Am I abnormal? Hate being Mum and Granny

Serkeen and humpty. Chris said nothing about being "pressured" by dh. In fact, she said she enjoyed the early years. It's the teen years that turned her off.

Chris, in addition to getting professional help, I agree, too with those who say you need a vacation. Maybe "get away from it all" a few times a year or more? Places where you'll be waited on and have "nothing to do" but relax and have fun. A cruise perhaps. Or a hotel on the beach. Or whatever appeals to you. Think about it.

Sounds like motherhood has just worn you down, maybe with all the fighting over the years and coping alone. Be wary of a Dr visit and being put on pills etc. I think you now need to focus on you, meet with old friends and make new ones and live YOUR life. Make a list of things you like doing, or would like to do and learn to be a bit selfish, you have earned that right. Your family are grown and now making their own life’s etc Do a rota to visit so you are not cutting yourself off, but do it on your terms and don’t let anyone drag you into any disputes as they are draining you. Re Xmas, if your DH is insisting on Xmas at home this year, then let him know that next year it’s your choice.... as your feelings are equally as important.

Don't argue with them unless it directly affects you - perhaps the one at home may argue if told he has to pull his weight a bit more - just say 'that's the way it is, no arguments dear.'.

A dear friend once told me that, after her DD had left university, left home and was working, she would say to her 'Whatever you think, darling' or 'Mmm, that sounds an interesting proposition' and didn't argue with her which she knew would only cause stress.Actually, she used this option even before her DD went off to university and was choosing what career path to take.

It sounds like the line of least resistance but you have to try to sound positive about their choices (even if you're not!).

Chris107
Let off as much steam as you want. You have done a grand job bringing up five children, virtually on your own. I would have fallen by the wayside many years ago were I in your position.Why shouldn't you go away for xmas? and, sorry, but it is unfair of H to expect after all the years of looking after others to not want you to have a xmas elsewhere.Your children are adults they are more than capable of sorting out their own lives and I can understand you are waiting for the day your remaining son at home moves out.
You need a break even if it's only over xmas
Make H understand how you feel. Does he need it in writing ? don't give up, put yourself first.You are more than entitled to after the years of looking after others.

You sound overwhelmed. Five children to bring up, one still at home, and you're working two jobs. I think you need some "me" time. Would it be possible to go away on your own?

Recently I was chatting to a neighbour who has two adult children. She suddenly said "I wish I'd drowned them at birth". I said "you don't mean that" and she said she did. I was taken aback at her saying such a thing. It just shows, not everyone has a wonderful relationship with their children.

Can I suggest you go to your GP and get your blood screened to ensure you haven't got an imbalance which is causing you to feel this way? The lack of absorption of vitamins B12 and D can cause you to feel exactly like this as can the disfunction of the thyroid gland and many of the other chemicals which are in our bloods.
Secondly, anybody who has coped with twins and lots of children, it is draining especially when you are on your own. Beating yourself up about it is only going to make things worse. No doubt you were doing the best you could to parent in difficult circumstances and nobody can ask any more than that of you.
Sometimes being a parent gets you all sorts of abuse from your children which you wouldn't accept from anybody else. We know that abused people often end up with flat emotions because anything else just hurts. The best way to deal with that might be counselling as some anti-depressants can sometime cause your emotions to flatten too.
Finally, if you need anti-depressants, there are loads of different types out there and there will almost definitely be one which would suit you. IF you want things to change, you are the only one who can do that so start with your GP for tests and move forward from there. Good luck.

I think your right in not going down the medication route, read marnies post. It appears you’ve shut down and had enough what about freeing up a few hours a week for you and maybe going out with a friend or a long weekend away or spa day. Small steps to see if something ignites some feelings inside.Maybe when your at home you feel trapped as that’s where all the drama has been over the years.Dont beat yourself up. Good luck.

