Anxious about anxiety

Oh palliser this could be me. I too had a violent alcoholic father and we were neglected as children (7 of us). It has had a drastic effect on me. I feel as though I have been fearful every day of my life and now at aged 68 and I still am. I only had one child and I was never ambitious for her. I just wanted her to be like the other children - clean, well cared for and to have the best we could give her. Thankfully she is not a bit like me. She is far more confident (like my DH). I constantly catastrophise too. Since I married in the '60s I have had a nice life but somehow it has stayed with me. The 'what if' thing is always there. I try hard to just get on with life, though some days this is hard. I have no advice other than it's not your fault and you have done a wonderful job by the sounds of it. Believe me you are not alone. Some anxiety is natural. I know my granddaughter is anxious about starting university but she is bound to be. It's when it gets out of hand that the problems occur.

Can you speak to your GP about this? I don't think you can do much about your children but don't worry too much about them, it may be that it is just when talking to you that they feel this way because it is the way they were brought up. They may be fine in their own environment.

Are you sure they suffer from extreme anxiety or normal anxiety? My anxiety gives me warped thinking and I often see things as far worse than they are.

Mine too vq As I said above most people suffer anxiety of some description. Hopefully palliser's children are just normally anxious if that makes sense.

There's a lot of public catastrophising—just think about all the scare stories about that big EU thing that's exercising the government at the moment ?

And that's only one catastrophy generator out of many.

Thank you so much everyone. Of course I never thought some anxiety is natural!!! You see how talking about something just helps and gives perspective. Of course my children talk to me about issues. KatyK it is hard isn't it but I do try and be grateful for the rest of my life which i think you do too. Thank you very much for your understanding. Have a lovely Christmas everyone.

Yes palliser it is hard but I think we are doing very well!
Happy Christmas.

Well done to you I say. Despite your own traumatic upbringing you have forged a life that seems to have had so much to celebrate. A certain level of anxiety is healthy in today’s world so well done in instilling it in your children.
And for recognising and seeking help for your own anxieties.Good luck with that and Merry and healthy Xmas.

I can highly recommend Cognitive Behavioural theraphy and/or great books on catastrophising...whatever the root cause...and have been able to support and steer DD, now extremely confident at uni, by embacing coping strategies.

If it isn't just normal anxiety, but something more for some of your children, they know where it comes from and why, as you have obviously a good relationship with them and they know about your traumatic childhood. So they will know where to start, if they feel they need professional help.

In other words, don't worry about it.

Thank you for your post which really resonated with me. I had a very difficult childhood and have suffered from a galaxy of problems in my life all with underlying high anxiety levels as the root cause. I have had a lot of counselling. Both my children have been to university, have good careers and are wonderful, but they are 'worriers' and I frequently feel guilty that I have in some way caused them to be like this. I dont have any answers. What is done is done. But I do truely believe that both my children know how much they are loved and that was something I didnt have in my life as a child. It sounds as if this is true for you too. Worrying isnt all bad, sometimes its useful and motivating, its just when it gets out of control its not good. So far neither son or daughter have out of control anxiety and I do everything I can to keep close to them and demonstrate how much I love them which is all I can do now. We are very open about my anxiety and turn it into a bit of a joke so nothing is lurking under the surface. Luckily we are living in a different era now where people are much more able to bring issues into the open and address them.

I am so glad you said that Lizhand. I had CB therapy when my son died and as our gd suffers from anxiety she went to CAMHS. Both of us found our therapy a lot of help.

Dear Palliser - your letter brought back memories and I am so sorry that you have never got over the problems of your childhood. You have raised a great family and it is lovely that you all get on so well. Your children do not have your memories. They might well have some problems of their own to cope with and your experiences could help them. If you need someone to talk to you could try your GP or even try a hypnotherapist - they are often experienced in helping people cope with anxieties. Your children might well find it stressful trying to give their families the "perfect" childhood that you strived to provide. Let them know that you are there for them to give support and love. Christmas wishes

Anxieties often seem less when we share them. Sadly we who suffer from trauma anxiety often feel we can't share because warped thinking makes us think we shouldn't or that people wouldn't understand or that we would simply be unloading on people who are too busy to be bothered with our problems.

You would be insane not to feel anxious in this mad world we live in. Anxiety like anger is perfectly natural. I have found working with younger people, as my clients, that many do not separate anxiety from excitement terribly well, in fact a lot of people can't define their emotions very well at all.

Sounds to me as if you are a brillaint survivor of some pretty unpleasant stuff, did you pass that on too? I expect you did.

Catastrophising is an absolute menace, but easy to recognise and control. Work out which you are doing and try to re frame them more positively to suit yourself.

