Hurt, angry & feeling isolated

For me the key point you make is you feel lonely and isolated. With respect that isnt your son's problem. The more you have in your life the easier the relationship with him and his family. So ........what would you fancy? bridge,walking, volunteering, exercise classes, holiday with Saga or similar, supper club, dancing. Whatever you want, its right there. If you think you are still mourning, then a bereavement counsellor could be on the list. But hold these feelings to be your reaponsibility and all will become easier. Thats a promise.

That holiday would not stand a chance of working and might end up putting a bigger wedge of strain between you all. I’d stay well clear, be thankful your son did try, and move on. Maybe arrange a long weekend somewhere that would suit you later in the year for you and your sons family?

My DD and family had a holiday arranged and paid for by her inlaws and, looking after a disabled husband, I did feel very envious. However, it turned out to be a holiday from hell with my DD swearing never ever again!

It sounds to me as if you have a loving son and brought him up to be respectful. That is something to be grateful for.

Grandchildren bring us such joy. Enjoy them as much as you can.
Would you really want to be with people who don't appear to have any compassion? X

Please don't be the piggy in the middle of your DS and DIL's power struggle. Yes, it was a long time ago since you holidayed with the, yes it would be nice if your DIL could want you around more and yes, it would be nice if you could all go but your DIL will resent YOU if your DS ends up winning and you will be made unhappy. I know it is difficult but be warmed by the fact that your DS is on your side and then suggest a nice compromise. Perhaps you could go on a mini break with the family if they can afford it or you could stay with them for a few days. There must be a way forward where you are not piggy in the middle!

The thing is Nettie everybody can't be included all the time and what causes the hurt is the difference between they amount that they expect to be included and the amount that others want to include them.
I'm getting a bit tied up in my own rhetoric there but I honestly don't see why Anneishere should expect to be part of that particular holiday. The other parents are organising it, it's time with their daughter and her family. Anne isn't really part of that subset of family is she? She has her own subset which is her son and his family. Just like I had a subset of sister and cousins this weekend which didn't include my children.
I am widowed but haven't found it made any difference to being included or not. But I also don't rely on my children and their families to fill up my life.

There would be no fun in it for anybody if you were to go. I would tell your son that you do not wish to go, let them have their holiday and enjoy it, but once the grandchildren are old enough, you should try to have them to stay, once or twice a year, maybe a few days to start with and later on for a week in the summer holidays and maybe a few days at another time.
You are so very lucky to have a wonderful son who sticks up for you and obviously loves you.

Holidaying with the in-laws/parents/children? No thank you! I loved my parents to bits, but the thought of sharing a holiday with them? I don't think so! We just liked doing different things at different times. Likewise, now our children/grandchildren like doing different things at different times and it would bound to cause friction! I'm a firm believer in generations doing their own thing when it comes to vacations!!

Annie is here - your son is doing the right thing, if you can see that his in-laws are controlling and heavy drinkers and wants you to be there it's because he doesn't want an imbalance in the situation or an escalation of the in-laws behaviour in front of the grandchildren. It also sounds as though your dil wants a tit-for-tat for situation. Two can play at that game - maybe you can find out what she does with her parents and the grandchildren that you don't do, and then put it to your son that you want more of that, whatever it might be, so that he can tell your dil that that kind of thing works both ways. The other thing of course is your own relationship with the in-laws, are you friendly, do you see them often - they may not be your chosen companions but it might turn out that you get closer to them if you holiday together and then the competition with the grandchildren will lessen. Irrespective of your son's motive for wanting you on holiday with his family, if you want to go and he wants you there, why not?

I can understand your hurt, although it does sound as though it would be a holiday from hell. It would have been nice to have been invited, even if you then refused the offer. What you wanted was just to feel part of a family instead of the perpetual outsider......
For single grandparents it is too easy to feel excluded..... And what is not realised is that its actually the grandchildren that miss out more than anyone. Patents of grandchildren need to think of them rather than their own dislikes of their in laws, especially if it is a single grandparent. Loneliness is one of the biggest killers of older people, and for a single grandparent that loneliness is magnified if they feel excluded.

If her parents are booking the holiday it isn't fair for your son to dictate it. Maybe they want to spend sometime with their daughter and her family?

If you have be on holiday with them already, did your DIL kick up a fuss that her parents aren't invited?

Maybe your DIL wants sometime away with her husband and children on holiday just them? You don't get on with her parents so you'd be miserable with them or you'd be with your son and his wife for the whole holiday.

If your son is adamant he wants you to go, it's not really your DIL that is controlling this situation?

You have been on Holiday with them, its only fair your DILs parents to want to go on a holiday too. Your son has got a family, his wife and his children are his family and your are too.

I wouldn’t want to go under these circumstances, especially if they are heavy drinkers. I would plan a separate break with your son and family, or just have them at your place for a weekend, to recreate your own Xmas ? Is it possible to spend some one to one with your DIL to maybe get to know each other better and smooth out any angst that maybe simmering ? Wish you well ....