My first thought was that you are depressed, - really depressed, not just a little bit fed up. So you need to see your doctor as soon as possible, i.m.h.o.
Secondly, I have a theory in life, - and it took me years to realise this, - that some people are better living alone. It's a natural state for some of us I think. How would you feel about completely adapting your life so that you live by yourself? Is it a practical proposition? It doesn't mean you would not see your family, but maybe short visits would be better for you than this hothouse of anxiety that you now seem to be in. It may not be possible just yet, but perhaps a plan for the future. I do wish you all the best.

I think it’s harsh to blame Chris for having 5 children Serkeen one was a set of twins so only four pregnancies and for one the pill failed She did say quite clearly that the childhood years were not too bad and she loved them and they had fun so obviously the children were wanted and all was reasonably normal until they got older Then it’s sounds as if with four boys and a husband away so not contributing to the upbringing, things got beyond her... That’s not her faults she sounds as if she’s done her best and is worn down to a very very low state but that’s as she says the last eight years not the whole of her life She says she had post natal depression after the last ones were born so perhaps that wasn’t dealt with properly

Chris look for some counselling, do try anti depressants again forget the other ones and if you can have a break with or without your husband even a weekend in a B and B with a friend or even by yourself may help to recharge your batteries a little

You are not bad or unusual you are depressed and worn out look after you a little bit and it may well start to feel better
Keep posting xx

Funny enough I didn’t mind the teenage years. I found having two babies harder my husband worked long hours and I never had many friends, we didn’t have Mother’s and baby clubs then it was lonely and hard work don’t regret it loved my babies. My mum was very ill with arthritis and although she was a great nan to my two it was hard for her.
I lost my son at 35 and often think of those early years was I a good mum to him. Don’t beat yourself up about it chris107

Chris107, sounds to me like you need some space. We had 2 sons and they were always bickering. It's very wearing. Parenthood can be tough, especially so with 5 children, four of them boys. Give yourself time. when they've all moved out, just keep in touch and take time out for yourself. It will come right in the end. That's been my experience, anyway. Good Luck!

Four boys, including twins - some people would need a lot of help to get through their growing up, you must be exhausted, but I notice you mention the menopause, you really need to see your GP and get hormone levels checked, also thyroid and discuss possible depression, I know you don't want pills but there are lots of different kinds, you need to book a longer appointment. Counselling could help.

I presume your OH doesn't want to go away for Christmas as he is away all the time, maybe you need to chat over with him if there is any way he could be at home more.

You do come over as very distressed please put yourself first for once.

Chris107 I am not surprised you feel as you do. 5 children is a lot and sounds knackering to be blunt. It's not compulsory to take on the grandchildren. I felt very flat when the first gc came along as somehow I felt she was my responsibility and then felt the same with the second gc.. Step back and give yourself a break. Have a chat with the GP, perhaps a therapist would help you offload your feelings. I did that and it helped enormously... I told her some dreadful thoughts but once they were out in the open it was ok. You are entitled to have a happy life too. Good luck.

I agree with people who are saying that you should see your GP or if your local area has a walk in mental health clinic go there and say that you need to speak to someone. Five teenagers as effectively a single parent is a lot to cope with and you may have been overwhelmed to the extent that you now have a form of PTSD or it could, as you suggest, be depression. Your husband may not be picking up on this. Many partners don't. When I tried to describe what was obviously depression to a previous partner (although I did not recognise it as that at the time) he said 'how is that supposed to make me feel'. I was really shocked that he thought it was about him. You need someone outside the family to talk to and to at least understand your feelings yourself. Don't resist if medication is suggested as that can help but it is important that you speak to someone as well.
Your children should not have to suffer as a result of your feeling but you can't worry about that until you get yourself well as it is just another pressure. It probably took years for you to become this ill and you need to be patient with yourself if it takes time to recover.
Could you go away by yourself for a few days? Maybe to a health spa?

I feel the same Chris107. I can't seem to have an adult relationship with my two children or step children.. Don't see them very often. DD once in over six years. The men maybe once just before xmas. Grandchildren (7) never see. One grandchild we see every couple of weeks but only recently. Hadn't seen her in ten years till this year. I just don't know what feelings are anymore. I am on antidepressants and makes no difference. I feel numb.

