Should grandchildren know?

Most of my children don't allow me to have any contact with my grandchildren. I do sometimes wonder what lies they tell them.

Thank you so much Iam64. I absolutely agree with all you said. My daughters have indeed gone through a really difficult time but are coming through it now. I also struggled- weirdly with feelings of guilt, as though as the first wife I should have known and stopped him, which is crazy. But I'm currently glad the GC don't know he exists as we don't have to discuss it until they're older. And in fact for any genetic issues the ex was adopted so we don't know any of his heritage.

Chicklette, I want to acknowledge your contribution. The offences your ex and father to your two older children was imprisoned for are significant. Tough for his birth children to begin to integrate into their view of themselves as well. I know some will say it's irrelevant to your family but as so many other threads here confirm, most of us have a need or desire to know something about where we come from. So far as your grandchildren are concerned, sometimes simply saying 'he wasn't a very nice man' suffices until the children are old enough to push for more information.

Interesting read. Amazing how a 4year old can ask such questions Leggs55 I'd love to be a fly on the wall when my precious GD, that I haven't seen for 5ys now asks these questions of my once beloved, now estranged D.

My DF died before DD was born, my DM had remarried so DD always knew my Step-F as Granddad. She was about 4 when she asked me why Granddad was her Granddad but not my Dad. I explained simply that my DF had died & Granny had married Granddad, she puzzled over this for a few days but once she accepted it there were no further questions.

My DD's F died several years ago, I divorced him when DD was 5 he died when DD was in her late teens. I remarried when my DD was 11, oldest GS only knew my DH & he only ever knew Gramps, he was under 3 when my DH died so this question will probably not arise in our family.

I do think honesty is best but decision about what should be told & when is up to the Parents.

I have Vodafone already but paying more than this.

My children’s father is also absent from their lives due to over jelouse controlling Wife
But the young grandchildren know he exists and any questions are always answered according to their understanding.
He is missing out on so much love it’s very sad for all

I would keave it to the parents to tell her if and when they think it right. It could lead to repercussions - when she is older she or other grandchildren may want to meet him which may lead to questions as to why parents cut him out of their lives or vice versa. It will come up sooner or later but don't put yourself in the firing line by mentioning it first.

Children will want to know about all their grand parents. I have six GC all under 11 and two have divorced GP including me. They need to know their names, where they are, ages, usual stuff and let parents fill in the other info. My 8 year old GD recently wanted to know why I divorced my ex! Her mum was with me and encouraged me to give some answer. No need for detail, they know their grandparents lived like a family once (like them) and they are finding out about their lives.

I'm glad this has come up. My first husband was an abusive b*****d who left me when I was in labour with second DD. He never paid maintenance and didn't bother seeing the girls other than occasionally. I remarried some years later and had a third DD. Eldest 2 now have sons and have never told them that my DH isn't their Dad. Sometimes I've thought they should, but a year ago first husband was sent to prison for a long time for raping some children, so at present it seems right to not tell the boys until their Mums feel up to it. But it's tricky - an awful thing to have to tell them when they're old enough to 'understand ' (how do you ever understand something like that??)

Sooner or later they are going to realise that their mother/father wasn't a product of immaculate conception. Also, even if they never meet him, it might be handy to know who he was, in case they want to research the family history, or medical history.

My grandchildren asked where my GRANDPA was meaning my ex. It was simple to explain that he was the grandad that lived in Wales with Granny Jean. Accepted without further explanation being required. Tell them the truth if you are asked. If they don't ask they don't care .

My stepfather was always Grampa to my children. I called him by his name so they twigged at some stage he wasn’t my father. If it comes up in general conversation I’d mention it. They won’t be fazed and, as another poster has said, its handy to know for medical purposes.

