Divided family

I can truly empathise with your situation as I know it only to well from my own experience, I have no answer for you or myself for that matter, ( not from lack of trying , just exhausted from trying).
At times the sadness of the situation is overwhelming, but then I just have to try harder to make the best of things...
I am lucky to have ten amazing & beautiful grandchildren, inside & out, all in spite of their parents rivalry with each other.

I am with grannyactivist on this one - they don't have to live in each others' pockets, just be civil and I'm sure they could do that at your funeral so why on earth not now when you can appreciate it.

Ten years is along time, you do say you may have an inkling of what went wrong, from what you know do you think there is any way back, I am not sure about the writing idea once something is on paper there is no going back, you or DH could have one last chat to son it has never been mentioned to and see if you get anywhere although I suspect it is water under the bridge for them both now. You say one DIL wouldn't be much help, how do you get on with the other one. I suspect as is so often said on GN you will have to keep out of it all so you don't have a fallout with them. We never have all our family together at Xmas for reasons of distance, just how it is.

Bless you, I know how painful this situation must be as I also have estrangement in my family, nothing I can do has helped and I end up depressed (which upsets my adult children)
All I ever wanted was a happy family
Take care,

The important thing is that YOU have a relationship with all your sons. Try to be positive about what you have. If your sons can't stand each other well, yes it's sad and difficult at times, but let them get on with it and enjoy your own life. It is their choice.

This is a very sad situation but like many, I think the only way forward is to accept and enjoy when you do see your sons. My DD has mental health issues and over the last 12 years I have tried to support her despite her constant letting me down or being downright nasty. My DH will no longer see her because of the pain and trauma she has caused to me - he is not her father. My DSs will see her but she often won’t turn up to events. I see everyone separately- not how I would like it but I now focus on my time with each child. At least there is no bad feeling which there would be if we were all together. I long for a ‘John Lewis ‘ family Christmas but am realistic - it would not be like that even if we were all together. The only person we can control is ourselves.
Try to focus on what you do have and I defy anyone to say everything is hunky dory in their lives all the time !

In practice I imagine that very few older parents get Christmas with all of their chikdren on the same day, because, once they have a partner, there are the in laws to consider, as they will also want to see them. Also, like one of my sons, they may like to spend Christmas at home with just their spouse and children, as they get very few times to just be together - what with work, grandson's clubs and football etc at the weekends.

At least you have a good relationship with all three sons and they all still want to spend time with you. That is something to be thankful for.

I really feel for you, my daughter who I THOUGHT I was close to went off, no family rows, nothing. Even sent a letter from a solicitor saying she wanted nothing more to do with her family. This was in 2000. Last month 18 years later she contacted me on Facebook and wants contact again. What a shock! We talk for an hour every week, but live so far away I haven't see her yet. She won't talk about why this happened, just wants to go forward , which of course I will. But can't help feeling very resentful about the wasted 18 years and missing the birth of my 4 grandchildren. Just bear with it and pray that things change.

Trying to not be tactless here.

If its a situation that can't be repaired then you need to move forward from that fact. Time is precious for everyone of you and you need to make the most of family occasions. If it means celebrating twice then make the most of those occasions. At least you have all your sons to share your life with.

There's plenty of people out there who would love one celebration of a birthday etc, you can have two. Albeit not as you would like with all together but you have the opportunity to have two.

It's sad 2 of your sons estranged.
However believe me you are very lucky indeed to be in touch with all three yourselves,

We have wonderful son who will be 40 in Jan he has just got engaged to lovely girl and has 2 stepsons,
However our daughter became distant after her marriage 11 years ago and gradually things altered until she cut us off totally 9. Months after making us proud grandparents that little girl is 9 now and 2 more born 6 and 4 never ever seen,
How wonderful if she gets back in touch like another lady on this thread her daughter did said here's hoping !

I wonder do your sons realise the distress their behaviour is causing you? My 3 DSs don't always get on and have differing views on many things, but they know that I would be devastated if they didn't behave in a civilised way when we have family occasions. Have you invited them to an event together or has the expectation that you will have two meet ups become the norm? Perhaps as your Golden Wedding is coming up you should plan a party and tell them all they will be expected to be there and to behave themselves and if they fail to do this you will be very upset. Whatever their differences they should be able to bite their tongues and turn out for you.

We've had our ups and downs over the years and some unhappy stressful times that I would not want to live through again so for all the grans who are in difficult situations, I feel for you. Happily for my family it's all come out in the wash. Time, patience and forbearance can be a great healer.

Grannyactivist -that was a very clever and helpful comment you made to help the poor writer. Have 3 sons too who I adore so sympathy.

I really feel for you. We are watching the same process happen with our son and daughter who are becoming increasingly estranged because of religious and lifestyle differences, and their support for their respective partners. At the same time we can feel our son's family slipping away from us as the grandchildren grow up. I wish I had some suggestions for you but I don't I'm afraid , just heart felt sympathy.

Floriatosca... I had just written one of my (often very long) posts when I found this: (I had hit on one or two points)

www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/30/fixing-family-feud_n_6582356.html

May this holiday season produce the miracle that you have been waiting for. Merry Christmas!

Just wanted to add that the article is written from the point of view of the aggrieved......If you re arrange the players, the advice still rings true (you get the gist).

I know this is a painful situation, Floria. As a mom, myself, I realize it must hurt you and dh a lot to see 2 of your dss estranged like this.

But I'm glad you've just decided to accept it and move on. That's the wisest course, imo. Trying to change things might just get you and dh estranged, yourselves, from one ds or both.

