Mum very poorly, dad being ridiculously stubborn ☹️ ?

Social services have a duty of care and your mum sounds like a vulnerable adult. Surely her hospital admissions should be ringing alarm bells for everyone including the hospital. You say your dad is capable of living independently but his behaviour is strongly suggestive of the onset of some type of dementia so his welfare is priority too. You and your family cannot ignore the situation now that you know what’s going on. I would start with the hospital social worker. Ask for an interview and explain what’s been going on, and that you need a professional opinion and involvement from the appropriate authorities. T

I had a similar experience last year with an elderly uncle - my aunt refused to believe he was ill and he was admitted to hospital three times in a very short space of time as she wouldn’t look after him. She was subsequently diagnosed with dementia and because they were self funding, the house was sold to pay for their care and they found placements in the same care facility. You really need to step in and take control of the situation away from your dad before something disastrous happens and now that your mum is back in hospital it’s the ideal opportunity to get the help you need.

You and your sister are going to have to take turns as live in carers.

...after about six months your parents will agree to rely more on council approved carers carefully selected by you.

Your Dad may be too proud to say “please help us” so you may have to insist.

Remote control heating, yes. I'm thinking also an electric blanket in armchair. A heated chair? I wonder if they exist.

I think your mums state of mind needs to be established. Is she of sound mind, or temporarily not, because of being so poorly?
Your dad can of course do what he wants, and make his own choices. Your mum, on the other hand may not be able to, and that is when she becomes vulnerable, and we all have a duty to protect the vulnerable, both professionally, by law, and personally.

Hi Loopylou.
Sounds to me like your dad has early stages of dementia with no insight....I've worked as a dementia specialist for 25 years and this is a typical scenario.
Can you speak to his gp and ask her to do a formal assessment and also fill her in on all the background?
If his capacity is in doubt then his objections can be ignored and your mum given the care she needs or wants. Residential might be her preferred option.
Good luck ?
Val

Remote heating only works f you have wfi in your house ( fairly sure of that??).

loopylou - your siuation sounds very like what DH went through in 2016 with his parents and if your parents have mental capacity and refuse help, there may be little you can do until there is a "crisis" of some sort.

FIL was a control freak and very miserly despite large savings in the bank and they both hated "strangers" coming into the house. MIL is blind and has limited mobility and FIL was her carer. He would sit in the warmer dining room all day and she had to sit in the cooler living room. He wouldn't turn the heating up because he was warm enough thank you.

When he developed a heart condition in 2016 he kept it from us for ages and was too weak to cook every day so they both went without proper meals. Neighbours shopped for him so he managed without our help. He died at the end of 2016 after a year of overdoing it because he refused help.

I would adopt the emotional blackmail tack and say in front of both of them that his stinginess and neglect are killing your mother and that if he doesn't start looking after her properly, she will either die or have to go into a care home which will cost him a lot of money as they won't qualify for free care with his savings.

Don't expect too much though. She is probably afraid of him and will kow-tow to anything he wants.

It may be time to think about letting your Mum die. When our Dad had been through two years of extremely distressing (for him and us) mental and physical ill health he then contracted pneumonia and like your Mum, was admitted to hospital. I asked the medical staff not to give him antibiotics, but simply to keep him comfortable. He died, peacefully within a couple of days. Pneumonia is known as "the old man's friend: because it often brings a fairly swift and painless end to a life that was already of poor quality and would otherwise have continued to decline. There's an interesting article on this issue in the Guardian. www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2008/mar/22/nodiseasesforoldmen

I think Ilovecheese has it right and then moving on to oldmeg. It is utterly surprising what people will do for rewards.
Relationships are complex whatever the age. Bring in outsiders as last resort. I do like oldmegs advice on keeping diary though and informing gp to be more proactive. You can’t appear to be too heavy handed with your father, be a bit clever as much as you want to tell him how you actually think. Your mother has been colluding with his behaviour for years. There are always reasons and payoffs. You really must talk to your mother more about what she really wants. She has a lot of power if she wants to use it. Good luck must be infuriating. I don’t like the way these people are being written off in their decision making because they are in their nineties. It is very difficult make sure you don’t go too far. Your father is sane just controlling like many men you must find a way not to take too much from them at this time. It is obvious your mother would like to be looked after by him better. She wouldn’t want him destroyed.

However abusive this may seem to the rest of us, this couple have been living their own ways for ages, tamper with that at your peril.

If GP knows and others are aware, then he is exercising his right to have who he chooses in his own home.

Your mother's only other choice might well be a care home, I have been into a fair few of those in my time, she would probably be better off at home as she has you and your sisters for support.

Self funders are the Cinderellas of care, they have no one fighting their corner and some of the bought in care is rubbish.

Your dad is entitled to do things his way, whether you like it or not. I suggest plenty of snuggly clothing and bedding for your mum this Christmas and maybe an electric throw.

You and your sisters will be able to help her bathe and take her some nice meals. Whatever has kept your parents together all these years is probably what keeps them going now.

