Anxious about anxiety

So agree

I had an alcoholic ex and I lived in constant turmoil until I left him after 11 years of marriage. Christmas was always a very bad time, he was constantly drunk leading up to and right through it leaving me trying to be 'all things jolly' so my 3 DC could have a good time. He died of drink one new year not long after we divorced Even now although married to a wonderful man of 35 years I still dread this time of year and the past still haunts me. I stress so much about family coming to stay and cannot wait for Christmas to be over and done with. I would happily hibernate and cannot ever see me thinking any differently. Luckily my DC seem far more grounded than me and it seems not to have affected them now they have their own families.

This is an interesting one. I have always been an over anxious 'what if' sort of person despite having a loving childhood. I always put it down to my Mother being the same. On the other hand, my only daughter is just the opposite thank goodness and keeps me on the straight and narrow anxietywise. She always says to me 'Mum, don't over think things', which is good advice. Its down to Nature versus Nurture, so Palliser stop beating yourself up about it. Your children turned out well. Have a great Christmas x

I so understand how you feel. I have suffered extreme anxiety since I was very little, but only 1 of my 3 children have inherited it. I also have agoraphobia, but can go out if accompanied. If I'm in a restaurant I cant even go to the loo by myself, as the anxiety and panic attacks make me disoriented. People just cant understand it, but it is crippling. I'd love to be independent and be able to get on a train and go places, but I can only manage a very short walking distance from home, and only on a good day.

I can identify with your childhood absolutely. I am also in my 60’s now and realise that my experience of a childhood overshadowed by an alcoholic father has affected me all my life. This only became clear to me after counselling and I was recommended a book called After the tears by Jane Middleton-Moz and Lorie Dwinell. It is a book which aims to help heal Adult children of alcoholics, and is a collection of real life experiences of children of all ages and it explains how we are affected differently depending on our age and stage of development when we become aware of the problem. It is very close to home, and reading it felt like reading my own childhood, and finally helped me understand the character traits I have always had. I found it cathartic to finally have an explanation for how I have always felt inside myself. It is available on Amazon, and I have no reason to recommend this book other than to say that I found it very helpful and I hope it may help you too. I’m sure you have been the best mum you could be, we all try our best to be the parent we wish we’d had, so please don’t blame yourself for anything you imagine is your fault. I hope you’ve been comforted by the supportive messages you have had on here.

And I see Al-Amin recommended by others too, great!

Hi Palliser

I too relate to your story, and I'm very glad Keffie shared about the twelve-step programmes.

I would only add that I get a lot of help from attending weekly Co-Dependency meetings and I believe there are also Adult Children of Alcoholic (ACoA) groups dotted here and there as well, both 12-step.

One of the biggest factors in these groups, and Al-Anon, is recognition that we can't change others. Easier said than done! But when you're in a group of people working on similar issues, it makes a difference!

All the best.

Dear All, this thread is a reminder of how many of us are walking wounded at a time of life when we might have expected calmness and inner peace. I am always astonished to read how many others were neglected/abused in childhood - it always felt like just me (because that was what I deserved.) And at least we can be open and honest about it today in a supportive environment. I wish everyone peace and as much joy as they can manage (and if some of that comes in a glass

in my experience (I'm a mum and a retired health visitor) a mum's default position is to take the blame for everything!

I too recommend Al-Anon it saved my sanity and my life. Please anyone who has or has had a problem with someone else's drinking contact AL-ANON it can change your life for the better. And it's FREE

Thank you all for taking the time to reach out to me. I do feel so much better knowing i'm not mad. I will look at Al-anon. I did CBT with the psycotherapist which is how I recognise the root of my anxiety and how to challenge my thinking. My very best wishes to you all in your own challenges. Hugs and hope 2018 will be one of your best years ever.

Thank you all for taking the time to reach out to me. I do feel so much better knowing i'm not mad. I will look at Al-anon. I did CBT with the psycotherapist which is how I recognise the root of my anxiety and how to challenge my thinking. My very best wishes to you all in your own challenges. Hugs and hope 2018 will be one of your best years ever.

palliser65 (and all who have posted) - Isn't it funny how when you need it the most, the universe offers comfort in some way or another? I was awake at 3:50 am, obsessive thoughts swirling, mostly about my DGD. She is only 6, and not in the healthiest of households. I am very much a part-time nana - I have a Court Order for visits every second weekend, and I have to bite my tongue, because I have been cut off once before and that was the most painful experience of my life.
I couldn't get back to sleep, so got up and started dusting (! - Hey, it's quiet!)
I looked at myself in the now sparkling mirror and did not like what I was seeing. Shadows under my red-rimmed eyes, just a tired looking old woman.
So, for me, just reading all your posts, has helped tremendously. Just knowing there are others in the same boat means a lot. Thankyou.
Oh and yes, I have been forgetting to meditate.......go figure.

Healthy Minds run brilliant free courses to help with anxiety and they are very very good. Might be a help to you or your family. Worth phoning and asking.

I believe that anxiety can be part of the human condition and that the more we resist it, the more of a problem it becomes. It’s true that there are therapies mainstream, and otherwise, that can help, but as a therapist myself, I do see that focusing with some acceptance of our situation is the cornerstone of all treatment....unless you just want to medicate. I would say, let things be, for yourself, and your children. They are independent and so need to look after themselves and unless you need medication for the short term, accept how you feel yourself, and allow it to be.

