Hubby Gone off Physical Relationship

Craftycat said "I think it is extremely selfish" This thread is more or less the reverse of a similar one where woman were complaining that their menfolk were demanding too much sex.

If one party really does not feel comfortable, emotionally or physically having sex, why are they being accused of being "selfish."
If you really do not want sex, you do not want it. Pretending you want sex, or giving in because you think you should is one quick way of completely ruining a relationship.

Ah bluebelle, having lived with a husband (faithfully) with a degenerative disease for almost twenty years before he died I absolutely don't think that if sex is not available the automatic response should be to seek it outside marriage. But then all those things you speak of, trust, closeness, caring, connection were there for me in my marriage.
Not so for the OP I think. She made promises but so did he. To love and to cherish. From what she and others have said there doesn't seem much of that. There seems to be a complete disregard for her needs and feelings.
I agree with NannyTee that to walk away from such an unloving relationship would be best, but it's not always that simple.

As a man becomes older he needs to be fit and take some exercise, or his ability to "perform" goes away. Being overweight and having clogged-up arteries make it even worse.

The ability - and the desire - also depends on having more testosterone and less estrogen.

If these are right he will have sexual thoughts like a teenager, wake with an erection and be chasing you round the bedroom !

If they are wrong, he will lose interest in sex, have erectile dysfunction and avoid exposing the problem

The whole subject is so emotionally charged that it is very difficult to deal with

Most doctors don't have the time to deal with all these aspects of the problem, so I have some totally different suggestions:

1. Search online for "BANT" ( British Association of Nutritional Therapists )

Search for 10 therapists near you and contact all of them discretely to see which ones have dealt with this many times before and have a good track record

Whittle that down to 3 and then go and meet with them - on your own - before committing to a consultation

I suggest this because changing his diet may be the most significant thing that you can do

2. Re-create the intimacy that you may once have had, with no suggestion of it leading to sex. By that I mean - be best friends, hold hands, snuggle up to him, kiss him and tell him that you love him, and no negative vibes

3. Take him by the hand and go for walks together

4. Take mini breaks, like long weekends away where you share you innermost thoughts and dreams and even fantasies

The end result is that you help him to eat more healthily, lose weight and take some exercise - and you fancy each other more !

Worth a try ?

Legs55 go to Anne Summers for a Christmas treat

My DH suffered from depression which killed his desire for sex, during the last 3 years (before his death from cancer) we made love no more than 3/4 times. I was widowed at 57 (he was 72). I coped with it because I loved him so deeply. We had had a very fulfilling sex life prior to the depression, Viagra works well if the desire is there but if there is a loss of libido it is of no use.

I have now been on my own nearly 5 years, haven't met any-one I would want a relationship with although I have many male friends.

I'm only 62, am I destined to remain celibate for the rest of my life? Maybe a trip to Ann Summers

Would also get him checked out for potentially blocked arteries. Those to the penis are smaller and fur up with cholesterol quicker than those to the heart. Hence no erection. ED can then become psychological. And also an alert to potential heart attack. Which is what happened in my unhappy household.
Also, re Viagra. It will help get an erection only if the taker is mentally aroused, it is not an automatic reaction. It can also have side effects if someone has potential health problems.
GPs can be fairly useless with ED. One prescribed anti depressants, which are known to suppress libido.
Sad I know too much about this subject!

This is obviously a highly charged topic! I'm not giving up at the moment but I have tried everything I can think of. My DH has no interest in watching blue films any more, dressing up is a waste of time (I just end up feeling stupid). I haven't put any pressure on him but yet the situation continues to get worse. I can't be cross or angry at the moment it's all too exhausting. Hope each an every one of you have a happy Christmas and a healthy new year - and thanks again to you all for your responses.

Engletine I cant agree with what you say about sex, even if it is the most important part of your emotional well being , if you love or are in love with the man then you except that he is not able and find a different way to get fulfilment other than looking for a lover
You see him being purposely controlling and cruel I see it that he may have a problem he’s embarrassed about and that you can love and live with someone without sex if necessary IF the love is there if not then you have to move on
You say what would the op be taking away from her husband if she had a lover well everything in my eyes she would be taking away trust for a start, their link, their closeness their whole years of marriage , there d be more than an elephant in the room if she was off getting sex outside the marriage
So you believe if any person for whatever reason can’t have sex then their partner should find it outside the marriage or is that only women ?

