AIBU son and daughter rarely visit

Your not being unreasonable - but is there a reason or maybe some kind of problem between you all, which would explain why they don't visit? Did you visit them prior to your diagnosis?..
And what have they said now you've asked them outright to visit more?
The young are busy now but not too busy to visit their own mum

Sorry to read about the difficult time you have had Peacelily. No I don't think you are being unreasonable to want to see them more often, could it be that you haven't normally been very close & they haven't fully taken things on board, have you told them you would like to see them on a regular basis, some people do need things spelt out to them, even though we wish they would have realised for themselves, tell them & I hope all continues to go well for you.

Sounds like you have had a difficult and worrying year Peacelily, hope all goes well and the rest of your treatment is successful. You must be hurt and disappointed that you arent seeing much of your children. Are you on your own? Are they particularly busy? Even if they are it would be nice if they made some time to see you and offer support through this time. You have mentioned it, lets hope they realise how upset you are. sending you good wishes for a speedy recovery.

So sorry to hear of your ill health Peacelily . But, if it's any consolation, my son lives @ 25 minutes away and my daughter @5, and I can probably count on the fingers of one hand the number of times they have visited me past year, and that included birthdays and Christmas. I do 'see' them more often than that, but it saddens me that I have a house full of things for the grandchildren to play with but they rarely play with them.

To answer your question, peacelily, you aren't being unreasonable to want to see more of your family and it's understandable you are missing them. I am so sorry you are going through this. Sometimes it's best to spell out what we would like, not expect people to just know, even if they are family. So could you be more specific with them? Be clear about your needs? Maybe suggest specific days. I'm not sure how much you can cope with or if someone shares your home. Could you suggest they come for a coffee, or if you feel up to it offer a sandwich lunch? Even suggest they pick up sandwiches and you will pay for them? I imagine they have been very scared by your illness and perhaps don't know quite how to behave. There's also the question of perception. If asked they may say, and believe, they do visit regularly. If you could be specific but also understanding of life pressures for them I hope you will see more of your family. Wishing you well.

Lots of good advice here. Peacelily you really have been through the mill. I hope you are able to find the words to increase your son and daughter's understanding of your needs and how much it would mean to you to see more of them. xx

Thank you ladies, for your replies. I think you are right about them not realising that I was not coping quite as well as they thought. After reading your replies I got in touch again with my son, and he said he would come to see me next week. I have had a difficult relationship with my daughter over the past 2 years, and she has said she can't support me in the way I would like.. whatever that means, so I must accept that is the way she is. Thanks again for your replies.

I'm so glad your son is going to visit you, peacelily.
We can support you on gransnet too, so please keep posting. Have a good day x

Thank you MissAdventure

It's times like this we realise how family should be but one size doesn't fit all . I have three sons one I'm quite close to and see a lot the eldest is quite busy but does keep in touch and the middle son hardly at all but is always pleasant when we visit he doesn't see anything wrong with this as he works long hours! ( so do his dad and mum ) sending you love and best wishes for a recovery xx

Peacelily, you are not being at all unreasonable. I was the same but now realise how unrealistic I am. This came about by a short spell of childminding for one of them. The amount they cram into a week beggars belief and I now 'know my place' in the grand scheme of things. I can totally understand your greater expectation than mine but the fact is that often we have much more time to spare than them. I didn't work when the children were around therefore my concept of this modern life was sketchy and, I now realise, totally misconceived. Still don't agree with many modern lifestyles but.... that's another discussion altogether. I wish you well with your health. I also wish you well with future offspring visits. It is my opinion that people (I particularly refer to my own children here) will manage to fit in what they really WANT to do. Somewhat sadly, I rest my case.

So sorry to heat that you are having a difficult time Peacelily.
Perhaps you have more time on your hands than you normally would? I find when that happens that I become introspective and negative thoughts can creep in. Yet when I'm leading my normally very busy life I am aware that my family are as busy as I am. Your daughter may be afraid that 'Strong Mum' suddenly isn't, and she has no idea how to step into your shoes.
My solution has been to have absolutely no expectations of my children, then everything is a bonus.

