Divided family

Nothing to help you Floria but just to say how sad I feel for you and I do understand.
This myth that every other family is having "a simply wonderful time" at this "most wonderful time of the year" is mostly just that, a myth, for very many families, mine included.
If we are realistic we can cope but your situation is , on paper, solvable and I pray for you that one day, common sense and love for you will prevail.

I think I would write the same letter to both sons telling them you love them and asking which one of them will avoid yours or your husband's funeral. Explain it is concerning you that they cannot get together with you when you're alive and you would want ALL your family together at the funeral, when the time comes, to support their remaining parent. My guess is that both sons will want to be at the funeral so then you can suggest that if they can get together when one of you is dead, it is possible that, for your sake, they can they can do so before. They don't need to be friends, just civil to each other.

That is a sad situation, and you are right to accept what you cannot change. Interference would get you nowhere and is likely to worsen things. I hope you will be able to enjoy each of the celebrations and take comfort from the fact that each of your sons is happy to spend time with you, in spite of this rift. I am sure that this has been achieved by your tactful dealing with what is a very unfortunate situation, so hats off to you both.

I'm sorry you are so upset by your divided sons. We often hear of estranged adult children but I think it is also common for our children to fall out with each other, especially sons. My husband and his brother never got on though they were willing to be at the same large family gatherings. They cut off contact after their mother died. I know others the same.
Try to think positively in that at least you do have contact with all your sons.

My DH has a similar situation with his children - son a and youngest daughter so not speak to elder daughter (neither does her mum!). We see them separately though they did all attend our wedding albeit keeping well apart. DH has no idea what caused the rift but we do still keep both sides updated about happenings within their lives. It’s so sad, but at least they do all still maintain contact with their dad.

Should have proof read that, sorry

I would do what grannyactivist said. See how they respond.

I would leave it be. They are adults and entitled to make their own choices, the next choice could be estrangement from their parents.

Time resolves many issues and some issues, cannot be resolved. Interference can back fire.

I feel for you and understand as two of my children are estranged and also my two girls never see each other. So I have three children who do not connect. I often joke that they will all meet up at mu funeral.... We just have to accept....

It could possibly be worse if they were all together whatever feud has gone on between the brothers they appear not to want to heal the rift, , even if they were at gatherings together I feel it would be a very uncomfortable strained atmosphere, try to take comfort in the fact that you are in touch with all your sons even if its separate occasions , as far as funerals go lots of family members attend and do not speak to each other , enjoy the time you spend with them but don't alienate any of them some things are best been left unsaid .

Well put granny activist. Excellent advice ‘which of you is coming to my funeral?’
Sometimes the appeasing has to stop and it is time to get tough. Either that or go on strike. All of you or none of you. We really are not here long.

I am sorry that you find your situation so painful. I must admit that at my age it is something of a relief that the entire family can’t descend upon me all at once as in days gone by.

I wonder what percentage of families join together for the perfect family Christmas. I imagine it is low. There are no end of reasons, big rifts, transient rifts, distance, duty, sickness, death, to name the most obvious. I am glad I will see one of mine on Christmas Day, two on Boxing Day. A third is far away so everyone together probably never again.

Two of my siblings fell out big time for years but with increasing age came some understanding and tolerance and perhaps that will happen with your boys as well.

I hope you can get enjoyment out of being together with two thirds of the family. I would have been thrilled to have that proportion sitting down together at my 70th. I know they all love me and they know I love them and I am happy with that.

Let them be. Make your cup half full not empty. When having them for celebrations enjoy the event, don't dwell on who is not there

It is their fight not yours and by not speaking openly about the other family you are colluding and making an Elephant in the room. Put photos of all the family around the room. Make them aware you treat them both the same and are not taking sides. Why don't you discuss it with your eldest son? By not doing so it looks to him as if you approve. Tell them about your GGS, it is your news and I am sure us GNs tell.their families news that is not interesting.

Is it possible to invite all your grandchildren without the parents so they can meet their cousins?

Make a joke about who is coming to your funeral and you don't want glaring looks over the coffin. Enough is Enough, if you can't get them together stop letting them upset you.

I thought I had done a reasonable job, under the circumstances (many problems with estranged husband and living in a foreign country) bringing up my 3 daughters. Not so; they tell everybody I am dead, so they won't need to come to my funeral. I'd try the letters in your place - I hope It works

I would say, live right now and plan a joyful Christmas with each other !! Time is something none of us we have so pack up your pain and lock it up freeing you to toast happier days and have a great Christmas . Yes it will be hard work but you won’t be allowing your Days to be darkened by your children’s decisions instead you’ll be able to love them from a distance and love your Days .

I would go to each of the warring sons and get them to open up about the reason for the rift. Totally non judgmentally and saying nothing- just listen. Go home and think about whether you could create a compromise that would enable everyone to be in the same room together. If you can see that the situation is insoluble, you may feel better able to accept it.

