Daughter + family don't like new partner

I would question my dd more about why she doesn't like him. If someone gives you the creeps it is usually because they try to get too close to you or make inappropriate remarks or even have a limp handshake. I have a neighbour who always insists on kissing me with very wet lips - possibly not his fault but that gives me the creeps. Maybe she doesn't like his political views or finds his sense of humour odd or she doesn't trust him because she thinks he lied about something. She must be able to explain it a bit more, then you would be able to discuss it. It's not fair just to say they don't like him but don't know why.

I think it would need reconsidering further on in the relationship - but this really is a relatively new relationship - it's not stood the test of time, and it would be tragic if a family confrontation ruined her relationship with the children AND the boyfriend didn't work out. I'd say simply see them seperately for now and think again in a year's time. It could be that by then the family decide they appreciate the happiness he's giving the OP and decide to respect him after all.

An interesting point here would be if OP told DD that she did not like SIL and DD should get rid of him.
Would the DD be prepared to spend the same amount of time with OP as the SO does so that OP is not losing out on company.
I have been in the position of having SIL presented to me with the expectation that I would just accept him. He was different to us in education etc. He also had drink and drug habits. I was not impressed and time proved me right but it was disaster for my DD and DGC.
I presume that all the adult DC have no idea what it is like to have had a "houseful" of family in the house every day and then to be completely alone.
Perhaps it is inheritance which is worrying DD in the OP but who is to say that the SO will not die first or even the DD.
It is difficult but with good manners I expect that it could be handled

Margrete, my heart goes out to you on the loss of your ydd.

Sorry, too, that odd is so against dh. But good for you for standing by him and enjoying your marriage!

Blue60, Iv seen that movie. But the way I remember it, the Jane Wyman character gave up the man to please her children - and then they bought her the TV to fill her lonely hours while they were off leading their own lives!

But either way, imo, no one should end up like Wyman in this movie. Glad you're not letting so go, Op.

I don't see anyplace where dd said the op shouldn't bring her so to large family events, like weddings, where one might want an escort. And not everybody here said that either. The main issue seems to be that they won't be doing "family days and holidays" together. But it looks like everyone will be happier that way. No reason a dd and dm can't have lunch together, etc. without either of them bringing their man.

As for those big events, Worrying, I think you and so should just steer clear of dd and family. Greet them when you see them but spend your time socializing with others. Dd will probably stay away from you and him, anyhow, so, imo, there are no worries.

What a load of rubbish! Her daughter should respect her mother’s decision to have a partner and be polite with her mother right to be with someone. She’s looked after her daughter and respects her daughters choices, time for her daughter to respect her mother no matter what other people think

Perhaps you should show your daughter this thread she couldn’t ignore all the great responses and would have to open up and say what she’s feeling & why. My mil is 73 and has a partner of 20 years the same age. None of the rest of the family like him and not just because of his personality, but because of the way we perceive that he treats her, which she cannot see anything wrong with. We could never tell her that we see him talking down to her, pointing his finger in her face and generally belittling her. She was a fun loving, sociable, happy soul but now she seems confused and stressed all the time. She’s lost loads of weight and can’t explain why. She confided in me a few years ago that she and he were lucky to have found one another at their age and could be there for each other, leaving me with the lasting impression she thinks that the life she has with him in it is better that being alone. Her own sister, daughter & best friend say the same thing. Her doctor can’t find anything amiss health wise. She’s had a tough life and deserves to be happy and she’s ‘happy’ with him she says. We are polite to him and involve him too as they are a package despite what we think. If we step in and stir things up she will be even more stressed and unhappy. Out of respect to her we back off when he’s rude, makes a scene or ruins events because he’s not happy. Think what I’m saying here is that unless your daughter can say and prove that your SO is bad for you then can’t she manage to be respectful of your relationship and teach your grandson to do the same, after all as he grows up he’s going to meet lots of people and some of them he may not like either...........

Wow thanks for all the messages. I've been at work so am only just catching up.

I'd say the overall message here is to do what makes me happy. I think that's going to mean trying to keep things separate, at least for the time being.

I may have been unrealistic about introducing him when I did. I'm not sure.

Ironically my SIL was not universally liked when he was first introduced- and I fought his corner as I felt he was my daughter's choice and that was what was important.

Thanks again everyone. It's been really helpful to read all your advice and opinions.

I certainly wouldn't worry too much that your man isn't liked. They'll get over it. Or not. I'm sure they don't live their own lives being careful not to do anything you might not like.

I had a great aunt who had never married. At the age of 83 she met a lovely man who lived in the same care home as she did. He was 90. He proposed to her and they got married. His family was horrified and tried to stop the marriage on the grounds that he wasn't in his right mind anymore and she was a gold digger. In the end he made a will stating that he was leaving everything to his children and nothing to my great aunt. It was pointed out to them that if they continued to argue that he was too confused to get married then the new will wouldn't stand and an older will in which they inherited less would be used to sort out his estate. Suddenly the family were happy for the wedding to go ahead and no longer argued that he was confused.

My great aunt and her husband had three years of happiness before he past away. She followed him not long after. But that was three years of happiness that neither of them expected at their age.

You and he are happy together. It's your life. Don't let anyone take that happiness away from you. My mam hates my DH and ignores him most of the time. Occasionally she might grace him with a hello but that's few and far between. DH has never done anything to her and has always been wonderful to me. He has never hurt me, shouted at me or threatened me. He is now my full time carer.

Oddly she was perfectly happy to chat to my ex who was a controlling bully (which she knew).

Surely there’s a difference between your example which is an affair with a married man and the OP’s situation with a relationship almost a year old between two free adults?

