Husbands

This is great question about the husband, if you worked less, maybe you could decorate the house paint is cheap enough, second hand stuff on free-cycle can be very useful.

If you have never had the misfortune to be in debt, you are extremely fortunate. It is not until you are that you realise how difficult it is to improve the situation but it can be done.
Rule 1 don't panic
Rule 2 seek advice from citizens advice.
Rule 3 talk to your creditors offer them £5 or £10 to play for time.
Rule 4 are there assets you could sell on eBay?
Rule5 can you increase your income?.
Most important ask for help.

I agree too! Some people don’t read posts properly.

I agree. Cheek of it!

vampirequeen I thought your post was a very good analysis of what has been happening to Goldie11. Very good advice for her. Don't take any notice of the negative post from quizqueen, you do not have to justify yourself to someone like that.

I can't help thinking that you were quick to accuse me, Quizqueen, but not so quick to respond when challenged.

Quizqueen....firstly I wasn't boasting about running up such a debt. I was showing how financial and emotional abuse can make you do things you wouldn't normally do. Why am I in so much debt? Well my ex-husband would run up debts on credit cards. I was the only one working and he would persuade me that it was a good idea to take out a loan to pay off the debts because the interest would be so much lower. I would take out the loan and pay off the card. He would cut up the offending card but a few weeks later apply for another from a different company. Of course he had a brilliant credit rating so they always agreed. If you have to wonder why I fell for this so often then you are fortunate enough to never have been a victim of financial and emotional abuse. By the time my ex had finished working on me I was so under control that if he'd said that black was white I would have agreed. Secondly I pay £1 each month to all of my creditors. You may think this isn't enough but they do. In fact, after looking at my income and expenditure evidence, several of them have queried whether I can actually afford £1. When I took out the loans I was in a good job earning good money and could pay the amounts required. Since then, through no fault of my own, I became seriously ill and had to take ill health retirement. Needless to say my income plummeted hence I pay such a reduced amount. It would have been easy for me to accept the creditor’s offers and made no payments but I feel that I need to pay something even if it is only a token amount.

quizqueen, ouch!! that is very harsh comment especially when you don't know the full circumstances of why others get into debt. Fortunately I have never been in debt however, I admire those who are open and honest and trying to do the right thing.

Goldie11 Good luck in your final decision.
No one on Gransnet can tell you what you ought to do. I think you already know what your next step should be...

Sincere Best wishes
My prayers are with you.

I don't think you've read what was said correctly. She is paying back what's owed.

To comment on here, vampirequeen, about having run up £30,000 of debt and boast about never having to pay it back is pretty despicable behaviour in my book so I don't understand why people are saying your advice is good. Why should the companies/people you owe money to not expect to be paid back!

I agree with vampire queen. Run.... And keep running.

There are some posts on here who are not reading the previous posts before they give their opinion.
The OP was NOT in debt before she married. Her debt has been caused by her mean abusive second husband.
Please don't tell him you intend to leave OP, mean as it is to do such a thing, he will go for your jugular.

Be very careful about telling him you're going to leave. He will start to convince you that you won't be able to cope on your own even though you coped perfectly well before you married him. Spending money rashly can be a symptom of being depressed. Buying something new gives you a quick rush of pleasure but this soon fades and you need another fix. If this is what happened do not let him blame you and do not blame yourself. Depression leads you to act in ways you wouldn't normally act. It actually affects the way you think and can make you more prone to risk taking (hence my Jezebel period lol). You're dealing with the issues because you said you're on a payment plan.

Escaping is the best thing I ever did. I had nothing but the house I was renting. I slept on a mattress on the floor but I slept easy.

I wholeheartedly agree with vampire queen. This man is controlling your life so don’t waste the rest of your life in misery. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck x

I imagine your husband probably feels a bit let down. His ex wife ran up debts and here you are , doing exactly the same. Naturally he doesn't want a joint account, why would he? He doesn't want to see his balance or his credit rating drop does he? As far as he's concerned you're a nightmare with your own money, he doesn't want your claws on his. Did he pay off her debts? If he did he certainly won't want to do it again. He doesn't want to spend out on the house, even though he earns three times as much as you. Of course he doesn't. Out of his salary he pays all the main bills, he's told you he can't afford to keep you as well. He probably can't, and feels he needs to keep something in reserve against the time you either chuck your job in or go off the financial rails again. At the same time he's concerned that if you took a full time job you might get ill again so he's not pressurising you to earn more money, just to be sensible and service your debts. He helps with the housework a bit. Good on him. He is in full time employment and you are only part time, so why shouldn't you do the lion's share? Basically, you've got to knuckle down and start paying off those debts and show you mean it. My guess is that once he sees you are serious and are doing it with a good grace the atmosphere will lighten. Can't see him ever agreeing to a joint account though.

I feel very sad that you find yourself in this situation. Does he know that you are seriously considering leaving him? If not, you need to make it clear that is the case and that you will only stay if things change. Also be aware that if you divorce, you are entitled to half the assets in the marriage, including any savings, car/s etc, and pensions. It may be that he challenging that due to it being a short marriage, but he probably won’t win that argument since there is nothing to suggest that you married him to get at any money. There are only two grounds for divorce (unless you agree to a ‘no fault’ divorce after 2-years separation if you both agree, 5-years if you don’t), adultary & unreasonable behaviour. You would be divorcing him of the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Once/if you make the decision to leave, I don’t think you need to be fearful about him knowing where you are etc. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour and although he is controlling and withholding, if he has shown no signs of physical aggression yet, I wouldn’t evisage it in the future. Good luck!

