Husbands

vampirequeen A really good post. Very brave.

Well done Vampirequeen it's not easy by a long shot, but the alternative is worse.
Goldie
I very much hope you have taken everything on board that VQ said. I haven't been in this situation but a dear friend and a family member has. Believe us they don't change they get worse.
Your still a young woman. Don't waste any more of your life on this control freak.
Obviously you don't want to divulge what your credit dept is, but, as an example my friend had run up £12,000 ( she is on a pension) I negotiated her payment to £5 a month.
Some how you have to try and get the deposit together for a small flat. Try not to worry too much about what you will put in it, that will come, people are very kind and rally round. I wish you well.

Vamp bloody brilliant post, and so true.

Terrific post vampirequeen. I take my hat off to you. It must have taken a lot of strength, and I do hope Goldie11 is able to find similar resources within herself.

Great post Vampirequeen. I have been through the same and you have said everything that needs to be said. I was very ill with M.E. and when I started to get better, I had to pretend I wasn't, otherwise he would create some terrible scene in order to give me a relapse. I had 2 teenage children from my previous marriage so I also had to consider them. Eventually I got away. Goldie11 you can do it! My heart goes out to you and I wish you all the very best.

Great post, VampireQueen!

I have taken on board all comments and I am going to stay strong. I have began by asking my boss for extra work (for now while I still have it.) I shall contact my housing association too as suggested. By my maths it will take me 3 years to pay off my debts and I am counting.

vampire what an inspiring post I do hope Goldie11 takes on board all your comments also I do hope she will contact the Housing Association she was previously with and enquire about Supported Housing with her being over 55,it does not mean she has to class herself as dependant on a support visitor but just allocated a one bedroomed flat in one of their developments,Golde you will surely have good references with them and it would save you finding a large deposit for a private rental,you need to be rid of this man all he wants is an unpaid housekeeper and he will keep pulling you further down as time goes by,tuck away any money you can even the smallest amount it all adds up and when you do leave do not look back for a single second.I bet his first wife now lives peacefully with him out of the picture.Best of luck keep us updated as to how you get on.

I agree with vampirequeen!

Dear J52, I havent looked at it as financial abuse and no I havent contacted a solicitor or even womans aid. Ive always tried to solve my own problems and with going through one divorce sort of buried my head in the sand and hoped things would get better.

Dear Day6, yes I did put all my eggs in one basket when I met this man because he was so different from my ex husband.
I have tried to talk but my husband gets very edgy and doesnt see why we need joint accounts. I havent even got my name on any household bills or house agreement because we were going to do that once we married and now he doesnt want to change at all.
I know, very stupid of me getting in this mess, but I was too trusting as this man had bought me so much till we moved in together.
On our last anniversary he even had a conversation about saving more money when watching Eat well for less.

My grown up children cant really help me as they are all in house shares or small flats.

I shall take comments on board and try and talk again.

Thank you for your help.

You're being abused. Your husband, like most abusers started off lovely then changed over time. If they were controlling from Day 1 we’d immediately shy away from them.

At first an abuser's demands sound reasonable and so you agree. Hence you gave up your flat and moved to his house because he likes his garden. Then you get rid of your furniture because it seems silly to hang on to it and anyway you have nowhere to put it. Now you have no bolt hole or means of furnishing a new one. You are now in the trap. Over time he will increase the pressure on you until you lose yourself which happened when you started using your credit card for food etc. He will have known the debts were running up but that didn't matter because you would feel like a failure. Part of an abuser's system is to make you feel like everything is your fault and make excuses for his behaviour. I can tell he's succeeded on both counts. Firstly you feel guilty about being in debt. Secondly you excuse him from helping you on the grounds that his first wife ran up debts. Was she in the same position as you? Did her debts arise because she was trying to make ends meet or was made to feel guilty about him not being able to afford to keep her?

You got a full time job and he persuaded you to turn it down. Ask yourself why? He said it was because he worried about your health but more likely he knew that if you worked full time then you might be able to afford to leave him. Keeping you in part time work keeps you reliant on him and helps him control you.

Having escaped from such a man I can only encourage you to run and keep running. But before you run you must plan your escape. You must have somewhere to go because if you have to go back you will never escape again. He will have won.

Don't worry about the debts. When I escaped I took £30K of debt with me. There was no way I could keep up the payments so I contacted the creditors. I sent them details of my income and expenditure and offered them £1 per month each. Every one accepted and I've been paying each £1 per month for years. They check every six months or so that your circumstances haven't changed then simply renew the agreements. Some of my debts will never be paid off but the creditors are happy to get anything back.

You're only 56. You have decades of life ahead of you. Break away and build a life that makes you happy.

Oh dear. I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

People can and do change and it looks like the honeymoon period has definitely ended after four years of marriage.

Seems like you put all your eggs in one basket when you gave up your former life to join forces with the man you loved.

I get the feeling the credit card issue and your getting into debt might be the stumbling block to a man who had to get his last family out of a similar situation. Now you hate your workplace and that must be bringing you down too.

I am not sure what to suggest except talking.

Isn't happiness our goal when we form a new relationship? Talk to your husband about your misery and see if together you can both walk your way back to the happiness you once had. It's a young relationship. It might mean working until you repay what you spent but then giving up work could be your end goal perhaps, with his support and you could start afresh?

I do hope you can sort this out and your husband becomes more supportive.

I didn’t want to read and run. Sorry for the situation you find yourself in.
Have you contacted Women’s Aid or had a free consultation with a solicitor? What is happening to you is financial abuse! Maybe the ex wife ran up debts due to a similar situation.
If you divorced you would get a portion of the marital assets, but you might have to wait some time.
Can you not turn to your adult children for help?
Hope you find a good resolution.