Gransnet forums


New Relationship

(23 Posts)
westerlywind Tue 02-Jan-18 17:44:56

I am looking for some advice. I do not know where to go for help. I have spoken to a nurse in a certain local organisation and in the discussion she assumed that the problem was one thing when in fact I believe it is something else. I have spoken to a close RL friend about the problem and she also assumed the wrong thing.
The obvious thing would be to speak to another nurse at the same organisation but it took so much courage to speak to anyone about this I don't really think I have enough strength to do that again. My views of nurses was not good as a result of experiences in the past and that is why it took so much courage to speak to one on such a delicate situation.
The problem concerns sex. I have started a new relationship and want to take things further. I think there is something wrong but I would not say it is something age related. I think it has more to do with absence of relationships for many years while being a single parent and a carer.
I think this is now my time as I no longer have any responsibilities but this difficulty is not conducive to me moving into a new phase of my life.
Any comments or advice would be great. Thanks

MissAdventure Tue 02-Jan-18 17:47:56

Do you want advice on who to talk to, or how to approach them, or are you thinking you'd like to ask members here?

westerlywind Tue 02-Jan-18 18:12:12

I would appreciate any help and information from posters on all and any aspects of the problem.
Are there any other people I should try to speak to?
I would also like to know what to do if another person I speak to assumed the wrong problem and how to be polite and quite graphic at the same time.
If any poster here has experience of the same circumstances I would be glad to hear how they dealt with it and hopefully how much their life has been improved.

Eglantine21 Tue 02-Jan-18 18:12:59

You might need to be a bit more explicit!

mumofmadboys Tue 02-Jan-18 18:16:19

As a retired GP it seems to me you need an appointment to be examined by a nice friendly female GP. These problems are common and GPs are used to dealing with them. Try not to feel embarassed/shy - it is part of a GP's everyday work. Good luck. Enjoy your new relationship.

Madgran77 Tue 02-Jan-18 18:19:21

It sounds like you are too embarrassed to speak openly and specifically about the problem and exactly what it is. How about write down the specifics, preferably bullet pointed if a number of points, go and see your Dr and hand your written explanation to them, just saying to them that you find it sp hard to discuss it but need advice

MissAdventure Tue 02-Jan-18 18:21:49

That's a good idea, because it means your doctor will know exactly what the issue is.

NannyTee Tue 02-Jan-18 18:25:15

Don't be shy here. If you feel no-one understands your problem we are women of the world. To understand though we need you to explain. X

NannyTee Tue 02-Jan-18 18:27:48

Or if you don't want then take the professional route as others have suggested.

westerlywind Tue 02-Jan-18 19:23:30

I will try to explain better. This is an anonymous place which is what I wanted when I contacted that local organisation, which I thought was a Womens' place.
For in excess of 25 years when I separated from my then husband I was bringing up several children, I had elderly persons with serious health conditions that I was helping/ caring for and I was also working. This left no time to go out and meet people.
Current situation is that the old people have died and the children are now adults. The stress of my situation made me ill. It is a permanent disabilities. I was tired and totally out of any confidence.
I met someone vaguely known to me. He has been so kind and built me back up in so many ways. He is not pushy. He is more angry about how I came to be like this.
Although I have children I have never had a vaginal delivery.
I do not think that the problem is age related dryness and in any case we have KY.
I think there is something "structurally" wrong about me.
There was great difficulty at my last smear test with inserting the speculum (sp?)
I have 2 nice female Drs at my surgery who have been decent with my other conditions. Perhaps giving them something similar to this would be the best way forward.
I want to have a full life now that my responsibilities are all dealt with.
Thanks all.

MissAdventure Tue 02-Jan-18 19:26:45

You could write down a short note and hand it to whoever you make an appointment with. Just something like "I feel there may be some abnormality in the formation of my vagina. Please would you check it for me."

NannyTee Tue 02-Jan-18 19:30:24

Just be totally honest with them . You deserve to be happy and fulfilled. They will help you or refer you . No need to be embarrassed . They've heard of all before .

NannyTee Tue 02-Jan-18 19:30:48

It all sorry

Luckygirl Tue 02-Jan-18 19:56:13

Just do it. My OH was a GP and believe you me he had seen everything there is to see and it was just his daily life.

Ask to see a female doctor; tell her exactly what is worrying you and she will sort it out in a businesslike way - really there is nothing that could embarrass a GP and there is nothing you can have that they have not seen before.

Don't pussyfoot around - spit it out!! What have you got to lose? smile

Feelingmyage55 Tue 02-Jan-18 20:14:11

Hello and congratulations on a new opportunity for a new phase of your life. I am guessing here without being too explicit that you are feeling "rusty", "out of practice" and a little nervous. Some good advice above about finding a lady GP you can speak to or hand a note to. I also guess you would rather speak to someone older but in fact young people nowadays are so frank and relaxed about intimate matters that that should not hinder you. Don't let embarrassment or shyness close the door on a lovely, warm, shared future. You deserve this. This is your time - as you have said yourself! Be brave. I wish you well.

NannyTee Tue 02-Jan-18 20:37:20

The lack of confidence certainly won't help matters either. Really feel for you. Good luck with your exciting future . flowers

westerlywind Tue 02-Jan-18 21:01:45

Thanks to all ladies.
The confidence things was about making phone calls, gong out, speaking to general strangers like people working in shops or offices. I was also a nervy shaking wreck at first when he would put an arm round me. I am a lot better now.
We spend nights together sometimes. He is still working and doing shifts, so time is not all ours.
We talk about everything.
It appears that inside we think is OK, The problem is the actual entry! (Sorry to be graphic)
Neither of us wants to damage or pain the other.
Perhaps a bit of fear.
I will speak to lady GP and live in hope of this working out somehow.
Thanks to all

MissAdventure Tue 02-Jan-18 21:26:05

It should all work out beautifully. You have a lot to look forward to. Good luck!

FarNorth Tue 02-Jan-18 21:30:56

Do speak to a GP.
It's possible that you are not relaxing enough because of nervousness.
Maybe you could try spending some nights together, on the understanding that there will be no attempt at penetration?
That could help you both to be more relaxed with each other.

MissAdventure Tue 02-Jan-18 21:32:34

Have a drink when you're together, maybe? Just not too much.

Gabrielle8 Tue 02-Jan-18 21:39:07

Definitely see your GP. In the meantime, keep the communication going between you and your partner. Communication is key. Why not forget penetrative sex until you feel more comfortable, and learn to give each other pleasure in other ways for now? Good luck.

westerlywind Tue 02-Jan-18 21:56:31

Gabrielle8 - This is what we do.
We talk and laugh. I am under no pressure to do anything.
I feel a bit cheated in that I completed the responsibilities but now I am having a problem I never expected.
Thank you all

Grannyknot Tue 02-Jan-18 22:02:14

westerlywind just be aware that these forums are "anonymous but not invisible". They are public and anyone can read them.

I wish you all the best with your relationship. I agree with those who have said speak to your doctor.