Am I abnormal? Hate being Mum and Granny

I also had twins on my 4th pregnancy. Also fostered, and can so remember when my youngest (an adopted foster son) went into his teens actually saying to myself 'I just cannot do this again!!". These can be such difficult years, and I was also, by then, virtually a lone parent. Of course did get through it. But can understand and sympathise with this lady about her feelings.
I cannot say that I really have loved any of my g.children. Glad they are there, as my children wanted them, but 'love' not really!!
Nothing wrong with that.
50 hours a week working is much too much for anyone, and still running a home for hubbie etc. you must be totally mentally and physically exhausted. This could explain a lot your lack of emotionally ties to anything at present.
You need a good break, and long look at your week-week life. With your children all grown up, now is the time, for you and your husband to start enjoying being a couple again, and you should not worry yourself unduly about your feelings and emotions.
Have often found that those who express most loudly how wonderful everything is in their lives are those with the most problems.

Nothing can truly prepare anyone for life with older children and the teen years can be a hard slog, even when life is running relatively smoothly.

You sound physically and emotionally exhausted, Chris. Despite your earlier post, I think it's worth a visit to a GP, first to rule out any physical stuff like anaemia or thyroid.

Then they can look at your MH. Treatment nowadays can be 'talking' therapy, which could help you untangle the emotions running loose in your family and also give you strategies to help. It's amazing how empowering it can be to be able to defuse the prospect of an argument with a few simple words.

If it comes to medication, times have moved on and doctors also now know that not all tablets suit everyone and it may take some fine-tuning to find the right one.

I hope you're feeling better soon.

Chris - you have my sympathies. It's one thing having a much loved and wanted family and enjoying their childhood. It's very different dealing with your children as teens and adults when their behaviour/lifestyle is not what you hoped for. You can love your children but not like them, or at least not like their behaviour. Counselling would be a help to talk through how you want your life to move forward and hopefully lift your depression.

Serkeen a prime example of not reading the whole thread before posting. Please read the whole thing and then apologise to Chris.

Chris Although I had no complaints about my DDs, (both away at Uni at the time) I reached a point in my late 40's when I spent nights plotting either suicide or a disappearance. I was totally worn out, coping with an extremely stressful, responsible job and 5 out of 6 of our parents/maiden aunts in and out of hospital. I eventually landed up at the GP, who prescribed anti-depressants. I was also unwilling to take them but GP persuaded me to give it a try for the sake of the rest of the family, so I did take them and slowly regained equilibrium - became my old self again. Please give it a try - modern antiDs are wonderful and make such a difference, putting you back in control and able to make choices and sort out problems.

Definitely sounds like you're worn out and depressed. Please don't let your one experience with meds prevent you from getting professional help. You may have been on the wrong meds or the wrong dosage. Perhaps you also need talk therapy.

One thing that might help is if you stop arguing with ds/ the dad. Let him live his life as he chooses, whether you agree or not. He's not a teen anymore, you and dh no longer have to raise him. If he tells you things that bother you, just change the subject. Fewer arguments might lighten your load.

Chris107 - You've had a very difficult time bringing up all those boys, almost alone. Boys especially need a man around to take control now and again.
Husband came from a family of 4 boys, always shouting arguing, fighting. Their Dad tended to back them up, and the poor Mum was hardly allowed to open her mouth.
No wonder she died young.
Parenthood isn't always a joy, never easy. So don't blame yourself.

I feel posters should remember that decisions to have children are not solely due to the wife. Before being judgmental maybe we should consider that her DH wanted children so she was under pressure.

I hope you start feeling better soon

No your not bad or nasty you just do not want motherhood

But what does make u a little not horrid because that is a very harsh word but my only problem with you is WHY did you have so many children when you did not want to be a MUM

its OK to not want to be a mum but not ok to have children regardless of that fact

Now your children have been brought up by a person who really did not want them how wuld you have liked that?

I also think that your husband was selfish leaving you to get on with it alone you should have put your foot down with that one.

Situations sounds bad BUT you can save things

Look upon your now grown children as just human beings that would love you kindness and attention you can do that it is not that difficult

I think you should build some bridges girl because FAMILY is the most important thing

There must be many mothers who don't find the teenage years that enjoyable and feel like going to the bottom of the garden and screaming/running away. Enduring the teens five times over must be exhausting, especially if your DH has been away a lot.

As instructed on a plane - put on your own oxygen mask first before you help others.

I don't mean become self-centred - but do give yourself some tlc then you may feel better and able to give more. You say you enjoy work and spend a lot of time there - well, isn't that what a lot of men have done for years? Do you come home to a cooked meal, a tidy house, the laundry done? I am betting not.
Give the one still at home some household chores, get him to pull his weight.

