I don't think I can do this any more!

Sorry to hear you're feeling so bad. Is it possible for you to employ someone to help you out with the various technical problems you're having and to help take the load off you in looking after the ground/garden ?

Well, you've given the family help when they were young, now it's their turn. If they want to help, let them. Priming a pump can be a s*d but is much easier done by someone younger. Just look after the bits around the house. Nature can care for the rest.

(Are you in Australia?)

Your home sounds lovely and I can understand your husband would be reluctant to leave . I believe familiarity helps people with dementia. Could you rent out just the land and let someone else care and for it? Look after yourself . I hope you find a solution

seasider, renting seems like a great idea.

If you can afford to pay someone, don't resist doing it and the idea of renting out some of the land sounds like a good one. We all have limitations and there is no point in fighting them. Let your family help. If it becomes too much for them it is for them to say that and the family should really work together to find a solution. It sounds as if they would be happy to do that. I find it frustrating that my mother won't accept any help.
You cannot continue as you are and your husband would probably not be able to cope with moving so clearly something needs to change. Does everything that you are struggling with absolutely have to be done? It probably wouldn't be the end of the world if some areas get a bit overgrown.

I think you need to chat to all your family re the issues and see what help they can come up with, you shouldn’t have to cope with this alone.

Good advise given, however I feel if you were to hurt yourself whilst trying to achieve what seems the impossible,where would that leave you. Decide what you are able to physically do and hire a young strong lad to help at weekends.

Would the family buy the rest of the land and just leave you with a garden to tend? That way you can stay in the hoe you have built without any worries.

So sorry you are struggling Farmgran. Contact your local Carers UK and Alzheimer's Society, and Age UK. There is help and support out there. If the length of the grass and state of the garden is getting you down, could you hire someone to help a few hours a fortnight or so? It could help a local young person and make you feel more in control. All the best to you.

Talk to your family. Let them work wwith you to sort out solutions. You don't have to do this alone

You've answered your own question .... "he's 86 and getting dementia". Looking after a person with dementia can be nigh on impossible sometimes....but "in sickness and in health". Not a great time to think of leaving him.
You clearly need help yourself to cope with his attitude, which he cannot help. You need to open up to the rest of the family and get their support, as well as seeking help from social services. Not an easy time at all, but you are clearly feeling low and under immense pressure. Get that help for you and for him!

Oh Farmgran - so sorry you are going through this. Amongst all this you have to look after YOU. Climbing down a bank - not good at our age(well at any age) - machinery that doesn't start etc
Why not put on paper things you can no longer manage - be honest - then sit down with children and be honest with them - you are doing things that your husband would be doing or a younger person.
I am in a similar position with a disabled H - though not climbing down banks and have had to accept that I need help as it is just me here doing things two people would do and I have learnt to accept help whether I pay for it or not. Yesterday someone swept my garden up of leaves and dead flowers - it was on my list to do but could not think when - I came back from shop to find it had been done!
Look at all the above suggestions and think what is best for you
Good luck - and remember you need to be looking after you as well.

I do sympathise with you but oh my your home sounds like paradise to me! Ask your family to help! I live in busy noisy London in a one bedroom rented apartment - I have a cat - but oh my what I would give to have even a little garden. Yes, I would ask my family to help me out - after all they have had a good start in life due to you & your husband! Thinking of you x

If hubby has dementia then your life can only get worse, so make a stand now otherwise it will become absolutely untenable. Nursing a very elderly parent with dementia and having done so for the last 10 years when it hadn't really started I know what I am talking about. Now it's time for the family you have cared for to be in on this information - because if you go under with the strain, then they will have a big problem on their hands taking care, one way or another of two of you. You say you could leave him - if that means you have no love for him then you need to get out quickly, but tell your family that this is in your mind because they may have solutions for you - and why would you have to move away from your family anyway?

I am presuming you are in Australia as you say you are 'in for a dry summer' farmgran.

It probably wouldn't be the end of the world if some areas get a bit overgrown.
If you are in Australia, then it is no good leaving the area around the house to get overgrown because it could be quite dangerous. If bush is allowed to grow up near the house a bush fire could spread quickly, added to which snakes could lurk in the long grass. However, I'm sure that farmgran knows that, that is why it is of concern.

