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Am I abnormal? Hate being Mum and Granny

(24 Posts)
Chris107 Thu 09-Nov-17 18:03:18

For years now I've struggled with my 5 children. Recently in April my GD was born. Initially I felt ok then the usual despair of it all set in. I argue constantly with her dad, my son, in fact I struggle to be a mum to all of my kids. My work friends and friends go on about their GC and Kids but I feel no connection at all. I'm polite but I just don't feel it at all.
We have always been an argumentative family, although I realise that this is mainly due to my bond with my kids. As babies things weren't to bad but as they hit the difficult teens life spiralled out of control. My DH works away and has done for years so the parenting has always fallen down to me. Maybe that is why I struggled as times where hard and it really was a daily slogg. Dealing with 4 fighting boys and DD who was distant. Every day there would be some sort of trouble either with the neighbours kids or the police. Now in their 20's I have less fondness to them and the one who lives at home I just can't wait until he moves out. My DD is at Uni locally but lives more with her boyfriends family and I don't even worry.
I am so wanting to go away for Xmas But DH wants to stay at home. What for I do not know as none of them shall bother. I won't see my GD and I am not bothered. Gosh that sounds horrid!!! But I really can't find the feelings at all. Maybe I'm just depressed? I actually don't know but these days I would rather not be at home. I work two jobs at total of over 50 hours a week just to not be home. They call me Evil and awful maybe I am I actually don't know anymore. Am I abnormal? Am I Bad and Nasty?

Luckygirl Thu 09-Nov-17 18:06:42

What is normal for one person is abnormal for another, so do not beat yourself up.

However the flatness of emotion can be related to depression and other conditions so it might be worth getting checked out at the doc. You would not be posting here if you were not concerned about how you feel, so do mention it to your GP.

Jomarie Thu 09-Nov-17 18:09:42

I agree 100 per cent with Luckygirl's post - please take her advice and talk to someone in the medical profession and be just as honest with them as you have with us.

Stella14 Mon 01-Jan-18 15:13:52

Hi Chris107, we’re all different in how doting we are as mothers/grandmothers. Irrespective of that, you do ‘sound’ rather low. Please be kind to yourself. Go and have a chat with your GP.

NannyTee Mon 01-Jan-18 15:17:21

Yes good advice. You do sound depressed . Be kind to yourself . GP will help

judypark Mon 01-Jan-18 16:22:56

Chris, you are neither evil nor awful. You had a tough time raising your family almost single handed.
I doubt there is a doctor's prescription that can make you love them or your grandchildren more.
You raised your children to the best of your ability, they are now independent and you have now let go of them, a very healthy attitude in my book.
Accept your feelings without guilt, we are not all hard-wired to be gushing OTT grannies.

Christinefrance Mon 01-Jan-18 16:32:32

I agree totally with judypark We are not all wildly maternal, I most certainly am not so don't stress about it Chris. It does sound though as if you have been working really hard and you are now tired and low in mood. Talk to your GP, you may find if helpful to talk with a professional and find some coping strategies. Above all don't get the maternal issue out of proportion, we all feel differently about our families.

Fennel Mon 01-Jan-18 16:55:10

"We are not all wildly maternal," Nor me.
I did enjoy "bringing up" the children, it was good fun. But my main aim was to get them to be independent ASAP.

Scribbles Mon 01-Jan-18 18:45:57

You are certainly not alone, Chris107. Nor are you bad, nasty or abnormal. I don't want to share my own story here but I can relate to everything you say. We're not all born with maternal instincts; we don't always love and bond with our children for myriad reasons; some of us would rather have cats than grandchildren. It's OK - honestly.
Maybe you're feeling low in part because you're working so many hours and you're overtired? Perhaps, well before next Christmas, you need an honest chat with DH and arrange for him to do the family Christmas thing with your grown up offspring, if that is what he wants, while you go off for a spa break or a sunshine holiday with a friend who likes to get away at this time of year?

