Hurt, angry & feeling isolated

Anneishere, are you all right? Are things sorted? I hope you have this resolved nicely. Sometimes I think Gransnet should arrange a holiday for all the people on the forum who don't have people to go with them...then I look at some of the fights and think it would probably be a disaster.

This might already have been explained but I don't understand why your son told you his partner had rejected the request for you to join them. Not exactly going to endear you to her is it?

But that aside, you don't sound like you care for the in-laws much so it really probably wouldn't be a good idea for you to go anyway. Nobody likes to be judged on holiday. I get on reasonably well with my children's inlaws but no way would I want to go on holiday with them. I like to do my own thing and our interests are so different.

One of my D's went on holiday this year to a beautiful Villa in Spain with her DH's family. I was happy for them but wouldn't have wanted to join them - even if I'd been asked which I wasn't.

Why not suggest a trip with you on a separate occasion? Also you can't make your C or GC the centre of your universe so get out and meet others. Try Saga holidays or other single ventures. Hopefully you will have fun independently.

I think it is best not to go on this holiday with a DIL who you do not get on with and her parents who drink heavily.
Your son is very thoughtful in wanting you to not be left out when you are on your own.
Not sure if this would work but could you not when the children come back make arrangements to take them on a full days outings or even if they are older a short weekend break and have some real good fun time with them on your own.
Be the grandma who is the fun one not the heavy drinking one who is not there for them.
Children are bright as buttons and know when a person loves them genuinely.
My grandchildren live miles away one oversea but I always keep in contact and let then know how much I love and miss them.
Postcards are wonderful also for children to receive.

my husband and I had a holiday abroad with son DiL and GS
many years ago, on the whole very enjoyable but after reading Anneisheres post realise how selfish it was, didn't once consider inlaws feelings, wonder if the inlaws concerned realise how you feel.

Tell your son you would rather go on holiday with him and his direct family maybe next year. If DIL invites you now, how could you enjoy yourself knowing they had to be talked into letting you go. Holidays, xmas- all possible minefields. I thought we were supposed to get wiser with age (me- I'm still waiting).

don't go, they will be lolling around drunk and you will be skivvying, babysitting all with tight lips, against a backdrop of undercurrent hissed fights between ds and wife. Been there got the tee shirt! Be cheery, wish your loved ones a WONDERFUL trip and like others have advised do your own holiday for your side of the family after. I've done the 'come round for dinner after you get back' and the relief of having that even offered has meant lots of sunny smiles for both dils. Try not to develop a 'them and us' with your ds feeling he has to stick up for you. We use to call ours the 'outlaws' until I got caught.... families , eh?

I would never expect to go on holiday with my children, they are grown up with their own families. I too am widowed and have always holidayed with friends, however , due to circumstances I have booked to go on my own for a week, also booked a cruise for next year. You seem to be very close to your son and grandchildren, I really wouldn't rock the boat. Have you got a good social life, there is so much to do now for older people on their own. I would love to be involved in my children's life more and have had to realise I never will, so have made myself get out there and not dwell on what I have lost, that makes me sad. Feeling down because this will be the first Christmas on my own, but lots do it and I gave had so many lovely ones. My husband died just after Boxing Day, so I have booed to go out for the day with friends.

Since getting married over thirty years ago I have holidayed every single year with my parents in law - and occasionally my mother has joined us too. BUT, I adore my in laws and have always enjoyed being with them. In the situation you've described I think I would most certainly NOT want to holiday with the wider family.
Once a year I look after my grandsons and give their parents the opportunity to have a holiday alone; it's a win-win situation for everyone. Perhaps you could offer something like that instead?

Perhaps it's the mother's and step-father's treat paddyann?

a lot of entitled grans on here ,I would never expect to go on holiday with my AC,young families need time on their own ,time that isn't always available due to work commitments etc.I knwo when we had a young family and went on holiday( a rare thing) we just wanted to be on our own when the kids were asleep and have acuddle and a glass of wine ,not with our parents there

Your son was not very clever telling you his partner doesn't want you to go. It's just made you feel worse than if the subject of you going had never come up. You'd probably have thought nothing of it if he'd just mentioned they were going away with her parents for a couple of weeks. He's made it more than it needed to be, and driven an even worse wedge between you and his partner. Sometimes less is more when it comes to information sharing

Goodness... if her family want to make a family holiday and include their daughter and her spouse...why on earth can't they do that?

