Mother in Law

There is quite a lot of discussion on here about cutting people out of your life completely, either as a last option, or 'punishment' for some real or imagined hurts.
All sides have been put forward, and everyone seems to have quite differing opinions on what is the right thing to do.. She is 95. There must be light at the end of the tunnel, maybe? Could you consider cutting her out totally of your lives, or agree on how much time and emotional input you both feel is reasonable?

She's not going to change - I doubt that the power she has over your husband is going to diminish - he'd feel too guilty - you have the support of the rest of your family and as MissAventure hints - surely not long now?
I would advise ensuring that your marriage doesn't suffer - talk gently to your husband & tell him you understand. Don't let your MIL come between you - don't let her win after all these years - good luck.

I agree with dbDB don't let things get on top of you now. Can your husband reduce his visits or the amount of time he spends with her.
Talk about it, perhaps your husband doesn't fully understand the impact on all of you.
Good luck.

After 44 years maybe its time for you to have a frank chat with her. After all, it doesn't sound like the situation could get much worse.

Id sit down with my husband and tell him how you're feeling and ask him how he feels about it?

She sounds like she depends on you both so maybe a bit of a shock in that you wont tolerate her behaviour any more might make a difference.

My MiL hated me before we even met - no one would have been good enough for her 'boy' . I soldiered on for years trying to be what she wanted and making myself miserable in the process.

A series of events brought me to the place where I say my husband down and explained that he could see her any time I was at work. He could take our daughters over any time she wanted to see them but I was not going over to be her whipping boy anymore.

I disliked her and she disliked me.

Luckily, he understood and had seen how hard I had tried and that was that. They met up , he did her chores etc and then when we were off at the weekend it was time for our family. I didn't have to let myself get abused just to keep the peace.

Worked a treat.

I hope you can find a solution too.

I agree. Distance yourself from her; but leave your OH to do what he feels he has to do.

I am wondering what exactly you mean when you say OH is becoming aggressive towards you - I hope this is only verbally.

Does your husband want you to help him with his mother?

My mum had the same situation with her MiL. Dad had two brothers who lived away and a sister living close but it was always dad she expected to do things for her.
Mum and her didn't get on from day one. As far as I remember it had always been that dad and I would visit alone and the arrangement worked the same as N&G's. When she moved to a sheltered complex within walking distance of mum and dad's house she would walk down on a Sunday morning to see dad and they would sit in the garden, she never came in the house where mum was.

Your hubby must be full of guilt regarding his mother sit down with him and tell him you are not going to be involved with her anymore as you have put up with her dislike of you for far too long.
Stick to the week-ends for your family time,is there any chance that the other son can visit her during a week-end.

If she’s always been like that she’s not going to change. She sounds like my MiL. I got fed up with my MILs rants about all and sundry including me, that I refuse to see her except at arms length, if theres a family event where there are going to be a few of us and we can’t avoid inviting her. I can have a conversation with someone else rather than listen to her prattling on and just be polite and smiling saying hello and goodbye . At 96, she has become very frail and my OH is her main carer, though she has some paid help, he sees her daily and nearly always comes back from a visit completely wound up by some spiteful or vicious thing she’s said to him. I would obviously help in an emergency but can’t cope with a daily dose of nastiness.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this and that it seems to be getting worse. But, imo, your main problem now is dh. Like Luckygirl, I'm wondering what you mean when you say he's "getting aggressive." I also wonder what about? Does he want you to help out more with mil? To show more sympathy for his issues with her? Or does he just act "aggressive" towards you after a visit with her? Or what?

Oh my word you may as well have written about me and my mil . Such a similar story. The first words she ever spoke to me aged 15 was " can't you do anything about those spots on your face " in a full restaurant of her family . The sharp intake of breath was quite loud from everyone. I hated her ever since and we had a very up and down relationship . I could write a book about the horrible nasty things she has said and done to me over the 45 years She was in my life. She passed away earlier this year aged 97 and then I relaxed as I knew she could never hurt me again.
Just stay away .....but never ever say anything good or bad about her to hubby as it will only get twisted into something negative, that's how I started dealing with her after saying enough is enough a few years ago.

she's old ,she wont be around for ever,why not be the bigger person and help your OH with her care? If not for her then for HIM...I 'm not a person who ever holds grudges so I find this hard to understand.People say things that annoy or upset...thats what people do,you just let it go over your head and smile .I hope your OH isn't stressing himself too much over his MUM....whatever she does she will always be his mum.Try to remember that when you sound off.