Totally agree with that. Just don't give up .

I really feel reading the posts that the more you are disappointed in your man the less he will feel comfortable approaching it - almost like he's been forced to perform - personally I would do these things
Stop talking about it totally
Have quality fun time together
Bath together no touching
Massage but no foreplay
Does he watch porn? Watch with him
And gradually build him up. Men under pressure don't react well. They feel less of a man.
And you can make this work if you love him enough.

Yes but I suppose the one that doesn't crave sex sees that as too much of an effort also.

There are other ways a man can give a woman sexual pleasure without penetrative sex, and visa versa - isn't this an option for loving couples where one craves sex and the other one doesn't?

So call it a day. Don't just take a lover and live with DH what's the point in that ???

Disappeared with his inflexible, uncaring attitude towards his wife?

I cannot understand the suggestion of another man for gratification. I'm quite broad minded but that is the wrong road to take. Where's the loyalty ...jeez

I agree with 123Kitty try a vibrator. Ann Summers shops assistants are very helpful and discreet. You may have to try one or 2 until you find out what suits you.

Good luck

Hmm, not to be argumentative - well maybe a bit- - but I'm not at all sure that isn't just one of those myths that men pedalled in order to maintain control over their women and deny their sexuality?

O Dear Nanaplenty....I'm the man in a similar situation that has prevailed for nearly 20 years with every reason under the sun put forward to defend it! I've had to take to a separate bedroom as well. The loss of intimate touching and loving is so badly missed. I have only coped because of our vows really but the temptation is alwaysbthere and it's difficult to thrust it to the back of ones mind. I don't have the option of a vibrator or similar which might well have helped to take the edge off. I often feel desperate to reach out to a lady in similar straits and there seem to be many many more than one at first presumes.....I ask myself every day...will I ever share intimacy with a woman before I die...I know it will not be with my DW but all the while "tempus fugit" is ticking away and it eats at ones soul in the end you know.
I'm so sorry you have had to suffer as well....it isn't comfortable from either end you view it from.
best wishes,
Tonyp

Since a sexual connection is IMHO closely linked with emotional connection for women th4e dangers of taking a lover are clear.

You see, bluebelle, there are those to whom the physical side of marriage is 'an extra' and those to whom it's a core emotional connection. To refuse the physical connection is to refuse the emotional connection and then what is there but one person dictating and controlling what the relationship should be.
What exactly would the OP be taking away from her husband if she had a lover? Nothing that he is bothered about.

Your last sentence jumped out at me, marionk. I still feel sad
sometimes that our relationship has changed so profoundly.
But I tried so hard for years to "help" my husband who became impotent after prostatectomy. He had support and advice from doctors, we did counselling etc etc.
He will not talk about any of this. And to save my sanity I have stopped trying and concentrate on my wonderful friends instead.
We live together but I feel we are like housemates....sad

MissAdventure - you're right and that's what I expect. If the shoe was on the other foot I sure wouldn't expect him to just put up with it.

Its hardly surprising that the women are struggling to know what to do. The truth is that you can't 'sort it out' on your own. It takes input from both people in the marriage to work through problems.

Marion6 sorry you are having these problems too.

I'm overwhelmed so many of you have offered advice. Babylayla you sound very like me, sometimes months go round with no physical contact. I have a vibrator but it doesn't make up for the closeness that comes from intimacy in marriage for me. The more time passes the more I can feel myself shutting down - a bit like marionk I'm not at the point of leaving but I'm starting to feel unattractive and undervalued. It's a bit like being a live in housekeeper - my hubby is t always the easiest personality to live with and some days I think without a physical relationship I might as well be living with anyone or on my own. Maybe it will take a shock to make him do something about this. The trouble is our GP is t really helpful and just says try viagra or I can send you to a urologist.....he isn't on any medication so that's not the problem. I wonder if maybe I should go for Counselling on my own I just can't seem to face admitting what's wrong - which is very unlike me and a sure sign my self esteem is low!