Adult children

Celebgran, so sorry that you are estranged from your daughter. But your son and his partner sound so wonderful and caring. It is heartwarming to read. How lovely that your son insisted and included you as well as his partners mother. Im so glad he made you feel special and loved. We never get invited to ac houses, and none of them have ever cooked a meal for us. It just doesn't enter their heads! I agree that they are selfish, but understand that they do have their own lives, its just that they don't ever think to ask us round or even ask how we are. One ac has now asked if we are cooking a late Christmas roast dinner at the weekend, for them? I am at a loss at to how to respond. I also know If I say yes then they, if they do turn up, will be late. We are not ' fixed ' stubbornly on a time for a meal, but know from past experience that their meal time is anytime and have turned up when we have finished eating, as we couldn't wait any longer and had delayed the meal as much as we could. This was months ago, since then even these 'meal' visits have tailed off.

Sorry can see you have daughter too, I am at loss to understand how they could be so unkind,

Bella2?That's so unkind and thoughtless!

I am estranged from daughter so sad but my son is wonderful and his partner has made us Xmas lunch for last 6 years we really don't expect it each year especially when her mum is over from s Africa this year, but ds insisted and it was so good to feel loved and wanted,

I think your children are incredibly selfish sorry if I am Being rude.
Is it 3 sons sorry I have forgotten ?

How funny IngeJones if he only new about our heart-breaking family dynamics!

My 95yr old neighbour over the road, always has family visiting, doing her garden, taking her out, get-togethers at hers, I think how lucky she is to be so cared for by her family.

The funny thing is my next door neighbor (in his mid 90s) family are absolutely amazing making sure he's included in all family get togethers and visiting or taking him out at least 3 times a week, and he sometimes has a little moan to me that he wanted to sit by himself in peace and watch TV instead :D Though I am sure he appreciates it really

Lynnieg & Bella2 So it's not just estrangement that finds us without our loved AC then. The empty nest syndrome hits us all, I look back on the wonderful Christmases, with all the family together, I loved cooking the Xmas dinner. Also the Christmas mornings, with the excitement of the children not quite the same with just me and my little dog

I must say that I did have a lovely Christmas day, with my niceD, GD, s.i.l & his mother. It's down to me next year, it's been so long since I hosted Xmas dinner, must be 5yrs, before that it was always me, for about 30yrs, that hosted the Xmas & Sunday dinners, all were welcome, the more the merrier

What? Have you read my posts?! Anyway she doesnt cook! My son is chef of the house and was multitasking. 12 years of not bothering with more than a passing hi or calling from another room has shown me shes just not interested.

It's possible the dil saying hi from offscreen was because ds decided to take the opportunity to do the video chat while he waited for dil to finish making dinner so she didnt have much choice other than to say a brief hi.

Starlady, thank you for your kind response. My son seems to be oblivious to his wifes lack of interest despite him being the most intuitive of my sons.
I had a lovely morning with my delightful step family and saw my local son briefly after work so I know Im luckier than alot of grans on this thread.
Yes you are probably right about people coping differently with loss of mums at a young age.

Storegranny, I feel for you, too! (((Hugs)))

TG, for your lovely sds (stepdaughters) and their families! I'm sorry for the loss of their mum, but, fortunately, it has given them a broader perspective than some.

Obviously, it doesn't work that way for everyone. Your and Madgran's dils weren't affected the same way, I see. Maybe they even resent other older mums since they don't have theirs?

I'm also glad you get to ft with ds & gc. Sorry dil wasn't interested (her "hi" from offscreen may have been a concession to ds, so he wouldn't think she's totally ignoring you, lol). But does it really matter? What's important, imo, is that you got to talk with ds & gc. There are some dils who would try to prevent that or cut it short. As long as she doesn't do that, you're all right, imo, where ft is concerned.

Welcome, Lynnieg! So sorry you don't get to see your 2 older dss so often. (((Hugs)))

It sounds as if ods (older dear son) is having problems in his marriage and you may be, unfortunately, experiencing some of the results of that. Not fair, but it happens. So very sorry.

Are you sure he and his partner are seeing her family so much more often than you? Isn't it possible they've been pushed aside, too, while the couple works on their issues? Idk if that thought is any comfort for you, of course. And, no matter what, I'm so very sorry it means not seeing your gc either.

Sorry you don't get to see mds very often either. I know it seems unfair that you called your parents so often and these 2 young men don't. But perhaps they prefer a different kind of communication? Emails? FaceBook messages? Texts? Videochat?

Anyhow, maybe it will be better when you and dh can travel to them more often, as you say. (Sorry about your prior illnesses.) Sometimes, it seems it's easier for parents/gps to do the traveling, particularly if the younger generation has little ones to contend with. Best of luck in the New Year!

Under the circumstances, Bella, I think you & dh are wise to be thinking of just doing things on your own from now on and not involving your ac. Let them wonder what happened. Just please don't let them talk you into changing your plans to spend time with them, just to (probably) let you down again. I don't usually say this kind of thing, but in this case, let them "chase after" you and dh instead of the other way around.