Reading your op, this jumped out at me:

"My husband has approached the son who feels most aggrieved son on many occasions in an attempt to broker some peace but each time this has been violently rejected. We accept this (we have no choice). The other son has never been approached about this."

Why did dh only approach the "more aggrieved son?" Did he ask him to put his hurt and anger aside, "forgive and forget" for the sake of the family? Even though your other son hasn't apologized? I can understand why that didn't go down well with ds. He probably felt as if he were being told his pain didn't matter. I understand what dh was trying to do, but I also see why it didn't work.

This got my attention, too:

"My husband had a most miserable 70th birthday lunch this year with two thirds of the family. There is always one family missing at what should be happy family occasions and the older we get the more painful and sad we become."

I'm a little confused. I thought you said you have 2 separate celebrations for everything, but now it sounds as if you just have one, with one family always "missing." If there were 2 celebrations for dh's birthday, why was he "miserable" when one family wasn't there? He knew he would see them at the second celebration. What kind of message did it send to the other 2 families that their dad/gf couldn't be happy with just them? Imo, you need to try more to focus on the ones who are there and less on those who are absent/coming another day.

I think it's great that you're going away for your Golden. You'll avoid the 2-celebration issue and give yourselves a wonderful gift, as well. But I also think you need to accept that the dual celebrations are likely to go on for a while. As others have said, many families do this, anyhow, for various reasons. Keep them simple (less work), separate and enjoyable.

Sometimes we have to accept the way things are and not how we want them to be and move on. It seems to me this is about your sons relationship with each other not their relationship with you. As sad as it is for loving and devoted
Parents, you cannot control other people's relationships even your children's, let go of the anguish and upset, be happy and in enjoy your time with each and don't dwell on what you can't have. Merry Christmas

Thank you all for your very considered and really helpful advice. What wise words of comfort and support. We will carry on as usual and accept what we cannot change. We are most certainly grateful that even with the split we enjoy having very good relationships with three families.

Sometimes it is not “about you” and you have to accept and adapt to something that will never be fixed. After all it is “fixed” for the individuals - they neither want nor seek reconciliation.

Just three points I would like to make. My husband’s birthday lunch. I know that the two sons who attended and their families did not at all feel there was anything “miserable” about it. I went out of my way to make it as happy and celebratory as possible with never even a hint of sadness that our other son was absent. I arranged drinks and canapés at the house before we left for the restaurant with lots of very happy photographs to record this happy occasion. It was only after everyone had gone and we were having a quiet drink on our own that my husband said he found it difficult, miserable and sad that we were not all together as he wished. We put on a very brave performance between us.

The reason my husband approached only the “aggrieved” son initially was he had to open the conversation somewhere. This son is the most vocal and very very angry. It would have been useless to speak to our other son when younger one made it very clear (loud and clear)that hell would freeze over before he would acknowledge his brother or iswife ever again. There was simply no point in even approaching other son.

We have decided to carry on supporting all members of our family, carefully juggling “family”occasions.

My husband and I have arranged pre paid funerals. We have left explicit instructions that Undertakers will organise everything once initial phone call is made. Firstly by remaining partner secondly be Executor. Sons to play no part other than by turning up.

On a happier note! Happy Christmas to all you lovely caring posters who have helped me greatly. I find I can now accept our situation with happier, positive heart.x

Elrel asks about your other son. I’ve wondered about him too... what IS his take on this? Does he have happy times with the others separately? Does he think there is a way through or does he think it’s best to leave things be?

Which is the son that attends as part of the two-thirds? Is it the less or the more aggrieved son? Does the other son see you seperately without either of his siblings, or do they both turn up to things with the uninvolved sibling, just at seperate times?

Hello. The divided sons are numbers one and three, youngest and eldest. Middle son, number two, is fairly and squarely in the middle.

Son number two has always been quiet and self contained. He will mix with either brother on the side of him but he would never initiate his own contact with them. He is just happy to turn up to any family occasion, enjoys it and leaves - no suggestions for follow up visits to either side. He is closer to son number 3 but neither one will invite the other to their respective houses always meeting up here (at mum’s). Middle and eldest sons have never invited each other to their respective houses/restaurants to socialise. Events always start with drinks with everyone going meeting here first, This suits them both. Add three totally different wives into the mix .........!

Middle son is solidly and unmovingly neutral and never ever discusses the division between his brothers......that elephant in the room still lurking.

Family events comprise sons three and two, their wives and child in one “side ” and son number one, wife and child on the other “side”. It is a good job I have an organised, logistical and tactful mind - just wish I didn’t have to. Sadly it is a classic case of Que Sera, Sera......c’est la vie. X

It sounds as if there's more going on here than you think, Floria, since middle son doesn't really reach out to the others either, nor they to him. Three very different personalities, I suppose. And as you say, their having 3 very different wives probably doesn't help their relationships with each other. My guess is that it's way more complex than you realize - much more under the surface, etc. - too much for you and dh to try to handle.

Once again, I'm glad you've decided just to accept it. I'm also glad our words have helped you feel better. I just hope dh comes to terms with it and begins to appreciate the good times you have with your dss and their families - even if separately - rather than suffering over "what might have been."

Thanks for the extra detail Well at least they're all still happy to see you! DH should try not to take the sadness upon himself as he's not actually the one missing out, and just try to enjoy the excuse to have two get-togethers each time rather than one. Actually a huge percentage of families have a similar division to negotiate.

It must be very difficult having tried to get your sons speaking again but the thing is they are adults and sometimes we just have to let them make their own decisions. Whatever the reason was clearly it was so bad that they are happy not to see each other again.
This is very sad and I can totally understand how much you worry about the situation but you cannot do anything about it.
Go to the separate get togethers and enjoy your time with each family.