Gransnet forums


Hubby Gone off Physical Relationship

(120 Posts)
NanaPlenty Wed 06-Dec-17 10:13:53

For the past couple of years my husband has had less and less interest in sex. He's seven years older than me, I'm only 58 and not only is it important to me but I feel the lack of it is damaging our relationship. Every now and again when I've raised the issue he promises to make more effort but nothing changes. He absolutely hates the idea of seeing a counsellor - he is a kind of old fashioned man and quite private. I have been patient and tried to be understanding. I've tried putting no pressure on. I've made suggestions. He's seen a GP but never really follows is through. There has at times been a slight ED problem but the GP prescribed some viagra which he hasn't even tried. This is now becoming a massive elephant in the room and I feel sad, very anxious and at a loss as to what to do. I can't carry on like this but couldn't envisage life without him either. Has anyone else experienced this? Any suggestions lovely ladies.

hildajenniJ Wed 06-Dec-17 10:21:54

My DH and I haven't had any intimate relations 😮 for several years. I have learnt to accept that this is how it is now. In fact we have separate rooms as he cannot bear the heat! (Hot flushes). We still love each other very much and do cuddle up on the sofa together, hold hands when out etc. It's really like living with my very best friend. It works for us.

NanaPlenty Wed 06-Dec-17 10:27:15

I wish I could get to feel like that but at the moment I just can't 😢 Glad it works for you though Hildajenni.

Starlady Wed 06-Dec-17 11:08:18

Dh (dear husband) and I have tapered off over the years. But I'm ok with where we're at, and he seems to be, too. So I can't exactly relate to how you're feeling, right now, NP, but you have my sympathies.

Maybe dh won't go for counseling, but how about you? To help you sort out your feelings, etc.

annsixty Wed 06-Dec-17 11:28:42

I know exactly where you at at Nanaplenty but sadly can't help you , you both need expert help if your H is willing.
Intimacy was a very important part of my marriage but circumstances change and I now cope but I don't know how if I had only been your age.
Please talk to him more and say how you feel and that you miss the closeness of that side of your relationship.

humptydumpty Wed 06-Dec-17 11:48:54

I'm going left-of-field here: if this is so important for you, you could consider occasionally hiring the services of a male escort...

NanaPlenty Wed 06-Dec-17 12:36:50

Thanks all of you. Star lady - I could go on my own but I guess I'm scared of how I feel - I already know deep down this needs to be sorted out. Annsixty - I have told hi, and will continue to do so - I'm losing the will a bit as it's always me that starts the conversation and also the one that's bothered about it. Humptydumpty - your post did make me laugh out loud - could be tempting but I think I love my oh to much to risk it.

MissAdventure Wed 06-Dec-17 12:46:21

However uncomfortable it might be, I suppose you've got to find out what exactly is going on. Your husband owes you at least a frank discussion.

humptydumpty Wed 06-Dec-17 13:13:32

Was your OH keen on sex earlier in your marriage, or looking back is this more a natural progression from a low sex drive previously?

eazybee Wed 06-Dec-17 13:17:31

I am very sorry for your problems, but have no practical solution about your husband's lack of libido. It is selfish of him not to even attempt counselling, or consider viagra.
I hear more of the other side; I have at least five female friends who have said smugly, (whilst only in their fifties), 'oh I can't be doing with it' followed by a self-satisfied little giggle; their husbands are apparently not of the same mind. Only one marriage has split up. The others have booted their husbands out of the marital bed into the spare room, which seems unfair to me.

Luckygirl Wed 06-Dec-17 13:25:29

I should heave a sigh of relief if I were you OP - there are folk whose OH's illness and medication causes hyper-sexuality - try dealing with that! Like being under seige.

NannyTee Wed 06-Dec-17 13:41:32

My DH and I are both on medication which lowers the libido. We were never for quantity anyway more quality. I'm 51 and he's 43. Every couple of months is fine for us. Hope you get it sorted out x

NannyTee Wed 06-Dec-17 13:42:52

PS we do cuddle a lot though wink

kittylester Wed 06-Dec-17 14:13:13

Lucky - don't know whether to laugh or feel sad. (((Hugs)))

I have no answer for you except to talk to him, forcefully if necessary!

Hopefully, some male members of GN will come along and give us some insight.

Atqui Wed 06-Dec-17 15:59:18

I read in the Times this week that viagra only works if the problem is physical- not if its a psychological one.

Morgana Wed 06-Dec-17 16:02:33

His reluctance might be because he is worried about whether he can get an erection. We tried Via gra a few years ago but it didn't work. D.H. diabetic. Much as I originally missed that side of marriage I now think that no sex brings you closer in other ways. It is just a slightly different relationship.

NanaPlenty Wed 06-Dec-17 16:16:03

Thanks all of you. Looking back his drive has got lower over the years. I think it's a psychological thing really (he does sometimes suffer slight depression which doesn't help). Will try broaching the subject again. Watch this space 😊

Luckygirl Wed 06-Dec-17 16:35:13

Thanks kitty - I have decamped to a safer sleeping place. Phew.

cornergran Thu 07-Dec-17 00:05:19

nanap. If your husband is taking an anti depressant medication that could well impact his libido. If youve lost sexual intimacy please try to keep other intimacy, as has been said cuddling, talking, listening to each other, spend enjoyable time together, do household tasks together. All those things keep a relationship going and foster intimacy. Sorry, not much help, I hope others can be more helpful.

BabyLayla Thu 07-Dec-17 06:05:39

Nana Plenty
I feel for you, my husband is the same, I "forced him to counsellor" GP, sexy underwear, hotel breaks. I think we had sex 3 times in 2016 & once this year - upsets me imemesly
We are close, no problems with holding my hand, cuddles still enjoy each other's company.
I miss the physical side of our marriage, married 20 years and was amazing, dwindled when I was ill 10 years ago (severe depressive episode) and never picked up.
I can't bear to "make him" try anything else, he is a shy man very family orientated and so kind. It makes me feel rotten nagging as he is so embarrassed by this, he avoids.

Newquay Thu 07-Dec-17 07:10:09

All sorts of medication can have an effect on erection so it's worth checking that out. You obviously still have a close relationship and there are other ways to enjoy ech other without penetration. "For better, for worse" and all that!

Eglantine21 Thu 07-Dec-17 09:27:00

All kinds of feelings around a partner not wanting sex OP. Touch is important to human beings. If there's none of that either n wonder you are feeling anxious.
It can make you feel bad about yourself and you start to doubt your own attractiveness and that will make you feel bad about yourself.
Or the resentment at his lack of understanding and effort. He could still play a part if not a full one.
But if it's that "I'll explode if I don't have sex" feeling can I suggest a vibrator - just to take some of the pressure off (or on!).

LJP1 Thu 07-Dec-17 10:46:08

Sometimes it is a zinc deficiency - try oysters?

Good luck!

I suppose he is not on the way to diabetes type 2?

lovebooks Thu 07-Dec-17 11:00:13

Get yourself a vibrator.

marionk Thu 07-Dec-17 11:08:27

My ex gave up wanting sex more than once every couple of months before he was 50 which was a huge problem for me as I was 10yrs younger, there was a lack of intimacy too. I tried to find out the reasons, tried to get him to go for counselling or the GP for 10 years before I quit - he was shocked when I said I was leaving him and suddenly he wanted to do the counselling etc, but it was too late for me, I had taught myself not to care anymore in self defence.