Mother in Law

I assume that you paddyann and you Gemmag have very difficult and spiteful mothers-in-law? If you have and you never get exasperated or feel that you're at the end of your tether, then you must be made of sterner stuff than the average person.

It appears that annemarie has had 44 years of a demanding and selfish mother-in-law and, in my view, it is quite understandable that she is venting her frustration on here.

I agree that as the elderly lady concerned is 95 it wouldn't be kind to create, or worth creating, a fuss about her behaviour now. Neither the husband nor his mother are likely to change after all these years of him dancing attendance - trying to tackle it now will only cause more upset.

For goodness sake, you’re talking about a woman who’s 95........ I’m with Paddyann, she’s not going to be around for much longer so support your husband as it sounds as if he too has had enough and is stressed hence the aggression towards you.

I agree with all the comments here that things are unlikely to change now given MIL is 95 and you have been married for 44 years. As Butterflykisses advises, just hang on in there as time will resolve matters in the near future. I don't think I could change my ways or engage in a difficult debate when I'm 95 so I doing my very best with my own DIL at the moment! It is not easy when the family live so far away and she is such a strong character but we just have to do the best we can.

I was going to ask same question as Baggs, is your husband wanting you to help him out with all this and he’s finding it frustrating when you don’t.

I feel so sorry for you ... 44 years is a long time to put up with this. However, as others have said, she is 95 and time is running out. If you insist on your hubby pulling away, when she dies he will feel guilty that he has. Hold on in there - let him see her as and when he likes, it won’t be for long and he will appreciate your support now and after and find his grief easier to cope with.
Moan on here and to friends and do things you like to do when he goes to see her..... keep your pecker up, you’re the better person. Lots of love ?

Hi, I have every sympathy for you as this woman sounds exactly like my own mother.
My mother has narcissistic personality disorder.
There are some interesting articles and help in how to deal with such people.
Now I understand why my mother is so vile I no longer try and please her as I now know a narcissistic will never be pleased.

My MiL was just the same, always criticising our children and moaning if things didn't always go her way. Fortunately my husband stood up to her at times but that always made me feel bad as I hate bad feeling. Most of the rows we have had over 50 years of marriage have been about her. We lived abroad so she used to come and stay for weeks at a time and I was on my best behaviour the whole time. She lived to be 103 and was never happy.

Well she's 95 years old , what can you do have a knock down argument ? It's not going to go on much longer just let your husband enjoy having his mother while he can.

Every family has its own internal culture and when there is a fundemental culture clash it is often irredeemable. Romantic love allows us to by pass that for ourselves but the rest of the family aren't always as easily removed from what works for them. Just allow your OH to sort his/her family it is a hiden code which is hard to understand but it is part of them.

My MiL was just the same.. miserable sod as my hubby is now! She was always criticising the way I brought up my kids, especially my daughter who was frequently in hospital with asthma!! My fault apparently! When I explained my son was brought up exactly the same way and hasn't had a days illness since he was 13 (now 36 ) she didn't say a word. But she did keep 'jabbing' at me throughout the whole of our relationship. My hubby ALWAYS came down on her side. Because of that I have absolutely no respect left for him now. He doesn't seem to mind. His whole family are insulated by the knowledge that how they behave is correct and the majority of civilised people are all wrongheaded.Its a difficult , nay impossible reality to live with.So.... what to do.... cut them out of your life ( it's much too short) and tell them why. You must always give as good as you get...I didn't always do that... and for that reason I disrespect myself as well!! But i found my gumption at 62 !?!? And all the rest of them can ...as my mum used to say...."go to hell in a handcart". Stay away from poisonous people , they'll make you poisonous as well if you let them.

gilly, what a very silly woman your mom has been, she could have had another "son" instead, because of jelousy, she decided to hate. You are the better person, despite everything she has done, you never turned your back. You deserve the wonderful husband you have, he obviously thinks that about you.

Bullying people who try to control the family with nastiness are far from unusual, sadly . Horrible for you - and what a lot of wasted years. After twenty years plus of a nightmare MiL (and I acknowledge I am far from perfect and must have annoyed her - but never deliberately) I decided to cut all ties and keep away from her. It wasn't easy but at least the sniping, spiteful personal remarks, unkindness to my parents, constant criticism of me, the children, and quite often my DH etc. were never in my sight or hearing. What makes some people like this? I resolved that whoever my children chose I would love them, and never make life hard for them. In that way I suppose she did lose out badly - large chunks of family life didn't include her and she never did see her great grandchildren.

