Am I abnormal? Hate being Mum and Granny

chris
I'm not a professional but you sound depressed to me and need something more than family in your life to bring the joy back.
Is it absolutely necessary for you to work 50 hours a week?
Is it possible to change your job to something that you look forward to going to every day.
Life can be short try and put something into your life outside the family situation which you are happy about.
Keeping a journal is a good way to get your feelings out, keep it private so the family don't read it.
Do you have friends you can talk to about your situation?
Try if you can talk to your husband about how important it is for you to get away for a few days at Christmas.
Life can be hard I know I lived in poverty all through my childhood and into my early twenties but we can get through the hard times.

Annie, yes, "Life is just strange!" What a good attitude! Try to apply that to your own situation if you can.

Sorry you feel lonely when you come home after work. Can you, perhaps, reach out to friends or family? Chat them up on the phone, "talk" through fb or meet for drinks? How about those 4 siblings of yours? Can you get in touch with any of them when you want someone "to talk or argue with?"

How odd life is at times ? here is me wishing I was able to have had more children -a bigger family as now I am older & widowed I am forever on my own - although I still work full time - but always arrive home to a little apartment - no one to talk or argue with ? but on reading about your life I do wonder who is better off me or you? I myself did come from a large family- I was eldest of 5 - so can identify with family trauma at times lol but then at times I am not sure which is better being alone or surrounded with different members of your family shouting ranting, raving and yes at times laughing & having fun - but having no time for yourself? And - no you are not abnormal or bad or nasty!!! Life is just strange!

Chris No you are not abnormal, just tired out. It could be depression but equally could be lack of vit d3 and minerals. Perhaps your thyroid is not functioning as it should. I fully understand not wanting to go the antidepressant route and would suggest trying St Johns wort. I am all for going the natural organic way if at all possible.
As for feeling the way you do about the GC I totally get that and feel that it is a coping mechanism to prevent yourself getting drawn into yet another caring role.
When our first GC came along the 'other' granny was unbelievably competitive over everything and was absolutely nonplussed when challenging me to dare stop her changing a dirty nappy I just laughed and told her to help herself. I do believe she thinks I am not just abnormal but totally unhinged! I was not well enough to be bothered in fact quite apart from feeling that I have done all that thanks, got the t-shirt etc and don't need it anyway. We are all different and thankfully in our case we rarely have much contact with the 'other' GPs nowadays and funnily enough, in spite of not changing their nappies, we have very good relationships with all the GCs. As my DH says they don't remember having their nappy changed never mind remembering who did it! The world will not stop spinning if you back away from all your caring roles until you feel you know what you want to do in the future so I would recommend that is what you do and change direction completely. Perhaps you need to write out your own 'bucket list' and then go for it! Look after yourself because it seems you are very much taken for granted.

The question is asked in the title. Is she abnormal? The answer seems to be a resounding 'no!'

I am not exactly sure what you are asking?? What has the Dr said. . Is it depression.? Are you just having a rant? I'm confused.

Yes, don't beat yourself up. It takes all sorts to make the world go round. From the sounds of it, you need to get your life back, you've had to bring up the family on "your own" for so long, and as they are all grown up now, its your time to break out. You're not nasty or evil, you are just "worn out" from it all.

chris107
its tough being you -you have done a great job raising those kids .
no wonder you feel depressed -you need time for yourself
dont listen to anybody -you are the greatest!

Yes don’t beat yourself up. I’ve had 5 kids n only close to one the youngest but I feel I don’t really relate to children n especially babies - goodness knows why I had 5. Take each day as it comes n live for the present.

Maddy, my heartfelt sympathies on the loss of 2 of your children.

Glad you enjoy your gc though!

As BB points out, Chris doesn't dislike children. She's just worn out (apparently) from years of parenting (virtually) alone, dealing with teenagers and a generally argumentative family. She doesn't seem to feel any "connection" to her new gd, but that's because of all this plus the fact that she argues "constantly" with the ds who is gd's dad. (She needs to stop fighting with him, imo, but that's an issue in itself.)

