Lazy husband......

??? you made my day, some men do have to have it spelt out for them mine included ???

I have come to the conclusion that a lot of men do household tasks really, really badly or not at all to make the point that it's not actually their job. No matter how many times info is provided, demos given, reminders and lists made it doesn't seem to make any difference. Nor does it seem to matter that you may be working much longer hours or that they have plenty of time to do what is needed.

Is it passive aggressive behaviour, well developed domestic blindness, genuine incompetence or just "not my job syndrome" ??? I don't know. Years ago I watched a UK late night telly show where someone stated that men were only needed for sex and DIY. Probably true. If they're no good at either of those then....?????

He also vacuums much more thoroughly than me. He rarely sit and watches TV and I find it quite hard to relax with him rushing about!

WELL we are the complete opposite. My H is neat and tidy to the point of OCD and complains if I leave a jumper on a chair or dont shut a drawer properly. I get furious when I know where I've left things and he tidies them away so I can't find them!! He's a whirlwind - has to be always doing things whereas I'm much more lazy. He doesn't cook though, unfortunately.
So it isn't all men!
Actually I think your DH sounds quite sweet - he asks if he can help, and does it when asked. What's to complain about?

OMG all these 'useless' hubbies sound just like my 24-year-old DD! She is (mostly) very willing to do jobs if asked but doesn't do anything if not explicitly asked - blames ADHD/dyspraxia

I don't think it is an inbuilt male thing. I think perhaps some men aren't so concerned about everything being just so - but that can probably apply to some women too. I do think women tend to feel more responsible for keeping on top of housework, whereas men tend to do things when they feel like doing them - a generalisation I know and of course not applicable to all men and all women. My husband is much quicker and more capable than me at getting chores done and organising things, once he sets his mind to it.

I'm sure it must be annoying to have to give directions to get help but, if it were me, I would write out a list rather than have to do it all myself.

But your posts did make me laugh MesMopTop, especially the tomato plants tied up like hostages. Thank you for that very funny image.

Perhaps that should read " get him to get a white board and pen"

My (very sensible and hard working) daughter had a good moan to me about her husband not doing anything around the home. I told her to write a list and stick it on the fridge door. It worked a treat and she said 'why haven't I done that before?'

MesMopTop, it sounds as though your husband needs jobs allocating to him that are his on a permanent basis. If you are working, he should have your dinner ready for you and then clear up afterwards.

My husband does the ironing, the vaccuming and we cook on alternate evenings. He is not very good at cleaning into corners and just doesn't see dust but hey ho, he's ok!

We moved our furniture round on Sunday in preparation for the invasion of family at Christmas and putting up the tree. The sofa I always sat on which is squashy and comfy is now in the place where his sofa which is harder was and vice versa. I did say it would mean we'd have to swap places on a night but of course that hasn't happened so I come back in from the washing up etc to find him sprawled in my lovely comfy corner and I end up sitting bolt upright on the other one - last night the cat had even taken that seat! We also moved the table that was at the side of him and which was piled with papers, his phones, the remotes, his 4 or 5 pairs of glasses, his iPad, and all the cables not to mention the crumbs that accumulated around it so now he's reduced to a tiny stand that only holds his glasses - the rest is in the drawer of the table we moved but at least it's out of sight No doubt my desk causes him as much angst but at least it's MY mess!

In defence of husbands, mine will turn his hand to most things if needed. He does all the cooking and shopping, all the maintenance on our old house and recently did all the chores after I had an accident. Just to redress the balance a little.

BlueBelle, you’ve nailed it I think. It IS an ‘inbuilt male thing’ with many men. Hardwired into the male ststem since the days cavemen went out in silent groups to hunt and bring back the woolly mammoth or whatever to the womenfolk whose role was to keep the kids and old people happy inside the cave. Or wherever.
So women are much better at talking too. After many years of doing therapy, I’ve had endless couples where one complains ‘how am I supposed to just guess what you want? I’m not a mind reader!’ And that person is usually - you’ve guessed it - male. But the human race wouldn’t have survived without those dead woolly mammoths and sabre-toothed tigers! We’d have perished long ago.

oh dear, we are both accumulating some 'stuff' around our chairs; I was thinking we have to have a tidy up before Christmas. My 'stuff' is useful, though, whereas his is just 'stuff'
And I can't see the dining room table, it is covered with craft work (mine)

Oh yes, I know that feeling well. Give out instructions and they will be happy to go and do the task. Can's see were the cleaning / tidying needs doing them selfs.

Mine does nothing. He will happily pay for a cleaner, but won’t even put a plate in the dishwasher. I can deal with that, but his habit of accumulating piles of “stuff” all around his chair in the sitting room and the dining room drive me mad. We only use the dining room at Christmas and the huge pile of things he had to clear out of there last year are still sitting in two piles in his bedroom. Where he is going to put this years haul I have no idea!

