Mum very poorly, dad being ridiculously stubborn ☹️ ?

An awful situation to be in, especially fir your poor mum who it appears needs support and practical help which your father stopped last time. However if your mum says she wants to go home theres not a lot you can do other than go over regularly if you arent too far away and make sure she and your father are ok.
If she didn't want to go straight home she could go for a respite break if thats available where they live. This could be closer to you if you choose.
Awful situation but not a new one unfortunately. You could perhaps have a word with their GP who may be able to help.

Does he manage to look after himself, or do you and your family help him with meals, washing housework etc?
If you give him any help you could refuse to continue until he at least heats the house. if your mum is safely in hospital at the moment she wont suffer from you withdrawing your services.
If he does manage alone could you bribe him?
e.g." I will cook you a roast dinner if you turn the heating up"
"I will do your washing if you let carers come in at least once a day"
You must be at your wits end.

Of course half of the money they have equally belongs to mum which could be used for her care, though easier said than done,. You say hour father takes no notice of the gp but still think its worth discussing with gp yourself, good luck, so sorry.

Oh loopyloo how worrying I feel angry at your dad on your behalf Is he always like this or has he dementia I know when my mum started with dementia she wouldnt let anyone like Carer´s cleaners in ‘her’ house and even I was resented she told me it was her place to look after dad not mine ( she was never like that normally)
The heating is worrying as your mum needs to be warm and comfortable
I do hope you can find a way around this big problem

I agree with silverlinings. If you can get your Mum to accept the need for respite for a while, she might want to stay.

You can always say, 'The doctors think it would be a good idea etc....' Older people (older than us!!) can sometimes be persuaded by mentioning 'the doctor', you might even prevail upon the doctor to actually say it if you talk about your concerns to him/her!! That would give you a little breathing space to work on your dad. Good luck!

Surely social services should be involved and 'safe guarding' your mother as your Dad's behaviour could be seen as a form of neglect.

I think I would contact social services and explain the whole situation to them. At the very least they may come out to assess your mum. Then they could have (stern) words with your dad.

Thank you everyone!
Dad's perfectly capable of living independently, and indeed does so when Mum's not there. Social Services won't get involved because a) they're self-funding and b) he gives them all the right answers. GP knows the situation and he lies to her too. I know it's neglect and have told him so; he simply turned the heating up for an hour or so then turned it back down. I live 30 miles away, two sisters live closer but he ignores anything they say.
Mum would happily go into a nursing home but....dad won't pay!
I could cheerfully kill him ?

You must contact Social Services and inform them you are keeping a diary, and will note their lack of action. Threaten them and him by saying if your mother suffers (and in the worst scenario dies) because of their apathy, you will produce the evidence at an inquest or hand it to the media.

Someone needs to champion your mother against this bully.

Can you get a smart hub (is that the right name?) installed. My DD and SiL have one and they can remotely turn their heating on from work, so the house is warm when they get home. I’m thinking you might blind him with science and control it remotely yourself. A bit Machiavellium I agree but needs must.

Perhaps you could get her to make you her LPA for Health and Welfare too?

Oh gosh as you Dad is of completely sound mind then he needs beating at his own game I love oldmegs idea of remote control heating is that really a possibility
Can you and your mum not opt for a care home anyway if she has no money of her own, wouldnt he just get sent the bill as her next of kin.

That’s a great idea too BlueBelle - I think she needs removing from this abusive situstion

Have social services spoken to your mum and dad separately?

Does your Mum own half the house? If so, the Care Home costs can be deferred until the house is eventually sold. Do they have joint bank accounts? Social Services have to do the best for your mum if your father isn't - mention 'safeguarding'.

I'd contact AgeUk for advice re your exact circumstances. They have a really good selection of downloadable fact sheets on their website and I think you can book a phone consultation.

Does anyone have PoA for either of them?

Yes - talk to SS. She does not have to pay now to be in a nursing home - SS can put a legal charge on their home and assets and they recoup what they have spent when she dies. They are obliged to treat her as a vulnerable adult and cannot wriggle out of that responsibility because of your father's attitude.

SS are also obliged to talk to your mother on her own as she is the vulnerable one - doing this while she is in hospital would be easier.

Dear dear, your Dad sounds a right piece of work! - is this just as he has got older?

Sorry, my post is a bit rambly - I've had a busy afternoon - Lucky's made more sense! I'm off for

Has your father always been difficult and stubborn or is he beginning to suffer with dementia? His behaviour towards your mother sounds quite unreasonable and she does need to have better care than she is receiving. Living in a chilly house and getting chest infections and then pneumonia resulting in hospital admission should be ringing alarm bells for him - if not, then you will have to override whatever he says and do what you feel is best for your mother; you and your sisters will have to stand firm together. There is some good advice on here.

He's always been very self centred and indulged by firstly his grandparents and parents then mum always put him first. He's not got dementia, he knows exactly what he's doing; he wouldn't countenance POA, they have separate bank accounts, they both get Attendance Allowence and no one has any idea how much money he has, let alone where it is (mum leaves everything financial to him)
He's utterly unreasonable Jalimal, no one can reason with him.

Oh dear, it sounds as if she's never stood up to him.
However, perhaps it is time you and your sisters stand up for what is right for your mother. I don't know what the legal position is regarding paying for care so perhaps you need outside help to deal with this.

You need to involve social services - the hospital should have if you have raised it with them then your poor Mum should be assessed as a vulnerable adult and an Initial Referral done. A case conference would then happen and the points of view of health professionals, social workers and you and your parents would be taken into account and a plan put in place. Mum could be removed from the house if she is thought to be in danger.

Oldmeg has good advice . Get the remote heating installed -just tell your Father it is a device to reduce his heating bills! Someone has to stand up for your |Mum before he kills her with neglect , do whatever it takes ie threats to report him etc etc . Go as often as you can to look after your poor Mum , take hot meals , a heated pad to sit on which plugs in is a good idea . Don`t allow this bullying man to rule the roost any longer .

I agree there is a safeguarding issue here I would keep on at the GP and the SS who have a duty of care to your mother.

The fact they're self-funding shouldn't affect the support you get from SS. If the doctor knows the situation and can be persuaded to contact SS, his/her word will carry much more weight than yours does.

SS can put a legal charge on their home and assets and they recoup what they have spent when she dies.

It would be recouped after both of them have died, so the survivor would not be put out of their home.

"He wouldn't countenance POA" but your mother could set up POA for herself, so you could deal with health and welfare.
She could also name you or one of your sisters as next of kin, so her care would need to be discussed with you, not your dad.