Mother in Law

Be kind to yourself.
The only reason your mother in law doesn't like you is because you married her son, and threatened her influence over him. Nothing you did, or do now, will make any difference. She is driven by a strong survival instinct, and an iron determination to have her own way. She is exactly the same as my grandmother, (94) my friend's mother in law,(89) and another friend's mother, now over 100, who has consistently and selfishly thwarted their plans for the past twenty years. They can't even go away for a brief holiday, as she takes an overdose if they leave her.
You shouldn't put up with your husband's aggressive behaviour, whatever strain he is under. Perhaps your adult children could help here, with a little visiting, however much they justifiably dislike her. Try and discuss plans for support from carers or residential care, but be prepared for strong opposition; you can do nothing without her consent.
It is Not Your Fault. Do Not feel guilty.

Nearly 20 years ago when my (now) husband and were first going out, he took my MIL and myself out for dinner. During the meal she fixed me with a look and asked 'How do you cope with your weight problem?'. I thought of a rude retort but then thought it wasn't fair to him so was polite. He wiped the floor with her the next day and wanted to know why she was so rude. Her response was that it was the language and she hadn't realised she was being rude. She is/was Spanish but has been in England since she was 18 so that was a poor excuse! I have never forgotten her rudeness and it has only been during the last year when I have been of help to her after she was diagnosed with cancer just after last Christmas, that she has warmed to me a little. She died at the end of October

I agree with every word that
ALLSORTSOFBAGS has said...she has put into words what I have been thinking.

What on earth makes these unpleasant MILs think that they can behave ìn nasty aggressive ways towards their son's choice of a life partner.

I can only imagine it's something to do with their subconscience "sexual desires" towards their male offspring.

Hope I'm not offending anyone by saying that.....but Froud would maybe
be looking at the situation like that.
(Sorry if the spelling is wrong)

Annemarie if you ve ‘put up’ with her for 44years why on earth do you think things would change now At 95 she’s near her end she’s probably lonely and cantankerous if I was you I would ask your husband what would help him to deal with her and then just bite the bullet and give what help he feels he needs it might bring you closer to him if you’re involved too or if you can get some outside help that might ease the situation but I think you should have set you’re boundaries up 40 odd years ago

there are so many threads on here about mothers whose families have distanced themselves from them ..with no explanation.These mothers are quite rightly hurt ...maybe this MIL doesn't think SHE is in the wrong.Would the OP want her family to desert her when she's old ...without a good reason? Is "she's never liked me" a reason to stop your OH from seeing his elderly mother ,if so then you'd better be sure your DIL's or SIL's never have reason to say the same and cut YOUR children off from you.

So sorry annamariel , what a common problem this seems to be, caring for the very old is exhausting without any other problems. First of all you must talk this all over with your husband, he sounds at the end of his tether like you. You need a plan, does MIL really need a lot of care now, should home helps and other assistance come into play? so that you/he don't need to go in every day. I am guessing you are both getting on yourselves. Not sure its worth calling her bluff or having it out with her at 95, you need to try and downgrade the stress not make it worse.

"It's not the one who inflicts the most but endures the most who triumphs in the end". Who said that?

She's an old lady - don't let her get to you.
I've noticed some people get grumpy in old age - however annoying I would never snap back or fall out with them. If you do take negative action and she passes away you will feel guilty. Do your best and bite your tongue.

Eloethan I had a FIL who didn't like me ,who left a room when I entered ,who would say black was white just to prove me wrong,who hated my religion( I married in his sons church to appease him) who disagreed with my politics ,who took my child to OO parades to annoy me,simple because he know I disagreed with the Orange Order ..for years .I didn't cut him off ,I didn't argue with him I did my level best to be the grown up in our relationship.A couple of years before he died he said I was the best thing to ever happen to his son...that he couldn't have chosen a better wife for him ,himself .So yes I have had a difficult in law relationship ..BUT He was always my OH's dad and as such I did my best ..for my husbands sake and for our children.You can get down to the base level of your tormentor or you can be the better person.

My heart goes out to you annamariel. Thank Goodness for your children who understand and can help take the edge off the situation.
The saddest situation re: a Mother/Mother-in-Law that I have ever come across involved a really lovely late middle aged couple and the Husband's Mother.
The Mother moved in with the couple when they married. Being the nice couple that they were, they accepted this.
However, when I met them many, many years later, their marriage was close to being on the rocks because of the Mother, who basically resented the marriage because she felt that her son should have stayed with her.
The saddest thing of all though was that they never had any children because the Mother did NOT want them around.
I met the Mother too, and found her completely and utterly selfish. To use a phrase that my own Mum used to use, she was a nasty piece of work.
What I am trying to say to you anna is if by some chance the MIL decides ( or has been thinking along those lines ) that because of her old age she now needs to be looked after, do not let MIL move in with you, things will only get worse, and your marriage could very well suffer, more than it is now. I hope that you can get this sorted.

