Hurt, angry & feeling isolated

Sounds like a holiday from hell to me. A moody, controlling DiL and heavy drinking in-laws?

Be thankful you're not going.

I was just thinking the same thing. Maybe you could offer to have the grandchildren when they get back?

Hi Annie. So sorry you're feeling low right now. But you have certainly come to the right place for help and support. If you've been reading other threads you'll see how families can so easily be upset with one another and people do feel isolated, hurt and angry just as you do.

First, can I say well done to your son for wanting you to be included and for saying so. Second, though, I don't think you would wish to go along on sufferance, nor would you want to come between your son and DiL. I do know what you mean, relationships with DiLs are not the same as many have with their daughters. But she's your son's choice and of course that has to be respected.

It may be resolved that you will go too. Fair enough. But if things don't work out that way, perhaps you could go with them another time. Is that a possibility, do you think?

You are right, its harder to deal with these things when you're on your own. I hope you have friends and outside interests to occupy your time. It makes it easier if you live life to the full. Families can be fraught at times and we all need other things in our lives if we are to avoid becoming wound up about things outside our control.

Wishing you all the best I'm sure others on GN will be along very soon with some sound advice. Take heart!

X-ed posts Misadventure and Merlot. Well said, though.

Sounds like it wouldn't be a great relaxing holiday for you, and would only cause more problems. They sound very different people. It is great that he is standing up for you and insisting you come too though.

Is there any way you could instead afford to rent a cottage for a long weekend, not too far away, and invite your son and wife and grandchildren - your treat?

If you plan it well, you could also have a family bbq there and ask his cousins, so you all have a good time and the gc see more of your side of the family.

Then maybe your son could even suggest to his wife that she might not enjoy it and may prefer to go and have some "me" time with friends/family, while you and he catch up and enjoy your sort of holiday with gc?

He could also suggest this as a compromise to her, so accepting you don't go on the main holiday?

Honestly? Your DIL is entitled to holiday withe HER family if she wants .I see my D's in-laws twice a year,they're lovely people BUT I dont have much in common with them .Some subjects are even barred from discussion becuse we have differing opinions.Perhaps your DIL just wants the familiarity of her own family who for all their faults ARE her family .Surely its that simple? Theres no way I would ever have wanted to take my in laws on holiday with us ...or my own parents come to that.Much as I loved them.If her parents have suggested it ,and she wants to go ...its nothing to do with you..so arrange a different break with your son and his family if you and they want to

I agree with those who say you wouldn't enjoy this vacation. Better if you're not invited!

It's sweet of ds to fight to have you included. But I get his partner's point. If they traveled with just you that time, why can't they travel with just her mum and stepdad? Makes no difference why they took a trip with you or whether or not they had the gc at the time. She's just looking at the "scorecard," so to speak. Bad idea, imo, but that's what she's doing.

Besides, since you're not close, maybe she doesn't look forward to a holiday with you. Maybe she was doing ds a favor back when you were first widowed. Maybe he doesn't like the idea of a holiday with her parents either, but now she's expecting him to return the favor.

Also, are her parents paying for the holiday? That might be another reason she doesn't want to include another person.

But that's between them and doesn't involve you until you're invited along (if you are). I hope ds isn't "adamant" about your coming because you're pressuring him.

Or telling you he's "adamant" just to sedate you. Please let it go and just enjoy the time you do get with ds and your gc. Maybe invite them for a holiday, yourself, sometime, as others have suggested. Or just invite the kids. But get the jealousy in check.

Sorry for the loss of dh. xx

Just a thought...how many "grans" took parents on holiday with them when they had a young family? We never did,a holiday was time for us ,a space in a very busy year.Am I alone in this ...a selfish D or DIL ,or is it the norm?

I agree with you Paddyann.
We once took PILs abroad for a short holiday, after our own summer holiday. What a nightmare! MIL spoke the language fluently and took over, often resulting in mis directions and other disasters!
OP I would do as others suggest and politely decline this particular holiday and enjoy you GC at another time.

We often took my Mum and Dad on holiday when our children were younger - though never abroad. After my Dad died, we took my Mum abroad each year for seven years. It rather spoilt the holidays for us because she is a bit of a fusspot so I wouldn't necessarily recommend it on such a regular basis.

However, I do think it is a bit mean of the daughter-in-law to refer back to a holiday seven years previously. But frankly I wouldn't want to holiday with someone who didn't want me there, and if it is going to cause trouble between a son and his wife I think it might be better to forget it anyway. Perhaps, as others have said, it would be better to take the children away for a short break.

I agree , it sounds as if you might not enjoy it anyway.

We had a couple of holidays with my son and daughter in law and also with my daughters family and although we have happy memories we realise that we are better on our own. I think we are perceived as difficult.

Do you have a friend that you could holiday with?

I think it could be the holiday from hell too.

