Daughter + family don't like new partner

Unfortunate but really there's no need to mix them except for very occasional, important events when I would hope they could at least be polite.
My children are fine with my significant other but they only see him on my birthday and for Christmas Day and maybe a couple of other times in the year.
But then I like to keep the different bits of my life separate. I don't mix my friends either. It rarely works.

I think you should stick with your man if you are fond of each other. Sounds as though your daughter may be jealous of your romance or see the man as a threat to herself or her inheritance, perhaps. Could you take her out to lunch and have a talk with her, try and find out why she really feels this way? She shouldn't be making you feel miserable and worried as you are entitled to make your own happiness but on the other hand you don't want to fall out with your family. Some straight talking is needed here, I think.

Thanks for your replies.

I did try to talk to her a few months ago but she wouldn't or couldn't give me reasons for disliking him.
(There's no inheritance so she won't be worried about that!).

I don't want to fall out with them, but yes I also need to think about my own happiness.

You certainly do, Worrying! Your dd (dear daughter) has her man, you have a right to have yours. I know you had a vision of all socializing together and being "one big happy family," but I'm afraid that isn't going to be. Not now, anyway. Please try to enjoy your relationship with dd separately - maybe meet her for lunch sometimes, etc. And don't try to mingle with her and sil when you find yourselves at the same function. (She may complain about this, but she set it up this way.)

Or maybe even get together w/ dd and family or dd and gs.

Sine you are not living together, it should not be difficult to socialise with your family without him present. I understand that you want to include your significant other and family into one group but as your family seem not to want this, do not do it.

Some people feel lost at any social event if they do not have an escort, is this why you would like him present at family events? If that is the case, you can surely manage without an escort at family events.

Do your family things without him and just enjoy other time with him. There is no need to treat him as though he is their father/stepfather at this early stage in your relationship.

You could have the best of both worlds if you simply made it clear that they are not obliged to include him in invitations to family get-together.

I know that seems harsh on him; but I am sure he can understand that to them it is early days. Please don't get into a situation where you have little contact with your family - that would achieve nothing.

He may be the right man for you; but it does not follow that he is the right man for them.

Do you just have the one daughter or do you have other children who might feel able to accept him more readily?

I’d tend not to take him to smaller family events, though perhaps big gatherings are different. But it’s important you strike a compromise and don’t end up falling out with either ‘side’.

Concentrate on your own happiness.

I agree with the others who are saying keep things separate for the time being. You can't make people like one another and for some reason she can't explain your daughter feels the way she does. As you are not living together it shouldn't be too difficult for you to attend family events on your own. I imagine you are worrying about Christmas at present. A friend of mine in a similar situation finds it easiest if she and partner go to their own family on Christmas Day and get together on Boxing Day by themselves.

In time they may come round. Maybe you need to introduce him slowly. Meanwhile, as you aren’t living together, it should be possible to go to see them mostly without him.
A year is no time at all.
If he himself is a good kind and inclusive person I think they will see this eventually and start including him naturally. It sounds to me that they want you on your own a bit at present.

Whenever I see something that's been written about children disapproving of a parent's relationship for no real reason, I think of the film 'All that Heaven Allows' ( Rock Hudson & Jane Wyman, 1955).

I wasn't born then but have seen the film a few times, and the poignant moment is when the children buy their widowed mother (Jane) a tv to distract her from her new relationship with Rock, while they get on with their own lives. As long as she fitted in with what everyone else wanted, everyone else was fine.

Don't be like the Jane Wyman character. Enjoy your life, just as everyone else has theirs.

*Should I just concentrate on my own relationship & not worry about my daughter's opinions?*
In a word 'YES' life is for living and this is the first day of the rest of your life so go and enjoy it with your partner.

In the final analysis, it's your choice to be with your partner, but it's your daughter & SIL's choice whether they want to be part of that. Not everyone can like everyone else, and it may be based on something or nothing. Think of your circle of friends: they are all friends with you, but I bet they don't all get on with each other! I don't think you should force it, and I think you should have your grandson when you're on your own, which you can perfectly well do, as you're not living together. I think your attempt to play Happy Families is driving a wedge between you and your daughter. You could say to your daughter that you understand she doesn't like your DP, and you will not insist on get-togethers, but you must all behave like grown-ups and respect each others' autonomy. No sniping, especially not in front of children!

