Gone off him?

Well if he won’t change just let him get fatter and fatter he will blow himself out sooner than you think. Being fat and good health don’t mix.

Yes, best wishes, tippex. Hope it all works out so you're both happy - and the cats too!

I expect you focused on the cats as you couldn't face taking any action. But now you have some plans.
Good luck.

Thanks again for all the replies. I have started planning. First I think we will stop going to the pub its probably making things worse including his weight management.
I will talk things over and see if we can make a few changes in our routines over the next month.
Then I think I will take a few days break in the new year to see where we are and think about what I really need.
Things may not work out but at least I would have tried.

I was just about to post when I saw MissAdventure had written what I was going to say. Time to sit down and have a long chat. Won't be easy, but if he isn't going to be the one to initiate it, then you have to, tippex50. All the best. I divorced my husband recently after a very long marriage. No kids. I heard he's already remarried - ink hardly dry on the decree absolute. I'm on my own in quite a new place, but thanks to a lot of good friends, getting involved in new activities, and my family who are only about an hour away, I've had a lot of support. I now work part-time from home. It can be done. You've got to be honest with each other though. My ex wasn't honest with me, wasn't man enough. Just went behind my back - not just once either.

Maybe he feels the same about the marriage as you do? You really need to have a heart to heart about what's going on, and where you see yourselves in the future.

Its never been ideal. He has baggage (been abused as a child) and has always been selfish in the bedroom. It didn't seem to matter that much as we had so much more in common and enjoyed life together work,holidays,eating out, hobbies etc. It has changed since I cannot find work since 2012 (cannot go into the details) and soon after got diagnosed with a chronic illness which does not stop me from working now I am being treated. During all of this I set up a business but that took all my savings and failed. So now I am in the s** basically. I think he is punishing me for some reason but I don't know why?

i'm sorry to hear your story it is sad when things don't work out the way we hope or plan. I'm not sure where to run to thats the problem. I have no job and no money.

Hi it is real. I am very unhappy with how things are working out in my marriage. I am not the sort of person (I know that sounds strange) to be married and I am now thinking I made a mistake. The cats are very real, I don't have any children so they are my family. I am not worried about the house or money even though I have just lost £250k in the last five years. It is just about the every day reality of life.

Sorry but I m not sure this is real it sounds so lacking in any emotion .....now you don’t want to leave because of cats!!
Birene keep up Tippex made a second post alluding to her three cats being a reason to stay together

Tippex you say ‘I just can’t stand the sight of him’ you re actually sounding quite mean and I m starting to feel sorry for the poor bloke perhaps he’s eating because you make HIM unhappy

Cats? What cats? I can't see any mention of said felines in Tippex's original question. Is it possible that I have a truncated version and some of it is missing?
I suggest you ask your husband/ partner if he is happy with your relationship. He may not be and may not have been for quite some time - which just may have something to do with his weight gain. This may not be all about you, Tippex.
Ask him.

tippex, you say you need a break, so start there. Book a week's holiday if you can afford it, or go to visit an old school friend or drive to the nearest affordable B&B.

When you get there sit down and find out what the problem is. I understand very well why you don't want to live with a selfish man - but I have to ask, has he always been selfish? If not when did it start?

Perhaps the real problem is something you don't feel comfortable airing here, but you will need to find someone to speak to honestly about it. Is "going to the pub" a "nice" way of saying that your husband drinks too much, or is an alcoholic?

If the answer to that is "yes" - then "run, rabbit, run rabbit, run, run, run". There are only two reasons for staying with an alcoholic and they are:
he or she wants to control their addiction and is taking steps to do so
You love him or her too much to even think of leaving.

If you decide you want a divorce then get to a solicitor and start looking for a flat or a house to rent where you may keep your cats!

Good luck, it's a h...ish situation, but things will get better once you make a decision and start acting upon it, but honestly, they won't get better if you do nothing.

You say 15 years is a long while, but you have been unhappy for around a third of that time, and moved into a separate bedroom a couple of years ago. It doesn’t sound as though matters are improving. Why did your feelings start to change? (your husband was presumably slimmer 5 years ago!) If after careful thought you feel your husband now has no redeeming qualities, I would be wary of staying, just because it is difficult to leave.

I separated from my first husband, and it took me around 18 months to gather myself together and take the plunge (with 2 very young children - and a cat!). It isn’t easy, but what finally decided me was the thought that I really didn’t want to spend the rest of my life in this situation, and although it would be difficult on my own, I would at least be in control of my own life. I wish you luck, whatever you decide.