You say that your son's partner's mother and step-father are organising this holiday - I would be inclined to tell your son that you hope they all have a wonderful time and that you look forward to a visit from them/to them when they come home again so that you can hear all about it and see the photos.
Perhaps you can take the DGC away somewhere for a short break, or have them to stay.

Meanwhile, I hope you have some good friends that you can meet or go away with.

Don’t go. It has all the makings of a ‘holiday from hell’. Thank your son for his thoughtfulness then suggest that on their return they all come round to you for dinner and to tell you all about it.

I often do this when family have been away. I say, ‘bung your washing in the machine, pop round to mine and I’ll do dinner’. Saves them having to put together a meal that first night. Always seems to go down well even with my grumpy DiL.

Your son and his partner are not in agreement about inviting you so I'm a bit puzzled why you know about this holiday and the disagreement between them.

Jealousy is a natural emotion. I think that's what you're feeling.

I don't see any reason at all why both sides of the family's grandparents should expect to be invited on the same holiday with them unless the grandparents all happen to be very good friends quite apart from their relation to the same grandkids.

Holidays are informal. I think that, the above friendship proviso aside, meetings between sets of grandparents are best kept for formal occasions only.

Oh gosh, I've often gone on holiday with my children. It never occurred to me that the in laws would expect to go too. Not for a minute!
In my defence it also never occurred to me that I should go on holiday when it was in-laws having a family holiday with their children and partners.
Personally I think it's two separate things.

I would be very wary as your son seems to be putting you in the middle of an argument between him and DIL which seems rather unfair.

I am not sure why a "family holiday" means that both sets of grandparents have to be there. We went on holiday with grandparents (and also when I was a child) but never both sets at the same time - always separate holidays. My parents often contributed a lot financially to the joint holidays when the DCs were small - but they would have been very upset if we invited other people to what they considered their time with the grandchildren that they were paying for.

Why don't you suggest your own holiday with Ds and family?

I understand your hurt, Anneishere - your son has told you that a 'family' holiday is planned, and that despite his wishes, you are not invited. Put like that, I would be hurt too. However, I can't feeling that looked at from another angle, it isn't quite as bad: suppose that your son had simply told you that his in-laws had invited his family (meaning their daughter, her husband and children) to join them for a holiday, would you have found that alone hurtful? If not, it would seem to be your son's unsuccessful attempts to get you included that is, understandably, the cause of the hurt. If so, perhaps you can take the positive from this - that your son feels close enough to you to want you to be included, even though he is not really in a position to dictate to his in-laws who they should class as 'family' in this instance. Really, he has turned a fairly normal situation into something more by actually telling you that he wanted you to be included, but I imagine he didn't think through how that would make you feel!

Annieshere I understand, but in your place I would tell your son ‘thanks’ but another time, on your own with them.
He wants to include you, and that’s great, but you may not enjoy it, and it’s better for your relationship with DIL if you don’t go, but allow her parents the holiday.

Personally I think it's two separate things.
I love going on holiday with the family, DGC and DIL's DM - but DIL's DM is brilliant!

If you don't particularly like your son's partner's in-laws then it would not be a happy time.

We have been on a holiday with both sets of parents and while we had a good time I remember having to grit my teeth and count to a thousand so many times.
One parent was controlling and had a paddy if they did not get their own way almost every day. The same person wanted to dictate mealtimes then had a paddy if we did not go for a drink before meals. Most of us don't drink especially before meals.
It was slightly uncomfortable a lot of the 14 day holiday and we get on the rest of the year and get together very often ..so the key is small doses.!
So I would suggest they have this family holiday without you but next time it's with just you and no other in laws.

I too think that the in-laws have invited the family and it is for them to call the shots.

I honestly think you would hate it - so no point in fighting for it.

Thank your son for his thoughtfulness, but tell him you feel that it would be too much for you, or something, anything really, but get him off the hook.

You could invite them on a holiday yourself at anther time.

Why on earth does your son want to include you in a family holiday that includes his wife's parents? We regularly went on holiday with either my parents or DH's, but we never mixed them on the same holiday - and they got on really well.

It is the same with our son and DDiL. Her mother quite often joins them on holiday and they join us, but even though we all get on really well we have yet to have a joint family holiday.

Thank your DS for the offer but insist, that you do not want to come on this holiday (they sound dreadful anyway) but suggest that perhaps you could join them for a holiday next year.

It would take a really excellent destination to make this sound remotely like a good idea. I understand your feeling hurt and left out and it’s touching that your DS wants you there, but ..... Would it not be better to suggest you have a holiday with them (minus in-laws) later in the year? How old are your DGC?

I'm wondering if your son actually dreads the thought of a holiday with his in laws and feels your presence would make the holiday better for him or [hate to say this] he's using you as a bargaining tool to get out of the holiday [I don't mean that in a nasty way]. You did say the holiday was only at the 'suggestion' stage.