I wasn’t told until I was in my teens that my grandmother wasn’t my biological grandmother who had died when my mother was born. I wasn’t upset in any way as I loved her so much. My DH is grandad to my five year old twin grandchildren and my 12 year old. They know they have a grandad in the sky and that he married me when mummy was a child and they adore him. I think that if this is dropped into conversation and not as a big announcement, they’ll be fine with it, as I was.

I think they should have access to the facts of their family tree when they ask, which is completely different from having a relationship to any individual in it. And if they get through childhood without asking then I think after they become adults they should be made aware if there is anyone they descend from that they don't know about.

It is important a) from the point of view of medical history and b) because after all haven't loads of us got to a point where we start trying to trace our family tree and experience frustration when we have gaps?

watermeadow ... am I right in thinking I that your ex is the biological grandfather here?
If so, then yes they should know. If not, it seems less important.
I have “unknown” family that I didn’t know existed before my mother died. Then it was too late to ask any questions.

As a foster mum I'm a huge believer in family trees, you don't have to go back through all that history stuff, just the basics. IMO the children need to be able to see where they come from.

I think the parents should tell the children, in a very casual way. I would have loved to expunge my ex’s name from the family tree but it would be ridiculous and the GCs will surely find out eventually and feel misled.
I had my baby adopted in the early 60s and didn’t tell my subsequent children anything until they were in their teens when the first question was ‘how could you keep that secret from us for all these years’. The oldest was a bit miffed to find herself no longer the oldest by a dozen years but otherwise they were just curious.

I feel the sooner children are told the truth about anything, the more accepting they are and less curious. You can give evasive answers and quickly change the subject when issues are “delicate”. My ex was absent a lot with my 3 kids, and now “my” 5 grandchildren only see him about twice a year. I have not badmouthed him, just told the truth when asked, and they all see him already, for exactly what he is. He admits that he was a crap father ( his words) yet still makes no effort to be a better grandfather, so he is reaping what he has sown. It’s a learning curve for kids, that life is not always perfect and people will let you down at times.

Yes, they should be made aware by their parents, he is after all the 2nd grandfather, and father to your child. Of course all of this would depend on why he left.

Last Xmas my 6 year old dgd from Australian was in the UK (with my son and family).She met quite a few UK relatives she had only heard about before. She’s knows me well, of course, from Skype and my visits to Oz. At one point she said to my two sons “how come you’re brothers if you have different dads?” I was very tempted to say something along the lines of “granny was a bit of a goer in her day” but restrained myself as I think it is up to the parents to deal with the issue. Having said that, I would have come out with some bland explanation about having been married twice if she had asked me directly.

My grand daughter sees her GF very rarely and does not connect him with me at all. She was recently counting her family members and told me that she has 2 nannies and a Pops and a grandad who is 'absolutely rubbish, brings no presents and play no games'........they do know so much more than we give them credit for.

I had trouble keep a straight face when he received negative feedback from a 4 year old, hopefully she will be a better judge of men than I have been.

I had a child adopted before my current family and I told them when they were 6 & 8, I just didn't want him to turn up or something I hadn't expected and imagined the shock that would cause. They were fine about it and we added him into the prayers we said for everyone on the rare occasions we did pray!! They would rightly be cross if they didn't know & it got found out somehow.

I think it's very important to just casually answer when asked so that it's never some huge secret that might come as a bombshell later on, DD1's DH was married before producing 2 sons (long story, second son's paternity in doubt). They have now been very happily married for over twenty years and have 4 lovely children. Elder two ask questions from time to time but, although SIL would tell them, DD1 would be explosive if matter is mentioned.
A few years ago my DH received a letter out of the blue from a half sister he never knew existed-another long story for a cold winter's night when there's nothing on the telly! All turned out well but it was a shock nonetheless. Much better not to try to keep secrets like this these days I feel.

The child is right. As far as she is concerned she does just have one grandfather.

Her parents should mention it very casually when it is relevant to the conversation and let it go. The child may follow it up, but since no one sees him or knows much about him, she will soon accept it just as the rest of the family does.