Turn the tables on her if you have the gumption.

Go along and help your DH with her care. Paste a smile on and chat away to her and totally ignore any nastiness. If she is a nasty piece of work then doubtless she’ll snipe at you behind your back to your DH, but that will turn back on her if you are being helpful. Also your poor DH is caught between the proverbial rock and....so don’t you be the one pushing against him from the other side. Even better, coerce, bribe, blackmail, bully your children into visiting too.

She won’t last much longer I imagine.

I had similar trouble. First I wasn't German, then I didn't have a plot of land to build on ( apparently the neighbour's daughter did!) then all the wrong things the children did was due to how I brought them up.
Any way one Christmas after buying the wrong present yet again DD2 turned to me and said give up Mum you can't win. And suddenly I did. From then on I just supplied the things she needed but that was all and she died aged 98 and I didn't shed one tear.
I sold all her gold bangles and necklaces at the gold exchange and danced all the way home! It was ugly jewellery.

But I have learned how to be a mother in law and have a good relationship to both my sons in law.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

now thats where you have gone wrong ...you assume its ALL her fault*NANKATE8 surely you know that it takes two and one side of the story is never the whole picture.I NEVER take sides,its the best way

In my defence Paddyann I have always tried to be fair and acknowledge S's failings as well as his attributes but didn't want to go into anymore detail. Enough said.

I wouldn't cut a woman of her age off from her son and I wouldn't have it out with her. Your husband will resent you if you make him drop his mother and do less. I sympathise because I had an awful mother in law and father in law, they didn't like each other and they never bothered with their grandchildren either or liked their other daughter and son in law, so it wasn't just me. It just is the most rotten piece of luck for you when you discover your in laws are like that. Just do no harm and try to do good turns for piece of mind. It is all you can do. My husband did blank his parents for years as he saw them for what they were, however we decided to speak again and make the best of it. I was glad of that when they died.

I read this post as I am in a mirror image of you. Yesterday I went to see my 95 yr old mother in law who like you I have known since I met my husband at 16 .she is a nightmare and has always caused trouble in our marriage. Now needing me goes from being needy to nasty in seconds. Trying now to use past examples to get us emotionally to do for her. She said some nasty things to my husband yesterday and he flipped! Wasted a whole day on the phone back and forth but feel now some sort of line has been drawn. My sons don't visit as can't stand her. Speak now and get your marriage back on track. Good luck xxx

Your husband has enabled his Mother to treat his family badly, her selfish behaviour has been unchallenged and I agree with others it’s prob too late for her to change. Show your husband this thread if you have been unable to discuss the effects with him, he has no right to be grumpy with you. I hate rows, ill feeling etc but I am all for assertiveness, and letting others know in a calm but direct way, that their behaviour is both unacceptable and unreasonable. Respect has to be earned by us all, it’s not freely given to anyone, so no wonder your children stay away from her, why would they choose to be criticised and moaned at.

I suffered from an oh so critical FIL and then felt very cynical when it was me sitting my his bed as he died. My OH was allotted certain tasks, he visited FIL on his own, I gave support to DH, never criticising his father but thanking my lucky stars now as I found DH had a secret plan to move him in with us! I do not think FIL would have come. Your DH is probably worrying about what the future holds, you need to bring it out in the open but stand your ground.

She is 95 and only one son bothers with her, perhaps she is a bit lonely and no doubt frail. Can't you just go and have a chat with her and find out how much help she needs, her days are numbered, perhaps a carer part time might be the answer. My mil was difficult, asked too much if her son, he died before both parents we helped all the time, but I had decided early on my husband was not doing it alone, both of us took half the time. Sometimes it is better when an unkind comment is made, to ask why she found it necessary to say such a thing, it hurts. It becomes a habit. It worked for me.

MIL and there sons is a very dodgy subject, there the apple of their mums eye, so are very obsessive with their boys. Have a couple of friends who went through the same thing.
One friends broke down because of the situation.

Marriage broke down.