Husbands

I didn’t want to read and run. Sorry for the situation you find yourself in.
Have you contacted Women’s Aid or had a free consultation with a solicitor? What is happening to you is financial abuse! Maybe the ex wife ran up debts due to a similar situation.
If you divorced you would get a portion of the marital assets, but you might have to wait some time.
Can you not turn to your adult children for help?
Hope you find a good resolution.

Oh dear. I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

People can and do change and it looks like the honeymoon period has definitely ended after four years of marriage.

Seems like you put all your eggs in one basket when you gave up your former life to join forces with the man you loved.

I get the feeling the credit card issue and your getting into debt might be the stumbling block to a man who had to get his last family out of a similar situation. Now you hate your workplace and that must be bringing you down too.

I am not sure what to suggest except talking.

Isn't happiness our goal when we form a new relationship? Talk to your husband about your misery and see if together you can both walk your way back to the happiness you once had. It's a young relationship. It might mean working until you repay what you spent but then giving up work could be your end goal perhaps, with his support and you could start afresh?

I do hope you can sort this out and your husband becomes more supportive.

You're being abused. Your husband, like most abusers started off lovely then changed over time. If they were controlling from Day 1 we’d immediately shy away from them.

At first an abuser's demands sound reasonable and so you agree. Hence you gave up your flat and moved to his house because he likes his garden. Then you get rid of your furniture because it seems silly to hang on to it and anyway you have nowhere to put it. Now you have no bolt hole or means of furnishing a new one. You are now in the trap. Over time he will increase the pressure on you until you lose yourself which happened when you started using your credit card for food etc. He will have known the debts were running up but that didn't matter because you would feel like a failure. Part of an abuser's system is to make you feel like everything is your fault and make excuses for his behaviour. I can tell he's succeeded on both counts. Firstly you feel guilty about being in debt. Secondly you excuse him from helping you on the grounds that his first wife ran up debts. Was she in the same position as you? Did her debts arise because she was trying to make ends meet or was made to feel guilty about him not being able to afford to keep her?

You got a full time job and he persuaded you to turn it down. Ask yourself why? He said it was because he worried about your health but more likely he knew that if you worked full time then you might be able to afford to leave him. Keeping you in part time work keeps you reliant on him and helps him control you.

Having escaped from such a man I can only encourage you to run and keep running. But before you run you must plan your escape. You must have somewhere to go because if you have to go back you will never escape again. He will have won.

Don't worry about the debts. When I escaped I took £30K of debt with me. There was no way I could keep up the payments so I contacted the creditors. I sent them details of my income and expenditure and offered them £1 per month each. Every one accepted and I've been paying each £1 per month for years. They check every six months or so that your circumstances haven't changed then simply renew the agreements. Some of my debts will never be paid off but the creditors are happy to get anything back.

You're only 56. You have decades of life ahead of you. Break away and build a life that makes you happy.

Dear J52, I havent looked at it as financial abuse and no I havent contacted a solicitor or even womans aid. Ive always tried to solve my own problems and with going through one divorce sort of buried my head in the sand and hoped things would get better.

Dear Day6, yes I did put all my eggs in one basket when I met this man because he was so different from my ex husband.
I have tried to talk but my husband gets very edgy and doesnt see why we need joint accounts. I havent even got my name on any household bills or house agreement because we were going to do that once we married and now he doesnt want to change at all.
I know, very stupid of me getting in this mess, but I was too trusting as this man had bought me so much till we moved in together.
On our last anniversary he even had a conversation about saving more money when watching Eat well for less.

My grown up children cant really help me as they are all in house shares or small flats.

I shall take comments on board and try and talk again.

Thank you for your help.

I agree with vampirequeen!

vampire what an inspiring post I do hope Goldie11 takes on board all your comments also I do hope she will contact the Housing Association she was previously with and enquire about Supported Housing with her being over 55,it does not mean she has to class herself as dependant on a support visitor but just allocated a one bedroomed flat in one of their developments,Golde you will surely have good references with them and it would save you finding a large deposit for a private rental,you need to be rid of this man all he wants is an unpaid housekeeper and he will keep pulling you further down as time goes by,tuck away any money you can even the smallest amount it all adds up and when you do leave do not look back for a single second.I bet his first wife now lives peacefully with him out of the picture.Best of luck keep us updated as to how you get on.

I have taken on board all comments and I am going to stay strong. I have began by asking my boss for extra work (for now while I still have it.) I shall contact my housing association too as suggested. By my maths it will take me 3 years to pay off my debts and I am counting.