Oh Maddy do read the thread it’s so annoying when someone has already been accused of something has answered it fully then the same accusation comes up again
Chis did WANT her children she had four pregnancies one was twins she also had a pregnancy through a failed pill She wanted all her children and they were all perfectly ok throughout their childhood till the last two twins moved into the teenage era then it all started to go downhill and she had troubling times with them all plus an absent father ( through his work) she had post natal depression with the last ( twin) pregnancy and works 50 hours a week

She has never said she doesn’t like children she has expressed the difficulty of managing and liking them when they GOT OLDER

I hope you don't mind me asking Chris107 but do you suffer from depression? I can't understand someone not being interested in their children and grandchildren. Why did you have 5 children, if you don't like them? It seems sad to me that someone like you who doesn't like children had that many when so many people who want them can't even have one. I had 4 babies, one died at 4 months and we lost our eldest at the age of 30. We have 5 grandkids and absolutely adore them. I feel sorry for you.

Many parents in the animal kingdom chase off their children once they become adolescents. I used to look at my children sometimes at that age and wish humans did the same!

Your family sound like, as Ron Weasley would say, a bunch of gits. But then you have boys and a husband so there is probably not so much as one empathy gene between them. Leave then for Christmas and let them work out what the hole in their lives is.

I totally understand this. Mine, and I had only two, fought throughout their lives. Their dad was basically inert, so I had to do both parental roles, as well as work. Luckily, they have both matured and now get on well. And I now enjoy spending time with them. But wouldn’t if they’d carried on the way they were.
Maybe some more time needs to pass for your lot to sort themselves. But I think we parents, having got them to adulthood, are allowed to step back and say it’s up to you now, we’ve done our bit!
Also agree about gps being too keen to hand out antidespressants rather than get to nub of thing. They are also too time pressured. Do you have any spare cash to indulge yourself away from all? A hobby, weekend treat with a friend? Some space and fresh air may help.
Or do a radical and book yourself away for Xmas and leave them to it!
Do hope you find a way through this.

Chris107 one of the problems for our generation is that we are expected to always be caring and nurturing. Our mums and our grans weren't. They might be caring but then again they might not. They expected teenagers to behave and to grow up, if you didn't they were quite capable of putting you out the house. We are trapped into providing for our children and feel guilty if we don't. You have raised 5 children virtually by yourself no wonder you feel numb.Take some time for yourself. You can leave the house for other things beside work you know. Try reducing your work hours and do something for yourself. Join a choir, go for a swim or a Spa session, take up painting. What you do doesn't really matter but don't feel guilty because you are taking time for yourself, your family will benefit. If you begin to care and nourish your self you may find you also able to care for your children. And actually teenagers are impossible to care for sometimes, and they are exhausting. Don't feel guilty you are just emotionally exhausted

Oh Chris, I'm not qualified to give you advice so I'm sorry if I get it wrong. To me you sound as if you have been depressed for a long time. It's not that I think your feelings are wrong or that you're on your own in feeling them - I'm sure there are many who feel this way permanently or temporarily - but it's just the way you sound, exhausted and completely worn out. Others have said not to rule out anti-depressants and I would agree with that, but if you feel that's impossible to contemplate please don't rule out any sort of help. Counselling can help, it really can.
You've brought up you children the best way you could - just like the rest of us. Not one of us, on here or anywhere else, is perfect or has done a perfect job - even if they try to persuade you otherwise! Be kind to yourself - maybe instead of working so hard you could find something you really enjoy doing?
I really hope that you find your way through this and that you'll be able to relax at some time over Christmas.

See the doctor
Take some pills in the short term
Get counselling
Have blood tests
Make a list of all that you have achieved in your life and praise yourself.

