Adult children

1) stop lending money if you're not happy to. don't lend and build your resentment at the same time. it's hurting for yourself and for your children.

2) be honest and ask yourself why they don't bother to make the effort to see you. i know it hurts but if you really want things better....

3) change yourself , not them.

good luck. I wish things get better for you!

Bella2 " walking across a minefield with no map" ...exactly! Very tiring and takes a lot of pleasure from things that should be simple and fun. Sad really. I have to try not to let it eat away at me!

Thanks for asking, crazyH. One ac is moving and didn't so much as ask to borrow money towards the deposit but informed us how much they would need! I was hurt at this, as there was no thank you after we decided to lend it as ac said they were getting a tax rebate which they would pay us back with. I know many of you will be wondering why we lent money again, in view of past experience. But ac has been paying us back recently, and had a shortfall for the deposit. Ac partners family are having the baby when they move, whilst I have been asked to help clean the flat they're moving from. It feels like I drew the short straw, or rather they chose the straw for me? At best it seems we have to accept things as they are if we want some contact. We've realised that they need us for certain things, without actually considering our thoughts and feelings. We are still planning on doing things for ourselves, and have made tentative steps in saying when we have made plans, and can't, at that time, do what they want us to. I feel for all of us who experience such problems, in whatever form, as it does really feel like it is walking across a minefield with no map. One false move, not intended to cause upset by us, can so easily backfire....

I am interested too, for similar reasons

Hi Bella2
Just wondered how things are now ... I have a different kind of family problem, but it all boils down to one thing - AC are insensitive to their parents' feelings.
All the best !

Yeah it's much worse over the xmas period. At least we have other stuff to distract us the rest of the year.

Calling in is not something that the AC partners have welcomed. Only been once to an AC's house, by invitation, and not had another invitation since. As AC is in work then it seems we are not considered when such invitations are handed out. As for DD, the situation there is very difficult, don't want to say too much, but calling in is not the best option, as we have sadly found out. We do not want to lose touch with AC, especially the sons, as being son's, we know that contact can become less until it can cease altogether.

As for food when they have visited, we have offered them food but they say no, ( even though AC has said they will come for a meal) and have a takeaway instead, as they eat at different times to us, but do not ask if we want anything lol

Funny old world isn't it.......

I am so glad Christmas is over and we can get back to 'normal', knowing that the normal is not what we would like to happen between us and AC, visits etc. We are trying to have a different approach to this situation now and just keep reminding ourselves not to expect anything and then we won't be disappointed.

Bella 2
I feel for you with your difficulties and really don't have a solution but can only say what I would do in your circumstances.
Things do change when adult children have partners and even more when they have children.
If the visits from any of your family are cancelled then there is little you can do about that.
I would call in on your families like the in laws seem to do. Would this cause problems do you think, only you know that. I would try it see what happens, ask the girl friends if any day is better than another for your visits that you know they are now busy with the little ones but you could help and would only stay for an hour or two.
If this didn't work and you get no positive response just phone but do not loose touch with the boys.
Your daughter and SIL need to sort out the in law problem before they take over, this you can't get involved in and I would keep out of it. But you could still call in on your daughter, so what if the in laws are there. Make it a lovely visit for your daughter and her children which I am sure your daughter will appreciate but don't over stay your welcome.
Never loose contact with your family but I would not be giving money to them.
When we become adults it is our responsibility to take care of ourselves not rely on our parents. I would just say sorry but we don't have any money to spare. If you are always the crutch they will never stand on their own two feet.
My niece was made redundant last year she could have paid off her mortgage but didn't instead all the money went to her two sons. Both in their 30s who all their lives have asked for money from her and she foolishly as given it.

We always get a takeaway when family come. It's the best way to cope with last minute changes of plan as well as catering for fussy grandchildren, who can select what they will eat from the menu without me having to choose between cooking seperate things or watching sulky faces at the table.

Yes, just offering drinks and easy to cook or snacky food is good advice. And making plans for myself and dh is the way to go forward, and not change these plans if ac want to visit, even at the risk of not seeing them or they take offence. I don't do new year resolutions, but I think this year is the exception - putting us first and not ac, as they are not our responsibility now. If they can't/ won't keep in touch or visit then a semi detached approach is a good way to think about our relationship with them all.