You do sound like you have been living with depression of some form for a long time.
I understand how you felt about taking drugs, I hated them when I had PND. Years later I suffered PTSD after a bad accident, this time I had counselling along side initial antidepressants. The counselling went on much longer than the drugs, and was my life saver.

I can absolutely and thoroughly recommend counselling, it can change your life for the better.

Have you considered asking your GP to refer you for counselling instead of taking pills. You say friends dont understand, so counselling could really help. I had it last year with a lively sympathetic lady, and it really made me understand certain things, and I feel so much better. Bringing up kids without support is very very exhausting mental and physically Ive done it, and my boys were particularly hard going. Twins too ! No wonder you feel as you do ! I think you need to give yourself credit for how well you did cope for many years xx

Hi Chris, it definitely seems to me a case of extreme tiredness, stress or maybe slight depression.

I think you need to take a holiday, if the husband is working away or doesn't want to go then try to go away with a good friend or even on your own if you are inclined. Use this time to focus on you, relax, eat out, go for walks, pamper yourself in whatever way suits you.

Hopefully you will return refreshed and maybe with a clearer head. It sounds like your children are all young adults now and they have to make their own decisions in life. Let them get on with things and don't argue with them. It you don't see them as often you may get the feeling back of missing them and wanting to see them again. Arrange short meet ups with them individually on neutral ground, say for a coffee or lunch. Maybe talk about positive things from their childhood like something funny they did as children. Hopefully the bond will comeback for all of you...remember baby steps. Time to stop the control and just let go.

If you do not feel refreshed or see things differently after a holiday then maybe it is time to be referred by your GP.

Seems to me you did a pretty good job coping with all those children.
Make a list of how you could make your life more pleasant.
Take some vit D.
Go out for a walk.
Most of the children have left. Treat yourself.
Make very small changes.
Perhaps book Christmas day dinner out somewhere.
Apart from work what are your interests?
Wish you well.

I think MOnica's post is bang on, you sound mentally exhausted and in need of time to yourself for a while. Antidepressants can be helpful but they need to be in conjunction with counselling. I think I would like some time to myself too, away from all the demands!

Just because others around you want to paint a (fake?) picture of wonderful realtionships in family life, don't feel you should join in. I have family members who play that game and it's depressing.
I don't know if you can build up a relationship with new baby. First GC is a good time to find what family love can be. Doing regular babysitting, or having GD overnight as she develops her own personality and learns to interact with the world may perk you up, and win brownie points with son.
Keep talking. Even the responses you don't want may show a different way of looking at it. Good luck.

Sorry you feel so low and flat, Chris - without trying to sound a bit 'know all' I think you are tired and depressed and could well do with a break at Christmas, a change of scenery, and perhaps a visit to the doctor to see if some counselling or medication might help. It sounds too as if you have had quite a struggle over the years with a big family and not a lot of help due to your circumstances, and this can grind you down over time. When people feel tired and depressed it seems that they focus on the sad things about the past; perhaps there are happier memories that you are just not seeing right now because of how you feel. Be kind to yourself, take some time to rest and indulge if you can with a few simple things like a new hairdo, and maybe have that change of scenery to start you on a happier path. Good luck. x

The OP has not said that her children are unhappy though, Serkeen - just that she is.

And the best plans can go astray and children can arrive unexpectedly!

humptydumpty its not ok to bring a child into the world that you don't want ust because your husband puts u under pressure for another child DH much less important than the unhappiness of an innocent child

And it is not judging, she has asked for our opinions and I gave my opinion as honestly as I could

And this husband certainly should not have pressurised for more children as he was never ever home

Oh you’ve had a hard time bringing them up virtually single handily.Don't be hard on yourself you sound exhausted.Modern medicine is great so I agree with others that a trip to the doctors would be worthwhile to find if it is depression. Can I ask if you have any hobbies,this sounds silly due to the hours you work, but time spent doing what you want does help. I joined a community choir,you don’t have to be able to sing or read music,and the people are so friendly. I made friends and the singing every week really makes me feel good.From joining the choir I started socialising with new friends and it changed my life. Please consider doing something for you and see what a difference it can make. Good luck .