AIBU son and daughter rarely visit

Hope you're feeling better and the treatments going well.
I have one son & family 15mins away and they come for Sunday lunch around 3 times a month and we will pop round for a coffee a couple of times a month.
Another son & family couple of hours drive away, we only see them in the school holidays they'll come to stay for a few days or we go to them.
I agree they lead such busy lives.
Have you tried inviting them over perhaps they feel visits might be stressful for you at the moment?

peacelily good luck with your health and the treatment, keep your pecker up stay positive it sounds as if you are getting good medical treatment
It’s it strange how you feel you bring all your kids up the same but some remain closer than others It seems to happen to many
It doesn’t sound as if it’s to do with your illness with your daughter as it doesn’t seem to be a recent blip in the relationship my only reaction is keep trying inviting her for a coffee or a meal, tell her you d love to see her perhaps once a month for a catch up or are you well enough to go to her town for coffee
And don’t take quizqueens advice to leave them out your will that’s spiteful and mean and I d think you re a better person than one seeking revenge
They are both your beautiful children
I hope your son comes to see you and have a lovely time with him however short the visit is xx

Peacelily, so sorry to hear about your health....hope your treatment goes well and you are successfully treated.
I have recently had an operation on my breast and thankfully the biopsy results showed a benign Pappiloma. My older son and his wife have not bothered to visit me... they hardly ring me. My younger DIL has been very good, doing my shopping etc while I was housebound, and I am grateful for that. My daughter has been good as well, but now that I am back to "normal" she doesn't bother. She is good in a crisis situation, but under normal circumstances, she is so detached. I know this sounds awful, but I am so jealous when my neighbour who lives opposite, gets daily visits from all her children. And here am I, on my own. Anyway, I've had a moan but I'm going to get on with it. All the best !!!

Perhaps I should add that we had another brother who died 17 years ago - of lung cancer that spread to the brain. He knew he was sick, but took out an insurance policy that wouldn’t pay out if he reported an illness in 90 days. So he waited to the 91st day before going to the doctor, by which time it was inoperable.
He left a very rich widow (and 3 daughters) 9 months later - so I think my sister and remaining brother are determined not to lose another sibling! And relieved that I’m getting it treated

I wonder if daughters are uncomfortable with Mum’s mortality? I got diagnosed with lung cancer on 14th July, had a small tumour removed from right lung 9th Aug and my entire left lung removed 4th Sept. Today I started adjuvant chemo (i.e. they got all the tumour, just making sure and mopping up as a lymph node nearby - which they also removed - showed signs of spread).

I’ve seen DD once after the first op when we went on a holiday we’d booked back in May with DGS. She was lovely and looked after me, but also stayed out all night a couple of times, which I did not need.

I also saw her when I went down to where she lives (2-3 hours away) for DGS’s 6th birthday less than a month after losing my left lung completely. It took me 3 or 4 days to recover.

She took DGS to IOW for half term rather than come here, and only rings when she wants advice about her work or love life. When I told her about by diagnosis she got very weepy and immediately told all of her friends (I had only told her and one friend at that time, not even my brother and sister). I mentioned to my friend that I thought she needed support and she said “you’ve got lung cancer and she needs support?”

The surprise for me has been my brother and sister, both of whom have been so supportive and wonderful! It’s quite changed our relationship - for the better! And the friends have all been wonderful, of course .

You’re lucky you have a DH, Peacelily, and I guess you just have to accept that daughters don’t always come through when you need them. Wish I had a DH, but am so very grateful for my friends and family

Grampie, missing a question mark is the absolute least of Peacelily"s concerns at the moment. How about giving her a bit of understanding and wishing her well instead? Peacelily, I do so hope you feel better soon. For what it's eorth, I had an elderly relative also diagnosed with cancer of the colon. She went through the op and the chemo, was very low in body and mind for a while. Now, she's back to living and doing. She visits her friends, still drives her car and apart from a few minor illnesses, has kept well. Just take each day at a time and remember, everything does pass and you will get through this. Some families cope with serious illness differently, some are what they are and that's just them. Best wishes ?????????

Perhaps asking them to stay in touch in other ways is a start. Phoning, texting and email perhaps.

It’s true that it can be frightening and confusing when faced with someone undergoing treatment for a serious illness. Some people just find it too much, and when it’s your mother that can be exceptionally difficult.

Sorry to read that you’re going through this physical and emotional trauma.

Use not yousse

You have had a difficult and frightening year, and i hope you are feeling a little better. It is not unreasonable to want to see more of your children. However you youse the word 'expect', and i know this isn't what you want to hear, but yes, I do think you are being unreasonable in expecting to see them more. If it was my mother, I know i would want to spend as much time as i possibly could with her, and i can understand that you might feel very sad not to see them. However I think that telling them that you want to see them might be counter-productive, unless you were asking very gently with the reason for asking - and i am presuming here that you reason is simply because you love and miss them and the illness has given you a sense of how important being with them more often is for you? I hope that you do get to spend more time with your children, and can repair your relationship with your daughter.

Good advice here Peacelily so I just want to send you good wishes and positive thoughts.

I hope you won't be rewarding their hurtful neglect by leaving them any inheritance. I'm sure you can think of more worthy causes to live any money/property etc. to.

Thank you ladies for your very good advice. I knew I could rely on you. I will, and have been, working at a better relationship with my daughter, and I do realise that it's been hard for them too.

Violette - What a brave and courageous lady you are. You have given me the strength and resolve to carry on. Thank you.