'Lifestyle blocks' of 10+ acres sound wonderful, until you do get older and can't cope with it all.
As your DH is now 86, has dementia and you are not not coping with the situation you need to speak to the family to find a solution asap. Perhaps they could use most of the 12 acres and incorporate it into the farm to keep it managed and you could keep an acre or so around the house which sounds more than enough for you to cope with.

Can you get a new pump fitted, perhaps on a flatter piece of land? Newer pumps are much easier to manage and perhaps you could have a watering system for the veggie garden and lawn and keep the grass cut around the house with a ride-on mower.

Farmgran. If your husband is 86 I guess you too are probably over 80 and getting physically frail. You need to talk to your family and tell them quite clearly and without equivocation that with your DH developing dementia you simply cannot cope.

If necessary write it down. List the problems you have that you cannot deal with and then list the help you need; someone to take the care of the land and maintenance of all equipment and services off your hands, someone to help care for your DH, either domestic help or personal care to help with washing dressing etc, getting your DH into a day centre several days a week to give you respite.

Tell them that if this does not happen they will have two elderly and ill people to care for. If they ignore you go outside and explain your problems to Social Services, your local church or charity for the aged.

If all else fails, walk out. Book yourself into a local hotel or bed and breakfast for a week and present your family with the problem of looking after your DH. That should precipitate action.

All these suggestions about Social Services, day centres etc seem to relate to the UK.

This help may not be available in rural Australia. How far are you from a town farmgran and is there any help available at all where you live? You will have to speak to your family, however busy they are.

Hire help for your new home and remaining farmland and help for caring for dh if you can. You can't do it all yourself, and his solution of just "leaving it alone'" won't solve anything either. If the family is willing to pitch in, great. But otherwise, don't be ashamed to hire outside help if you can afford it. Good luck!

Your husband has dementia. When he says things that are unreasonable, you are not bound by them; it is the dementia talking. Having lived 15 years with my late husband's dementia, I wrestled mightily with this, but in the end, with the help of friends and professionals, I realised that there were times when I could go against his expressed wishes and even lie to him for the best of reasons, even though I hated doing so. Ask yourself if something he wants is reasonable, if not, do what IS reasonable. If you haven't already done so, get a formal diagnosis. It will help you down the line. Sort out Powers of Attorney for both of you. If it's the same as UK, you can get POA as long as the person still understands the principle of it, and if you make it about 'Estate planning' rather than focus on his deteriorating mental capacity. Finally, as others have said, you really must get the family to help. They may be very busy with their lives, but if you break down, which you will if you don't get help, they will have an even bigger problem on their hands.

As the others say, you can't do everything, so do, please, sit down with the family and discuss the problem of your husband's dementia. Talk to his doctor too, and find out what help is available.

I get the feeling that you and I are alike in that machines never start for us, because we don't understand them . Can you get someone in the family to show you how to start the blasted things? Write down what they tell you and ask all the questions you can think of, while they are there, even if you feel stupid doing so. Then start the machine while the helper is there. I refused to have a lawn mower running on petrol because I can't start it myself and have an electric one. You sound as it you have so much grass that you need a tractor mower that you can drive round on. If you can afford it, changing some of the machinery to something you can use yourself would be a help, if it is not possible to get some young lad to come and do these tasks. I don't know what the labour situation is where you are - here it's well-nigh impossible to get help even if you can afford to pay well for it, which we cannot.

There is plenty of labour in certain areas of Australia, but much of the farm work is seasonal and done by backpackers or other overseas workers on visas. The minimum wage is very high, too, and sick pay, holiday pay and superannuation have to be added on top of a basic wage.

I think it is time to call on family - are there workers' quarters on the farm and could they 'lend' you a couple of young, trustworthy workesrs to tackle the garden and perhaps help to do some housework?

Have you thought about the Boy Scouts Association? They're always looking to do a good turn and if you can make a donation to their funds I'm sure you will get the help you need. Maybe they could be invited to camp on your ground - so lots of fun for them and you too I expect. Why not try it? They've got two answers.

Rent out the land to let others do the work.Farms around me do just that and it appears to becoming the normal thing these days.
The property is still your Dh's and he can see it is not neglected.

farmgran your post rings bells with me. We're not in Australia, but in SW France where things grow as if on steroids, and it has become too much for us. The chickens are another addition to work. We both have physical limitations due to age.
My advice would be "Rent out the land to let others do the work." As Sarahellen says. We're hoping to sell up to younger energetic people.