It's ok getting advice but the social worker we're dealing with is ridiculous saying our elderly mother in law ismokmcant walk properly 95!-and is capable of staying in own house with care package she's deteriorating daily and will not get into a home if they are funding it!!! The system is ridiculous I feel for you I do x

I think its ultimation time here your mum is been neglected and abused , you and your sisters have to face him together and say this is non-negotiable either mum goes in a home where she will get the care she needs or you have the carers in and keep the heating on , one or the other , if he still wont play ball then very calmly say ok then a home it is we will make the arrangements the money is for both your care , then ask the ss to find her somewhere for a few weeks of respite , then take it from there .. good luck

Poor loupylou I know exactly how you feel. IME what usually happens is that a fella like your dad won't face up to things but is eventually forced into it by a crisis. That's what it sounds like now. You could continue to 'tell him like it is' but it's like water off a duck's back. Sorry I don't have any practical suggestions but vent here all you need.

What a sad situation. I agree with all that has been said with regard to social services. Whatever happens with them confirm it in writing or set out clearly anything they are getting wrong (if they are not speaking to her alone for example or if your father tells lies). It is surprising how often people in authority will fob people off when they are talking but will react when problems are recorded in writing.
As others have said, AgeUK should help you and they should be able to tell you exactly what your mother is entitled to expect from Social Services.
Your father sounds very like mine and I know how difficult they are. The last I heard he was being abusive to his wife. The problem is that his behaviour has isolated her and she picked up some of his bad behaviour so I don't think anyone is stepping in. When her son and his wife had a child with Downs' they both said that they were very nasty about it and said, in effect, that they could try again and do better next time (and she used to run a kindergarten and knew about disability). I'm glad my mother escaped.
He obviously won't change at his age and I hope that you are able to remove your mother from the situation. Good luck.

loopylou
You have done your best.For your mothers sake this is now a matter for adult social care/social services whatever the financial circumstances.Your mothers GP should be your first port of call as he can set the ball rolling.

Your father sounds very canny, knows exactly how to play social services,and I doubt if he will listen to anyone about how to manage heating and bills. I suspect his motivation is purely financial; he knows that if your mother goes into a home he will be expected to contribute, and his finances will be examined. If he is like my father his attitude is: 'it is my money,' completely ignoring any financial contribution my mother made. What worked in her favour was that the house was in his name only (!!) so the state had to provide for her and find a place in a nursing home.
Would it be worth taking her into your home, which you say is unsuitable; this might aid your case to get her onto a home?

I think CAB and doctors' surgeries have leaflets and posters on what to do if you suspect elder abuse.

Give your father an ultimatum - either he turns up the heating and allows carers in, or your mother goes into a nursing home. They are married and everything they own is joint he needs to move into this century. To withold care is abuse.

In fact, why not get a solicitor involved to write a letter. See what CAB or Age concern say - I imagine there have been other cases like this.

Tell him if she dies as a result of him denying her the type of care the doctors advised, that he will be charged with manslaughter and remind him that many elderly men in recent years have been put behind bars - age no excuse. In fact probably nothing would be done at all, but the fear of it might make him reconsider his position

Very sorry for your situation; it is very similar to what I went through with my father and mother. You won't get anywhere trying to change your father's attitude, and the law is on his side; he is the owner of the property and has the right to refuse entry if he so chooses, even though it is for his wife.
Concentrate on the hospital , the doctor and social services to support your case. Gather evidence about your mother's condition and needs and the fact that your father is not caring for her properly; badger the authorities until she gets respite care. It is a horrible situation having to fight your own parent, but your mother is in dire need of proper care. At least you live relatively close and have your sister to share the burden.

I wonder if he is actually worried about the cost of the heating (and won`t admit it). You could suggest that someone takes a look at his bills to see if they could be reduced - if he`s been with the same supplier for years he could make substantial savings by switching. I recommend getting a male relative to discuss this with him - he probably thinks women don`t know about such things.
You say he doesn`t have dementia but he might not be coping as well as you think (this was the case with my dad). He could feel embarrassed about this and be worried that your mum`s carers will notice that things aren`t right.
I think you should get you mum into respite care at a nursing home for a few weeks to buy yourself time to sort out finances etc. Then you will have to bite the bullet and tell your dad what is going to happen whether he likes it or not. I know that is extremely difficult but it comes to most of us who have elderly parents

I was in a similar situation with tragic consequences. I found one very useful phrase to SS was that “My Mum is a vulnerable adult. My Stepfathers refusal to accept help is jeopardising her life”. They were also self funding, but SS have a responsibility to ensure your mum is safe.

My Stepfather refused help from every professional and it was only when he was hospitalised that I could get my mum away. A lovely Social Worker at the hospital told me what to say.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know SS are overworked, but it should not take a crisis before your mum is helped. They cannot hide behind your Father, as their duty is towards your Mum,

"He wouldn't countenance POA" but your mother could set up POA for herself, so you could deal with health and welfare.
She could also name you or one of your sisters as next of kin, so her care would need to be discussed with you, not your dad.

SS can put a legal charge on their home and assets and they recoup what they have spent when she dies.

It would be recouped after both of them have died, so the survivor would not be put out of their home.

The fact they're self-funding shouldn't affect the support you get from SS. If the doctor knows the situation and can be persuaded to contact SS, his/her word will carry much more weight than yours does.