Hubby Gone off Physical Relationship

Oh onneker my heart bleeds for you. To be told that is the worst. You are obviously a lovely person inside and out . Sending you flowers

No it dosnt make it right unfortunately

Onneker how alfull for u life is cruel some times

Hi reading about this in ur marriage makes me feel abit better I’m not alone with this issue in my marriage as well ? my husband is 15 years older then me , when we first met 20 years ago things where great but now we havnt had a physical relationship for over 2 years as he’s lot of medication iv put it down to that ! I feel unloved and hurt about it but he won’t talk about it either, because I love him I can’t leave him , if u find a solution please let me no feeling sad ?

I have nearly cried reading these posts. The same thing happened to me. My husband refused to talk about it and became very angry when I tried to broach the subject. In the end he told me he found me unattractive (I knew from walking into the bedroom unexpectedly one day that he still masturbated so didn't suffer from e.d.). I have never felt attractive and that devastated me. I thought about leaving him but felt sure no other man would want me so I have stayed but, 14 years later, I know I made the wrong decision and now have to look after a man sick with cancer. I feel very, very sorry for him but, inside, I feel resentful and slightly bitter at the loss of something which meant a lot to me.

I third that. Lost my first DH when I was 29 he was 31 . Lost for years I was .

Marianne I second that.

At least you still have your DH so there is a chance . I lost mine 9 years ago and it’s longer than that since any intimacy happened. If you were left on your own it would be many other aspects of being in a couple that you would,I guess, miss more than a lack of intimacy. I know that sounds harsh-but it is true in my case and that of my widowed or divorced friends.

I can sympathise with your situation so much. I have lived like this for 17 years. It is so sad when this happens as I actually still find my husband very attractive, I am sure when I married him I didn't sign up for a life of celibacy, and at times do feel resentful that we live like best friends, but I am nearly 62 now and in some ways am used to it, but somehow that doesn't make it right.

Even if a man does not have much sex drive himself he must surely recognise the impact that must have on his partner. If he makes no effort to stimulate you orally or by hand he is selfish and no longer loves you as a wife. If there was no medical reason or he would not even try to get help then frankly I would not put up with this behaviour as you deserve a full life. If all attempts to discuss have failed I would go away for long weekend break and leave him letter clearly stating what is minimum you can accept and say if you cannot no longer meet each others needs you want divorce to leave you free to find love again. What is alternative, feeling miserable and unloved every day? You have to decide what would make you happier.

I would seek counselling NanaPlenty on your own.
Your DH obviously is not interested in discussing the subject or taking any course of action to rectify the matter, so unburdening yourself should help take a little pressure off you and perhaps lead you on to another course of action.
Various suggestions have been made by others, including taking a lover, but exciting as it sounds, it is laden with pitfalls.
What if you or he develops emotional feelings that cause heartbreak when the crunch comes with one wanting more than the other?
You could end up with a stalker!
As for those that criticise such a suggestion, perhaps they are lucky enough not to have experienced the feelings of loneliness even within a relationship when there is no physical intimacy.
Good luck on whatever path you decide to take.

My husband died September last year at 51. He'd had heart failure for 2 years and developed type 2 diabetes which affected him physically. Sex was less frequent but there were other ways of being intimate. I really miss the closeness that we had.

Our sexual relations were enjoyed by both of us at the start. However as time went on I was still keen and he less so. He had erectile problems and then became impotent. Neither of us felt comfortable to talk about it. Our personal relations were fine and so I took to masturbation to relieve my sexual frustrations. We found out that he had diabetes shortly before he died which presumably was the reason for his impotency. Our personal relationship was what mattered most to both of us.

If you were to ask a sexual counsellor for advice about erectile dysfunction the advice would surely be to enjoy sexual stimulation that does not necessarily involve penile penetration. Yet most heterosexual sex seems to be fixated on the man managing an erection, penetrating his partner and maintaining the erection till both have had orgasms. An inability to perform means that sex is then off the menu. Isn't the husband willing to bring his wife to orgasm by other methods (oral, or manual stimulation)? Perhaps he finds them distasteful or else he selfishly believes that if he can't come to orgasm, both must suffer. I suppose one problem is finding a way to discuss these things properly rather than avoiding the subject as if you were newlyweds.

