shell shocked

To every one who has taken the time to write,Thank you all so much.It does make me grateful ,to people being so kind.I think when we see consultant,on the 8 th Jan he will repeat some tests and probably ask for lung biopsy.I will certainly let you know the outcome,Kind regards,Teddy

You obviously need to wait until the hospital appointment to find out if your husband does have something serious which could have a poor prognosis. If he doesn't then you can think of your options.
You say you always paid the bills and am now retired on a small pension. It sounds as if he was happy for you to keep him and now is unhappy at having to pay his share of the bills. In addition to his ranting and lack of cleanliness, do you want to grow old with him?

Years ago I was chatting to a lady whose husband had become diabetic in his older years and she said he had greatly affected his personality..I don't know whether she was right as her husband had diabetes and she had linked the two.

I don’t understand why some posters are so aggressive towards your husband until you know if he has a terminal condition
If after 8th he comes out with a reasonably clean bill of health I ll join them in telling you to stand up to him (although it does sound as if most of his behaviour has always been there, well the mean streak anyway) but do give him a few days to see if he has terminal cancer before you kick his butt as has been advised by a few posters

Teddy thinking of you. Look out for yourself and if possible treat yourself a bit. Please let us all know how the appointment goes on the 8th. Big hug.

Sounds like you are the nearest kicking post. Kick back !!

No words is wisdom from me Teddy111, just a big hug and prayers that things get better for you very soon.

So sorry for your predicament teddy
I think everyone has given you wonderful advice, but while you’re waiting to make up your mind, please don’t let your husband dictate what you can do, even if he is being irrational.
If he physically threatens you for using the washing machine, just remind him that the police are only a phone call away!
I do hope things improve for you soon! x

Thank you again to everyone,you have been so kind.There are so many good ideas and I am really grateful. (It is the norm for drivers to sleep in their cabs,if they have to be away at night,he had two single beds,both very comfy.He would rather have slept for free in a layby and risk the load being targetted, than pay to use a lorry park.He once had diesel stolen from his tank in the night, whilst asleep in the cab.Drivers who have no load on, leave their back doors open at night so thieves are aware they have nothing worth taking.) Icanhandthemback,he has not been violent .I hope that won't happen.

I do feel for you Teddy111, it must be awful for you not knowing whether your DH is really ill and mean or just mean. It must have been quite hard over the years too if he hates your son. My DH doesn't really like my DD (possibly for good reason) and it is the one thing that I find myself really unhappy about.
What would happen if you chose to ignore your husband's demands? Would he just grumble a lot or would he get violent? If it were the latter, I would probably look for an escape route but if it were the former, I would probably wait to see the Drs in January to find out what was going on with his health and regroup then. The most important thing is that you are safe.

I was going to post the same as GabriellaG and say that I believe it is the norm for lorry drivers to sleep in their vehicles and that I understood they are well equipped for that purpose.
Another reason is that they would want to ensure the safety of their load and the security of the lorry.

How dreadful this must be for you. My first thought, along with many other posts, was that the cancer could have spread to your husband's brain- maybe this has occurred to him and he's very frightened (God knows I'd be terrified) and, as often happens, he's taking it out on you (not fair I know). Also regarding alcoholic son, why take him to your home, visit him at his flat. Until you have your husband's medical condition confirmed you can't really make any big decisions.

I would suggest that you get the doctor to check him for dementia! A long-standing, mild-mannered friend of mine recently developed similar symptoms and was diagnosed with dementia which went rapidly worse! Don't take it personally, he probably doesn't recognise himself either but do get help!

My heart goes out to you in your appalling situation. I cannot offer anything but an endorsement of all those who are thinking of you. An intelligent, sensitive, hard-working person as you should really not be in this intolerable position - it has gone too far surely. May you find peace and a solution in the coming months.

Lots of lorry drivers sleep in laybys. Most long distance lorries have sleeping compartments behind/over the front seats in fact, it's the norm nowadays.

Teddy sorry you are going through this.

Sometimes a stay in ICU can cause PTSD which could mean he is traumatised and acting out of that?