I agree that if he makes you happy, you should do what you can to keep meetings as infrequent and amicable as you can. What does worry me is that your DD and SIL both have bad vibes about him, even though they can't put a finger on them. Personally I've learned to trust such feelings. You blame your GS's parents for having poisoned his mind about your new partner, but is it possible that you're seeing him through rose-tinted glasses and DD, SIL and GS's hunches are correct? Hope not, but be aware that it is possible. You need to face the fact that he may not be what he seems. 1 person may be wrong/biased or genuinely rub someone up the wrong way, but when there are 3 all saying the same thing, I start to get bad vibes myself. However it's your life. Good luck and be happy.

I am/was in the same situation. It took quite a while for my daughter to get used to my guy. She said it was because she had such a bad relationship with her own father she didn't actually trust my judgement. And since they live across the country we don't see that much of them.
I have been with him 15 years now and he is totally accepted. So much so they will gang up on me occasionally :-))
In other words, give it time.

This is not an usual situation
You are however owed an explanation as to why your daughter does not like your new man.She owes you this.
Carry on as you are and don't let this come between your friendship with this man
I would certainly approach your daughter ask her to be honest and put her cards on the table It is your life does she not want you to be happy?
I could be wrong but it sounds there may be a bit of insecurity on the part of your daughter who may be feeling your man is more important to you than they are? You can of course attend family events without him but why?
You cannot live your life taking instructions from the Book of Daughter.

Good advice from others about keeping your lives separate, at least for a while. Adult children often feel uncomfortable about parent's new friends/partners for a whole range of reasons. I think it is a mistake to feel that you are obliged to take your friend to family events. Your relationship with him is quite separate to your relationship with your family. It is understandable that your daughter may not want a relatively unknown man spending time with her child and those feelings need to be respected. Enjoy your family as you have always done and if the relationship becomes deeper, regardless of whether you choose to live together, maybe introduce him slowly to some carefully selected familty occasions. If a new partner has problems with this I would wonder about control issues or his own neediness.
I do think it is worth having conversations with your family members about the new situation. It's always interesting to get their views, maybe they're feeling some bad vibes, perhaps they see things you are missing, or just newness and seeing their Mum in a whole new way. One thing adult children never, ever want to know about is that their parents just may have had sex at some time in their life.

I would keep both parties separate for the foreseeable future they may come around eventually when they see you will not be dictated to with regard to your partner.
How would your DD feel if you took a dislike to her husband I bet she wouldn't like it one little bit.

Isn’t it telling, that an older woman is advised to keep her SO apart from family because ( for no good reason) they dislike him, when a 20 year old, or younger can include her boyfriend presumably,no matter what, for family gatherings.
You have been happy with this man for a while now, he is your choice and your family should damn well be polite to him at the very least.

How many women on GN pussy foot around relatives all the time, not just DILS but often the whole family, it isn’t right.

It's a very odd thing, but this has happened to us. I had 2 daughters. When I first got together with my new life partner, I took him to meet younger daughter, who lived nearby. They got on like the proverbial house on fire. Maybe it was because they were both engineers, so had that shared interest and background. Whatever...the same was not true of my other daughter and her family. She has been very negative and thinks he is a 'snake', which he is not.

Sadly, younger daughter died and elder daughter is still around, has influenced most of her family to the extent that I have 5-year old twin great-granddaughters that I've never seen.

If I had gone along with what many people said at the time we got together, I'd have had 20 years of lonely widowhood, instead of 20 years of happy companionship and a loving marriage.

You mentioned an ex. Could your daughter feel it would be disloyal to like your new partner, no matter why you separated from her father?
One person has advised that your daughter must give a reason for not liking your partner, but you've already said she doesn't know, so no point insisting, although you might keep open the chance to talk about it again if she wants to.

Whatever they feel they should be polite and grandson should definitely not say hurtful things. You should tell him that and tell his parents too.

I would def tell your daughter about how all this makes you feel, quite torn, when you are clearly happy with your man. It’s not helpful if she can’t say what it is that she dosnt like, maybe if she spent some time chatting to him it would give her some clarity one way or another. But the grandson should definitely not be hearing negative comments for no reason at all.