Great post, VampireQueen!

Great post Vampirequeen. I have been through the same and you have said everything that needs to be said. I was very ill with M.E. and when I started to get better, I had to pretend I wasn't, otherwise he would create some terrible scene in order to give me a relapse. I had 2 teenage children from my previous marriage so I also had to consider them. Eventually I got away. Goldie11 you can do it! My heart goes out to you and I wish you all the very best.

Terrific post vampirequeen. I take my hat off to you. It must have taken a lot of strength, and I do hope Goldie11 is able to find similar resources within herself.

Vamp bloody brilliant post, and so true.

Well done Vampirequeen it's not easy by a long shot, but the alternative is worse.
Goldie
I very much hope you have taken everything on board that VQ said. I haven't been in this situation but a dear friend and a family member has. Believe us they don't change they get worse.
Your still a young woman. Don't waste any more of your life on this control freak.
Obviously you don't want to divulge what your credit dept is, but, as an example my friend had run up £12,000 ( she is on a pension) I negotiated her payment to £5 a month.
Some how you have to try and get the deposit together for a small flat. Try not to worry too much about what you will put in it, that will come, people are very kind and rally round. I wish you well.

vampirequeen A really good post. Very brave.

So sorry, Goldie! Idk whether to think your h is ill or that he pulled a major "bait & switch" on you, acting one way before marriage and another after.

Imo, you've gotten some very good advice here, especially from vampirequeen. Glad you're giving it some thought. I hope you go further to follow it.

Bravo, vampirequeen!

While, I think the OP's husband is behaving badly, I suspect he sees history repeating itself. A man who likes to be beforehand with the world and hates debt has had one marriage break up over his wife's debt, he may well have had his own credit rating suffer because of this and may have used his savings to resolve the situation, He remarries and sees the same scenario playing out all over again. He is probably terrified that his second marriage will breakdown the same way his first did.

I also thinks OP hasn't really appreciated how deeply affected he may have been by his first wife's indebtedness and how her repeating this pattern may be damaging his mental health and making him so obsessive over money.

I think you both need to seek counseling. You do not say why you got into debt, nor how much your debts are. Nor do you say why your husband is so obsessed with never spending money, apart from his second marriage repeating the pattern of his first

I had an uncle who was obsessively careful with money, this arose because he grew up in extreme poverty during the depression and where his father had the threat of being sacked held over him constantly by his employer, which damaged his mental health for life. My uncle was determined to have enough money behind him so that as soon as he could he would never be in thrall to an employer the way his father had been.

I agree with M0nica. I am also married for a second time, I am aware that we inevitably bring old histories with us. These points of sensitivity do not always become apparent early on.

Both DH and I were 'injured' parties in our first marriages. There have been times when I think we have both reacted / shown insecurities because of previous hurts.

How anyone manages their money is one of the big potential stress points and if we have been left in a bad place by a partner financially in the past, it does make us very cautious going forward.

It seems significant that your DH has married a second person who finds it difficult to manage their finances. If you are able to get debt advice / support, it could be very reassuring to you both. You seem to have a foundation of love to draw on and I hope you can find a positive way forward together.

I strongly agree with Vampirequeen. Leave. As fast as you can. This man is clearly not good for your mental health or self esteem. The situation smells very strongly, to me, of entrapment. If you can get help and support from a Women’s Aid outreach worker during the transition you might find it helps as they will be able to help you with advice and information. It might be worth a chat with CAB too, and you can have a free first half hour with a solicitor through them.

Feel for you ....except here boot is on other foot ! OH loves to spend ...everything ..on whatever he sees ...I have largely managed to stop this as I now control all the income and outgoings for both of us ...he still demands to buy things, so I produce every month a sheet of where the money has gone. He hates me ! He has always (apart from when we first met and married 16 years ago) been a control freak ...AFTER we married his mother and sister and daughter told me all about his previous history ...I felt sorry for him as he told me that his life with his late wife had been wonderful ( 42 years married when she died ...he is 15 years older than me ),,,however, I then learnt the whole story of his alcohol abuse (I found a number for a key worker of AA support for families in his phone book ! I asked his daughter (he had said it was his late wife 'for a friend') but she said yes mother joined them for support ! People who knew him are surprised we are still together but I am tenacious, and also trying to build up enough to escape ! Not sure where, as we live in France and have no family or friends in the UK ...if I returned, unless I could afford to survive on my little DWP pension and a very very small NHS onem along with my few savings, because I have been out of the country for two years or more (16 years in my case) I would not be entitled to any help whatever,,,,,I also enquired about renting but was told by most agencies that I would need landlord references (haven't rented since I was a student over 50 years ago !) and a UK bank account ....my OH has one, on which I am also joint account holder ...but dangerous to leave my name on that as he would run up debts which I woul be liable for and I have not enough income required to open a separate one in my name .......