I'm on the other side of this my Mum in law has a man friend she sees regularly ,he gives me the creeps.My SIL feels the same way about him ...cant explian it as I get on with everyone usually but this guy is seriously weird.I understand MiL likes his company and its none of our business so we say nothing but he certainly would never be invited to any family event...or even to my home .In fact we keep out fingers crossed he might concentrate on the wife he has and leave MiL alone

Having played this game myself several years ago, my advice is to keep your 2 lives separate for as long as it takes, sadly perhaps indefinitely.

I would also keep them separate for now. It is early days so no need for him to be included in family occasions if it causes you anxiety . I would want some kind of explanation from DD , other than jealousy rearing its ugly head have you no idea why they do not like him?

OP you call him your SO, you’ve been together for nearly a year, you spend weekends together. You are now a package whether your family like it or not. Your dd thinks you should go to family events on your own because she doesn’t like him? What playground is she playing in? Tell her firmly about her ds - that you’re not so keen on the way he’s being brought up to be so nasty and you’re disappointed in her and her selfishness. Make it clear you won’t go to events without your SO and then put the ball in her court. We all deserve any happiness we can find in our later life without selfish adult children trying to spoil it for us. Good luck

Lots of good advice. I think you probably should keep the two parties separate for the time being and just hope and pray that things improve. But I would tell your DD how much it upsets you when they can’t, at least, be civil to your OH. She may be unaware that DGS is making nasty remarks. It’s up to you how you handle this of course, but I think as gently as possible.
I wish you every happiness with your new man and I hope your DD will too. In time ...

I was lucky with DD when I met my DH, she adored him (she was only 9 when we met) but had a difficult relationship with her F who walked out on us when she was 5. They would frequently gang up on me.

My DM (after being widowed twice) met up again with man who had been married to her Bridesmaid (he was widowed). After an accident he had to give up his own place & moved in with DM. Neither my DD or myself could take to him but as we didn't see them much we just tolerated as he made DM happy. He had very strong Political views amongst other things.

Recently DD & I were having the conversation about whether her dislike was because this man was not some-one she would choose to mix with or whether it was because she felt he was taking her DGF's place.

I didn't have the same problem as when my DM married after DF died I had known her 2nd DH all my life & enjoyed his company.

I haven't had to cross this bridge as I haven't had any romantic encounters since DH died 5 yeas ago but DD has said she doesn't know how she would feel if I had an SO, whether she would feel welcoming as is her nature or resentful as he would be taking her darling "Pops" place.

I would definitely not place my life on hold if I did meet some-one, I have a right to happiness, I'm only 62, widowed at 57. My DD has a busy life with her OH & my DGSs. If there was a real problem I would avoid having much contact between SO & DD. If a chance of romance/companionship/love comes along grab it with both hands

Apart from my father and my sister, now both dead, who liked my husband, the rest of my family made and make it clear that they don't care all that much for him.

So I know how you feel. I wasted a lot of time and energy trying to smooth things over, and feeling hurt by my family' s behaviour.

Now, I have accepted, and fortunately my DH is all right with it too, that though I am very welcome in his family, my nieces and nephew prefer me to visit on my own. So that is basically what I do and I don't invite them here, because honestly, if they can't be polite to my husband for my sake, I feel that says quite a lot about how fond they actually are of me.

I realize they don't see it that way. How does your man feel about the situation? I would suggest you do much the same as I have done, if he is all right with it. And if your DD and SIL make remarks about you coming alone to family parties, I, if I were you, would say quite calmly that your partner does not feel particularly welcome, which is why he doesn't come with you.

Stand by your man' Worryingallthetime and while I agree with others about you seeing your D, s.i.l. and GC without him, at least for the time being, I do think it's a shame.

No doubt your D would have expected you to be as inclusive as you could be of the man she chose to share her life with, regardless of any 'doubts' you may have had (not saying that was the case). So it's a shame she doesn't seem to be willing or able to reciprocate.

It's totally unacceptable for your 5 year old GC to be used as a mouth piece to air his parents' dislike of your partner; they should be ashamed of themselves.

I do hope things get sorted and in the meantime enjoy this new chapter in your life.

It's a fact that sometimes we can take a dislike to another for no apparent reason. I have met people who I do not like, the only feeling is the vibes they give out which I call sixth sense. I'm sure that some people have the same reaction to me. We cannot like everyone we meet for whatever the reason. As your daughter has said it's nothing he has said or done or about inheritance then you will just have to live your life with your man. As you do not live together with him, then family time with your daughter and her family will have to be separate from when you are with your partner. You have your own life to live and even though they dislike him he"s your choice.

The relationship is still relatively new so could just be a case of them getting used to the fact you have someone new in your life (that may or may not last in their eyes).

You don't say now long you were with the previous partner so perhaps they aren't happy that that relationship ended and feel this new chap has something to do with the split so are blaming him? Or that he's isn't "good enough" for you?

I'd defo have a word about grandson being rude to new chap though - that's not on.

Families can be a pita that's for sure but you deserve happiness.

Sometimes you do have feelings about someone that you can’t articulate into reasons and often those unknown feelings prove right However it’s for you to find out if there’s something your missing about him and for you to make your own mistakes You all need to act like reasonable adults and get on with things, and as others have said don’t expect them to mix if it’s not going to be comfortable for either sets keep your life with your family seperate comes life with your partner It’s far from ideal but better than losing one or other

Also I think "nearly a year" isn't long enough to make your partner part of the whole family tree. I wouldn't even start worrying till it's gone 2 years and you're actually planning to live together.

Some people just don't like some other person, and there doesn't have to be a reason. It's apparent they try to be polite to his face (unfortunate they don't also have their conversations out of their little boy's earshot). Personally I'd just allow them to minimise their contact apart from big family occasions your partner is also invited to - when there should be enough people anyway that it won't notice.