I have 2 mothers in law and neither of them liked me either
The first one said when i divorced my husband for cruelty and mental cruely,said i had left him to have a good time,
Well yes, a better time than i had with him,
The second time,my mother in law who only had 1 son, kept telling me to look after him, not a word about looking after each other,
Also when i had twins to him, she said she would never recognise them as her grandchildren, as she was very close to his children from his fiorst marriage
She kept true to her word too, she had a wealthy brother who lived in Australia, and when he died the first lot of grandchildren were left a lot of money, she nor their father had told the uncle she had 2 more grandchildren, and when she died mine got nothing
Iwouldnt care but he was as bad to her as he was to me,
I divorced him foe unreasonable behaviour
My twins dont bother with him, as he would say he would see them and not turn up,and he has never paid a penny towards them, in those days there was no CSA

I have the exact same problem but it is my poor husband who has always been greatly disliked by my mother. She has controlled me emotionally my whole life and has always viewed him as a threat. Despite our 35 years of marriage, she has been a nightmare throughout. She lives the other side of the world now (thankfully!) but has been viciously unpleasant to him. He has been wonderful, letting me go to her regularly, she is now in a care home and although I love her, it will be a relief when it ends (she is 95 too). How she finds the energy to hate at her age I fail to understand.

Marriage broke down.

MIL and there sons is a very dodgy subject, there the apple of their mums eye, so are very obsessive with their boys. Have a couple of friends who went through the same thing.
One friends broke down because of the situation.

She is 95 and only one son bothers with her, perhaps she is a bit lonely and no doubt frail. Can't you just go and have a chat with her and find out how much help she needs, her days are numbered, perhaps a carer part time might be the answer. My mil was difficult, asked too much if her son, he died before both parents we helped all the time, but I had decided early on my husband was not doing it alone, both of us took half the time. Sometimes it is better when an unkind comment is made, to ask why she found it necessary to say such a thing, it hurts. It becomes a habit. It worked for me.

I suffered from an oh so critical FIL and then felt very cynical when it was me sitting my his bed as he died. My OH was allotted certain tasks, he visited FIL on his own, I gave support to DH, never criticising his father but thanking my lucky stars now as I found DH had a secret plan to move him in with us! I do not think FIL would have come. Your DH is probably worrying about what the future holds, you need to bring it out in the open but stand your ground.

Your husband has enabled his Mother to treat his family badly, her selfish behaviour has been unchallenged and I agree with others it’s prob too late for her to change. Show your husband this thread if you have been unable to discuss the effects with him, he has no right to be grumpy with you. I hate rows, ill feeling etc but I am all for assertiveness, and letting others know in a calm but direct way, that their behaviour is both unacceptable and unreasonable. Respect has to be earned by us all, it’s not freely given to anyone, so no wonder your children stay away from her, why would they choose to be criticised and moaned at.

I read this post as I am in a mirror image of you. Yesterday I went to see my 95 yr old mother in law who like you I have known since I met my husband at 16 .she is a nightmare and has always caused trouble in our marriage. Now needing me goes from being needy to nasty in seconds. Trying now to use past examples to get us emotionally to do for her. She said some nasty things to my husband yesterday and he flipped! Wasted a whole day on the phone back and forth but feel now some sort of line has been drawn. My sons don't visit as can't stand her. Speak now and get your marriage back on track. Good luck xxx

I wouldn't cut a woman of her age off from her son and I wouldn't have it out with her. Your husband will resent you if you make him drop his mother and do less. I sympathise because I had an awful mother in law and father in law, they didn't like each other and they never bothered with their grandchildren either or liked their other daughter and son in law, so it wasn't just me. It just is the most rotten piece of luck for you when you discover your in laws are like that. Just do no harm and try to do good turns for piece of mind. It is all you can do. My husband did blank his parents for years as he saw them for what they were, however we decided to speak again and make the best of it. I was glad of that when they died.

In my defence Paddyann I have always tried to be fair and acknowledge S's failings as well as his attributes but didn't want to go into anymore detail. Enough said.

now thats where you have gone wrong ...you assume its ALL her fault*NANKATE8 surely you know that it takes two and one side of the story is never the whole picture.I NEVER take sides,its the best way

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I had similar trouble. First I wasn't German, then I didn't have a plot of land to build on ( apparently the neighbour's daughter did!) then all the wrong things the children did was due to how I brought them up.
Any way one Christmas after buying the wrong present yet again DD2 turned to me and said give up Mum you can't win. And suddenly I did. From then on I just supplied the things she needed but that was all and she died aged 98 and I didn't shed one tear.
I sold all her gold bangles and necklaces at the gold exchange and danced all the way home! It was ugly jewellery.

But I have learned how to be a mother in law and have a good relationship to both my sons in law.