ! He has always (apart from when we first met and married 16 years ago) been a control freak ...AFTER we married his mother and sister and daughter told me all about his previous history ...I felt sorry for him as he told me that his life with his late wife had been wonderful ( 42 years married when she died ...he is 15 years older than me ),,,however, I then learnt the whole story of his alcohol abuse (I found a number for a key worker of AA support for families in his phone book ! I asked his daughter (he had said it was his late wife 'for a friend') but she said yes mother joined them for support ! People who knew him are surprised we are still together but I am tenacious, and also trying to build up enough to escape ! Not sure where, as we live in France and have no family or friends in the UK ...if I returned, unless I could afford to survive on my little DWP pension and a very very small NHS onem along with my few savings, because I have been out of the country for two years or more (16 years in my case) I would not be entitled to any help whatever,,,,,I also enquired about renting but was told by most agencies that I would need landlord references (haven't rented since I was a student over 50 years ago !) and a UK bank account ....my OH has one, on which I am also joint account holder ...but dangerous to leave my name on that as he would run up debts which I woul be liable for and I have not enough income required to open a separate one in my name .......

So for women like us ....what do we do ? It would seem from reading the papers that all the women's refuges in the UK are full to capacity (says somethind doesn't it !)......just have no idea where to go from here !! My life is going (I am 70) and I cannot let myself think of the next few years living like this ......so I understand exactly where you are coming from, and in your case I would contact your previous Housing Association where your tenancy record will be known and they should not need new references ....and then a solicitor or Citizen's Advice bureau, as, living in the UK you should be (not sure of present rules, bearing in mind the universal credit row !) entitled to some housing benefit and other benefits ....as to your debts, I can understand you have had to use your credit card to buy food ....from now on, buy your lunch out and no food for the house apart from say bread, butter and milk ....when he asks why there is nothing to eat, explain that he is worried about your debts and so you will not be using your money in future to buy food, He may just decide to buy his own but at least you will have got your message across, Household bills the same ...you could say 'I will pay half'.....sad situation and sad that so many of us are in this situation nowadays ! Gone are the days when we should have to grin and bear it ! bon courage !

I strongly agree with Vampirequeen. Leave. As fast as you can. This man is clearly not good for your mental health or self esteem. The situation smells very strongly, to me, of entrapment. If you can get help and support from a Women’s Aid outreach worker during the transition you might find it helps as they will be able to help you with advice and information. It might be worth a chat with CAB too, and you can have a free first half hour with a solicitor through them.

I agree with M0nica. I am also married for a second time, I am aware that we inevitably bring old histories with us. These points of sensitivity do not always become apparent early on.

Both DH and I were 'injured' parties in our first marriages. There have been times when I think we have both reacted / shown insecurities because of previous hurts.

How anyone manages their money is one of the big potential stress points and if we have been left in a bad place by a partner financially in the past, it does make us very cautious going forward.

It seems significant that your DH has married a second person who finds it difficult to manage their finances. If you are able to get debt advice / support, it could be very reassuring to you both. You seem to have a foundation of love to draw on and I hope you can find a positive way forward together.

While, I think the OP's husband is behaving badly, I suspect he sees history repeating itself. A man who likes to be beforehand with the world and hates debt has had one marriage break up over his wife's debt, he may well have had his own credit rating suffer because of this and may have used his savings to resolve the situation, He remarries and sees the same scenario playing out all over again. He is probably terrified that his second marriage will breakdown the same way his first did.

I also thinks OP hasn't really appreciated how deeply affected he may have been by his first wife's indebtedness and how her repeating this pattern may be damaging his mental health and making him so obsessive over money.

I think you both need to seek counseling. You do not say why you got into debt, nor how much your debts are. Nor do you say why your husband is so obsessed with never spending money, apart from his second marriage repeating the pattern of his first

I had an uncle who was obsessively careful with money, this arose because he grew up in extreme poverty during the depression and where his father had the threat of being sacked held over him constantly by his employer, which damaged his mental health for life. My uncle was determined to have enough money behind him so that as soon as he could he would never be in thrall to an employer the way his father had been.

So sorry, Goldie! Idk whether to think your h is ill or that he pulled a major "bait & switch" on you, acting one way before marriage and another after.

Imo, you've gotten some very good advice here, especially from vampirequeen. Glad you're giving it some thought. I hope you go further to follow it.

Bravo, vampirequeen!