I had the same problem with my MIL for some reason she never liked me who knows why. We didn't have anything in common at all but I tried. The awful thing was my husband never told her how cruel she was to me and the children. My SIL children always came first, they got all the love and attention our children got nothing. They never once took the children out anywhere or asked them to stay over. My daughter once asked me why does grandma not ask us to stay my friends are always invited to their grandmas.
When my mother died I was amazed that she offered to have the children when we went to the funeral. The day before the funeral I rang up to organise bringing the children over and her reply was "Oh I can't I'm taking my other grandchildren to the circus", sorry must go I'm busy and put the phone down.
She lived to be 92 years old it's only now my husband realised what a nasty person she was.

I loathed my late MIL and she hated me from day one.
I too was young as I met my other half in our first year of university. I tried really hard to please her, but bottom line was we had different values! she believed that women should stay home and keep house and look after children whereas I came from a family of university educated women and one of those a suffragette! You can imagine that I had NO intention of staying home and not pursuing my career. and to be fair husband had modern ideas and supported me all the way. When the children came along she constantly criticised and under mined me even to the extent of calling my own mother to express her disapproval?
In the end I told DH that he was welcome to take the girls to see her or visit himself but I would not be of the party. Much better for both of us.
In the end even the daughters stopped seeing her as she used to go on to them about what an awful mother they had etc and they refused to go as it upset them?
I would recommend a good distance from her for your own mental health and remember she is her own worse enemy

After 44 years this will be very difficult to change her. Even though she is mean to you I would try and do something different to make things a bit easier for your husband who is probably getting quite weary of her demands. If she lives at home alone some of it may be down to loneliness. Has the other son who never sees her had a rift with her or just sees how hard it is for his brother and decided to keep away? Could you as a favour to your husband go with him sometimes, showing him a bit of moral support. You could keep your visits reasonably short together and perhaps even surprise her by jointly going to visit her without prior warning once or twice. I also think she probably is unaware of how stressful life can be for others and is wrapped up in herself. A different approach could make all the difference.

Eloethan.... you assume quite wrongly.
Annamarie has said that she welcomed any thoughts.
You have said ‘more or less’ the same think as me. MiL is 95 so won’t be around for much longer. The poor man has clearly had enough and it’s all become too much for him and he’s stressed and taking his frustration out on Annamarie. Maybe as a family they should all share and take it in turns looking after this very old lady. Sounds as if DH desperately needs a break, very difficult!.

PS. You could also try to persuade your children to visit - maybe once a month, if only for half an hour. And encourage them beforehand, to stand up to her. At the first sign of any nastiness and backbiting, they should say firmly, that if she is going to sit there and cticise them/you/their siblings etc, they will not stay. If she still has her wits about her, she will soon see that if she wants their company she will have to change her attitude. She might just surprise you and do that.

Your MIL could live to be a hundred or more, you and DH are wasting your lives. You need to sort things out.

I would talk to him and try to find out what is behind the aggression - does he need help with MIL and blames you for not helping him? Is it something MIL has said - maybe made up something about you to turn him against you. It is very important that you find out.
Once that is sorted, do what you have to do to have a reasonably happy life together. Try and make time for the 2 of you if you don't already. Look at care alternatives. The time will come when she may need residential care. Possibly MIL is aware of this and is frightened at the prospect - she may have cried on your DH shoulder that if only he had a good wife she could move in with you both! A bully is usually a coward inside.
And when the end does come, if there is anything to leave in her will, , don't expect her to leave it to your DH - she will probably leave it all to other son.

All your husband's life he has been told that your MIL's needs are the ones that count. All through his formative years this would have made a lasting impression on him so it is unlikely he will change his mind now that this is the way to act. Trying to make him be any different will only lead to resentment especially when she is no longer with you as he is likely to feel guilty. I think it is difficult to accept someone else's selfishness as we get older as we can see it eating into out finite lifetime so we start to be more resentful. Either that or we have less things to occupy us so we notice it more. I don't know what you can do about your MIL but I would certainly want to find a neutral place to quietly discuss my husband's aggression towards me if it was safe to do so.

