Am I abnormal? Hate being Mum and Granny

What is normal for one person is not for another; so do not beat yourself up.

However, this flatness of emotion can be related to depression, so might be worth discussing with the doc. You would not be posting here if you were not concerned about how you feel; so might be worth bringing it up with GP.

So currently, you only have one son at home but you still want to be out at work all the time?
I think Luckygirl is right I think you need to talk to somebody. The GP is a good start. What was your family life like growing up?
Wishing you all the best. I think you are being very hard on yourself. I found it hard going with just two teenagers and a husband who worked all the time.

Hi Loopyloo I had a wonderful childhood. I have a close relationship with my mum. My dad passed 3 years ago. Sadly my mum loves 200 miles away. I've been away from family support from both sides for 19 years. I love work the girls are great. I have tried talking to friends but they just can't understand it as they all are loving being mums. Sadly my GP is nothing bit useless and suggest pills. I am not up for that at all. At work and when my DH is home I'm fine. But as soon as the kids come round or want to spend time with me I just can't be fussed.

Hi Chris,

FIVE children is a lot to cope with especially when you feel you are a single parent. I am just wondering if you choose to have five children or you just kept going until you got a girl or if you just didn't do enough to prevent it?

Not ALL people are maternal and its not for anyone to suggest you are evil or abnormal. It IS unusual for people who are not maternal to have so many children though. Did you feel it might come at some point?

It IS sad though.

I can't work out IF you want things to be different or if you are happy not being too involved? If its the former then you should maybe seek help from a counsellor? Not always everyone's cup of tea but it would be a start maybe? Trying to understand where the underlying problem started? Interesting that you say you had a wonderful childhood so it wasn't 'learnt behaviour'.

Do you speak to your DH about it? Does he understand how you feel? Are you holding resentment towards HIM for not being there when you needed him?

I don't know why you can't wait for your last son to leave. Does he bring trouble to your door?

Why don't you want to see your GD? Are you fearful you won't feel anything for her either?

So many questions and factors to consider, which only you can address.

I wish you well though and I WOULD go away for Christmas just with DH. Maybe the break will bring clarity?

Chris07, to me you just sound dead tired and, as a result, deeply depressed. In need of a long holiday away from everybody for a month or two.

I understand your desire not to take pills, but there are times when a short course can be helpful. Ask your GP for a referral to a Counsellor, or, of you can afford it, pay to see one yourself.

I think that it is acceptable these days that someone who is not maternal can say that they do not want to have children; however, it was considered 'odd' in the 1960s, 1970s.

I do think that you sound very tired and possibly depressed and that any joie de vivre you may have had has been drained from you by the demands of bringing up 5 children with your DH working away.

Oh Chris you’re as flat as a pancake aren’t you Do you get tearful and upset or just empty and accepting of being empty?
I think the advice to talk to a doctor and hopefully get some counselling is the right advice
I think there s a big difference from being non maternal to actually having no feelings for your children to the point you say ’I don’t even worry about her’
Please get some help and maybe you do need medication even if you don’t want it it s worth a try
Could you go away for a couple of days at Christmas do you have any relatives or friends ?
I do hope you get some help x

Jalima1108 - I would agree with you except OP says her children are in their 20's so not in the 1960's or 70's even Birth control has been around since then also. Hence the reason I asked WHY she chose to have so many children. Not judging, not suggesting she was silly but just wondering..

Just to add it makes no difference as the children are here but may give an insight into how she feels so detached now.

Can you have unresolved PND? Perhaps it can go on for years and, with all the teenage problems, you just feel defeated in the end. The only way to cope with it all is to mentally detach yourself from them.

Thanks Bluegal, have re-read that now and picked up on the fact that they are all in their 20s, which I didn't process at first.

I expect if they're quite troublesome teens, it will take its toll. I was fed up with sight of my daughter at times, in her teens. Tumultuous times.

Ok I had 4 pregnancies one unplanned it was a problem with the pill not working right for me and I had twins.
I was maternal, and I didn't say I don't love them just I don't like being a mum now. As youngsters they were great we had amazing fun but since the teens!! I have lost my bond with them. They where all difficult to be honest and the boys fought tooth and nail through their teen years. My DD and I do have a close relationship but less since GD came along. We all have stuggled as a family since her birth as my DH and I argue a lot with our DS her dad.
I haven't enjoyed parenting for the last 8 years since the twins became teens and it's been downhill since then. I have talked to my GP and I will not take meds I had this for post natal depression after the twins where born and they didn't work as I hated them.
I just wondered if other people had this detachment later in life due to pre menopause maybe and certainly didn't expect a lecture on birth control. Although maybe I should have expected it as people may have misread that I was maternal until I seemed to have lost my way.