MesMopTop ha ha you have given me a good laugh!

I laughed when I read about the washing on the line - DH is very capable and does like to keep busy but has taken to 'hovering' and 'helping'. Sometimes I would like help but other times it just feels like 'interfering'.
The washing on the line syndrome: towels, jeans etc on the inside and knickers waving like flags on the outside sounds familiar
'If you wash up, darling, please could you not wash plastic boxes/glasses after the greasy pans because grease clings to plastic and leaves glass smeary'? Falls on deaf ears.
And getting home after a busy day out - 'I didn't get a meal because I didn't know what we were having'.
And the knots - he gets exasperated when I use a granny knot and shows me endless complicated seamen's knots! 'You were in the Girl Guides, what's wrong with you?' he asks!

Well, you will have to write a list of 'Daily Orders' and cooking instructions - ending with a couple of XX!

In my experience, as mother of 2 DSs and as a long suffering DW (that's Dear Wife...) all three males need instructions. All very willing but not a clue as to what needs doing till you tell 'em. Both DiLs confirm that things haven't altered since they left home. Must be a male thing, just as knowing how to is clearly a female thing.

PS: I just wonder how trans males get on. Do they instantly get the hang of it? Thought not....

Are you sure you didn't sneek in to my house and steal my husband! This is him all over. An intelligent and kind man, he really would give me his last rolo! BUT....he does nothing unless forced to!! Sometimes I'm scared to go out of the house for an afternoon in case I come back to devastation (untidiness etc). I don't think he knows where his clothes cupboard is!! I have tried many times to "alter" his ways but no joy! The only way round it for me is not being available when he wants us to go out together, I usually say "sorry got to do the household chores"...he sees the error of his ways and helps!! Fortunately he likes to go out a lot!!

If he does all you want done if you give him a list - Well give him a list!
Sorry but if he's never going to think of doing things without you telling him then, to me, it seems the only way.
But I enjoyed reading your post - so keep posting and making us smile {smile]

Choose your battles Mesmoptop concentrate on the issue which concerns you most and talk it through with your husband and try to resolve things.
Sounds like you are getting stressed about this but can still see the funny side, there are lots of positives in your relationship I'm sure so don't let the other stuff take over.

Blimey! Watching telly at 2.30 in the morning? ?

Bless all these ‘ useless’ (meant in the nicest way) men It’s an inbuilt male thing I watch my grandson being ‘shown’ how to do things by his younger sister The best came one night when his friend was coming to stay His mum had bought him a futon and it needed to be put together before the nights sleep She left it to the two boys Well if you have seen them trying to sort it out, which way round, whether the screws went on the right or left in between joking, slapping each other, throwing bits of packaging around and scratching their heads They got in a right old muddle called on younger sister to help She looked at the diagram instructions told them to turn this bit that way these screws on the left those on the right Ten minutes later it was all organised and up The best bit is the friend is at college doing an engineering course

Haha that has made me laugh this morning! My husband is either lazy or bored - I can't tell which but some things he does drive me mad. Clearing the table when I've not finished eating, rinsing the cloth under the tap to wipe said table and worktops and anything else in range rather than filling sink with soapy water. He'll then say I'm in the way aren't I and disappear to the tv. Leaving his coat over the back of the dining chair instead of hanging it up every night. Grumbling about any job I mention might need doing and finally doing it with bad grace and lots of sweating but he's got OCD so it has to be right. He has no idea how to use the washer, drier, dishwasher or the iron. In other words he's a typical man but he'd go to the ends of the earth for his family (and has done), has worked hard all his life to provide for us and wouldn't hesitate to give the shirt off his back if someone needed help. He's my rock, he makes me laugh nearly every day, always insists on driving if we go out and I'd be lost without him. Now I'd better go upstairs and pick his clothes up off the floor

Is he lazy or just confused? Men of a certain age were brought up to go to work and the home was another planet run by women. Does he genuinely not know what needs doing and how to do it? We run homes almost by second nature because most of us were brought up to see it as our job. We know there are many jobs and prioritise accordingly which means things get done. Perhaps he can't see the wood for the trees.

The star chart sounds fun! I wonder what would happen if the remote went missing on evening? He does want to help, that's a big plus.

You know what, the fact he does the chores willingly when told what to do, says it all Some men do need a whole list of instructions ....... so keep going with the pen and paper my ex was never around, to ask to do anything he would be anywhere but home
Great post and made me smile I love Suzied idea of a star chart maybe add a naughty step if he doesn’t do them
He sounds a kind and sweet man