My 1st husband was the meanest man that ever walked and still is, so there were many battles over the years. Even his own mum called him Shylock ! My 2nd husband was the opposite, wealthy, but spent every penny we had and more besides. So I am an expert on financial affairs ! I found my strength after divorcing no2 for mental cruelty, and I have never looked back. I worked hard and had a few lucky breaks and now I am flying ! It’s hard to pick yourself up but believe me this man will drag you down if you stay. Where is the love, care and respect that everyone should be able to expect from a partner ? An old wise friend said to me, if a man does not enhance your life, what is the point of him being there, and it’s so true. Yes it will be tough, but do it for you, your happiness is all that matters. My friend contacted a debt consolidation service when she left her ex and they helped her so much. Please let us know how you get on ?

I just wanted to add my voice to those who advise you to leave Goldiell. You can have a fulfilling future! Please make use of the support available, particularly in relation to your financial circumstances. Good luck!

Sorry, I posted before seeing your answer, so you have already done what I suggested. I am so glad. Hope it all works out well

Perhaps you should try first of all to get another job, which you will enjoy more than your present one. You don't mention how many more years you intend to work for, but it is really important to be happy in your work.

While looking for a new job, please do get advice and help regarding your own financial situation. If you find your bank unhelpful, try the citizens' advice bureau; ask them to put you in touch with someone accustomed to helping people get out of debt by contacting your creditors for you and getting reasonable terms for paying off your debts.

Probably when you feel you are making headway both with getting a new job, and please, do take the next one offered irrespective of what your husband thinks about it, as long as you are happy with the prospect, and are beginning to see your way out of debt, the relief will be so great that you can decide, whether you are going to attempt to save your marriage by you both going to counselling, or would rather leave your husband.

I do hope you find a way out of what is clearly an intolerable situation.

Dear gransnet supporters .
I have valued all replies to my post and your comments have made me stronger.
I shall sign my new work contract and keep my job under these terms and still have my income coming in.
I was not in debt when I remarried. I became in debt when my OH kept telling me he had no money and I sadly ended up suffering from ptsd after a year of events when my father died, I was in 2 car crashes. Not my fault I can reveal as I dont drive, as a passenger. I changed jobs which didnt work out but luckily got my old job back. Then along came the menopause when I suffered bad depression and anxiety and my doctors were not very helpful. I also had a bad manager at work who suggested I should be on anti depression drugs. I fought back, with the help of my friends and duaghter.
I shall weigh up my options. Take a job if one comes along that offers more hours/salary and I shall stand on my own two feet once again as I always have.
I became in debt again after using my credit cards to make me feel better when I was depressed and to make sure we had stuff. I did not overly wish to go out of.my way to be in debt. My hours were cut in my current job but I still have to pay out to commute. I did not have the confidence when I was depressed to look for other jobs
I had very low self esteem and because of the way my husband reacted to me thought he didnt love me. So again to make me feel nice I bought myself new clothes and makeup. I am still several thousand pound in debt. I dont use my credit cards and I am paying my debts off already with a payment plan.
I did not go out of my way to get into debt. I have always wanted to work as a partnership with my OH.
His first wife never worked and I always have. She got into 30,000 worth of debt which he had 3 jobs to pay back. I am not his first wife and I never asked my OH for anything. I always help myself. Its only now with my job changing and me having to commute more I have asked for his help, but hes not being supportive. He just says pay off your debts and do what you like. I still pay my way with household bills. I dont live off my husband but maybe would be better off by myself.

I thought Vampirequeen’s post made a lot of sense and she was speaking from experience. There is a lot on here to mull over and I hope you are able to make the right decision for yourself very soon.

Violette....slightly off subject, but noted your concerns about returning to UK to live after being out of the country for 16 years and therefore no benefits.

We lived in Africa for 32 years and despite paying into the UK state pension fund from there, for many years and under the impression we would be entitled to the full UK pension on our return to live here after our retirement, this was not the case as apparently we had not paid in enough years!

However, this worked to our benefit as the government automatically made up the pension shortage to that of what they said we should be getting which in turn opened the door to many other benefits.

My husband at that time was 70. I was further advised that because of his age, he was eligible for housing. This didnt happen overnight but within 3 months we were offered three different types of accommodation and ended up in a one bedroomed flat overlooking fields.

However, 3 yrs later hubby fell seriously ill and again advised to apply for a bungalow as the flat was on the second floor and he was finding it difficult to climb.

For the past 17 yrs we have lived in a lovely 2 bedroomed bungalow, admittedly 3 miles out of town, but luckily I still drive and there is a bus route into two towns.

We came back to UK with nothing - and gradually built ourselves up to the safe financial position we are in but I was only 57 way back then and am now 77. So Violette, bear this in mind and dont leave it for too long as believe you me, old age doesnt come alone and I'm not the woman I was then.

I do not know if there has been any major changes to the offers we had way back in the 90's but maybe some of my experiences will give you an idea as to whom to approach. You wont be left on the streets ......

Contact Age Concern here, they can offer such solid advice.

Good luck.......and VQ - your advice is spot on ......{moon)

Woman's Aid can get you in the back door and help you get rehoused through the council. I know cos I have been there. You are being financially and emotionally abused. There is a way out so please take it. You deserve better than this

Only you know if you want to fight to stay with this relationship or if it would be better to walk away even if that meant getting a full time job so you could pay rent for a place for yourself. Is he paying his ex wife anything - child support or similar? Perhaps that is why he says he has no spare money? As you are unhappy with your job I think you should try to find another one that you enjoy, whether it is full or part time, being miserable at work as well as home is not going to help. I'd look into sorting out your debts as well so that you pay back at a reasonable level you can afford - the Citizen's Advice Bureau has debt counselling services. At the very least you need to talk to your husband about having a joint household account for money for shopping/bills etc - then he can keep his own account and I suggest you keep your own one as well.