PS I think Starlady gave good advice. The thing is when they do turn up to provide tea, coffee, coca cola , sherry or so on and fast food such as pizzas , biscuits and cheese, buttered toast, or omelettes i.e. just stuff you have in the house anyway, and never to make any elaborate plans whatsoever for feeding them or entertaining them.

Bella, I understand how you feel. The bottom line is to look after yourself, and your husband if he is still with you. I know that you accept that you can't control grown up sons with adult partners. However I do recommend keeping in touch with children and their partners in a friendly sort of semi-detached manner even while they fail to reciprocate or even deign to reply. Later on you may need some help from them which they might be able to (or feel able to) provide. I really don't think that it would help to act from injured pride as the young usually have the power.

Some adult children's partners are generous by nature, and some are selfish, ignorant, or insecure.

Yeah I am lucky because even though I only see my daughter once a month (probably less once her little one starts school) at least she's reliable. The son I have spent all the years I am willing to trying to get on with and I'm done now unless he initiates some sort of reunion.

Bella, I hate to say it, but, imo, you really need to stop making plans with your ac. You're only setting yourself up for disappointment. If they ask to come over on any particular date, just say you have plans (you won't be lying - "plans" can even be to watch dvds all day with dh). You don't owe these entitled brats an explanation.

Hope you and dh plan a trip next year that covers both Xmas and New Years. And, of course, you won't be available before or after because you have to pack, unpack, recuperate, catch up with friends or whathaveyou.

Also, imo, it's time to "retire" from cooking for anyone but you and dh. Let your ac know those days are over. If they want to visit you for a meal, it will have to be at a restaurant. Maybe you'll even say that you'll be splitting the bill. Maybe then they won't agree to come, but there won't be any cancellations.

Bella 2 thanks you imdo realise we very lucky with our son and once we're with our daughter longmgone now.
Polly hope you find support group we try keep positive and just share our news not all doom and gloom but also try help each other in same boat?

www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/1240156-Support-for-Grans-cut-out-of-AC-GC-lives?msgid=26527133

Try this Polly

relationships/1240156-Support-for-Grans-cut-out-of-AC-GC-lives?

I did not mean to sound as confident as perhaps I did sound. My relationships with all my adult grand children are nil. Not even Christmas cards or thanks for presents. If I visit it's obvious that when they descend from upstairs to say hello they have been requested by my son to do so. I think it might be a form of ageism on their parts as I honestly don't think I am a boring person. Perhaps it's because I am not good at small talk. I don't know what it is. Sometimes there is a brief exchange on Facebook when there is a common interest. I am genuinely interested in what they do, and feel about things. When I said earlier that I have found that sharing an interest is the only thing I mean it although I have not made much progress I am sorry to say. I don't have the energy to actually do activities with them even if I wanted to which I don't. I try to accept what is.

Alexa, I understand what you are saying, and I do ask questions and try to be involved in subjects that don't interest me, both with AC and Gc. However, with the Ac they just aren't interested and never ask about what we are interested in. One-sided, it just feels lonely at times. I know none of us will share interests completely and it is another aspect of life we have to navigate - if we don't share interests then what??!! Do we just end up talking rubbish to one another till the visit is over......

We have been let down again over a visit from AC, that was arranged, so are trying to make plans for us and new things to do and experience. I want to move, but DH isn't sure.

Lol Poly580 :D

Alexa can you tell me how to navigate to estranged sons and daughters. I have searched it and nothing comes up. Many thanks

PPS They probably respect us okay, as parents or grandparents. Our status as interesting companions might have gone down the plughole.

PS for "estranged grandkids" pls read also "estranged sons or daughters".

Bella, I understand this situation too well! I have found that the only thing that works with estranged grandkids is genuinely sharing their interest whatever that is. In fact their interests might bore you quite a lot. However it's might be possible that you can share some interest and at a comparable level of knowledge, experience , or skill. only you can know what the interest might be. E.g. politics, academia, sport, arts, work, music, and so on

I don't speak from experience, but find myself getting cross about such bad behaviour from ones children. I think I would just be less 'available'. And leave my money to the grandchildren!