Mother in Law

Turn the tables on her if you have the gumption.

Go along and help your DH with her care. Paste a smile on and chat away to her and totally ignore any nastiness. If she is a nasty piece of work then doubtless she’ll snipe at you behind your back to your DH, but that will turn back on her if you are being helpful. Also your poor DH is caught between the proverbial rock and....so don’t you be the one pushing against him from the other side. Even better, coerce, bribe, blackmail, bully your children into visiting too.

She won’t last much longer I imagine.

she's old ,she wont be around for ever,why not be the bigger person and help your OH with her care? If not for her then for HIM...I 'm not a person who ever holds grudges so I find this hard to understand.People say things that annoy or upset...thats what people do,you just let it go over your head and smile .I hope your OH isn't stressing himself too much over his MUM....whatever she does she will always be his mum.Try to remember that when you sound off.

Oh my word you may as well have written about me and my mil . Such a similar story. The first words she ever spoke to me aged 15 was " can't you do anything about those spots on your face " in a full restaurant of her family . The sharp intake of breath was quite loud from everyone. I hated her ever since and we had a very up and down relationship . I could write a book about the horrible nasty things she has said and done to me over the 45 years She was in my life. She passed away earlier this year aged 97 and then I relaxed as I knew she could never hurt me again.
Just stay away .....but never ever say anything good or bad about her to hubby as it will only get twisted into something negative, that's how I started dealing with her after saying enough is enough a few years ago.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this and that it seems to be getting worse. But, imo, your main problem now is dh. Like Luckygirl, I'm wondering what you mean when you say he's "getting aggressive." I also wonder what about? Does he want you to help out more with mil? To show more sympathy for his issues with her? Or does he just act "aggressive" towards you after a visit with her? Or what?

If she’s always been like that she’s not going to change. She sounds like my MiL. I got fed up with my MILs rants about all and sundry including me, that I refuse to see her except at arms length, if theres a family event where there are going to be a few of us and we can’t avoid inviting her. I can have a conversation with someone else rather than listen to her prattling on and just be polite and smiling saying hello and goodbye . At 96, she has become very frail and my OH is her main carer, though she has some paid help, he sees her daily and nearly always comes back from a visit completely wound up by some spiteful or vicious thing she’s said to him. I would obviously help in an emergency but can’t cope with a daily dose of nastiness.

Your hubby must be full of guilt regarding his mother sit down with him and tell him you are not going to be involved with her anymore as you have put up with her dislike of you for far too long.
Stick to the week-ends for your family time,is there any chance that the other son can visit her during a week-end.

My mum had the same situation with her MiL. Dad had two brothers who lived away and a sister living close but it was always dad she expected to do things for her.
Mum and her didn't get on from day one. As far as I remember it had always been that dad and I would visit alone and the arrangement worked the same as N&G's. When she moved to a sheltered complex within walking distance of mum and dad's house she would walk down on a Sunday morning to see dad and they would sit in the garden, she never came in the house where mum was.

Does your husband want you to help him with his mother?

I agree. Distance yourself from her; but leave your OH to do what he feels he has to do.

I am wondering what exactly you mean when you say OH is becoming aggressive towards you - I hope this is only verbally.

After 44 years maybe its time for you to have a frank chat with her. After all, it doesn't sound like the situation could get much worse.

Id sit down with my husband and tell him how you're feeling and ask him how he feels about it?

She sounds like she depends on you both so maybe a bit of a shock in that you wont tolerate her behaviour any more might make a difference.

My MiL hated me before we even met - no one would have been good enough for her 'boy' . I soldiered on for years trying to be what she wanted and making myself miserable in the process.

A series of events brought me to the place where I say my husband down and explained that he could see her any time I was at work. He could take our daughters over any time she wanted to see them but I was not going over to be her whipping boy anymore.

I disliked her and she disliked me.

Luckily, he understood and had seen how hard I had tried and that was that. They met up , he did her chores etc and then when we were off at the weekend it was time for our family. I didn't have to let myself get abused just to keep the peace.

Worked a treat.

I hope you can find a solution too.

I agree with dbDB don't let things get on top of you now. Can your husband reduce his visits or the amount of time he spends with her.
Talk about it, perhaps your husband doesn't fully understand the impact on all of you.
Good luck.

She's not going to change - I doubt that the power she has over your husband is going to diminish - he'd feel too guilty - you have the support of the rest of your family and as MissAventure hints - surely not long now?
I would advise ensuring that your marriage doesn't suffer - talk gently to your husband & tell him you understand. Don't let your MIL come between you - don't let her win after all these years - good luck.

There is quite a lot of discussion on here about cutting people out of your life completely, either as a last option, or 'punishment' for some real or imagined hurts.
All sides have been put forward, and everyone seems to have quite differing opinions on what is the right thing to do.. She is 95. There must be light at the end of the tunnel, maybe? Could you consider cutting her out totally of your lives, or agree on how much time and emotional input you both feel is reasonable?