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Gone off him?

(42 Posts)
tippex50 Mon 20-Nov-17 16:07:15

I think I have gone off my other half? I don't know what to do but I think I am starting to hate him. Its not fair but he is so fat and selfish. What should I do? I asked him to buy me out but he said no! I'm not sure I can carry on like this he is getting fatter and fatter every day. We have had separate rooms for two years but still go to the pub and shop together but that is about it. Can I change whats happening?

vampirequeen Mon 20-Nov-17 16:29:03

Get legal advice. Just because he refuses to buy you out doesn't mean you have to stay together. If you get a divorce the finances will be split and if that means selling the house then so be it. He will simply have to move.

NotTooOld Mon 20-Nov-17 16:54:46

You can get free legal advice from the CAB, I believe. Be sure you are doing the right thing before you go down that route, though. Might you be lonely on your own?

MissAdventure Mon 20-Nov-17 17:07:13

Is it mostly his weight that is getting you down? Does he realise how you feel?

judypark Mon 20-Nov-17 17:10:59

If he slimmed down would you fancy/ love him again? The above advice is good.
It does sound as if this marriage has run its course.

Startingover16 Mon 20-Nov-17 18:12:39

How long have you been married? Would some time away from each other be a start?

Bluegal Mon 20-Nov-17 18:29:03

If you are really serious about divorce, your husband won’t have any choice but to either buy you out or sell the marital home (assuming you don’t have dependent children)

Just don’t be too hasty. Most relationships change over time. If you feel you want to be free because you crave the early feelings of love - and hope to meet someone else. Think carefully- sometimes the devil you know is less stressful! For instance you say you go to the pub and shopping together- some don’t even get that!

I would take up other suggestion first - have a break away. Make a list of pluses and minuses. What you WOULD miss about your marriage

If you feel you may just kill DH or want to go it alone then see a solicitor but I kind of feel you don’t want to be alone otherwise you could just go on living separate lives under the same roof. I think you are feeling taken for granted and unloved and want to feel this again? so maybe a serious talk with Dh is in order?

Good luck

Luckygirl Mon 20-Nov-17 18:36:26

You go shopping together?!!! Wow!

Grannyknot Mon 20-Nov-17 19:37:30

Lucky that's not so strange ...? I often smile to myself when I see couples of a certain age in the supermarket, and the man looks so dutiful - and the woman so purposeful....

chelseababy Mon 20-Nov-17 20:55:09

Are you married - you say other half?

BlueBelle Mon 20-Nov-17 21:46:26

Is this for real ?
Do you really stop loving someone because they ve put weight on ? hates a pretty strong word for a marriage partner
If someone has a weight problem should they be going to the pub ( obviously to drink fattening alcohol)

vampirequeen Tue 21-Nov-17 08:01:45

The OP also talks about her other half as being selfish. Perhaps the weight issue isn't as important but grates on her because it's visible.

tippex50 Tue 21-Nov-17 09:43:25

Lots of good replies. Thanks. I think the point of the weight issue being visible is a good point. Maybe I just can't stand the sight of him so the weight is what i am picking up on. Lots for me to ruminate on. I might need a break away from him for a while to think this over . Divorce is possible but we have three cats so I need to make sure they are OK and looked after. 15 years is a long time and I was so happy at first its jut the last four or five years.

radicalnan Tue 21-Nov-17 09:54:59

People get fat when they are miserable, maybe you could both come out of this better than you are now. I must say your priority being the cats stymies me a bit, a husband that you have had for quite some time seems to be running second to them, maybe he feels that all is not well. there is a lot of comfort to be had in food.

Marriage is very different over time, love changes and people age, that is what all the 'richer or poorer, in sickness and in health' bit is for.