bugsy555 Mon 01-Jan-18 20:14:39

Chris I disagree with the others and feel your attitude is as normal. Very odd that you seem to get no joy at all from spending time with your children. It isn't something I can understand and was I to think l8ke that I would go see my gp. I'm not trying to get at you with my post but genuinely feel your situation is very sad for yourself and the whole family

bugsy555 Mon 01-Jan-18 20:15:05

... my last post mean5 to say ad-normal

Christinefrance Mon 01-Jan-18 21:54:07

I take issue with 'abnormal' bugsy, to coin a phrase what is 'normal' we are all different and there is no right or wrong here. No two people have the same degree of maternal instinct.

bugsy555 Tue 02-Jan-18 08:57:19

With all due respect Christine you can take issue with the word abnormal all you like. There are many grandparents on here that are desperate for more time with their children and gc whereas Chris doesn't seem to like them very much at all and I think that is not the norm and this abnormal. She hasn't said they are, but if her children are awful people in some way then I could maybe understand her attitude but it seems that the problem lies with her not them.

IngeJones Tue 02-Jan-18 09:36:11

Chris107, how do or did you feel towards your own mother? Best friend? Husband? This may not be a parenting issue at all you may simply have a reduced affect as part of your basic character. My psychotherapist used to say to me I was recounting even quite difficult events as if they had happened to someone else and I had no emotion about them. But I didn't. My mother used to call me "cold". Fortunately my husband (4th time lucky) is also emotionally reduced, and my daughter who has normal emotions is brilliant and accepts a very wide range of people for who they are so I get on fine with her. (My son doesn't like me though) I really enjoy my grandchildren when I see them - which is about once a month each for a few hours (they don't live nearby) but I don't feel I need to be more intensely involved.

IngeJones Tue 02-Jan-18 09:40:16

Oh I meant to say I also get on well with my son's ex, who has my other grandchild. She is highly emotional, unlike me, but shes says I am a good listener and she tends to talk to me a lot about how she's feeling. Chris, I think you'll find you're just what some people want in their lives, and others won't find you to their taste. Like all of us, really.

Christinefrance Tue 02-Jan-18 10:43:10

Nice to see a degree of empathy on GN in 2018

OurKid1 Tue 02-Jan-18 11:13:58

Depends on whether you've always felt like this ... if so, that's just normal (whatever that is) for you and you shouldn't beat yourself up or let others do so. If not, then as others have suggested, maybe you are depressed. Does it actually bother you? If not, and you're not depressed, why worry? Takes all sorts as they say - not meaning to be flippant with that comment, just saying that if we were all completely honest and open as you have been, we'd find out that it does indeed 'take all sorts.'

bugsy555 Tue 02-Jan-18 12:21:53

Christine the OP did not ask for us all to be empathetic, she asked for an opinion on whether her behaviour was abnormal or normal.
Had the OP Said 'this is the way I am and I don't want to change can anybody empathise' then I wouldn't have commented.
There is no need whatsoever for your passive aggressive comment to me. I actually do have a degree of empathy towards OP as I feel there is a world of pleasure that she could be getting from her family and currently isn't.

MissAdventure Tue 02-Jan-18 12:24:10

This was posted almost word for word back in the summer, I think. Most people thought the poster was worn out and working too many hours to get much enjoyment out of anything.

IngeJones Tue 02-Jan-18 13:06:43

Bugsy, that's sympathy, not empathy. Sorry to be pedantic but for some reason just a couple of days ago I was googling the difference so today is my chance to show off, lol! smile

trisher Tue 02-Jan-18 13:17:46

Oh MissAdventure Thanks so much I was beginning to think I was imagining things or having deja vue. I thought I had read and commented on a post much like this one. Now at least I know I still have some brain cells functioning!

bugsy555 Tue 02-Jan-18 14:20:39

Fair point ingejones

M0nica Tue 02-Jan-18 22:31:36

Unusual, but not abnormal, but what does it matter, you are who you are, just be comfortable with that and do not give it another thought.

Norah Wed 03-Jan-18 14:13:24

Maybe different to some, but not evil or bad.