So for women like us ....what do we do ? It would seem from reading the papers that all the women's refuges in the UK are full to capacity (says somethind doesn't it !)......just have no idea where to go from here !! My life is going (I am 70) and I cannot let myself think of the next few years living like this ......so I understand exactly where you are coming from, and in your case I would contact your previous Housing Association where your tenancy record will be known and they should not need new references ....and then a solicitor or Citizen's Advice bureau, as, living in the UK you should be (not sure of present rules, bearing in mind the universal credit row !) entitled to some housing benefit and other benefits ....as to your debts, I can understand you have had to use your credit card to buy food ....from now on, buy your lunch out and no food for the house apart from say bread, butter and milk ....when he asks why there is nothing to eat, explain that he is worried about your debts and so you will not be using your money in future to buy food, He may just decide to buy his own but at least you will have got your message across, Household bills the same ...you could say 'I will pay half'.....sad situation and sad that so many of us are in this situation nowadays ! Gone are the days when we should have to grin and bear it ! bon courage !

Oh dear. Sorry, but what you are experiencing amounts to both emotional and financial abuse. Your husband is far more interested in you as a source of income than as a true partner in life. The chances of him changing now are minimal, and even if he did, would you trust in the change lasting long term? The advice given by Vampire Queen is absolutely spot on, and I can add nothing to it. In your position, I'd divorce and go for a clean break with a 50/50 split of assets. You may be both shocked and pleasantly surprised when you see what your husbands is actually worth... Go for it... Don't end up looking back in your old age at a wasted, miserable existence when you can take the initiative now and start afresh.

He does some housework and has encouraged you to work less to protect your health, doesn't sound like a monster, more like a man worrying about money.

Sort you own debts out there are new debt orders available for this DRO I think they are called look on Gov.com web site.

If you worked less, maybe you could decorate the house, paint is cheap enough, second hand stuff on freecycle can be very useful.

When you moved in with him you must have refered his furniture to your own, or you would have kept yours. You did love / do love him. Money would appear to be the issue then, he has suffered from a profligate wife before and that prospect seems to worry him, as well it might.

One person wanting to be more frugal than the other isn't really abuse is it? It could so easily be argued the other way that he works hard and is abused by a wife who runs up debts.

Time to resolve the finances between the two of you..... but for you especially, to see what debt help is out there for you, whether you stay or go you will need that.

I understand there are a variety of debt charities out there who can support you -https://www.stepchange.org/
At least it would be one aspect off your mind while you consider making other changes to your life. Good luck!

Only you know deep down if you would be happier with or without him. If you divorced you would get some of his assets but 5 years marriage seems to be when assets shared equally. Go to cab and seek advice. Your health is important so look after yourself.

You're not alone in this situation so don't blame yourself or think that it's unique. Start having face-to-face conversations with loyal friends and family but don't expect them to tell you what to do. This is your decision and your life.
I'm a retired family lawyer & have seen the damage done by selfishness and its attendant misery.
Take one step at a time and you have already taken the first with this conversation.
I suspect that you know that you will have to leave: it's just a question of when. Who holds the tenancy of your home ? Can you check out the cost of available bolt-holes ? Would you be happier in somewhere small for a while ?
Imagine life in 20 years time.......do you want to look back and find you've waited all those years.
No one is happy all the time - that's just a media myth - but your situation sounds like classic abuse and you need all your skills of self-preservation.
Be brave and move forward.

He has everything his way. It is a shame that you didn't take the new job but I understand that as I have allowed myself to be coerced into bad decisions. The problem is that while you are with him you are not going to be strong enough to deal with the other problems because he is bringing you own.
Aside from the security, do you gain anything from this relationship?
I agree with the comments others have made. Speak to Womens Aid or a similar organisation. You need to talk through the whole situation. Hopefully you will be eligible for a council flat yourself which seems likely as you were in a housing association before but you do have to push a bit nowadays as they try to keep their lists down. Don't rush yourself into decisions but start taking it step by step in the right direction.
If you get offered another job, accept it and then present it to your husband as a fait accompli.