Hello peacelily. As a fellow cancer patient I am really sorry to hear that you have also had problems with your children understanding your needs. It is a very emotional time and, as others have suggested, your children are probably unsure of their own feelings. Talking to them is absolutely the best thing to do. I don't know where you are but I am in Somerset and we have a cancer support organisation that provides counselling for free - it's called We Hear You or WHY - stupid name but it can be helpful. I also have a cancer group in my house once a month and we all have a moan about our side effects, compare notes and chat generally about life. Don't know if there is such a thing in your locality but it really helps to talk to others who understand our problems as well as other gransnetters of course! Do hope you can resolve things with both your children and my very best wishes for your treatment!

You don't say whether your daughter works, has children, has a supportive husband or how far away she lives. Sometimes there just aren't enough hours in the day to be there. Perhaps she is like my daughter who does love me but finds her own anxiety about hospitals and illness tend to mask that sometimes. I used to really get upset about it but I have realised that she can't help the way she is.
I do hope all your treatment goes well and you find strength in your son's understanding.

2 of my adult sons live between 1 and 2 hours away and both have high flying stressful jobs, which I do appreciate having been there, done that and worn the t-shirt ! Don’t like to stereotype but men just aren’t as thoughtful as women, and luckily for me I do have lovely relationships with both daughter in laws. I speak, text and email them all weekly but what I find best is to set actual dates for regular weekend visits with them, and it works out really well. Hope all works out well for you, but do be totally honest with them as to how you feel or they will just think that all’s well ?

Kwest, your final statement is absolutely spot on. I couldn't agree more. You said it so much better than me. Thank you.

Kwest - Yes I do have more time on my hands to sit and think, as I don't have the energy to get out as much as before. I am starting the 8th cycle of chemo tomorrow and finish chemo mid Nov. Am hoping that next year I will be able to get out more and won't feel so needy.

barbaralynne - Thank you. I have a Councellor that I see every 2 weeks, and she suggested I contacted the Helen Rollason Cancer Charity, which I have done. They have free Therapies for cancer patients and I would probably be able to speak to people who are in the same boat as me. I also have a very good Partner who looks after me very well, and a good friend and sister who call and ring to see how I am. I am lucky in that respect.

icanhandthemback - My daughter does not work, and has a supportive husband. She has 2 children, both at school and lives about 1hr 20mins away.

Peacelilly sorry to hear you’re battling cancer. There are a lot of variables that affect family relationships. It was good you could be honest with your adult children and say you’d like to see them more. I’m not saying the following has any similarities with your situation, just giving you a perspective.
I was compelled to reply as at this very moment I’m sat outside my own mothers house. Sat feeling anxious and building up to get the impetus to get out of the car and go to the door. My own mother lives about 20 miles from me. I visit weekly now to take her shopping (refuses to shop online and likes to be taken). My anxiety stems from having a most unpleasant relationship with my mum. I was never ‘mothered’. She always favoured my brother who has sadly died. She always manages to insult me each time I see her. Last week she was goading about how the tables have changed and she’s the skinny one and I’m the fat one. I wonder what it will be this week. She is never ever satisfied with anything I do for her and it will never be enough. I know in my instance the most healthy thing to do would be to go nc. But as a widow, she has no one in her life. Sorry it’s not more positive. I do hope you find peace in your own situation and make a recovery. Take care and never give up hope.

My daughter emails me once a month if I'm lucky, but does not really ask how I am feeling. This is the only contact I have with her, she will not answer the phone when I ring her.

My heart goes out to you and your sad situation. Naturally you would like to see more of your son and daughter, so I hope they both step up to the mark and make time to visit you regularly.
Your story makes me realise how lucky I am.

I am so sorry Peacelily. You have just made me count my blessings once again.
You are certainly not being unreasonable but people are the way they are and I don’t suppose you want to have to pressure your offspring to visit you either. I don’t think I was as helpful as I could have been to my parents when I was bringing up my three but I made up for it during the last twenty years of my mother’s very long life. Perhaps your two just haven’t reached that unselfish stage yet.
I hope all goes well with your treatment ?

YANBU for wishing to see them more often but I wonder if perhaps they're a bit scared of the illness? Cancer can put a wedge between people due to fear.
I hope they visit more often without being prompted.
My best wishes to you.

AIBU

What is this?

This missing question mark is most off-putting.

Am I being unreasonable?