Coconut Tue 21-Nov-17 10:17:36

Life is far too short to be unhappy, and you cannot stay with someone because of the cats ! Do you talk openly to him about how you feel re his weight etc ? Would marriage guidance help ? If you know in your heart that you have tried everything to make it work, then that’s the time to walk away. Resentment erodes love over a period of time, both of your feelings matter so if nothing works, be brave, seek advice re the house and try and find happiness elsewhere .... otherwise, what are we here for ?

princesspamma Tue 21-Nov-17 10:41:22

Is this a real post? I'm not being sarcastic, but it doesn't feel real. Obviously everyone's feelings are valid, but poster is focussing on what would seem like the lesser things - he's too fat and who will have the cats. Really??

W11girl Tue 21-Nov-17 10:45:27

My husband is "fat"...but he is far from selfish! Selfish can be a good ground for divorce, depending on the level of it...but "fat"..mmm... My husband and I do not shop together and I don't go to the pub...we have completley different lifestyles but respect each other and are still very happy. I haven't heard your husband's side of the situation, have you? Tread carefully, the grass isn't always greener on the other side!

Ramblingrose22 Tue 21-Nov-17 10:54:58

Dear tippex50

Ask yourself "Would I still want to spend the rest of your life with this man if he lost weight?"

If the answer is no, then it's not the weight that is the issue but the relationship itself.

Have you offered to help him get some of the weight off? There are lots of ways to cut calories without going on extreme diets. Perhaps he senses that you don't care for him anymore and has been eating to cheer himself up.

By the way, going to the pub - together or separately - won't help his weight. Alcohol is full of calories.

Good luck with it all.

quizqueen Tue 21-Nov-17 11:17:02

If you really hate this man then why are you still socialising with him! Even though living in the same house still, you could be building up your own independent life, buying and preparing your own food etc. That would show him you are serious about separating. Get legal advice and decide how you want to go forward...or make an effort to redeem the partnership.

sarahellenwhitney Tue 21-Nov-17 11:55:57

Tippex 50
You appeared to' go off ' your husband two years ago when you chose not to sleep together.
Food can be a comfort when other things are missing from a relationship.That you still continue as a couple in other ways, shopping going to the pub, is not unusual. I have a friend who lived for twenty years like this until her husband passed away.The marriage just grew stale.Do you see your husband as you did the day you wed.?I don't know how old you are but it sounds not yet ready for a life without affection.
Relate or cab is the only way out of this unhappysituation.
I feel for you.

EmilyHarburn Tue 21-Nov-17 11:56:18

Make a plan to leave. Save money into a separate escape account. Make new friends at U3A and other activities. Get advice from the CAB. See a solicitor on family relationships for a free half hour. Make your plan. Only tell those who will help you and not very many in all. The solicitor will advise how to go through the court procedures which as someone said will result in house being divided between you and if at that stage he still won't buy you out it will be sold. You will then be free.

sarahellenwhitney Tue 21-Nov-17 12:17:38

There are many things in life we don't understand.
Were it so simple that we were able to understand everything that was presented to us.
Only when you have walked a mile in anothers shoes can you be expected to understand the feelings of or how another presents their feelings.If a person is seeking quidance is it necessary to question /nit pick in what order or format it is presented.?For pities sake it is a cry for help. sad

sarahellenwhitney Tue 21-Nov-17 12:38:15

Sorry folk hmmWhere do cats come into this?

marionk Tue 21-Nov-17 12:46:48

Well I have heard of people staying together for the children to but never the cats! Could you not take them with you if you leave?

Trinity Tue 21-Nov-17 13:11:24

I'm so sorry that you feel this way about your other half- it must be awful when you have shared years together. The fact that you are asking others what they think to me says that you still want the relationship to work and IT CAN. It would sadden me if my husband went off me because I had put weight on. Is it difficult to talk about things? I would try and remember why you fell in love in the first place, I would try and focus each day on one positive thing about him and tell him!! I know this sounds radical but even on the worst days is there one positive thing you could say. I have known this to change both peoples feelings towards one another. You might begin to see positive rather than negative things, and he might also respond to that . I really hope that can work things out rather than loose what you have had in the past and could have in the future. Please seek advice/counselling even just for yourself before you let go all that you have had in the past. The grass isn't always greener on the on the other side. You may live to regret it. Take some action first so that you know that at least you have done all that you could. Hope you manage to resolve it and work things out.