Told your toxic

But Farnorth we don’t know what happened before the remark so how can we judge

OP How much do you want to continue the relationship? Did you have any doubts about it before the radio programme?
It sounds as if you made all the social arrangements, had he been leaving it all to you then suddenly realised he wasn't making himself heard perhaps.
While you're away you'll be able to take a long cool look at what you really want for the future.

BlueBelle, as always we can only judge by what we've been told.
The man may have had legitimate complaints about the way the relationship was going. If so, he chose a very hurtful way to try to get those across.

It wasn't just a remark, btw.

Only you and your partner know everything which as happened in your long relationship. People can say very hateful things to each other in arguments and regret it afterwards however your friend followed this up with the email.
Perhaps it's time to have a good look at yourself and see if anything he is saying is correct and you should look at his personality and the things which you believe are toxic in this relationship.
Sometimes as hard as it is it may be the time to move on.
Only you can make this decision.
I walked away from a husband who was a controlling an adulterer and a womaniser I have to say it's one of the best decisions I have made in my life. You have to know in your head what you need to do and not look back.
Life can be short make it a good one.

ooonana if you are interested in saving the relationship, then I think you need to have a discussion with him before you leave. If you don't, it will be in your thoughts and could spoil your time away. If he's gone too far, then tell him that and use your time away to help you adjust to being without him.

I can only imagine how hurt you must feel and I don't think I could forgive what he said, but only you will know what he means to you. If I'm being honest, I don't have a problem with him telling you to listen to the radio programme because he might not have been able to articulate his thoughts speaking to you face to face.

None of us are perfect but he seems to be dwelling on your faults. Does he not have any himself?

A three month break might be just what you need. I hope you meet a nice single man while you are abroad who doesn't think you are at all toxic.

Why are you bothering with him v being done?

Right folks the latest..... he is not only coming out abroad to where my daughter lives but he has also booked himself in to a local hotel for 5 weeks! Totally scuppering my me time with family. He has emailed my daughter and she is now very anxious for me that he is on my patch!! I need to get a strategy here folks .... if he thought toxic he hasn’t seen anything yet.... ideas?

This relationship is dead in the water! Let it go. Move on.

He sounds a bit unbalanced. Why would he want to spend 5 weeks abroad to be close to a toxic person?

Because he probably doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong, thinks he’s just been truthful which women are always telling men to be ?

Oh dear, ooonana. Sounds like he's afraid to give you time to think. Well, he can go where he wants, but that doesn't mean you have to spend a lot of time w/ him. I would either give him a couple of dates when he can see me and that's that or I would wish him a good time but let him know I won't be spending time with him.

If you choose the former, imo, you should limit the amount of time, too. Decide beforehand if you want to discuss the situation and stick to your decision. If yes, then hold his feet to the fire and insist that he discuss his issues with you or the visit is over. If no, you're not ready, don't want to spoil your visit with dd, etc., then let him know you're not talking about it till you're home and end the conversation if he brings it up.

Really, imo, he has a nerve!

Are you concerned that you might have to get a restraining order?

Has this latest development made you want to end things with him?
If so, tell him that and say that you do not want to see him in the UK or abroad.

If not, or you are not sure, tell him that you wanted time with your family and not with him for the next three months and that's what you will have, so he is not to get in touch.
There is a chance he'll end the relationship if you tell him that, of course.

Don't let him bully you by muscling in on your visit and demanding attention for himself.

This man has had no concern for you, in his cruel way of trying to communicate, and now in following you abroad, against your wishes.
He seems very self-centred. Do you really want to be with him?

ooonana I'm gobsmacked at what he's done!

He's not letting you make your own decisions. And he's dragged your DD into the situation. It seems to me that you're going to need to break it off now, or accept that he is not going to respect your feelings.

You need to be honest about how you feel about what he has done. Deep down do you feel like his behaviour is romantic? Or are you now filled with dread? I can understand that you don't want to turn your back on 16 years of a relationship. The older we get, the harder it is to start again. He's not done something like have an affair. But he's had the chance to compose that email and have his say. You have had no chance to discuss with him what's he said about you.

It's been a week since you start started this thread, so you've had plenty of time to reflect on what he said. Is there any truth in it?

If there is, then maybe you can work it out between you, but if not, why on earth haven't you told him it's over?

I understand that his delivery was offensive but is there any truth to his accusation? Are you toxic and why 3 months?

I don't think I'd want to have anything to do with him, I'd be very wary.

You need to make a decision fast and communicate it to him, preferably verbally. He is dragging your daughter into your relationship, which would make me very uneasy.

Could what ooonana calls "scuppering" her time with her daughter come under the title of stalking?

Latest.....his flights cancelled. Me going on my own Phew Thank goodness. We’re not communicating. He is trying to mend fences a bit but has another lady in tow to Christmas social events this week ......friends are good and a lot of support for me amongst people who were friends to both of us. Not exchanged Christmas cards. Merry Christmas everyone.

Sounds like he has a personality disorder. The good news is now that you've had some time apart, you have learned you can definitely live without him - and more happily than with him! What a big favor he did you

Thank you IngeJones, you’ve said what all my friends without exception have said.

Very best wishes for a happier 2018 to you, ooonana.