Personally I wouldn't say anything about your funeral. You will be dead . Do not risk your relationship with your children which seems to be good. They are adults and should be left to sort this or not, as they wish. I am sure that Christmas is a sad and stressful time for many people and often not the wonderful family time that it is portrayed to be. It is sad for you but could be a lot worse I should think.

ajanela - I second that. Sorry this is biting you, but from the comments its clear most of us have 'something' family that is not 'happy loving etc'. And agree, don't say things just to annoy BUT don't let them censor you. It's your life too.

Sorry, I meant none of us know how much time we have...

I am very sorry for you as I am in a similar situation but have a different role in the difficult menage.

My mother is 86 and has dementia but still harbours a desire for my sister and I to be friends, a hope I still, despite many years of provocation, share.

My sister is five and a half years younger than I am and we endured rather rocky relations as children as we had little in common and my sister was, as mum puts it, intent on 'goading' me'. This situation changed when she grew up and my DH and I spent a good, happy decade being the best of friends with her. All that changed when she got married and aligned herself (understandably, of course) with her new family.

My sister has, for years, been jealous of and resentful towards me for no real reason except imagined differences in our financial situations. We both have the same successful careers, are both happiliy married with lovely children and both have nice houses in nice areas. In short we have lives that most people would die for. Now I am retired and my husband has been made redundant her income is in fact four or five times that of ours with much lower living expenses yet still she regards me as 'rich' and herself poor. It is a narrative she has created and maintains against all evidence and sense and it allows her to be truly horrible to me.

My sister scapegoats me as responsible for all the ills of her job, situation and family. She sends horrible untrue and 'venting' emails when she is under pressure. She gets so furious when she sees me she cannot control herself or her dislike.

Thus, I am in the middle of a situation which, should my mother truly understand, would grieve her terribly. Yet I cannot help it as the position we are in is entirely of my sister's making.

I am stuck with keeping up a pretence of amity during Christmas and other visits for my mother's sake.

You did not explain the nature of the rift in your family, Floriatosca, but it might be that it is all down to the ire and resentment of one individual. If it is, then it would be terribly hard on the others to blame them.

Feel very sorry for this family situation you find yourself in. Unfortunately you are the ones paying the price for something you cannot resolve and have not caused. In our long extended family there is a very similar situation to this which unfortunately will never resolve itself as the two sons involved both emigrated to different parts of the world to put as much distance as possible between themselves. You say you have three sons, does the other son have a good relationship with each of his brothers, he may feel it would be treading on eggshells to broach the rift between between them even if he knows the reason. Sometime these things go right back into perceived childhood favouritism, jealousies etc. Others when they are older may involve the opposite sex and rivalry. All I can say is to make the best of the family happiness where you can, and try not to let it overcome you. I often wonder as the years pass by if these people who have long held grudges against each other causing family upset, ever reflect as they age what idiots they have been, and if it is pride or false pride which has stopped them from being friends again.

I am so sorry Floriatosca, we are in a very similar situation with our two sons. All we ever wanted was a happy family and for a few years we had it but our older son and his second wife have decided they don’t like our younger son’s wife and over the past few years have made it obvious to the extent that family gatherings are uncomfortable. We had them all together for DH’s 70th but it was so uncomfortable that we had two separate meals out for my 70th a few months later. We decided to abandon family gatherings and went on holiday for our 50th anniversary when we would have loved to be together with our family.

I have tried talking to them but they are both stubborn so in the end I gave up and am resigned to it. It is heartbreaking as like you we worked hard to bring them up decently and helped get them on the property ladder. They have always been very different but wives can have a very strong influence on their attitudes and opinions to the extent that they become almost different people.

They are joint executors of our will so I have told them we are not prepared to change it and choose one of them so they will have to sort things out and support which one of us is left.

You could try letters but have experience of letters causing problems in our family so keep them factual and to the point.

I sincerely hope things work out for you as it is heartbreaking.

I agree with radicalnan here. You might not be able to change your sons' intransigence, but you can change your own attitude. Of course you regret the rift, but why spend your time being miserable at birthdays and Christmas when you have most of your family with you. The boys are still alive and healthy, aren't they? They might or might not sort it out, and it will be wonderful if they do, but why let it ruin the rest of your life constantly ruminating on it?

My only sister and I had a major falling out several years ago. Her husband treated our mother appallingly but she chose to side with her husband which in some ways I understood but it didn’t alter the fact that he refused to have our mother in their house. For our mother’s sake my sister and I attended family occasions and spoke when we had to. Since our mother’s death we have barely communicated at all although she did attend my husband’s funeral. Apart from that we exchange birthday and Christmas cards and no other contact.