I don't think it's any reflection on you as a person that you are feeling like this and you say you had a great bond with your children when they were all young so you obviously love them - perhaps just don't like them very much when they've brought trouble to you. Looking after 5 must be exhausting especially twins and now they're adults you're working such long hours the exhaustion has just carried on. A break is obviously much needed but if your husband won't go could you perhaps go with a friend? As he's worked away for so long it's probably understandable he wants to stay home especially as he also has a new granddaughter. I wouldn't worry too much about the bond with her - this will come in time as you begin to feel better about yourself. You could well be starting with the menopause too so although you don't have much faith in your doctor a visit wouldn't come amiss - you might have an under active thyroid issue too which can cause similar symptoms. Don't beat yourself up - no two people are the same.

Does sound like depression as others have said.
On the other hand, your children are now all adult. They are not your responsibility now. Lots of grans on here think they have to spend all their lives on their children & grandchildren, but I don't and I don't see why you should.

Oh dear. Is this a result of people getting married and it was just expected of them to have children? Sounds like you might have been happier if you’d remained childless.

Or are you always like this? Depression perhaps? Brought on by life not being that you thought it would be ......

Sorry chris I wasn’t giving any lecture in birth control. Just trying to get a picture. Now you have given more information it is different from your original post.

Does sound more like depression and sheer exhaustion rather than not being maternal or not loving your children.

Agree with others. Please get as much professional help as you can.

Chris107, I am sorry you feel so low. I think it perfectly understandable as as effectively single parent for the most time, to five, most argumentative teenagers, police involved etc. You would have to be superwoman not yo be affected. You must, please, get a break from it all. Get your husband to go with you on holiday away from everything, price will determine where, if he won't go, you go, you can do it alone, I have had to since widowed, get you back, mobile phone switched on hour morning and evening, for emergencies, they can all manage. You cannot go on working all these hours with all these worries pressing you down. It is hard with two parents and two children, sometimes, is it any wonder you are at breaking point, so do something about it. People forget how much they take parents for granted, we just carry on. Of course you love them, but you need a break. Put you first just this once.?

Do you enjoy anything in life? Holidays? Nights out with friends? Your working life? Do you like yourself? You are obviously concerned about your lack of emotion / negative emotions towards your family otherwise you wouldn’t be posting on here. As others have said, talking to a counsellor about your feelings / lack of would help you understand the roots of your concerns and maybe find a way of developing more positive emotions towards yourself and others.

Thank you Bluebelle I guess that must be how I feel as flat as a pancake!

Ok I had 4 pregnancies one unplanned it was a problem with the pill not working right for me and I had twins.
I was maternal, and I didn't say I don't love them just I don't like being a mum now. As youngsters they were great we had amazing fun but since the teens!! I have lost my bond with them. They where all difficult to be honest and the boys fought tooth and nail through their teen years. My DD and I do have a close relationship but less since GD came along. We all have stuggled as a family since her birth as my DH and I argue a lot with our DS her dad.
I haven't enjoyed parenting for the last 8 years since the twins became teens and it's been downhill since then. I have talked to my GP and I will not take meds I had this for post natal depression after the twins where born and they didn't work as I hated them.
I just wondered if other people had this detachment later in life due to pre menopause maybe and certainly didn't expect a lecture on birth control. Although maybe I should have expected it as people may have misread that I was maternal until I seemed to have lost my way.

I expect if they're quite troublesome teens, it will take its toll. I was fed up with sight of my daughter at times, in her teens. Tumultuous times.

Can you have unresolved PND? Perhaps it can go on for years and, with all the teenage problems, you just feel defeated in the end. The only way to cope with it all is to mentally detach yourself from them.

Thanks Bluegal, have re-read that now and picked up on the fact that they are all in their 20s, which I didn't process at first.

Just to add it makes no difference as the children are here but may give an insight into how she feels so detached now.

Jalima1108 - I would agree with you except OP says her children are in their 20's so not in the 1960's or 70's even Birth control has been around since then also. Hence the reason I asked WHY she chose to have so many children. Not judging, not suggesting she was silly but just wondering..

Oh Chris you’re as flat as a pancake aren’t you Do you get tearful and upset or just empty and accepting of being empty?
I think the advice to talk to a doctor and hopefully get some counselling is the right advice
I think there s a big difference from being non maternal to actually having no feelings for your children to the point you say ’I don’t even worry about her’
Please get some help and maybe you do need medication even if you don’t want it it s worth a try
Could you go away for a couple of days at Christmas do you have any relatives or friends ?
I do hope you get some help x

I think that it is acceptable these days that someone who is not maternal can say that they do not want to have children; however, it was considered 'odd' in the 1960s, 1970s.

I do think that you sound very tired and possibly depressed and that any joie de vivre you may have had has been drained from you by the demands of bringing up 5 children with your DH working away.

Chris07, to me you just sound dead tired and, as a result, deeply depressed. In need of a long holiday away from everybody for a month or two.

I understand your desire not to take pills, but there are times when a short course can be helpful. Ask your GP for a referral to a Counsellor, or, of you can afford it, pay to see one yourself.