Anxiety and stress are part of life these days I’m afraid. My daughter went into an anxiety state big-time after Brexit, plus changes at her work place where there were a lot of redundancies. She has had CBT ans ACT which seems the best way forward in dealing with such issues. I think anyone who is tuned in to the World these days can get very anxious. The thing is to try and stay in ‘adult’ mode and keep a balanced view.

only talking about this the other day to a friend who has a boyfriend who had bad childhood violent fater he went on to have ocd eating disorder mental health problems,it is very common and i have similar problems myself.medication helps a good cry helps and talking helps you are not alone in this,your children seem strong if they managed university etc,take some time for your self see your gp talk about things dont bottle it up merry xmas

I find myself getting more anxious as I get older. I noticed the same thing happen to my late aunt. If I have to drive my husband into the city I get so nervous, whereas I used to drive anywhere with confidence. Like the OP I tried to give my children the courage to do anything. We can only do our best with the cards that we are dealt.

Don’t stress that you have passed your anxiety on to your children. Speaking as a Psychologist, it used to be that Depression was ‘the common cold of Psychology. It is very common, but anxiety disorders are more common. They are a feature of modern life and many, many adults who have never suffered childhood trauma, still develop anxiety disorders in adulthood. Mindfulness is the way forward. There is lots of information about it online. Perhaps buy each of your children a nice book on Mindfulness for Christmas (lots of lovely, very readable books on it).

I am thinking along the lines that we put far too much pressure upon ourselves to conform to what is expected of us.
Two hundred or more years ago we went to bed when it was dark and rose when it was light
Our anxieties then were providing enough food for our families and as many worked on the land grew their own or obtained work of which there was little choice other than working in the homes of the wealthy. Yes it could be hard we had no NHS to run to for tablets for our illnesses no phones or pc's but the pressures upon us today and the anxiety it brings and although we are living longer, at what price ? Our anxieties today , in my opinion, far out weigh that of two hundred years ago and lets face it ARE not the majority of these in the 21C of our own making.?

Please don't blame yourself! We live in an anxious age, where this is a reasonable response. I think you should take time to feel proud of yourself for the life, marriage and family you have made after such a terrible start.

Have a lovely, relaxed Christmas and raise a glass to yourself.

Tinglydancer
But we are not there yet are we.?
The EU did not happen overnight. It commenced thirty odd years ago and redundancies now are not a result of what might happen as WHAT has happened over the past thirty years.
Rome as you must know what not built in a day.
House purchases are now unaffordable to many That has not happened overnight.
I purchased my first property in 1969 at the age my grandchildren are now in 2017.
Ask yourself how could I have achieved this then whereas so many cannot do this now.?

I was fortunate to have a good childhood, but the 'what if's' happened to me. I was widowed at 28 with two small children when my husband took his own life, my youngest died of an incurable disease when she was 27, my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, my parents both died relatively young in their 60's, and I nearly went bankrupt putting my kids through university. But now, in my 60's, I have a positive outlook, put up with a certain amount of anxiety when my kids drive long distances, have to deal with work issues etc. My point is that you can develop a positive outlook to keep things in perspective and it is important to acknowledge what a good job you have done bringing up a fine family.

Please bear with my story. Towards the end it gives info on what has helped me as the ex is alcoholic. I wanted to give the backdrop and overview so others may identify and get help the way I did if they wish too.

I too had a violent abusive childhood and bought up in secrets and lies. There was no alcoholism as the secrets and lies couldn't stay that way if there had been.

I grew up and recreated my childhood in my adulthood: the additional though, was the ex was/is alcoholic and I am a sober one now 15 years. He is not in recovery and causing chaos else where in the world.

I am not going to go into the whole story however I turned to alcohol towards the end of the 16 year marriage which I finally fled in 2000 with my 4 children. The aftermath was out of hell. I was an evening drinker.

I got off the slippery slope very early and went to am A.A after three yests of evening drinking.

Through A.A I found the 12 step program and recovery. This also helped my problems without alcohol such as you talk about. The drink was the symptom.

From that I also found out about The U.K worst kept secret Al-Anon. Al-Anon is for the families of someone who is alcoholic, in recovery or not. The person can be as the posters position is, a family member alive or dead.

We believe alcoholism is a family illness. It affects everyone and generations on.

Please please go. There are meetings of Al-Anon everywhere all over the country. There is no referral or waiting list. There is not so many sessions and that is it. Al Anon like A.A is a rolling program who support each other as like minded people.

That is how it works, on identification and solutions. Give it a go as you have nothing to lose.

Here is the link to the website. I too attend Al-Anon as well as A.A because of the ex and it has helped my issues over childhood too.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/meetings/