NanaPlenty - my heart goes out to you. I truly understand as I am in the same boat. It's not so much the physical act, that's just the tip of iceberg, its the 'being wanted' and made to feel sexy, attractive, frustration, resentment, disappointment. So yes buying a vibrator might scratch that itch but its not the magic wand to fix it. I am early 50's , he is early 40's, we've only been married 3 yrs and I've just realised he is actually Asexual = the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity. I cry in despair at the thought of never having sex again, and masturbate so much I even make myself bleed but am still left unsatisfied. Like yours he refuses to talk about it, or see anyone, he only says "I will try and make an effort" but I agree , if they don't want to do it, what's the point, you want them to want/desire you! He only ever holds hands etc in front of others to give the illusion of a normal couple. This makes me angry, if he doesn't want to come near me any other time, I am not playing this perfect marriage charade. It is leading to so much resentment, I know he cannot help it. He now hides to avoid me, when there is even a slight hint that I may try and initiate anything. So I sit there feeling unattractive and ugly, stuffing my face at night, while he hides in the opposite end of the house/garden /garage. If I go upstairs he goes down. Stupidly I never realised he was asexual, I just thought he was sexually inexperienced, so I always initiated and he acted like an unemotional robot following instructions in a manual, three squeezes here, one thrust there. He is a nice man, everyone loves him, he works hard, not lazy, generous. I know I'm lucky to have found him. He has given me stability in life and I feel a selfish bitch for wanting the 'whole package'! Nice man plus good sex, previous man was Great sex, but Bad boy, now it's nice guy but no sex! This has an effect on your whole life, I know I am snappy and angry all the time due to sexual frustration and tension. I've let myself go and snack often because I think why not , he don't fancy me anyway. This one thing impacts on the rest of your life. I admit if an opportunity came along for some relief I would not be able to control myself.

Am I the only one on here, who would be actually glad that my husband isn’t interested. My husband seems to still need it at every opportunity and quite frankly I find it boring , even though I never have a problem climaxing. I have never seen what all the hype is, even when younger, especially when you see the worst side of sex like rape, abuse etc.
I have always thought the term making love is incorrect as making love is showing kindness, talking, laughing,hugging and kissing your partner. The rest can stay in the cupboard, it’s just not for me. Saying that, as my husband seems to need it so much, I would never say no.

Think back to when DH got his tablet and could have gorged himself on porn.

That may be the discussion you need to have with him.

I agree that discussing a problem would seem to be the obvious place to begin. However, if one party says “talking doesn’t change anything” then talking won’t change anything (for that person).

Oh dear Nana, I guess he thinks that if its not a problem for him then it's not a problem. As several of the posts have shown there are a lot of people who don't feel the physical relationship is particularly important and that anyone who does is being unreasonably demanding. Treating them as as a prostitute I think someone said.

I think you are in a very difficult situation and that the only person who can find a solution for you is you. Obviously he doesn't want to be part of it.

I wish you well whatever your decision.

In a relationship I believe if there is a problem then you should be able to discusss and also be willing to try anything that might help. What gets me down is knowing that a) change of diet - no way b) Counselling - no thanks c) GP - waste of time. So we just give up? This is where my frustration comes in. When it's memwith a problem I go tooth and nail to find a solution.

I agree that there is more to a partnership than sex but there should also be a bit of give and take on both sides.

I'm with nelliemoser - it's unfair to demand sex from someone who simply doesn't want it. I accept it's complicated but surely there is more to a loving, lifelong partnership than sex.
Taking a lover isn't likely to do much to improve the lack of overall satisfaction with a relationship.

Ask him if he's OK with you taking a lover.

It's selfish not to discuss it with your life partner, surely? Even if its just to say "eff off! I don't want to get checked out, or take viagra, or find other ways to satisfy you."

I was going to add... The person who is "giving in" could start feeling that they are just acting like a common prostitute or a gigolo.