Thank you Yogagirl for your reply. No we didn't see AC or GC on Christmas day, nor will we see them today. I messaged them first, to wish them a merry christmas, otherwise I wouldn't have had even a message from them at all. I didn't do it too early, so it gave them chance to get up and open their presents etc. One AC had made arrangements to see us between Christmas and New year, but then just now cancelled again. So I think me and DH have given up now trying to keep communication and a connection going. They only visit or get in touch when they need us to do something, and I know it is hard not to want to help, but if there is only take and no give from AC, then it is sad that it is like this. We brought them up to be kind and considerate and yes - independent, but we just feel used. We don't expect to see them all the time or be in contact every day, as they, and we, have our lives to live and things to do, but it's hard to watch the ties slip away, and we can't force them to keep in touch or visit. I often visited my FIL without DH. I found him to be a quiet man, but kind and with a good sense of humour, who did care for DH and his grandchildren.

Thank you all for your replies, comments and views on the situation. I know there are those who are worse off, so I try and tell myself at least I am alive and DH is too, and we are together.

Thank you Yogagirl. I haven't seen them for over a year, they never come down here and neither of us drive so it's a six hours train journey and then an Airbnb stay. Hopefully we can get there more often as we've just retired and last year was difficult due to illness and problems with their relationship.
My middle son loves about the same distance away in the opposite direction but comes down more often. Haven't seen him since May though.
I talk to my parents at least twice a week, my mother more so.
Is it as a previous poster said? Some of this generation of 30 to 40 year olds are more self centred?
I had a very interfering mother in law so I've always tried to be non interfering and non judgemental.

Bella2 Just re-read your original post, I hope you had a good Christmas day yesterday, did you get to see your AC &GC or have plans be sorted for another day to all get together? I feel for you }}}Hugs{{{

I'm giving out lots of hugs today must be the Christmas spirit!

Lynnieg }}}Hugs{{{ When did you last see your Son & GC?

}}}Hugs{{{ for you to Storynanna
and all in similar circumstances }}}Hugs{{{

I have three sons. The youngest lives with us and is a dear boy and a great help and support.
I haven't had so much as a phone call from the older two today. One is working so will probably ring tomorrow but the my eldest who is the father of my two young grandchildren seems to have been taken over by his partners family. They had a rough patch last year so I think he is trying to do the best he can to keep the peace.
They live a long way off so we rarely get to see them. I have sent thoughtful and generous Christmas presents as I love my grandchildren dearly but I would have liked a phone call or even just to see a photo of them on Instagram.
I'm trying not to get too upset but it's like this every Christmas.

I think we'll go away next year

Me toox
Just done facetime and chatted to my son and children. All I had was a called out "hi" from dil in another room, cant even be bothered to come to the screen. Very sad.

Mine lost her mother several years ago. No interest in a relationship. Have had to accept it and come to terms with it! ?

Thank you Bella I am thankful yo have them in my daily life along with their delightful babies and husbands. Their mother died when they were little and it heightens their awareness of appreciate your parents whilst you still have them ! They also are scrupulously fair about sharing their time with the in laws. In fact they are perfect daughter in laws and much loved by their husbands families.
Im always telling themthey are a credit to their late mother.
The strange thing is that my american daughter in law lost her mother at a young age also but has no interest in a relationship with me.

Storynanny, you are indeed lucky that you have two lovely stepdaughters that respect you and consider your feelings. And yes, I am thinking of all those others in the same boat - and wish we can all just get through Christmas. Let's hope 2018 brings us peace if not resolution

storynanna Me too!! xx

Oh dear that was long and maudlin, I always smile and nod, keep all of those feelings to myself.

I’ve posted before about my sadness over adult children and how I’ve decided not to say anything to avoid rocking the boat.
It seems that so many of us are in the same boat. Do you feel that this particular generation ( 30/40year olds) are more self centred and less respectful of their older relatives? I had a very difficult critical rude mother in law but was willing to put up quietly for the sake of her son and our children.
I’ve tried so hard to come to terms with the distancing of my adult sons over the years, 2 live overseas, one local but working over Christmas. My adult stepdaughters are horrified at the lack of interest the boys show in my life.
One overseas daughter in law has zero interest in building a relationship with me and after 12 years of trying I’ve decided to give up and just be polite.
My other overseas son and his wife are always visiting her family in this country as “it’s their tradition to be together at Christmas” , well it was our tradition once also! They recently visited the UK for 3 weeks and I had a 3 hour visit from my son, the rest of the time was spent with inlaws a few hours away. If it was round the other way I’m sure I would be encouraging them to share their time.
I get very down about it at times and do get fed up of telling me I should be proud that I raised such independent children. I didn’t raise them to be thoughtless about their parents though, they always saw respect and caring for their grandparents and other elderly relatives throughout their childhood.
I am lucky to have such a lovely partner and stepdaughters living locally and a really good amicable friendship with my exhusband which means no awkwardness about family get togethers, but still can’t get past the feeling I must have gone wrong somewhere.
Best wishes and sympathies to all in the same boat this holiday, especially tomorrow. I know it is only a day, but natural to look back at happier Christmas days when these problems didn’t exist for us!

Sorry bella2 as it's a bit of a long thread now I didn't take on board what age range they are? I allowed my kids some selfishness leeway when they were in their teens and 20s, then at around 30 my daughter started observing the needs of family members but my son didn't. And mine tended to want to come around to visit at the same time rather than be "bored witless" by hanging out with old people. But as I say my daughter is different now. Are yours still very young?