Please bear with my story. Towards the end it gives info on what has helped me as the ex is alcoholic. I wanted to give the backdrop and overview so others may identify and get help the way I did if they wish too.

I too had a violent abusive childhood and bought up in secrets and lies. There was no alcoholism as the secrets and lies couldn't stay that way if there had been.

I grew up and recreated my childhood in my adulthood: the additional though, was the ex was/is alcoholic and I am a sober one now 15 years. He is not in recovery and causing chaos else where in the world.

I am not going to go into the whole story however I turned to alcohol towards the end of the 16 year marriage which I finally fled in 2000 with my 4 children. The aftermath was out of hell. I was an evening drinker.

I got off the slippery slope very early and went to am A.A after three yests of evening drinking.

Through A.A I found the 12 step program and recovery. This also helped my problems without alcohol such as you talk about. The drink was the symptom.

From that I also found out about The U.K worst kept secret Al-Anon. Al-Anon is for the families of someone who is alcoholic, in recovery or not. The person can be as the posters position is, a family member alive or dead.

We believe alcoholism is a family illness. It affects everyone and generations on.

Please please go. There are meetings of Al-Anon everywhere all over the country. There is no referral or waiting list. There is not so many sessions and that is it. Al Anon like A.A is a rolling program who support each other as like minded people.

That is how it works, on identification and solutions. Give it a go as you have nothing to lose.

Here is the link to the website. I too attend Al-Anon as well as A.A because of the ex and it has helped my issues over childhood too.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/meetings/

I was fortunate to have a good childhood, but the 'what if's' happened to me. I was widowed at 28 with two small children when my husband took his own life, my youngest died of an incurable disease when she was 27, my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, my parents both died relatively young in their 60's, and I nearly went bankrupt putting my kids through university. But now, in my 60's, I have a positive outlook, put up with a certain amount of anxiety when my kids drive long distances, have to deal with work issues etc. My point is that you can develop a positive outlook to keep things in perspective and it is important to acknowledge what a good job you have done bringing up a fine family.

Tinglydancer
But we are not there yet are we.?
The EU did not happen overnight. It commenced thirty odd years ago and redundancies now are not a result of what might happen as WHAT has happened over the past thirty years.
Rome as you must know what not built in a day.
House purchases are now unaffordable to many That has not happened overnight.
I purchased my first property in 1969 at the age my grandchildren are now in 2017.
Ask yourself how could I have achieved this then whereas so many cannot do this now.?

Please don't blame yourself! We live in an anxious age, where this is a reasonable response. I think you should take time to feel proud of yourself for the life, marriage and family you have made after such a terrible start.

Have a lovely, relaxed Christmas and raise a glass to yourself.

I am thinking along the lines that we put far too much pressure upon ourselves to conform to what is expected of us.
Two hundred or more years ago we went to bed when it was dark and rose when it was light
Our anxieties then were providing enough food for our families and as many worked on the land grew their own or obtained work of which there was little choice other than working in the homes of the wealthy. Yes it could be hard we had no NHS to run to for tablets for our illnesses no phones or pc's but the pressures upon us today and the anxiety it brings and although we are living longer, at what price ? Our anxieties today , in my opinion, far out weigh that of two hundred years ago and lets face it ARE not the majority of these in the 21C of our own making.?

Don’t stress that you have passed your anxiety on to your children. Speaking as a Psychologist, it used to be that Depression was ‘the common cold of Psychology. It is very common, but anxiety disorders are more common. They are a feature of modern life and many, many adults who have never suffered childhood trauma, still develop anxiety disorders in adulthood. Mindfulness is the way forward. There is lots of information about it online. Perhaps buy each of your children a nice book on Mindfulness for Christmas (lots of lovely, very readable books on it).

I find myself getting more anxious as I get older. I noticed the same thing happen to my late aunt. If I have to drive my husband into the city I get so nervous, whereas I used to drive anywhere with confidence. Like the OP I tried to give my children the courage to do anything. We can only do our best with the cards that we are dealt.

only talking about this the other day to a friend who has a boyfriend who had bad childhood violent fater he went on to have ocd eating disorder mental health problems,it is very common and i have similar problems myself.medication helps a good cry helps and talking helps you are not alone in this,your children seem strong if they managed university etc,take some time for your self see your gp talk about things dont bottle it up merry xmas

Anxiety and stress are part of life these days I’m afraid. My daughter went into an anxiety state big-time after Brexit, plus changes at her work place where there were a lot of redundancies. She has had CBT ans ACT which seems the best way forward in dealing with such issues. I think anyone who is tuned in to the World these days can get very anxious. The thing is to try and stay in ‘adult’ mode and keep a balanced view.

You would be insane not to feel anxious in this mad world we live in. Anxiety like anger is perfectly natural. I have found working with younger people, as my clients, that many do not separate anxiety from excitement terribly well, in fact a lot of people can't define their emotions very well at all.

Sounds to me as if you are a brillaint survivor of some pretty unpleasant stuff, did you pass that on too? I expect you did.

Catastrophising is an absolute menace, but easy to recognise and control. Work out which you are doing and try to re frame them more positively to suit yourself.