Just a thought, good luck.

Either ignore his diktats and do the washing when he's out or overnight and keep your pension(s) to yourself in a bank account he has no control over OR leave and find a flat in the private sector. You may be able to get a part-time job to help with your finances if need be.
Personally, I think that he may be feeling very vulnerable and is pushing you away now, rather than have YOU push HIM away if his health got worse. Your son must take a back seat I'm afraid, at least until you get yourself in a better place both mentally and possibly physically. I hope you don't give in to his demands but try to talk to him about your future and the compromises that may have to be made. Financially, you should both be ok if you don't go mad.

I'm sure there are lots of lovely old men around ,but reading this post and having friends with old gits for husbands makes me grateful for being a long term divorcee. It was hard bringing up two kids on my own but at least I don't have to put up with behaviour like this. I wonder if he has some sort of dementia . I ask because a good friend of mine had a happy solid marriage . However, the last 5/6 years have been hell for her . Too long to go into but her husband has changed completely and now she envies my independent life style. Whereas I used to envy hers.
If you can afford it and its feasible get rid. What have you to lose in fact he would be the one to lose.

Oh dear I am so sorry to read about your situation Teddy111. I too would advise waiting until after the Appointment on January 8th before making any definite decissions & talk to your B, not for advice but just to unburden yourself & make him aware of the situation. Meantime ignore his "bullying".

My DH had severe bouts of depression, luckily he wasn't violent but washing, dressing & changing clothes didn't exist , not very nice to live with. I had to call the Ambulance early one morning as he had tried to get out of bed & ended up sat on the floor, unable to move.

After his admission to Hospital he was at first diagnosed with pneumonia, then they discovered he had in fact Lung Cancer (untreatable). DH died 2 months later, he never came home instead he was transferred to a Nursing Home.

I can offer little advice, but I hope after the Appointment things will be clearer. I wish you well

Yes don't forget you can simply enter the bathroom and take your bath, with or without smiling at him on the way in. If he uses physical means to try and stop you, then that is now counted as domestic abuse (it doesn't have to be a violent assault any more) and on those grounds you can have him removed from the house - for at least a period of time. Quicker than waiting for a divorce, and it might be his wake-up call before he returns to you in a more reasonable frame of mind. If he repeats the offence you could probably then have a restraining order placed upon him.

First off I haven’t got past the statement that he bathes only once a week now. Secondly I would find out if he is ill with beginning stages of dementia. If all checks out okay say nothing and do what you will. Be firm and tell him you won’t be controlled. If he is unwilling my I would kick his sorry arse out.

This is outrageous. You don't deserve this. Tomorrow go to see solicitor and tell them everything. Seek divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Don't be bullied by this man. Talk to your son and ask for his support, together you can get through this and look forward to a happier future. Good luck.

Teddy111, what an awful situation, I am so sorry for you, dont make any decision until after 8th January. It is easy to say just leave but it is certainly harder to do. I am in a similar situation, about leaving, but it is so hard to do,I plod on and hope things will improve, although I know they wont.
Good Luck and I hope things work out for you, no matter what decision you make.

This must be horrible for you Teddy, regardless of whether your husband's behaviour toward you is related to dementia and/or another illness. Trying to be supportive to an adult alcoholic son and having a husband who is emotionally abusive and bullying must be hard. I think talking to your brother is a good idea if he can offer a listening ear in a safe place for you to unload and discuss your options for the future. If you have paid all the bills and crunch comes to crunch you should not be the one who has to leave! It's nasty when those we have spent years loving and looking after turn out to be so damned spiteful and hurtful. I hope you can keep your husband away from Gransnet so that at least you can come here where people can offer support and you can vent if you need to. I feel for you and hope things improve. In the meantime please try to look after yourself, stay as safe as you can and try not to let your husband make you feel any worse.

This is horrid for you but don’t do anything yet. The hospital appointment may reveal a terminal illness and if so, A) you will feel much less guilty in the long run if you do your best for him, no matter how difficult and B) if he is terminally ill why not just grit your teeth and then he will release you. The very best of luck to you both