But then son, daughter and partners are planning a week in Wales next year. Never occurred to me that I should be included in on that either. Didn't take them on the short break I've just had with my sister and cousin. It's all to do with expectation really and your view of how families should operate.

Sorry, I seem to see this differently to the rest of you.

I suspect your son wants you to come to give him some support. Your DiL might be yet another one of the controlling wives we hear so much about these days and he may feel the need to put his foot down and say what he wants and what he thinks is fair. If you give in to her pressure too then he has no one to support him. Do you want to assist her in controlling him?

Stand up for whatever your son wants and then if you go on the holiday offer to pay your share, grit your teeth when necessary, offer to babysit so they can all go out without you and generally behave like a saint!

Anyone who has seen the insidious ways a controlling, narcissistic person behaves will understand why your son may need support.

If I am wrong, ignore me but just think about it please.

Anne it undoubtedly seems a painful situation right now but imagine yourself with the characters you have described - and no escape! - for a week or two. It could make relationships an awful lot worse in one fell swoop. I can really understand your missing the lovely grandchildren, but could you offer to have them for the weekend or take them out for a full day/overnight stay once the holiday is over? It doesn't sound like a happy prospect at all to join the rest of your extended family for this jaunt; thinking about it I would rather stay home.

Hi, I have a theory that all of this sort of family stuff seems so much worse at this time of year....along with grief. I would seriously try to back off from this. I think your husband needs to sort things out for himself. If you’re not invited, which sounds likely, it will hurt(don’t enter into any conversations about it unless you can’t avoid it) but know that you can have lots of other times with them ...and holidays often aren’t all they’re cracked up to be, anyway. It is hard for you being on your own, and sadly unless you’re in that situation, I think the loneliness isn’t understood. But I would try to pull yourself up, put on a smile, see as much of them as you can, and also do some things for yourself. This situation is no reflection on you personally, be kind to yourself.

I would make sure you let your son know how much it means to you that he wants to include you on the holiday and then tell him as tactfully as you can that perhaps it's best if you sit this one out. It's his in-laws idea and best they get on with it without you 'encroaching' - best for you and them. The last thing you want is to come between such a caring son and his wife, be the bigger person! Like Eglantine it's made me wonder about how other in laws have felt when we've holidayed with son and family, perhaps need to rethink this.

Be the bigger person. Let them go off on this holiday. Lots have commented my thoughts already. I'd be glad not to be a part of this stressful gathering. Feel for your son and grandchildren.

The particular "holiday mix" that you describe sounds like a recipe for disaster, and you could end up at the centre of huge resentment through no fault of your own. If it were me, I'd avoid the so-called "holiday" like the plague, and look at programming in some separate quality time with your son and grandchildren at a later date.

You feel jealous and that is understandable............BUT jealousy is all the fun you think they will have. Swerve this holiday and have something nicer on you own terms. Although your son meant well, telling you that there had been a discussion and your DIL was against you going has backfired a bit, you now feel rejected.

I would give the kids some holiday spending moey and start planning the next one, where you will be part of the planning, after all it seems your DIL is happy to alternate parents going along.

I am sorry you have lost your DH, try something new for yourself, you deserve your own happiness.

Anne I can see as a single person it would be nice to be included but it might b e a step too far to have all the parents on holiday.You feel left out don’t you ? and that I can totally understand but it might not be nice for you if you were included Can you imagine both grangmothers trying to help with the grandkids you may be very unhappy especially if you lost out to the controlling Mum in law It could be awful for your son to as he would bevtotally in th3 middle
I had one holiday with both sets it worked out fairly ok as neither them or me were overpowering in fact son in law and father went off a lot leaving youngest daughter and two ‘mothers’ with the grandkids Mother in law was a very quiet lady and did not take over It wasn’t a bundle of laughs but ere were no problems
I think the idea of inviting your family to have a holiday with you next time is by far the best idea and grit your teeth and arrange something with your girlfriends or siblings whilst they are away so you are not sitting stewing on your own

I think the son SHOULD put his wife first ,isn't that what we would want our husbands to do?

I'm wondering if your son actually dreads the thought of a holiday with his in laws and feels your presence would make the holiday better for him or [hate to say this] he's using you as a bargaining tool to get out of the holiday [I don't mean that in a nasty way]. You did say the holiday was only at the 'suggestion' stage.

It would take a really excellent destination to make this sound remotely like a good idea. I understand your feeling hurt and left out and it’s touching that your DS wants you there, but ..... Would it not be better to suggest you have a holiday with them (minus in-laws) later in the year? How old are your DGC?

Why on earth does your son want to include you in a family holiday that includes his wife's parents? We regularly went on holiday with either my parents or DH's, but we never mixed them on the same holiday - and they got on really well.

It is the same with our son and DDiL. Her mother quite often joins them on holiday and they join us, but even though we all get on really well we have yet to have a joint family holiday.

Thank your DS for the offer but insist, that you do not want to come on this holiday (they sound dreadful anyway) but suggest that perhaps you could join them for a holiday next year.