Should grandchildren know?

I think they should just be told in passing. They may be interested for a short period of time then they'll simply accept it as the norm. It's easier to let them grow up knowing that he exists than have it suddenly sprung on them at some point in the future.

I think I would agree with vampirequeen
Although children do tend to question even from a very early age,
so if your DGC is told of his existence be ready for the 'but why' type questions.
The grandfather even though not on the scene is still part if their family tree as are his forbearers.

Let their parents mention this when they think they are the right age.

I don't think so tbh. Depends how old the child is? Young children don't actually know how grandparents come to be or what the relationship is to mum. For example, my husband is not biological 'grandad' he's just grandad anyway and some of my GC have more than two grandads (grandmas marrying twice or more) They are ALL grandads, but I suspect the kids just think they are old men ha ha. They don't understand the connection.

Once the kids are old enough to understand the family tree scenario then maybe its appropriate? Only you can decide. But for young kids I would say NO, don't complicate things.

I think there's a difference between "You have a grandad whom you never see" and "Granny had a husband who doesn't live with her any more".

The first one could give an impression to the child that they are missing out while the second makes it more vague and less concerning to them.

My dgc aged 9 and 6 are aware of our similar situation.

I am a step granny. A few years ago when little the eldest asked about when her daddy was born. She was told that daddy had another mammy that now lived somewhere else and I was a special kind of mammy.

She was totally accepting of this as I am all that she knows and younger brother just followed in her path. It didn't bring up any ideas of mummies disappearing or going away. They know that I am not daddy's real mammy.
I am still treated as their granny.

Mum and dad spoke with minimum of fuss and it was all very matter of fact i.e. Can I go on my bike now

DHs dad died when he was young. My MIL and Step FIL are Nanny and Grandad but we don't see them anymore.

Both of the children know all about this, they know of them and the situations why we are in them. As child friendly as possible. I think at this age they focus on what they have rather than what they don't have.

I think they should know ,just that he doesn't live with you and doesn't see family ,but they should know of his existence

As my DGC have grown older they have asked about DS's father and my ex. I simply told them he does not live near any more and they accepted this. Sadly one DS told his DC he was not a very nice man, which is true but in my opinion too honest for them at their young age.

Personally yes I do think they should be told, any details can come as they get older and ask any questions but I don’t think we have the right to wipe someone existence out just because we don’t have them in our life
You don’t say how old the child is but I remember my grandkids loved simple family trees when they were young after all it’s their history isn’t it ?

The child is right. As far as she is concerned she does just have one grandfather.

Her parents should mention it very casually when it is relevant to the conversation and let it go. The child may follow it up, but since no one sees him or knows much about him, she will soon accept it just as the rest of the family does.

I think it's very important to just casually answer when asked so that it's never some huge secret that might come as a bombshell later on, DD1's DH was married before producing 2 sons (long story, second son's paternity in doubt). They have now been very happily married for over twenty years and have 4 lovely children. Elder two ask questions from time to time but, although SIL would tell them, DD1 would be explosive if matter is mentioned.
A few years ago my DH received a letter out of the blue from a half sister he never knew existed-another long story for a cold winter's night when there's nothing on the telly! All turned out well but it was a shock nonetheless. Much better not to try to keep secrets like this these days I feel.

I had a child adopted before my current family and I told them when they were 6 & 8, I just didn't want him to turn up or something I hadn't expected and imagined the shock that would cause. They were fine about it and we added him into the prayers we said for everyone on the rare occasions we did pray!! They would rightly be cross if they didn't know & it got found out somehow.

My grand daughter sees her GF very rarely and does not connect him with me at all. She was recently counting her family members and told me that she has 2 nannies and a Pops and a grandad who is 'absolutely rubbish, brings no presents and play no games'........they do know so much more than we give them credit for.

I had trouble keep a straight face when he received negative feedback from a 4 year old, hopefully she will be a better judge of men than I have been.

Last Xmas my 6 year old dgd from Australian was in the UK (with my son and family).She met quite a few UK relatives she had only heard about before. She’s knows me well, of course, from Skype and my visits to Oz. At one point she said to my two sons “how come you’re brothers if you have different dads?” I was very tempted to say something along the lines of “granny was a bit of a goer in her day” but restrained myself as I think it is up to the parents to deal with the issue. Having said that, I would have come out with some bland explanation about having been married twice if she had asked me directly.

Yes, they should be made aware by their parents, he is after all the 2nd grandfather, and father to your child. Of course all of this would depend on why he left.

I feel the sooner children are told the truth about anything, the more accepting they are and less curious. You can give evasive answers and quickly change the subject when issues are “delicate”. My ex was absent a lot with my 3 kids, and now “my” 5 grandchildren only see him about twice a year. I have not badmouthed him, just told the truth when asked, and they all see him already, for exactly what he is. He admits that he was a crap father ( his words) yet still makes no effort to be a better grandfather, so he is reaping what he has sown. It’s a learning curve for kids, that life is not always perfect and people will let you down at times.

I think the parents should tell the children, in a very casual way. I would have loved to expunge my ex’s name from the family tree but it would be ridiculous and the GCs will surely find out eventually and feel misled.
I had my baby adopted in the early 60s and didn’t tell my subsequent children anything until they were in their teens when the first question was ‘how could you keep that secret from us for all these years’. The oldest was a bit miffed to find herself no longer the oldest by a dozen years but otherwise they were just curious.

As a foster mum I'm a huge believer in family trees, you don't have to go back through all that history stuff, just the basics. IMO the children need to be able to see where they come from.

watermeadow ... am I right in thinking I that your ex is the biological grandfather here?
If so, then yes they should know. If not, it seems less important.
I have “unknown” family that I didn’t know existed before my mother died. Then it was too late to ask any questions.

I think they should have access to the facts of their family tree when they ask, which is completely different from having a relationship to any individual in it. And if they get through childhood without asking then I think after they become adults they should be made aware if there is anyone they descend from that they don't know about.

It is important a) from the point of view of medical history and b) because after all haven't loads of us got to a point where we start trying to trace our family tree and experience frustration when we have gaps?

I wasn’t told until I was in my teens that my grandmother wasn’t my biological grandmother who had died when my mother was born. I wasn’t upset in any way as I loved her so much. My DH is grandad to my five year old twin grandchildren and my 12 year old. They know they have a grandad in the sky and that he married me when mummy was a child and they adore him. I think that if this is dropped into conversation and not as a big announcement, they’ll be fine with it, as I was.

My stepfather was always Grampa to my children. I called him by his name so they twigged at some stage he wasn’t my father. If it comes up in general conversation I’d mention it. They won’t be fazed and, as another poster has said, its handy to know for medical purposes.

My grandchildren asked where my GRANDPA was meaning my ex. It was simple to explain that he was the grandad that lived in Wales with Granny Jean. Accepted without further explanation being required. Tell them the truth if you are asked. If they don't ask they don't care .