Personally, I'd tell your son it's really not worth causing World War III for, wish them all a very happy holiday (and mean it) and suggest it might be nice if you could go with them another time. Then forget about it, don't keep looking for invitations or putting them on guilt trips. I find it's much easier not to be precious about Christmas, birthdays and holidays. If you're relaxed so are they, making demands just causes so many problems and resentment, it's just not worth it. You'll find you're much more likely to be included if you let go.

I had a week with hubby, son and DIL, and dogs a week ago. She doesn't do family things. Son is heading that way. But the agreement was we did our own things during the day, and sharing a cottage we either did our own things on an evening or shared. Hubby went off for a pint, I did my family history, the others watched tv or read.

I was dreading it but it worked out well. Its difficult to be alone when you so want to be part of a family. Are the inlaws aware of your wanting to go? Maybe they need to be made aware, after all its their holiday too. They could be happy to have you along. Your son needs to put his foot down. Its his holiday as well. If that includes you then so be it.

Aepgirl Its HER parents who are organising it...for THEIR family .His mother isn't part of their family ...why would they invite her ?

I think your son has got to say words to the effect 'if your parents are included, so is my mother'.

Give dgc some holiday spending money ask ask them to send you post card. Thank ds for wanting to include you but decline to keep on good side of dil. You say your son keeps in contact with his cousins. Do you keep in touch with siblings? You could offer to look after dgc so ds and dil could have a romantic weekend break together. I know you feel isolated and excluded but you know your ds a dgc love you. Try to make a friend who you could holiday with.

It would be good to have some feed back on these very supportive comments from annishere.

Anne - as well as the suggestions above, your post sounds as if you're still feeling very lonely after your husband's death, and have no other social contacts.
Do you have many friends, maybe widows or widowers, in the same boat as you? I think there are social groups like that, who sometimes go on holiday together.
My sister lives alone and is always going off somewhere exciting with her group of friends.

Some really sensible advice here Annie but the general consensus seems to be “Don’t Go”! Someone has said you could do harm if you go and I think, unintentionally, you could. But, more importantly, I think you could do a lot more good by not going and not causing any ill-feeling about it.
We had several family holidays with DFiL after he was widowed and thoroughly enjoyed them. We had one with DM and didn’t, so we never repeated it. Our DS threw out a casual invitation to join him and (wonderful) DiL and GS on holiday and that was the last we ever heard of it! We didn’t hold it against anybody and that’s what I’d urge you to try to do.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your DH, that’s obviously still a great loss.

The most important relationships here are with your son and grandchildren. Girls are nearly always closer to their family and it is a different kind of relationship with a son's partner. I think however good the relationship is with a son's partner we cannot be as blunt or outspoken as the girl's mother.I hope that this gets sorted out for you.

It sounds as though you are really missing your husband. What would he have said/done in this situation? Can you do it? It’s lovely that your son is obviously a good lad in wanting you to be included, but I wonder how much time your DiL gets to spend with her folks? Just a thought, but Holiday Fellowship is great for singles - lots of different holiday options and lovely people. Perhaps you could treat yourself to your own holiday whilst they are away?

Anneishere, Of course you are hurt, who wouldn't be? But what I tell myself, if this is any comfort, when people hurt my feelings, is that they know not what they do, because they are lower on the moral continuum than I am. YOU wouldn't treat people the way you have been treated but that's because you're a superior being!

annishere.
To many of us , shoot me down in flames if you wish, our husbands are our rock who support us in the times we need that extra help .Don't blame someone who is not there to defend themselves.
Would you enjoy a holiday with those you see as controlling and are ,to you. heavy drinkers?
Let them have their holiday explain to your son and thank him for his support that you would like a holiday with him and dil and gc and them alone.
This should calm the waters and although you don't seem to see eye to eye with your dil she is the mother of your sons children and it must be difficult pleasing you both. Let them have their holiday and say no more about it You could make things worse.

This holiday is only a suggestion at present and has come from your son's partners parents, this sounds like the first time they have suggested a holiday together with their grandchildren and is exactly what happens with one of our DGC other grandparents. The grandparent role is very much a sharing one if both lots are around - well that is how we find it. I would have been amazed to be asked to tag along, I know all our interests are very different.

If you all got on really well it might work but as you don't seem to let them get on with it, thank your son very much for thinking of you and ask to see/have the DGC some other part of the long school holidays.