Thank you Bluebelle I guess that must be how I feel as flat as a pancake!

Do you enjoy anything in life? Holidays? Nights out with friends? Your working life? Do you like yourself? You are obviously concerned about your lack of emotion / negative emotions towards your family otherwise you wouldn’t be posting on here. As others have said, talking to a counsellor about your feelings / lack of would help you understand the roots of your concerns and maybe find a way of developing more positive emotions towards yourself and others.

Chris107, I am sorry you feel so low. I think it perfectly understandable as as effectively single parent for the most time, to five, most argumentative teenagers, police involved etc. You would have to be superwoman not yo be affected. You must, please, get a break from it all. Get your husband to go with you on holiday away from everything, price will determine where, if he won't go, you go, you can do it alone, I have had to since widowed, get you back, mobile phone switched on hour morning and evening, for emergencies, they can all manage. You cannot go on working all these hours with all these worries pressing you down. It is hard with two parents and two children, sometimes, is it any wonder you are at breaking point, so do something about it. People forget how much they take parents for granted, we just carry on. Of course you love them, but you need a break. Put you first just this once.?

Sorry chris I wasn’t giving any lecture in birth control. Just trying to get a picture. Now you have given more information it is different from your original post.

Does sound more like depression and sheer exhaustion rather than not being maternal or not loving your children.

Agree with others. Please get as much professional help as you can.

Oh dear. Is this a result of people getting married and it was just expected of them to have children? Sounds like you might have been happier if you’d remained childless.

Or are you always like this? Depression perhaps? Brought on by life not being that you thought it would be ......

Does sound like depression as others have said.
On the other hand, your children are now all adult. They are not your responsibility now. Lots of grans on here think they have to spend all their lives on their children & grandchildren, but I don't and I don't see why you should.

I don't think it's any reflection on you as a person that you are feeling like this and you say you had a great bond with your children when they were all young so you obviously love them - perhaps just don't like them very much when they've brought trouble to you. Looking after 5 must be exhausting especially twins and now they're adults you're working such long hours the exhaustion has just carried on. A break is obviously much needed but if your husband won't go could you perhaps go with a friend? As he's worked away for so long it's probably understandable he wants to stay home especially as he also has a new granddaughter. I wouldn't worry too much about the bond with her - this will come in time as you begin to feel better about yourself. You could well be starting with the menopause too so although you don't have much faith in your doctor a visit wouldn't come amiss - you might have an under active thyroid issue too which can cause similar symptoms. Don't beat yourself up - no two people are the same.

There must be many mothers who don't find the teenage years that enjoyable and feel like going to the bottom of the garden and screaming/running away. Enduring the teens five times over must be exhausting, especially if your DH has been away a lot.

As instructed on a plane - put on your own oxygen mask first before you help others.

I don't mean become self-centred - but do give yourself some tlc then you may feel better and able to give more. You say you enjoy work and spend a lot of time there - well, isn't that what a lot of men have done for years? Do you come home to a cooked meal, a tidy house, the laundry done? I am betting not.
Give the one still at home some household chores, get him to pull his weight.

No your not bad or nasty you just do not want motherhood

But what does make u a little not horrid because that is a very harsh word but my only problem with you is WHY did you have so many children when you did not want to be a MUM

its OK to not want to be a mum but not ok to have children regardless of that fact

Now your children have been brought up by a person who really did not want them how wuld you have liked that?

I also think that your husband was selfish leaving you to get on with it alone you should have put your foot down with that one.

Situations sounds bad BUT you can save things

Look upon your now grown children as just human beings that would love you kindness and attention you can do that it is not that difficult

I think you should build some bridges girl because FAMILY is the most important thing

I hope you start feeling better soon

I feel posters should remember that decisions to have children are not solely due to the wife. Before being judgmental maybe we should consider that her DH wanted children so she was under pressure.

Chris107 - You've had a very difficult time bringing up all those boys, almost alone. Boys especially need a man around to take control now and again.
Husband came from a family of 4 boys, always shouting arguing, fighting. Their Dad tended to back them up, and the poor Mum was hardly allowed to open her mouth.
No wonder she died young.
Parenthood isn't always a joy, never easy. So don't blame yourself.