After my first marriage ended, I read that 'when you're not in a relationship, tomorrow is another day - when you're in an unhappy relationship, tomorrow is the same day'.

Think on that, tippex, loneliness can be addressed don't be put off by that possibility.

As well as the possibility of divorce, carefully consider that you may face a lonelier future which is just as bad as being unhappy as you now are. It is not easy to find a new partner after divorce.

I ‘went off’ my husband 19 years ago . He had a stroke couple years before that at age 49.... not a bad stroke just a ‘slight’ one. But because of nature of his job which was his life ( not me or two kids) he could work at it anymore. He has refused to work from that day to this! I had to go full -time ...come home to nothing done in house...then I’d start dinner..washing.... ironing. I did/do the gardening ..the decorating. . In fact if you can think of a job in or outside house...I do it. I retired three years ago and because he lost my wages he demanded my state pension. I stood up to this bully and said NO! He wanted to give me £20 a week pocket money . Told him to shove his plans where he sun don’t shine!I wanted to divorce bit the price we’d get for house would not cover two separate properties ... and I wasn’t prepared to rent and lower my lifestyle anymore than is had to with him not working AND not claiming benefit!! My last 20 years has been a long nightmare..... so tippex50 ... run..run...run. Don’t be scared like I was , run far and fast, it will NEVER get better.

Make two lists. One of things you like about him and one of the things you don't like. Weigh up the pros and cons.

Be careful though. I started like that but ended up with a list called '100 things I hate about my husband but daren't say'. Number 1 was 'I hate the way you breathe'. I didn't want him to stop breathing (well not at that point) but he was such a noisy breather it drove me insane.

I'm so sorry that you feel this way about your other half- it must be awful when you have shared years together. The fact that you are asking others what they think to me says that you still want the relationship to work and IT CAN. It would sadden me if my husband went off me because I had put weight on. Is it difficult to talk about things? I would try and remember why you fell in love in the first place, I would try and focus each day on one positive thing about him and tell him!! I know this sounds radical but even on the worst days is there one positive thing you could say. I have known this to change both peoples feelings towards one another. You might begin to see positive rather than negative things, and he might also respond to that . I really hope that can work things out rather than loose what you have had in the past and could have in the future. Please seek advice/counselling even just for yourself before you let go all that you have had in the past. The grass isn't always greener on the on the other side. You may live to regret it. Take some action first so that you know that at least you have done all that you could. Hope you manage to resolve it and work things out.

Well I have heard of people staying together for the children to but never the cats! Could you not take them with you if you leave?

Sorry folk Where do cats come into this?

princesspamma
There are many things in life we don't understand.
Were it so simple that we were able to understand everything that was presented to us.
Only when you have walked a mile in anothers shoes can you be expected to understand the feelings of or how another presents their feelings.If a person is seeking quidance is it necessary to question /nit pick in what order or format it is presented.?For pities sake it is a cry for help.

Make a plan to leave. Save money into a separate escape account. Make new friends at U3A and other activities. Get advice from the CAB. See a solicitor on family relationships for a free half hour. Make your plan. Only tell those who will help you and not very many in all. The solicitor will advise how to go through the court procedures which as someone said will result in house being divided between you and if at that stage he still won't buy you out it will be sold. You will then be free.

Tippex 50
You appeared to' go off ' your husband two years ago when you chose not to sleep together.
Food can be a comfort when other things are missing from a relationship.That you still continue as a couple in other ways, shopping going to the pub, is not unusual. I have a friend who lived for twenty years like this until her husband passed away.The marriage just grew stale.Do you see your husband as you did the day you wed.?I don't know how old you are but it sounds not yet ready for a life without affection.
Relate or cab is the only way out of this unhappysituation.
I feel for you.

If you really hate this man then why are you still socialising with him! Even though living in the same house still, you could be building up your own independent life, buying and preparing your own food etc. That would show him you are serious about separating. Get legal advice and decide how you want to go forward...or make an effort to redeem the partnership.

Dear tippex50

Ask yourself "Would I still want to spend the rest of your life with this man if he lost weight?"

If the answer is no, then it's not the weight that is the issue but the relationship itself.

Have you offered to help him get some of the weight off? There are lots of ways to cut calories without going on extreme diets. Perhaps he senses that you don't care for him anymore and has been eating to cheer himself up.

By the way, going to the pub - together or separately - won't help his weight. Alcohol is full of calories.

Good luck with it all.