Peace lily,so sorry you are going through a bad time. Your children probably think that as you have support you are managing. They are most likely so busy and time does go quickly. I think the advice about making the visit about them very good. Pity you haven't a better relationship with your daughter, is there any chance you can build bridges? I haven't got a relationship with mine at all. I do wish you all the best and I certainly don't think you are unreasonable to want to see your children more, but you only have yo walk in their shoes for a week to see how much they cram in and it is understandable, we usually need them more than they do us, I suppose it is only natural.?

Grampie, I don't think when you are undergoing what PeaceLily is going through that question marks are top of her priority list, so yes, you are being unreasonable!
PeaceLilyP, 2 hours and 40 minutes out of a school day is quite a lot and a fair old drive so perhaps your daughter may find it quite hard to fit in many visits. It would be nice if she could ring you though and I'd be hurt too. Perhaps when you are feeling 100% you could find a way to resolve any unresolved issues with your daughter which make her feel it is hard to be supportive. I guess if you can't do that, you have to be accepting of the situation (perhaps talk it over with a counsellor to find how to do that) and count your blessings your son is a little more understanding.

Sorry to hear you are feeling low after your diagnosis and ongoing treatment ..... colo rectal cancer - been there, done that ....after ten years and two liver secondaries had porta cath removed this year ....so don't give up hope !! My daughter totally disappeared ,,,,the only reason I would like to find her is to suggest she has screening, as I was told it could be heridtary ...but then, so be it ....nothing I can do about it ! I hope you do at least have a supportive husband ....mine told me to stop making it up (!) ....don't think the French health service would have wasted 13,000 euros for three ops, and around 600 a week for the chemo if that were the case .....but then, I am different, I get by since I have mostly always only had me to rely on ...oh, and the McMillan nurse.Cancer UK forums online .......had to laugh, my friend came over to 'help' me when I felt like death warmed up with the bi weekly sessions of chemo .......(she is a retired McMillan nurse) ,,,,,,then she never got up until 10.00, then I got her breakfast, then took her out for the day, came home and cooked dinner .......not, you could say, a lot of help ...... You will look back on this time and discover who your true friends are, and who you can rely on .....hope your treatment goes well ! bon courage

Peacelily - from the fact that your DD will not answer the phone when you ring, I am assuming that there are some previous underlying unresolved problems between you. I am sure that you hoped that the fact of your illness and all that you have been through might help to improve things - it must feel very disappointing that it has not.

Mother/daughter relationships can be funny things - it is often the case that they do not work out as we might wish - that is very common indeed, so do not feel singled out. If your DD has problems in this area, the fact of your having been so ill must be particularly difficult for her to sort out in her mind and her emotions. It is a tangled business an hard for both of you. I do hope that your counsellor can help you to untangle this a bit.

Good luck with all your upcoming chemo - I am helping to support a friend through this at the moment and know how grueling it can feel.

Your message hit "a chord" with me, as my sister-in-law was diagnosed with bowel cancer about a year ago, had an operation and then chemo and I'm wondering if maybe I should have been much more supportive? I didn't like to ask too many questions in case I was seen as being nosey or whatever... but realise that I haven't had any real contact with my brother and sister-in-law and their family in the last 6 months so maybe my lack of questioning has been seen as a lack of interest or worse... that I just don't care? I really do care but I just don't know how to broach the subject with them so that I'm not seen as being a busybody who's being nosey...

No you are not being unreasonable. Times of sickness is when you need family and friends and support. Chemo and cancer treatment is gruelling physically and emotionally. Sometimes today's young people are selfish, possibly they are scared and in denial about how seriously ill you are, or can't cope with your or their emotions. When I went through my cancer treatment 20years ago, my daughter was brilliant, came over straight away and even helped to select my wig, my son on the other hand stayed away. I also think my business as usual approach masked how ill I was to them and it took a frank conversation to make him realise. I got through it and so will you. Communication is key just tell them you need their love and support.

I am sorry you have had to face cancer and hope all goes well. I don't think you are being unreasonable in your desire to see more of your children, unfortunately nowadays it can be a bit unrealistic. We find the grandchildren are busy after school 4/5 days a week and their parents work full-time. We tend to ask them all for a meal occasionally and catch up with phone calls and texts. It is hard when they are so busy and we are perhaps not so busy now. Could you say to your daughter you are not looking for special support so much as a bit of company with her. DevilsDumpling, I know exactly why your mum won't shop on line, she loves going to the shops with you! its an outing and a look at the world.
All the best Peacelily.

Thank you blueberry1

Hopefully64 - Yes I have invited son & family round for dinner and they usually manage to come. Daughter has her own agenda and likes to arrange seeing me when it suits her. However the times I would really like to see them is when I am feeling very down, with not enough energy to make a meal. Actually a phone call from them would be enough to cheer me up at these times. I have told them this.

Nothing to add to the excellent advice given here.Just wanted to say all the best to you for a full recovery x

Have you thought of inviteing them round for meal/ takeaways. Of a birthday treat for grandchildren. Come round to mum/ grandma for a ......

I’m also wondering from what you’ve said, whether they feel a bit as if they need to support you....when they’d rather it was just a case of coming to see you. I think there is a difference-and although we would like the family support sometimes, I’m not sure it’s always forthcoming unless things are even more serious. I guess you may have to put on a brave face at the moment when you see them ....and leave the support for another time. Perhaps if you shift the emphasis to them a bit, when you see them, and not offload too much about your own worries, they may come more often. I’m not saying that this is how it should be, or how we would like it, but younger people these days do seem rather egocentric....and I’m not sure we can change that, sadly.