The menopause can cause all sorts of emotional upheavals.

You have started a new phase of your life now, leave the past behind. Focus on the future. It is not always easy but you have made a start by coming on here and telling it like it is.

I don't think you are odd or horrible or really hate your children - I had two children and , like you, enjoyed them as babies and growing up. I did find the conflict when they were teenagers very difficult to manage (I had not seen behaviour like that before, certainly my sister and I were not allowed to have teenage tantrums!) and at times I disliked both of them. They still annoy me at times even though my daughter is now 39 and my son 42 - and I am sure I irritate them at times too. I think you have just reached the stage of needing some time for yourself - raising five children is an achievement in itself and you deserve a break. Can you afford to go away now and then and just do something you enjoy? There are groups who look for volunteer helpers and provide food and accommodation in exchange for help www.overseasjobcentre.co.uk/dirvol.shtml has a list of possible placements but there are other sites you can look at. Getting a life of your own outside your family will help you enjoy them again I am sure - just hang on in there

You have got too much on your plate. Husband away, 50 hrs work a week and one son at home with 3 away and daughter at university.

I am sorry your family was argumentative as one tends to think of home as a place to relax and enjoy some joint activities.

Perhaps you and your kids had to share bedrooms and one bathroom with the loo in it etc. Shared space that is really too small can make a family very argumentative.

I think you will find it difficult to see a pathway through your situation by yourself, however it is not easy to afford a counselor and NHS means a very long wait if any. Humans Givens Therpists aim to be brief and focused in their work.
www.hgi.org.uk/find-therapist

I suggest that this year you have Christmas at home as your husband requests and arrange to go on coach trip to a a 2 night hotel party after the new year when the prices are lower. 2 nights away may give you time to think what is important to you and how you are going to turn your life around. I think you need to have time to yourself to find out what you want and then how to work towards those things.

All the best. Emily.

How can it be ok for someone to post their feelings on a forum only to be bullied and beaten by another member? We are all here for support, sharing and advice, NOT to be told by someone (Serkeen) that the problems we are experiencing now are because we didn't do things right some years ago. FFS - we know we weren't perfect. But we are looking for a little support and compassion in the here and now.
And Chris.....you sound plumb tired and bummed out. That's ok. You can figure it out. Be kind to yourself. We are all here just trying to survive. Hugs to you.

I just seen your comment about not wanting to take medication because you didn't get on with what you were given for PND. The anti-depressants used now are much different than those used 20 years ago and don't suit everyone but they don't zonk people out the way the older heavier tablets did. You would probably take a tablet for a headache so don't dismiss them out of hand.
You might need to change your doctor or go back and say that you feel no better. I know it is difficult, I don't necessarily go to a doctor when I should and they certainly vary so far as mental health is concerned but give it at least one more try.

I think the way you are feeling right now might as you say be due to the menopause, at least in part.

I also think those who suggest that you must be tired are right - you are working a heck of a lot. Getting away for a while sounds a really good idea, if not at Christmas, perhaps in the early spring?

Nor do I think you are lacking in maternal love because you are counting the days until a son of 20 moves out. Whether he is working or studying I think it only reasonable that he starts looking for a room or a flat on his own. So suggest to him, that it is time he did so, or at least pay rent (but perhaps he does?)

Sheila, my deepest sympathies on your loss. (((Hugs)))

Marnie, (((hugs))) to you, too. Have you talked to the doctor about the dosage of your medication? If you're feeling "numb," it might actually be working too well.

Have you tried keeping in touch with family by Skype? Maybe you need to focus more on other parts of your life - work, hobbies, friends, etc. Perhaps volunteer for a cause you find important? Focusing on ac and gc you don't get to visit with that much may be bringing you down.

It's the teen years that turned her off.
They're enough to turn anyone off being a mother, especially if you have five squabbling teens, all vying for attention, sibling rivalry, etc etc and one worn-down parent trying to cope.