I can totally empathise with this situation. My MIL was utterly nasty and horrible to me , and it got worse once I married her son. It was so bad, I started having panic attacks and needed medication for a while.

I didn't have to cut her out of my life, she cut me out of hers. I was not invited to any party or occasion she held, she spread malicious, untrue gossip about me to the family and her friends and I became an outcast.

My DH didn't speak to her for a year, but he eventually got back on terms with her. I didn't. I spent 18 years of hell, arguments with DH over her and I just felt terribly upset most of the time. It didn't matter what DH said to her, she wasn't interested. I did not try to stop his contact with her

She's dead now, and the last two years have been utter bliss!!

As Oscar Wilde said 'Some people spread happiness wherever they go; others whenever they leave'.

Your time will come. xx

The part of your message that struck me was "your husband is being aggressive towards you".

I accept that you put it down to his being frustrated at "His Mother" - yet he is taking that frustration out on "His Wife".

I am not you - you are not me, but ...

I would want to clearly establish if his aggressiveness (abuse - my take on repeated aggressive actions) towards you was as you surmise - transferred frustration from his mother to you. Or if it really is aimed at you. Either way good for you for wanting to address his behaviour.

Once your clear about the what's behind his aggression how you take care of yourself is your choice.

However, and it's a big "however" you do not deserve to be anyone's sh*t bucket.

I accept that we all have times when we need to express our frustration/anger to another person but that's a whole lot different to aiming those emotions at a person who's actions are not responsible for what prompts those emotions with-in us.

I may be wrong but it seems to me that MIL and now H seem to think that your kind and decent nature is "permission" to behave very badly towards you.

I'm so sorry, like so may of us, you find yourself in this situation and I respect you for all the years you have managed these difficulties. I'm also very pleased that you value yourself enough to reach out here for support and hopefully some help.

Take Care of yourself and keep yourself safe (emotional and psychological safety is often undervalued) You are worth being safe.

You've had too many years of bad treatment in my opinion - I know it's only my opinion but it's expressed in what I hope is seen as support and good wishes

Never had a MIL, she died when hubby was 10. My mum although she wasn't keen on hubby said its my choice, my life. She and my dad always treated him the same as me and my brother. I just hope I, in old age, am the same.

My MIL was very similar. And with her other son's wive(s). She LOVED them as GFs - couldn't get them married soon enough and as soon as married - they could not do a thing right. - Our marriage survived through cussedness and distance but other son married 3 times and now on his own. SO I conclude - its really not anything about YOU - it is because you are married to her wonderful son. Keep well away and never rise to the bait.

I feel for everyone here who is going through this sort of thing or has gone through it in the past. But I think that failure to speak up assertively is part of the problem. Annemarie, again, Idk what you mean when you say dh "gets aggressive." But please don't just "let it go." You need to let him know he can't take his frustrations out on you. He can vent and you'll listen, but no nastiness towards you or anything like that.

44 years. Its gone on long enough.
Follow the example of your daughters.
Tell your husband you have had enough of her nastiness and his aggression.
My problem was with FIL, but his sniping was always behind my back, he spoke to me when he absolutely had too.
When I drove DW to visit her parents I received the obligatory lecture from DW to be nice to FIL.
We would be sat in the lounge. Me,DW,SIL,MIL and FIL.
In no time at all DW, MIL, and SIS would retreat to sit in the kitchen as the atmosphere was so chilly.
FIL followed them soon after, leaving me alone to enjoy the peace and quiet, read the paper and watch the tv.
He made it plain from day one that he didn't like me, so after a few visits the feelings became mutual.
But there is a bright side to my then predicament, he kicked the bucket about 10 years ago.

She isn’t going to be around much longer if she is 94.
She won’t change, so allow your DH to see her and do whatever is needed, he must feel pulled too many ways.
I realise it must be awful for you, but it won’t go on for ever.

annamariel
I am sure you are not alone in this situation but that doesn't help you. My dh was put on a pedestal. My mil went out of her way to cause disharmony between myself and my own mother .Not that difficult as it took until she was in her late eighties for me to do anything right for my own mother and that was only when she had no one else to turn to.I am sorry your dh appears to be under her thumb and this is why he is behaving as he is. Torn between you and his mother. Please don't let her destroy you and your marriage You need professional help in this and I am not the one to advise. Can you visit mil's doctor as he /she is the best one, in view of this' matriarchs' age, to assist you. Don't give up.